Divorced Men- what the heck?

[iTOREtheSKY]

I will have been divorced 2 years as of Feb 2nd 2014. My ex- wife & I have no ill will towards one another. As a matter of fact,I contacted her via email over the summer because I felt an urging to tell her that I didn't blame her entirely for the marriage ending (even though it was her who filed for the divorce & gave me no real reasons as to why she wanted to end a marriage of over 9 yrs). In the email I expressed to her that I was sorry for not being the man she needed,and that I didn't blame her for our relationship disintegrating. In fact I told her that I felt in a sense it was much more my fault,simply because I was a christian married to an unbeliever trying to live a life I wasn't meant to live. I knew better,and was accountable to God for my actions. My being upset or depressed wasn't her fault when she left me. Yes,she had a hand in it,but I had a choice to either wallow in the "woe is me,my wife left me" or let it go & move on.

She responded to my email within 48 hrs & was so happy to hear from me,and was touched & grateful that I told her that I didn't hate her or hold a grudge. She said that after she left me,for about 3 or 4 months she felt so guilty & sad & wanted to call me or write,but was afraid I'd still be too angry. She expressed in her email response that she'd like to continue contact with me as friends & to share pics & updates about our son (the dog we shared,which she took with her back to the UK,lol..not a "real" child) I wrote her back & said that I wished her well in life & hoped for all things wonderful for her,but that I needed to move on with my life & so did she. I felt that if her & I remained friends,it really would serve no purpose on many levels. One of them being that if I ever do find another woman that I am interested in dating or getting married to,I don't want that woman to ever feel that she is in the shadow of my ex-wife or that she might feel "2nd". Seeing as how my ex-wife & I share no physical ties such as a child,there really is no need to have her in my life.

I did in fact destroy all my wedding photos,video...cards,etc...from as far back as to when we were dating. All personal gifts as well,I've managed to give away or sell she had given me. The only things I have are paperwork from the divorce,tax stuff & info from the sale of our home for legal reasons or whatever. I didn't rid myself of all the aforementioned out of spite or bitterness,but out of letting go of the past. To keep all those things as a physical reminder would only make me sad at times,and make me remember failure & shortcomings,and I don't see as how that can be a healthy thing.

So,I've tried not to be too long winded about all this,and I apologize if so,but I just wanted to say,as a man who was married for 9 yrs & dated his wife for 2 yrs prior to their marriage,that now after almost 2 yrs of being single again...
there is healing,and hope and not all men are still bitter or compare other women to their ex's. The only time I would ever mention my ex-wife to another woman in conversation is if she were to ask her about me & our relationship when married or if it was pertaining & relevant to the discussion at hand.

Here's praying that the OP finds what she needs & is continually guided by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Blessings.

 

[Relena7]

Men tend to project their angst against the woman who caused it, by continued reference to her. Women project their angst at a past man, by projecting it on all men. Possibly.....

*slowly steps away*

Not necessarily true. Every time I read a relationship article in the news, I scroll down to the comments (I have no idea why), and there are almost always bitter comments about relationships, the opposite sex, and marriage in general, and both genders are culprits.

 

[lost1972]

I think we now have an example of what the OP was talking about.

Im not bitter towards her, it was a very sad time, I was never angry at her, to this day she is still single and refused to date anyone since 91, I've been happily married now for 13 years, yes we've had some bad times, but we got through it, but it still makes me sad to think she wont move on with her life, This isnt something I talk about much , the only reason I brought it up was it's relevance to the thread

 

[FireWire]

It drives me crazy to hear the men are always to blame, my ex packed up everything we owned when I was at work, and disappeared, I didnt want a divorce, I didnt ask for a divorce, I was very upset that she left, It was bad enough that I tried to kill myself, it took me many years to get over that, and a part of it will always stay with me. Yes maby I made mistakes, but I was willing to work through it all with her, and try to work it out, all she wanted was to no longer be married, people still try to say God is mad at me about that, I think he understands what happened,

Well there's reason to believe that women institute divorce proceedings more than men in the last few years. No doubt though the men will get the blame for it regardless. It seems women never do anything wrong. What a delusion.

I've never been married but the ex cheated on me and just told me to get over it. I'm forever glad I didn't marry her. That's the only relationship I've ever had.

 

[Heartsearcher]

Honestly i couldn't vote because i do not think a specific sex has the ability to heal emotionally faster than the other. everyone is different and react and handle things uniquely. some people are just stronger than others male or female

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Honestly i couldn't vote because i do not think a specific sex has the ability to heal emotionally faster than the other. everyone is different and react and handle things uniquely. some people are just stronger than others male or female

I agree... it has a lot to do with personality. Holding things back vs dealing with them... talking about it vs holding it all in. Spiritual health, support system (whether male or female), willingness to be introspective and learn about how to heal, how to gauge your progress, how to know when you need help. These are traits both men and women can possess, or not possess, depending.

 

[Heartsearcher]

I agree... it has a lot to do with personality. Holding things back vs dealing with them... talking about it vs holding it all in. Spiritual health, support system (whether male or female), willingness to be introspective and learn about how to heal, how to gauge your progress, how to know when you need help. These are traits both men and women can possess, or not possess, depending.

wow, very wise words. i like you:] if i could use the like button i would

 

[alexis]

wow, very wise words. i like you:] if i could use the like button i would

I liked it for you...

 

[mystdancer50]

I have actually heard both men and women refer to their exes, be the merely boyfriend/girlfriend or married, in every single conversation, at least once, and usually negatively. Though I have noticed that some women take on the whole failure and some men wash their hands of it, I have heard some that are pretty fair in their assessment.

But, I have to say, the OP made me smile because, yeah, I have totally heard both of those statements. I am not against someone dating/marrying a divorced person, but they must realize that they aren't getting one person...they are getting the past that is tied to that person's soul and, if children are involved, they are getting the ex as well.

It's complicated...

 

[KJV15John11]

I'm very sorry if my frustration came across as condescension towards men. I don't think they are less than and I don't think they should 'get over it.'

I do think they should pursue counseling before they return to the dating scene. I also think anyone(man or woman) should be able to engage in a conversation that is not about their ex if they are going to date again. I expect the same from myself.

I definitely don't think I am better than these men. I am frustrated because I think that there are good men out there who may be divorced for biblical reasons, but they haven't dealt with the pain that they feel and it's holding them back. I understand that our society may/does not support men pursuing healing. So let's talk about it and encourage each other to swim counter current.

I do appreciate your perspective Ugly and I would like to hear from others if they have had similar experiences and if they have found a good way to handle it.

I understand your frustration but don't share in it. For me, every date and girlfriend I have had since my divorce has been a learning experience in which I have gained many positives. Not only has dating changed since before I was married, but I realized that I too have changed. My plans of "til death do us part" had been disrupted and I needed to take a personal inventory of myself at that point and try and figure out where I wanted to go. Going on dates with women who were also trying to find their way helped me to do exactly that.

I didn't need to seek professional counseling because by putting my faith in God in all things, He provided exactly what I needed at the time that He knew would do me the most good. As part of my job in working with adults with developmental disabilities, I received the opportunity to get specialized training in counseling those with severe issues that most forms had been unsuccessful with. As part of that training, we as counselors had to apply the techniques we learned on ourselves before we could apply them to our clients. That process was exactly what helped me to accept the ending of a commitment, to forgive myself for my failings, and start to look forward to the future.

The thing is, I received this training prior to getting divorced. It wasn't long into my marriage that my ex started to make decisions that took her away from God, thus, away from our marriage. We had a baby girl by this point so I had to make some tough decisions. Regardless of my relationship with her mother, I stayed within the marriage because I believed that it still would be better for my daughter to be in a two parent home. As the years went on, I continued to seek ways to repair the marriage and sought God's direction. As time went on, my ex just got farther and farther away from both of us. The job training came much later in our marriage but ended up being the perfect time for me to start my own personal healing. By the time my daughter had graduated and moved out on her own, I had already gone through many years of regaining a sense of myself. By then, the divorce that followed was more of a formality rather than the beginning of a loss.

All I can suggest to you is to make good use of all of your interactions and make the best out of each one. If you are truly committed in finding a man of a God, how much work are you willing to put into finding him? Also consider that maybe you aren't ready yourself for that which you are praying for, and God is bringing others into your life now to show that to you and to show you how to prepare yourself. If we truly have faith in what we are asking God for, then we need to openly look for His answer with a joyful spirit. Be thankful even for that which falls short of your expectations but could provide the path to your heart's desires.

 

[Crimson_Lark]

Great feedback from so many people. You (as a community) gave me some good things to think about. Thanks.

 

[F8fl1]

Hmm. Men say the same thing about women. I have to tolerate their fear reactions to minor irritants as though, being a male, i am going to blow up and go beserk "just like their ex used to" . I ought to have a shirt made that says "I am NOT your ex. i can endure life's minor irritations, or even tribulation, or suffer a bad mood and that does not mean i will belittle you, attack you, impugn your character, blame you, criticize you or throw myself on the floor and have a temper tantrum.