Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For You?

[kodiak]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Kodiak can "MacGyver" the door to his true loves heart someday, if she needs rescued! Awww..that was cute I must say!

I don't know about macgyvering the door to her heart, but if she needs rescuing, I will be there with ducttape.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

And what if she gets into an argument with you? Battered bear syndrome.

We should quantify this and say it should be a hand held model and not vehicle mounted. That seems safer, and pretty reasonable.

And she'd be a good Christian too. Christ said he stands at the door or our heart and knocks. If you use a battering ram to smash the door down, then Jesus is free to come in. I'm not sure how my heart would feel about getting nailed by a battering ram. I wonder if they make really small ones.

Spot on, mate!

Hand held models are very dicey. You have the models that are single-seater (hint: boxing) and the models that are multi-seater. I think we should specify that any hand-held model must be single-seater only. But I wonder if they can be effective in a crisis...

 

[AbolishTheLaw]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I have a word about "The List"...The more important list we should be observing is the list of the things we have not allowed God to burn out of us with his Spirit. If we are not receiving some desires of the deepest parts of our hearts, we need to grow in our relationship with God by allowing him to burn away the things standing in the way of Him. He wants fellowship with us in a level that is much more intimate than we can even imagine. Pray unceasingly, and pray about everything. We need to learn to practice his constant presence, living in his presence all day long in intimate fellowship with our Father.

 

[jeremyPJ]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

okay, what i find a little frustrating about posts like this is the idea that you are somehow powerless against "all these takers" who are preying upon you (along with the other "givers").

this isn't fair. you see, i've been characterized by others as a "giver" as well. and yes, there are at times that folks (both friendship and romantic prospects) have sought me (or my time) and have been clingy, exhausting, and needy--perhaps characterized as "takers". and yes, these folks could certainly be drawn to the "giver" types.

BUT, it's simply unfair to explain this as "all your trouble". unfortunately, it's a lot more complicated, and as the "givers" it's always our responsibility to create healthy boundaries and expectations for ourselves.

first, there is seldom purely "takers" and purely "givers". it's not that simple. what one of you might describe as a "taking" relationship isn't to another. each couple develops what is right for them. and, in the absence of any objections or boundaries (ending the relationship, even) you are by default, participating. also, i would suggest that someone might define themselves as "generous and giving" by being generous with things that they value, but not really serving the relationship. it is human nature to be quick to acknowledge our own generosity and slow to acknowledge others' (especially in an unhappy relationship) but at the end of the day.

second, at some point, you are choosing this (unhappy or mismatched) relationship for yourself. and if that is okay for you, then i would say, that your real problem isn't because of the so-called "takers" preying upon you.

the REAL problem is that you have a broken picker--you are choosing the wrong kind of people for relationships and perhaps don't know how to identify what you want. you are possibly one of the folks who could really benefit from articulating the list of attributes that you are actually seeking (indirectly, the subject of this thread) so that you can recognize who it is you're looking for, rather than being charmed by other attributes that might be comely upon face value, but have no real merit in a mutually beneficial relationship.

and, at some point, you are electing to engage in a relationship with someone who is a "taker", by allowing this to continue. either you aren't addressing this matter in your relationship with communication and honesty, or you are ignoring the issue, hoping it will change.

or, you are failing to alter your expectation. but no one forces you into a relationship with a "taker".

while i can't say this is true when i was younger, i have gotten pretty good at identifying who shares my values and expectations for a relationship. if we aren't on the same page, then we aren't a good fit.

but for you to find yourself in a forced scenario with a "taker" just isn't possible. you even explain that "you had to get done wronged by him multiple times" before you rejected a friend. i don't know the circumstances, but at what point are you accepting that you have chosen to remain friends with him (up to the point that you said no more) and, by default, are also agreeing to the behavior?

while i think i understand what might have been the intention of the original statement that introduced this dialogue about the "takers" preying on the "givers", i think it's pretty dangerous for us to start blaming these so-called "takers" for the ills of our bad relationships.

further, i'm proof that "givers" can certainly attract other "givers", and aren't destined to a miserable life of women (or men) who are only takers, preying upon the unsuspecting "loving and generous folks" that are out to give.

While this is a little bit correct, there seems to be a fact that I am by nature a "nice guy". Thus, I got taken advantage of. I was not taught any better growing up, as my parents were pushed too hard by their parents, so they left me with a loose leash, and little to no guidance. And were obviously disappointed when they saw the results. But they didn't teach or lead me. And we were not church goers. So I was a product of my upbringing. As my therapist said, I basically learned about life the hard way, by myself.
And both of my spouses fooled me, neither seemed like takers until we got married. Yes, it does happen. My therapist says if I had been
parented better, I would not have been in these kinds of relationships.

Your response about my friend being a repeat taker, let's say the first time was done In stealth (he rode home with my gf, then she went cold after that.) I was 17 then lol...and was getting ready to leave for college, so I thought that was the problem. After that, I tried to help with a project, we found out the engine was bad and his mom told me I should buy him a new one. I drove him to every junkyard in three counties, helped him put it in, and then got blamed when it was bad. The man who sold it said it was good, but would not refund the money. Then I got involved with a woman later on, she said she dated him once and didn't like him. I dated her a while, and all of a sudden he left the army (section 8) and "came back for her". And was mad because I was seeing her. That is the one I had multiple problems with. Is it more understandable now? Life can get silly, as I'm sure you know. It's not all cut and dry, we all make good and bad decisions. I made some bad ones, but felt helpless sometimes. Its like getting a box of cereal for the prize at the bottom, but there's no prize

 

[jeremyPJ]

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

As for the above post, I would like to point out that I myself did not understand t all until I sought counseling.

I am not looking for someone to blame for my problems, just telling how it is. Or was, in my mind at that time.


My therapist made this assessment on my upbringing. I'm not mad how it turned out. They did what they thought was right, and provided me with everything I needed, minus two things. They are aware of it now and have been there for me and my daughter. And have more than made up for the past. Please understand I am not looking for a scapegoat, it just was what it was, and is now what it is. All is forgiven.


Sometimes debates like this make me wish I'd never opened up to people here.