Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
i've been meaning to answer the actual question posed in the OP.
honestly, i've never been bothered by others' lists of qualities. also, i've been one of those persons who has never felt as though i was supposed to (or even strove to) appeal to everyone. in life, typically the only things that appeal to most are rather generic in nature.
additionally, i have always found a lot of value in the creation of those "lists" that detail the things you're seeking, red flags, and so on. but to be clear, it's the exercise of articulating those qualities that is so very valuable, not being constrained or beholden to a list that you've previously created, or that you can't change it at anytime.
i've found so many people who are dissatisfied with who they are meeting, going out with, or generally can't seem to find the right kind of people. too often, if you ask them who they are looking for they can tell you several qualities they DON'T WANT (i.e. describe the personalities of their ex'es), but know very few important qualities that are vital to THEM.
yes, as a christian, we are all basically seeking the requisite things. we should all want christians, who are funny, smart, and reasonably attractive to us, right? but the problem is, that you need to know yourself pretty well to know how to find someone that is a good match for you. it's ascertaining who you mesh best with, and those qualities that bring out the best in you. it's the attributes that meet or match your own priorities. it's knowing what you can't live with, and the stuff you can't live without.
i have found this to be very critical in my life and it dovetails nicely with the previous posts about "takers and givers".
you see, there are a lot of great guys and girls who are wrong for you and me. but you'll never know if you don't articulate these qualities for yourself. you can waste a lot of time (and tie yourself up, emotionally and otherwise) with the wrong people when you all you see is "they're a nice guy/girl" and have nothing else to guide you.
let me give you a couple examples. not everyone prioritizes communication. yes, we all think communication is important, right? but for me, it's a top tier item. i really enjoy debates, mulling over subjects, and especially what is important to him. not every everyone sees this as necessary or even important. to me, everything good in a relationship flows from easy and plentiful communication.
another item for me is adventure. i kind of see everything in life as an adventure, and i want desperately to cultivate the adventure, joy and whimsy out of life. and yet, many women will find the calming and routine very peaceful and attractive. for me, the notion of routine and schedule is oppressive and something i tend to prefer to a minimum of what is most essential. but for me, a grocery shopping trip is an adventure. don't believe me? well, see, that's not your priority, and that's okay. and i guarantee you, i've been out with plenty who would spend their life trying to "make me behave". if someone can't play along with me, even appreciate this quality in me, we're not going to do very well. and that is why it's on my list.
these are not right or wrong things--only right or wrong for you. but as a single person, if you don't really know who you're looking for, you're never going to recognize them when you pass them by. by articulating these things, you are without trying--effortlessly, going to see these qualities as they pop up in the folks that you interact with.
here's a really common scenario i've seen among friends. pretend the friend is aware of two available people who have mutual interest, and the friend is choosing between them. when you have no real solid idea of who it is you're looking for, the friend will almost always choose the person who is more physically attractive (or whatever quality that appeals to their ego or basic nature) but completely WRONG for them in personality or attributes. the second option, who is more average in physical attractiveness is pretty much perfect for them, but they don't have a good idea of who it is they're looking for, so in this situation, they never look beyond the initial, cursory comparison.
and by not knowing what you want, we ALL become more subject to the qualities that can be alluring but have little to no value in relationship happiness or mutual compatibility.
so... i don't find any of the lists negative. they don't make me feel "less than" or daunting. i'm actually happy when someone knows who they are looking for. and by encountering someone who has a list, never underestimate the fact that you might have qualities they haven't yet realized were important. or that they have changed significantly since the list was created. you shouldn't be intimidated by someone's list--you should be yourself and let them decide for themselves whether you have the "right stuff" for them, or not.
after all, the right person so often bursts all our expectations and can embody, even personify not only the very attributes you always were looking for, but shatter all your ideals in the very best of ways by showing you even more than you never knew was important. : )
