Do we need friends? Is it a sin to not have friends?

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sleeper92

New member
Feb 16, 2020
15
0
1
#1
Not had a friend for many years and i dont want one, does that make me a sinner?
 

Belka

Junior Member
Aug 24, 2017
161
145
43
#2
Hi @sleeper92 , welcome to CC! I hope you'll find some enjoyable / interesting / uplifting threads around here.

A "sinner" is someone who hasn't accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and speaks of people who aren't born-again. If you're a born-again Christian, you are no longer qualified as a "sinner"; instead, you become a "saint" and a child of God, a child of Light.

So not wanting to have friends doesn't make you a sinner; however, I would ask "Why?" - why don't you want to have friends?
It's a natural instinct for a person to want to have friends, or at least a friend, because we are relational beings and aren't meant to "fly solo" in life. No man is an island.

I used to believe I didn't want to have friends, but that's because I didn't find my interactions with people interesting and my heart was also walled up due to past trauma (very common). I didn't want to open up because of the past rejection and hurt I had experienced. So I created this pseudo-reality of me not wanting to have any close relationships and the truth is that my heart was inaccessible, surrounded by a fortress with iron walls. Was it safe? Kind of, but it was also really empty, boring and miserable, and ultimately soul-crushing.

No one is meant to be friend-less. Our best friend should be Jesus, and even then, we're meant to live in community and have close friends we can talk to and share life with.

A few verses that come to mind:

Hebrews 10:25:
Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (--> this is of course speaking of general assembly, like a church, but if you want to get regular encouragement, that usually takes a good friend)

James 5:16:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail. (--> confessing one's sins can be very difficult so it usually takes a person of trust, i.e. a good friend, to do that)

Galatians 6:2:
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. (--> how can we carry each other's burdens if we're not in a relationship with someone? This obviously means we are to be open with each other and to be present in time of trouble)

Proverbs 17:17:
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (--> self-explanatory... having a loving friend can be extremely rewarding)

Also this quote by C.S. Lewis:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
 

Going_Nowhere

Well-known member
Nov 10, 2019
914
389
63
#3
If it's a sin to not have any friends, then I'm definitely hellbound.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
14,024
7,570
113
#4
Whatever is not of faith is sin. Put what you like in the question box.

Being without friends, and not wanting any, is not "sinful" in and of itself. However, it is foolish. I'd suspect strongly that those who don't want friends are actually in need of help... and friends. Maybe start by asking the Lord to show you why you feel as you do.
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
259
120
43
#5
There are biblical precedents for periods of aloneness with the Lord. But they’re generally for a season and not continuous. Proverbs affirms the value of a three-strand chord. We have moments when a helpful word or shoulder is beneficial.

When I came to faith there was a stretch of time when I had few companions outside of family members. I wanted to discern the Lord’s will for my life and laid down my connections. Some were unbelievers and I wanted His redemption or replacement if the bond wasn’t beneficial. I don’t think the same is ideal for most. But I believe we’re bettered by surrendering our friendships to Him and remaining open to new encounters.

According to Justin Erickson, Seven Friendships Every Man Needs includes:

Paul - Godly mentor to Disciple you
Timothy - Faithful Disciple to follow you
Barnabas - Solid Peer to Encourage you
Jonathan - Best Friend to uphold you
Nathan - Courageous Brother to confront you
Zacchaeus - Lost Seeker to hear you
Jesus - Gracious Savior to redeem you

It’s an excellent book and very edifying on developing godly connections.

~princesse
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,232
2,581
113
#6
I'm always intrigued by people who come to a public forum and declare that they have no need, desire, or intention of making friends. If that's the case, why come to a public place with countless numbers of other people to make that statement? If one truly had no need for others, it seems like it would make more sense to just vent in a private journal rather than share such personal thoughts with people they claim they don't want to connect with anyway.

In the OP's case, I understand that the question is being asked because of the concern over whether or not that decision is a sin.

But there have been many other people here over the years who have emphatically stated that they have no use for friends in their lives as well.

After seeing these kinds of posts many times, I think the fact that they are writing this in a place for other people to read it gives at least a part of their heart away.

When I was younger, I was instantly drawn to such people. I figured they'd been so through so much trauma that they needed someone to keep trying to reach out and not give up on them. I'm sure everyone has their own experiences, but I learned over much trial and error (mostly error) that for whatever reason, some people are hardened to the point that they could only be reached by God, and their only use for others is as verbal punching bags to vent their anger.

Some people who say they don't want friends are dealing with a world of hurt and desperately want someone to care, but they are paralyzed by past rejection and bad experiences.

Others, however, have come to a point where their hearts are so hard that I think they only want the benefit of other human beings and not the work or effort it takes to build an actual relationship with one. They don't want friendships because they get to a place where they have found a way to make their surroundings most comfortable and suitable to them, and they are unwilling or no longer have the skills to compromise with others.

People are of use to them if they provide some sort of service (for instance, readers who absorb their anger, bitterness, and loneliness on a public forum), but if it requires going out of their comfort zone or having to set aside their own needs or wants for another person, it's just not worth it to them. If someone's belief that they have no need for friends is actually a cover for their own self-centeredness, then yes, it's a sin.

I know there has to be a balance between give and take in any friendship, but if someone doesn't want friends simply because they don't to make the effort and self-sacrifice they would have to put into it, this would definitely be something to ask God about, because God asks us to serve others, not lock ourselves away in comfortable boxes that only suit us.

I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. How does God convict the rest of you when you choose to be too isolated and self-focuses? I know that whenever I become too isolated, God always reminds me that our job as Christians is to serve others in some way. (I usually break my own isolation through the use of personal correspondence, trying to encourage someone through a challenge they are facing.)

Best wishes to you as you ask God what is motivating your feelings and what He steps He might want you to take next.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
14,024
7,570
113
#7
There are biblical precedents for periods of aloneness with the Lord. But they’re generally for a season and not continuous. Proverbs affirms the value of a three-strand chord. We have moments when a helpful word or shoulder is beneficial.

When I came to faith there was a stretch of time when I had few companions outside of family members. I wanted to discern the Lord’s will for my life and laid down my connections. Some were unbelievers and I wanted His redemption or replacement if the bond wasn’t beneficial. I don’t think the same is ideal for most. But I believe we’re bettered by surrendering our friendships to Him and remaining open to new encounters.

According to Justin Erickson, Seven Friendships Every Man Needs includes:

Paul - Godly mentor to Disciple you
Timothy - Faithful Disciple to follow you
Barnabas - Solid Peer to Encourage you
Jonathan - Best Friend to uphold you
Nathan - Courageous Brother to confront you
Zacchaeus - Lost Seeker to hear you
Jesus - Gracious Savior to redeem you

It’s an excellent book and very edifying on developing godly connections.

~princesse
Welcome to CC, Sister! A stellar first(ish) post. :)
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
259
120
43
#8
How does God convict the rest of you when you choose to be too isolated and self-focuses?
He often pulls me back from situations to prevent burnout or over extension. Its less about non involvement and related to where He wants my attention. I have more on my plate and made adjustments to accommodate the changes.

I schedule weekly time with my friends for connection and support. Our conversations are richer and mutually beneficial.

~princesse
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
15,868
3,428
113
#10
I quit
I give up
Nothing's good enough
For anybody else
It seems

And being alone
Is the best way
When I'm by myself it's
The best way to be
When I'm all alone it's
The best way to be
When I'm by myself
Nobody else can say
Goodbye


~Edie Brickell
"Circle"
 
Aug 2, 2009
23,054
2,834
113
#11
When Jesus was alone in the desert he did not have any friends. Therefore, not having friends cannot be a sin.

ALSO, remember this - Things that are sinful give you earthly pleasure, not pain (until they get so bad that they ruin your life, but that's besides the point).
 

Deade

Called of God
Dec 17, 2017
14,639
8,555
113
74
Vinita, Oklahoma, USA
yeshuaofisrael.org
#12
Not had a friend for many years and i dont want one, does that make me a sinner?
There is a lot of difference in being friendly and being friends. We can and should be friendly to everyone. In a closer relationship we would need to know what ties it together.

Some of our friendships could have healthy activities tying them together, say like a ski buddy. Nothing wrong with that, unless you take up sinful practices while on your outings.

I guess I am trying to say we should view the fruits of our relationships: Are they Godly or not. :cool:
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,232
2,636
113
#13
Jesus was alone for 40 days in the DESERT.

Because he was being tested!

He didnt then go back home and stay by himself! He called 12 others and they became his friends (not his servants!)

for those who have no friends, what exactly did you do to drive them away?

The best friend we will ever have is Jesus. I am always thankful for my friends, and to be a friend.
I dont want to be friends with someone who is not a friend back though.

So it has to be mutual. No Judases please.
 

sleeper92

New member
Feb 16, 2020
15
0
1
#14
Hi @sleeper92

So not wanting to have friends doesn't make you a sinner; however, I would ask "Why?" - why don't you want to have friends?
It's a natural instinct for a person to want to have friends, or at least a friend, because we are relational beings and aren't meant to "fly solo" in life. No man is an island.

I used to believe I didn't want to have friends, but that's because I didn't find my interactions with people interesting and my heart was also walled up due to past trauma (very common). I didn't want to open up because of the past rejection and hurt I had experienced. So I created this pseudo-reality of me not wanting to have any close relationships and the truth is that my heart was inaccessible, surrounded by a fortress with iron walls. Was it safe? Kind of, but it was also really empty, boring and miserable, and ultimately soul-crushing.

No one is meant to be friend-less. Our best friend should be Jesus, and even then, we're meant to live in community and have close friends we can talk to and share life with.

idk i just find people boring and i have social anxiety which there is no cure for (not my version).

but what if you cant get friends? what if im destined to be friendliess my whole life?

i did try to make friends for years but always failed, i guess its what god want.
 

sleeper92

New member
Feb 16, 2020
15
0
1
#15
I'm always intrigued by people who come to a public forum and declare that they have no need, desire, or intention of making friends. If that's the case, why come to a public place with countless numbers of other people to make that statement? If one truly had no need for others, it seems like it would make more sense to just vent in a private journal rather than share such personal thoughts with people they claim they don't want to connect with anyway.

In the OP's case, I understand that the question is being asked because of the concern over whether or not that decision is a sin.

But there have been many other people here over the years who have emphatically stated that they have no use for friends in their lives as well.

After seeing these kinds of posts many times, I think the fact that they are writing this in a place for other people to read it gives at least a part of their heart away.

When I was younger, I was instantly drawn to such people. I figured they'd been so through so much trauma that they needed someone to keep trying to reach out and not give up on them. I'm sure everyone has their own experiences, but I learned over much trial and error (mostly error) that for whatever reason, some people are hardened to the point that they could only be reached by God, and their only use for others is as verbal punching bags to vent their anger.

Some people who say they don't want friends are dealing with a world of hurt and desperately want someone to care, but they are paralyzed by past rejection and bad experiences.

Others, however, have come to a point where their hearts are so hard that I think they only want the benefit of other human beings and not the work or effort it takes to build an actual relationship with one. They don't want friendships because they get to a place where they have found a way to make their surroundings most comfortable and suitable to them, and they are unwilling or no longer have the skills to compromise with others.

People are of use to them if they provide some sort of service (for instance, readers who absorb their anger, bitterness, and loneliness on a public forum), but if it requires going out of their comfort zone or having to set aside their own needs or wants for another person, it's just not worth it to them. If someone's belief that they have no need for friends is actually a cover for their own self-centeredness, then yes, it's a sin.

I know there has to be a balance between give and take in any friendship, but if someone doesn't want friends simply because they don't to make the effort and self-sacrifice they would have to put into it, this would definitely be something to ask God about, because God asks us to serve others, not lock ourselves away in comfortable boxes that only suit us.

I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. How does God convict the rest of you when you choose to be too isolated and self-focuses? I know that whenever I become too isolated, God always reminds me that our job as Christians is to serve others in some way. (I usually break my own isolation through the use of personal correspondence, trying to encourage someone through a challenge they are facing.)

Best wishes to you as you ask God what is motivating your feelings and what He steps He might want you to take next.
well i do like social media and chatting, but not irl conversations which is probaly due to my sa and many failures making friends, i just dont fit in this modern world...people are so mean and shallow.
 

LittleMermaid

Well-known member
Apr 23, 2019
318
380
63
#16
Our goal on this Earth is to become more and more like Jesus. He had many friends. He even called Judas his friend, even though he knew what Judas was going to do to him.
I used to think I was introverted, shy, socially anxious...and maybe I am, but I do know that I find freedom in Christ. I just have to depend on his strength and not my own. This has lead me to some victories lately. But it's only because of Him. He helps me, He's the one who does all the work. I just have to depend on Him.

It's normal to want friends and be social. God made us that way. If you have anxiety, work on it and ask God to help you overcome it. There is so much freedom in Him.
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
4,786
1,735
113
#17
I love friends and friendly people ♡
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,232
2,636
113
#18
aw, well if Im boring you I wont bother you then...cos I am person (not a cute furry cat, sorry) and I suppose that just makes me boring :-(
 
Aug 2, 2009
23,054
2,834
113
#19
aw, well if Im boring you I wont bother you then...cos I am person (not a cute furry cat, sorry) and I suppose that just makes me boring :-(
I don't know who you're replying to, but you're not boring.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,232
2,636
113
#20
idk i just find people boring and i have social anxiety which there is no cure for (not my version).

but what if you cant get friends? what if im destined to be friendliess my whole life?

i did try to make friends for years but always failed, i guess its what god want.
OP said he found people boring, and Im a person, so I guess I must be boring...?

Pesonally I find most people interesting once you get to know them.
Maybe just OP just needs a deeper connection with people and to seek that out. dont look on outward appearances...I know so many people tend to judge people that way, but you dont have to.

Dont let one mean and shallow person ruin your ability to make friends with anyone else..is what Im saying.

I was reading Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister, such a favourite amongst the new entrants. It was about making friends. if you find a copy why not read it and tell me how you think the rainbow fish made friends....