Emotional Cheating
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Yep yep yep.
Do not EVER talk about your marriage to a friend of the opposite sex.
If someone else starts confiding in you about their marriage, you'd better shut it down QUICK.
It happens to strong marriages too. All it takes is another person coming into the picture in pursuit of your spouse. Your spouse is completely confident that he/she can handle the situation. He/she loves YOU after all. He/she starts to listen and try to "help" the other person with their marriage or whatever other trouble they seem to be having. Hero + Damsel in Distress = Emotional Affair. Often completely unintentional (at least on one side), but once you slip down that slope, it's nearly impossible to climb back out again.
Do not EVER talk about your marriage to a friend of the opposite sex.
If someone else starts confiding in you about their marriage, you'd better shut it down QUICK.
It happens to strong marriages too. All it takes is another person coming into the picture in pursuit of your spouse. Your spouse is completely confident that he/she can handle the situation. He/she loves YOU after all. He/she starts to listen and try to "help" the other person with their marriage or whatever other trouble they seem to be having. Hero + Damsel in Distress = Emotional Affair. Often completely unintentional (at least on one side), but once you slip down that slope, it's nearly impossible to climb back out again.
when i was dating, a girl would always contact my bf whenever she had drama going on in her life or when she was sad. i wanted to be a mature adult about it and told myself it wasn't a big deal. i knew he loved me, and she knew he and i were together. it kept bothering me. she even called me one time looking for him. when i told her he wasn't with me at that precise moment, she said, "oh.. i guess i'll talk to you then." wat? it got to the point that i had to tell him how much it was bothering me that this chick kept contacting him to talk about personal things. he backed away from her, and i guess she got the clue. i knew he wanted to help her because he's a good guy, but who knows how things would have ended up if it continued.
(this was a dating relationship. i know with marriage, things are on a different level... or deeper level. etc)
(this was a dating relationship. i know with marriage, things are on a different level... or deeper level. etc)
What a very, very sad and tragic point of view.
My wife is well aware that I have many female friends - both online and in the real world - with whom I speak often.
Some of these, I have known since long before we were married. One is an ex-girlfriend.
With each of these valued friends I act only as I would if my wife were in the room.
"The Number One way to safeguard a relationship" is trust.
If the relationship is so insecure that one must jettison those close to us, it must be so shallow and unstable that it is destined for failure anyway.
My wife is well aware that I have many female friends - both online and in the real world - with whom I speak often.
Some of these, I have known since long before we were married. One is an ex-girlfriend.
With each of these valued friends I act only as I would if my wife were in the room.
"The Number One way to safeguard a relationship" is trust.
If the relationship is so insecure that one must jettison those close to us, it must be so shallow and unstable that it is destined for failure anyway.
I hope you never find out firsthand how wrong this can be. It isn't about lack of trust. It's about YOU being cautious and careful in your relationships with others. These things usually happen to those who don't think it could ever happen. Because they aren't being as careful as they should be.
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K
First, I think you need to come to the realization that going forward the proper spelling of "ever" in your world is now EVAH. (or well, maybe..... it's ever, now that I think about it - alpha dog and all that.... oh well - never mind) *shakes head* Now, on to a more pressing matter.....
The rest of this post sounds .... .... jaded. And not practical. You make it sound like the damsel (asexual) always has some undisclosed motive of stealing a mate and the hero as always too weak to overcome their advances. Therefore, the scenario will result in an emotional affair which will lead to a physical one as well. Practically speaking, I think the opposite is mostly true. I believe the far majority of people (the hero) helping (a marriage, for instance) and making a positive impact for a married couple far outnumber the cases where emotional affairs become a reality. Not all pastors are emotionally involved with their opposite sex parishioners and not all married men or women who are driven to help others are prone to these behaviors. It does happen, they're chronicled all too well, but it's a lot more rare than this thread is letting on.
This theory would indict everyone - nobody could feel safe and good about helping anyone else. I think it's pretty clear that married couples can NOT always work out their issues themselves; most of the time can't even identify them. They need external intervention and most of the time, that help STARTS with one spouse. Notice I said "starts", not stays.
I guess since I personally can name at least 4 couples that this happened to in the past 5 years, thay I'm extremely touchy about the subject. I'm sad that I've watched so many families fall apart because one of the parents ran off with the "best friend" . My sweet longsuffering sister in law put up with it for 5 years on and off before she finally had to ask my brother to leave. It all started with him texting his "best friend" who was unhappy with her marriage. He was only trying to help.... or so he said. Bleh... sorry to be so negative . Its usually best to stay out of other people's relationships unless you know they're being abused.
Emotional cheating looks like…. well honestly it probably looks like you are dating someone other than your partner. Spending lots of one on one time (online, on the phone, or in person), sharing your deep personal aspirations, fears, hurts, etc. Having secrets from your partner with a member of the opposite sex. If you feel the need to keep secrets from the person you are (supposed to be) in the most intimate relationship with, that really ought to be a red flag that something is wrong.
As to guardrails, well I imagine that usually the temptation for emotional cheating comes when the relationship is already having issues, but ideally there should be complete openness and honesty about your activities with others and a willingness to defer to the other's sensibilities. So if I'm talking with one particular guy a lot my partner should know about it; and if he has a problem with it, then it is a problem. If I'm not okay with my partner private chatting with other ladies online then it is a problem. And if the fact that one of you has a problem with it isn't a problem for the other one, that's an even bigger problem.
One of my friends demonstrated this well. The year after college was a really rough year for me (800 miles from home, trying to adjust to adult life, and no one my age and situation in life around), and there was a guy that I'd known for years (longer than he'd been dating his then fiancé) that I had found was really good at invalidating my bad arguments when I'd thought myself into a corner. I called him a few times that year, when I desperately needed someone to talk to, and I remember one time after dumping on him telling him it was ok to share stuff with me too. He replied something along the lines of it took a lot of effort for him to do the emotional sharing thing, and he thought he needed to spend that energy connecting with his soon to be wife. I told him he was absolutely right about that and apologized (though I had had no intention of trying to get between him and his fiancé). He could have felt sorry for me and tried to oblige me and had less to put towards his relationship that day, but I'm glad he had the courage and maturity to let me know that I was crossing the line.
As to guardrails, well I imagine that usually the temptation for emotional cheating comes when the relationship is already having issues, but ideally there should be complete openness and honesty about your activities with others and a willingness to defer to the other's sensibilities. So if I'm talking with one particular guy a lot my partner should know about it; and if he has a problem with it, then it is a problem. If I'm not okay with my partner private chatting with other ladies online then it is a problem. And if the fact that one of you has a problem with it isn't a problem for the other one, that's an even bigger problem.
One of my friends demonstrated this well. The year after college was a really rough year for me (800 miles from home, trying to adjust to adult life, and no one my age and situation in life around), and there was a guy that I'd known for years (longer than he'd been dating his then fiancé) that I had found was really good at invalidating my bad arguments when I'd thought myself into a corner. I called him a few times that year, when I desperately needed someone to talk to, and I remember one time after dumping on him telling him it was ok to share stuff with me too. He replied something along the lines of it took a lot of effort for him to do the emotional sharing thing, and he thought he needed to spend that energy connecting with his soon to be wife. I told him he was absolutely right about that and apologized (though I had had no intention of trying to get between him and his fiancé). He could have felt sorry for me and tried to oblige me and had less to put towards his relationship that day, but I'm glad he had the courage and maturity to let me know that I was crossing the line.
H
I distance myself from any opposite gender person who's spoken for...if we're not family, hanging out as a group, WITH their significant other, or for some professional purpose, any consistent one on one or intimate communication seems odd, to be honest. Don't care if it makes me sound possessive, i absolutely expect the same from my man, i don't play around with homewreckers. Protect your heart and relationship
M
I don't see it that way. In fact, in my (admittedly short) life thus far, I haven't seen much that is more sad or tragic than a marriage that ends when it didn't have to, when it could have been protected from the start (ok, disclaimer here: of course there are more horrific things that happen- luckily I haven't personally witnessed many).
Also, I never said that those who are in a relationship must "jettison" those close to them. I have friends and acquaintances who are male and whom I speak to still. I have, however, learned the very hard way that having Close male friends whom I talk to about my personal life or my problems is just begging for lines to be crossed by someone at some point.
If it has worked out fine for you and your wife, great. But I personally advise against such a situation for couples, because I believe that it's far better to prevent possible issues than to try to pick up the pieces later on (this coming from someone who is currently picking up the pieces).
As for what others have brought up as far as getting marriage/relationship advice from an outsider of the opposite gender, I'm not opposed to that, but I also feel that it can quickly become a problem if it's happening too often or if the other spouse doesn't know about it. Really, I think if a relationship is already rocky, taking those issues to anyone other than pastors or counselors can be risky (hindsight is 20/20, right?).
Anyway...I certainly don't mean to sound all doom and gloom or like people can't control themselves. I just think it's wise to be well aware of the poisons that can creep into a relationship through the tiniest crack, and to know how to prevent those cracks from forming in the first place.
C
IMO a lot of cheating nowadays does take place in the heart. Whether it's the guy avoiding his gf/wife to hide and watch porn, or the girl openly ignoring her bf/husband to watch girl porn (50 shades, magic mike, twilight, broke back mtn etc.) The visual is a very powerful medium to the mind, and visual media has sought to normalize and justify things that we know in our hearts to be wrong. These things are typically viewed for similar reasons and usually indicates a lack of devotion to the person they're with.
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Perhaps you are right Mr. Thomas. I should rephrase and clarify some of this... I have found it to be unwise to EVAH share intimate marriage problems with friends of the opposite sex. Of course, counselors and pastors, whose profession it is to deal with these things, are not included. Nor are close family members, or people you view as a father/mother figure. But telling your most secret insecurities and needs to a close friend IS going to cause emotional bonding, and if you're married and they are of the opposite sex, that just doesn't seem like a good idea.
(I don't personally consider that to be cheating. But I think it can definitely lead to cheating.)
(I don't personally consider that to be cheating. But I think it can definitely lead to cheating.)
You do realize that many of the posters here are writing from personal experience, right, Pumicestone?
I didn't have any problem with my then-husband going to gaming events with the girl we worked with. He and I would compromise in that I attended his soccer games and a few of his gaming events, but because she liked the same role-playing game he did, they would sometimes go together. I was fully supportive of this because I didn't think anything of it at the time. I figured, we were all grown adults.
(For all of you who know this already, I apologize. I repeat myself for the sake of posters such as this.)
One day I came home from work and half the house was gone. He had moved out. A few weeks later I got divorce papers in the mail. Not long after our divorce went through, the two of them publicly came out with their relationship.
Now, if I got married again, how would I react to my husband wanting to spend time with a female friend? I honestly don't know. For me, it would all depend on context.
I've had 3 male friends whom I knew many years before they got married. One married a girl who never even met me but texted me to say I was no longer to have contact with her husband because it would look "unGodly." Fair enough. I just think she could have handled it better. She judged me without even knowing me, even though he used to call me and talk for hours before they ever even met.
In the other two cases of guy friends getting married, I became friends with their wives and only had contact with them after that as a couple.
May I say, Pumicestone, that at your age (69 years old), I'm surprised that you apparently haven't seen the devastation of emotional cheating or couples who have been broken up because of it?
A good number of members here have had significant others who cheated on and/or left us and it all started out with someone who was "just their friend." We're speaking from experience and how to go about things in a wiser way, not insecurity.
I didn't have any problem with my then-husband going to gaming events with the girl we worked with. He and I would compromise in that I attended his soccer games and a few of his gaming events, but because she liked the same role-playing game he did, they would sometimes go together. I was fully supportive of this because I didn't think anything of it at the time. I figured, we were all grown adults.
(For all of you who know this already, I apologize. I repeat myself for the sake of posters such as this.)
One day I came home from work and half the house was gone. He had moved out. A few weeks later I got divorce papers in the mail. Not long after our divorce went through, the two of them publicly came out with their relationship.
Now, if I got married again, how would I react to my husband wanting to spend time with a female friend? I honestly don't know. For me, it would all depend on context.
I've had 3 male friends whom I knew many years before they got married. One married a girl who never even met me but texted me to say I was no longer to have contact with her husband because it would look "unGodly." Fair enough. I just think she could have handled it better. She judged me without even knowing me, even though he used to call me and talk for hours before they ever even met.
In the other two cases of guy friends getting married, I became friends with their wives and only had contact with them after that as a couple.
May I say, Pumicestone, that at your age (69 years old), I'm surprised that you apparently haven't seen the devastation of emotional cheating or couples who have been broken up because of it?
A good number of members here have had significant others who cheated on and/or left us and it all started out with someone who was "just their friend." We're speaking from experience and how to go about things in a wiser way, not insecurity.
K
You know Hellooo, I'm cognizant of this and Pipp, I respect the horror stories of good intentions gone astray, I just want to ensure that married couples feel like they have an avenue with good and Godly intervention of some sort. I don't want someone to feel like they have no outside outlet for fear of something awful happening.
You're right in that I too believe there's some topics of conversation that should be avoided - then again, those topics can "eventually" come up and then - you know..... la la la. But I think it's incumbent on the spouse to honor their marriage no matter who they talk to or get advice from. I mean, there is personal responsibility here isn't there? If something "happens" then ... what will you say? That the cheating spouse had nothing to do with it? They just went to someone they respected for counsel and tripped and fell into the spider's web? Nothing they could do?
You want to know the truth, I think this "emotional cheating" is a part of a larger epidemic of a lost world not honoring marriage or commitment and I believe marriage has been so compromised by easy divorce and altered definitions. This is stuff God warned against - did we think He was kidding?
You're right in that I too believe there's some topics of conversation that should be avoided - then again, those topics can "eventually" come up and then - you know..... la la la. But I think it's incumbent on the spouse to honor their marriage no matter who they talk to or get advice from. I mean, there is personal responsibility here isn't there? If something "happens" then ... what will you say? That the cheating spouse had nothing to do with it? They just went to someone they respected for counsel and tripped and fell into the spider's web? Nothing they could do?
You want to know the truth, I think this "emotional cheating" is a part of a larger epidemic of a lost world not honoring marriage or commitment and I believe marriage has been so compromised by easy divorce and altered definitions. This is stuff God warned against - did we think He was kidding?
MissCris, I have always loved your honesty.
And I'm right there with you, girl.
The Bible tells us that "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18.
The minute we start to think we're good enough or strong enough or secure enough to handle things out of our own strength... that's the same instant we leave the door wide open for the devil to test our strength.
And I'm right there with you, girl.
The Bible tells us that "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18.
The minute we start to think we're good enough or strong enough or secure enough to handle things out of our own strength... that's the same instant we leave the door wide open for the devil to test our strength.
You are dead right. I have not seen that.
Maybe it's a Yank thing ? (Joking)
Sure, we have had friends who have split - one or two from infidelity - but not caused by the perfectly natural contacts we are discussing here.
Whatever floats ya boat, I guess. But there is no way I would cut off long-standing friendships just because I got married.
Maybe it's a Yank thing ? (Joking)
Sure, we have had friends who have split - one or two from infidelity - but not caused by the perfectly natural contacts we are discussing here.
Whatever floats ya boat, I guess. But there is no way I would cut off long-standing friendships just because I got married.
