God Wants Us to Look at The Heart. So Why Is It that None of Us Can Get Past Looks?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Something I've been seriously thinking about a lot lately... I'm sure you've all run into this: the guy or girl who is interested in you but you only see them as a brother, sister, or good friend... Partially because this particular person LOOKS like they could be your brother, sister, or just one of your friends... but is not "the one" you envision in your head... or at least, is not "the one" you are unquestionably attracted to.

Now, this poor person could have the most awesome personality you've ever encountered, but if you're not attracted to the outer wrapping, do you still find yourself being drawn to that person? (In my case, yes, I've found this to be true--guys I may not have noticed by looks at first definitely got my attention with personality, and then they became very attractive to me. BUT, I have had many instances as well where a nice guy might be interested in me... but I'm not attracted to him in the least... and yes, a lot of it may have had to do with looks. It's happened to me many times in reverse as well--a guy I'm interested in hasn't found me to be a suitable match with what he's looking for, literally, in the area of looks...)

I always wonder, if you took that same person--their personality, sense of humor, level of faith--and poured it into a "different model", literally--the guy or girl who just stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad... Would you suddenly think differently of him or her? I would have to say YES. I've read some dear people state, "It doesn't matter what they look like, as long as they love Jesus..." and while they may be sincere, I have to confess I wouldn't believe them. Because of various personal medical struggles of my own, I know that I could easily let myself become obese very quickly, along with a severe case of acne, if I didn't keep up with proper medical care, and I would seriously contend with anyone who tried to tell me that people wouldn't treat me differently if that happened, no matter how much I love Jesus!! (I have a strong heart for people struggling with weight and skin problems because I've been there--I pray for anyone I pass who seems visibly uncomfortable with their appearance--silently-- because I don't want to further embarrass them.)

Or, have you met someone you found to be incredibly good-looking, yet you know they're totally, completely wrong for you (they aren't a Christian, have different morals, etc.) but you find yourself trying to "justify" those things or possibly change them so that you can have the person who LOOKS like "the one" of your dreams? Even though you know that person is just a pretty shell... with a lot of incompatible contents?

I once owned a Bible translation that described Leah and Rachel (Jacob/Israel's wives) in this manner: "Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful."

I don't have a sister, but I often wonder, if I did, and if a Biblical writer wrote about us, would he say something like this? (My name is Kim; let's say I had a sister named Kate)--"Kim has funny ears and is much too short, but Kate is tall and slim with perfect proportions, and is unquestionably beautiful."

All I can say is, I was always secretly glad I didn't have a sister.

Why is it that, if we have the mind and heart of Christ, we still can't get past looks--whether it be of someone else, or our own?

 

[CatWoman]

Ive dated all kinds of guys.Thin,fat,good looking and even a guy with a deformity and a guy with a mullet.I am looking for a christian man who is mature and a provider that does not smoke.One that does not put me down but encourages me to reach my goals.I cant say that looks dont matter because the guy Im looking for would have to have good hygene.Bathing is a must!Clean looks are attractive to me.

 

[grace]

I feel a like maybe I have written this before on another thread.....but its really how I feel. (and am)

My former husband, by societys standards, was a very attractive man. BUT, his heart was not in very good shape, and very ugly.

I have only been involved with one person since my marriage ended. I was absolutely crazy about him. BUT, by societies standards, he was average in the looks department. (or so I was told by my *friends*. I even had one friend tell me that I was definitely *dating down*. I found it very offensive that people thought like this. ) He had a very amazing heart though.

What I am trying to say is, it does not matter how attractive you are....if you have an ugly heart, no amount of good looks can make up for what your heart lacks. On the flip side, you may be considered average when it comes to physical appearances...but have an amazing heart. That amazing heart can cover many things that may be *lacking* elseware. (lacking due to someones definition of what makes a person attractive.)

I have never had a type. I am obviously not blind either....I can notice when someone is physically attractive. BUT, there is a spark about someone, through the look in their eyes, and their smile etc when they have that amazing heart inside them. No matter what they look like physically.

So to me, call it whatever you want, a part of chemistry, Christ inside them, I don't know...however you refer to look at it.....but it has to be there, and I can ussually sense it. If I do not sense it.....then I am just not going to be attracted to them, no matter what they look like.

Give me personality, over look/appearance any day. But it has been my experience that you will be physically attractive in my eyes (no matter how any one else views you), if I sense that spark in you.

 

[kiwi_OT]

Heres a thought

After Adam spends a long time naming all the animals (while feeling a bit lonely despite hanging out with God), what do you think he thought after waking up thinking 'how did did that scar get there?..' and noticing God leading Eve towards him?

Compared to an Aardvark I bet she looked AMAZING. Also bearing in mind she was naked and once God said "So ahh Im gonna go get a coffee, I'll be back in a few hours...", I dunno bout the guys here but if God hands you your very own wife packaged in nothing but her birthday suit and you hear God say "Be fruitful and multiply.." , you dont think they would be giving each other a cheeky grin and a bit of an eye searching? Hmmmm?
Hehehehe

 

[kiwi_OT]

I feel a like maybe I have written this before on another thread.....but its really how I feel. (and am)

My former husband, by societys standards, was a very attractive man. BUT, his heart was not in very good shape, and very ugly.

I have only been involved with one person since my marriage ended. I was absolutely crazy about him. BUT, by societies standards, he was average in the looks department. (or so I was told by my *friends*. I even had one friend tell me that I was definitely *dating down*. I found it very offensive that people thought like this. ) He had a very amazing heart though.

What I am trying to say is, it does not matter how attractive you are....if you have an ugly heart, no amount of good looks can make up for what your heart lacks. On the flip side, you may be considered average when it comes to physical appearances...but have an amazing heart. That amazing heart can cover many things that may be *lacking* elseware. (lacking due to someones definition of what makes a person attractive.)

I have never had a type. I am obviously not blind either....I can notice when someone is physically attractive. BUT, there is a spark about someone, through the look in their eyes, and their smile etc when they have that amazing heart inside them. No matter what they look like physically.

So to me, call it whatever you want, a part of chemistry, Christ inside them, I don't know...however you refer to look at it.....but it has to be there, and I can ussually sense it. If I do not sense it.....then I am just not going to be attracted to them, no matter what they look like.

Give me personality, over look/appearance any day. But it has been my experience that you will be physically attractive in my eyes (no matter how any one else views you), if I sense that spark in you.

Amen!!!

Btw, I posted my previous post as a bit of a laugh.

My fiance being nearly 12 years older than me with a history of arthritis, eye problems, back problems, receding hairline. But you know what? I absolutely adore him. I am attracted to him in every way (although can't do much til we're married). He has a generous and servant heart and one of the biggest things that make me think "Oh God thankyou for giving me this man" is the way he loves to talk about what hes currently reading in his bible and standing next to him in church and hearing him belting out his praises to God in his booming voice that he has absolutely no shame of. The smile he gets on his face when out of the blue he starts singing along to christian radio is one of those small things that make a huge impact on why I love to look at him.
And of course in my opinion hes the most handsome man in the world

 

[Ugly]

Fact of the matter physical attraction is part of human makeup. Some people may be more caught up in it than others, though. I won't lie, i don't want to be with a woman i find unattractive physically. Thats not to say i am after a supermodel either. That seems to be a common misconception among the 'looks don't matter' group. They assume everyone wants to date only the most pretty, model-eque types & thats just not true. There are women i see that i find flat out unattractive, but they have men who think they're beautiful. While yes the heart of the person is important, it is still only part of who the person is. I want someone who attracts me on their outside as well as who they are on the inside. Whatever that means for me personally. And i feel unapologetic on my stance.

 

[grace]

Fact of the matter physical attraction is part of human makeup. Some people may be more caught up in it than others, though. I won't lie, i don't want to be with a woman i find unattractive physically. Thats not to say i am after a supermodel either. That seems to be a common misconception among the 'looks don't matter' group. They assume everyone wants to date only the most pretty, model-eque types & thats just not true. There are women i see that i find flat out unattractive, but they have men who think they're beautiful. While yes the heart of the person is important, it is still only part of who the person is. I want someone who attracts me on their outside as well as who they are on the inside. Whatever that means for me personally. And i feel unapologetic on my stance.

I'm not disputing this. there are some things I would find *unattractive* about someone....and they could be a deal breaker. These things would be things you would see physically...BUT, there is a bigger issue there about their personality...so once again...for me, they tie together.

Hygeine is a MUST! I do not even know how to go into detail about this.....but if I saw someone, and they (in my opionion) were unhygenic....I would def. find them unattractive right away.

~Such as...long, unkept, dirty fingernails.
~Nasty teeth. (shows that he does not brush often, and therefore not seem to care)
~Wearing ill fitting clothes. Having some weight on you is not going to be a deal breaker. Wearing a shirt that does not cover that weight...mhhm, pretty sure that would make the deal breaker list.
~I do not require a lot of someone....but you do have to have some sense of *pride* in your appearance. Be clean, wear clothes that are clean, and fit your body, etc.

Beyond that, the guy could have a receding hairline, be a bit overweight, wear glasses, have an overbite, be real thin, whatever it may be.....but if he has that *spark* inside him that you can see coming out of him in his eyes and smile......the rest will sort itself out. God is pretty amazing like that.

If you want to look at me, and not find me physically attractive, (or your type)...then that is your choice. I do however, find it a bit of a shame that you would not take the time to find out anything about me just by an initial glance at my appearance. *shrugs*

Hopefully everything I said has made sense.

 

[Jullianna]

There is something that sets off that spark of attraction when you first meet someone, even before you get to know their personality, values, faith, etc. That something special that makes you want to know more. It could be their eyes, a confident manner, wit, the way they walk, a smile, a laugh, the set of their shoulders, seeing them show kindness to someone...something. This gets your attention and makes you want to answer the phone, but if there's nothing more, it won't keep you in the conversation. There has to be so much more.

To choose to date someone or not date them by looks alone is pretty silly. There are a lot of nice looking jerks out there - male AND female. And there are a lot of people we might pass by if we aren't paying attention who are very loving, faithful, devout, compassionate, intelligent, inquisitive, fun, witty, daring, challenging...

Having said that, there are very beautiful, godly women throughout the scriptures: Rachel, Sarah, Esther; as well as men: David, Samson, Joseph..to name a few. So it is possible to look nice and be godly at the same time.

I do have to agree that personal hygiene is a total make or break, no matter who you are or what you look like.

 

[Liamson]

Fact of the matter physical attraction is part of human makeup. Some people may be more caught up in it than others, though. I won't lie, i don't want to be with a woman i find unattractive physically. Thats not to say i am after a supermodel either. That seems to be a common misconception among the 'looks don't matter' group. They assume everyone wants to date only the most pretty, model-eque types & thats just not true. There are women i see that i find flat out unattractive, but they have men who think they're beautiful. While yes the heart of the person is important, it is still only part of who the person is. I want someone who attracts me on their outside as well as who they are on the inside. Whatever that means for me personally. And i feel unapologetic on my stance.

I completely agree.

There are just too many things that a person's looks tell about them. I'm not talking about genetic blessings either. I'm talking about body language, the way people carry themselves and how they engage other people.

As Ugly said, were not looking for supermodels. But I'm not going to chase a frumpy woman who sits around in sweatpants all day surfing the internet either. A person's appearance lends a lot to what is important to them in life. Just as hiking in heels is a bit awkward, so is trying to pretend that personality is everything.

Its not an objective standard. I'm not trying to make rules or bars for CC to meet. I just know that I would like someone who is much like me. People adapt to each other, small things can be overcome but, I wouldn't want to become someone's project or make a project out of someone else. One might even say its unbiblical to be Unequally Yoked and I'm not exactly a Gym Rat.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Amen!!!

Btw, I posted my previous post as a bit of a laugh.

My fiance being nearly 12 years older than me with a history of arthritis, eye problems, back problems, receding hairline. But you know what? I absolutely adore him. I am attracted to him in every way (although can't do much til we're married). He has a generous and servant heart and one of the biggest things that make me think "Oh God thankyou for giving me this man" is the way he loves to talk about what hes currently reading in his bible and standing next to him in church and hearing him belting out his praises to God in his booming voice that he has absolutely no shame of. The smile he gets on his face when out of the blue he starts singing along to christian radio is one of those small things that make a huge impact on why I love to look at him.
And of course in my opinion hes the most handsome man in the world

That is true love right there!! God bless you!

Sorry, I have nothing to say on this subject.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I will say one thing though...

Physical attractiveness wears off quickly, so if you think being with a physically attractive girl or guy is going to keep you happy in a relationship, think again.

 

[InkedFaith]

This is all just my opinion.

I have dated through the ranks from literally run-way models to girls that are not considered attractive to most. What all of them had in common what that they were every attractive to ME. It really doesn’t matter to me what other people think of who i am with but I have found that I do need to find them attractive in some physical sense. I consider myself to not be unattractive and so I don’t really think about it is terms of someone is out of my league or under me because people from all walks of life from super popular extroverts to super interesting introverts can all hold something that i want. All i really need is there to be the attraction and god and BANG let thing happen as they may.

Having said that i also believe how someone views themselves is very important to how they appear to people. There are women that i have dated that were confident in themselves when we first met and became friends and slowly over time they became more comfortable around me and I was able to see more and more confidence. This in turn some how makes them that much more attractive to me. So attraction, even physical attraction isn’t always about first looks or how you dress sometimes it is how you feel about you that can make the world look that much better.

 

[Jullianna]

I will say one thing though...

Physical attractiveness wears off quickly, so if you think being with a physically attractive girl or guy is going to keep you happy in a relationship, think again.

I do try to keep this in mind because we're all going to get older one of these days and won't look like we do now. If that was the best thing we had going for us, what's left??? There has to be more than looks.

My grandpa was an awesomely handsome, rugged man. He used to say that he "wouldn't mind getting old if he didn't have to get so #$%@ ugly too!" I try to keep this in mind. haha

 

[Dude653]

I have seen women who are physicaly beautiful.. bit the personality makes them ugly

 

[thimsrebma]

I woul have to agree with Liamson and Ugly.

I think attraction is subjective. There are some people that only like super model types and other who love the girl/guy next door look. Looks are important in the sense that if you are not attracted to someone you probably would not date them in the first place. Just because you are not attracted to someone doesn't mean no one else will be either.

Yes there are some shallow people out there that only go for looks and personality is second. But I also think we all have to admit that on some level we have dismissed someone just because we were not attracted to them, which is the natural thing because the physical is what we see first in someone.

 

[Jullianna]

This is all just my opinion.

I have dated through the ranks from literally run-way models to girls that are not considered attractive to most. What all of them had in common what that they were every attractive to ME. It really doesn’t matter to me what other people think of who i am with but I have found that I do need to find them attractive in some physical sense. I consider myself to not be unattractive and so I don’t really think about it is terms of someone is out of my league or under me because people from all walks of life from super popular extroverts to super interesting introverts can all hold something that i want. All i really need is there to be the attraction and god and BANG let thing happen as they may.

Having said that i also believe how someone views themselves is very important to how they appear to people. There are women that i have dated that were confident in themselves when we first met and became friends and slowly over time they became more comfortable around me and I was able to see more and more confidence. This in turn some how makes them that much more attractive to me. So attraction, even physical attraction isn’t always about first looks or how you dress sometimes it is how you feel about you that can make the world look that much better.

I like what you're saying here. I've dated guys that were gorgeous and some maybe not so much, but there was something about them that made them AMAZING to ME.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I do try to keep this in mind because we're all going to get older one of these days and won't look like we do now. If that was the best thing we had going for us, what's left??? There has to be more than looks.

My grandpa was an awesomely handsome, rugged man. He used to say that he "wouldn't mind getting old if he didn't have to get so #$%@ ugly too!" I try to keep this in mind. haha

Thats a great quote from your grandpa. I was actually talking more short-term like how after you get to know a person you realize they are not quite the dreamy image that you had of them when you were first attracted.

 

[RIKANCHULA]

God Bless everyone!!!

In all my experiences with dating, I have found that what really does matter is the heart and first and farmost what God wants for you. I have dated the most handsome men but they all turned out to be the ugliest due to their personalities and their deceptive ways. I feel if God wants you to be with someone you will be attracted to the reflection of Christ in them regardless of how they look.

Before I used to think that thugs were hot. When I thought that I was completely in the world at that time. Then as I got closer to God I started thinking that more sophisticated men were attractive. Once I fully submitted my will to God I completely understood that there is nothing absolutely more attractive then a man who has a Godly prescence and loves God above all things regardless of his looks!!!!

People tend to say well there has to be something phsycially that attracts me about them but, are you really thinking with a Christ like mentality? Are you just looking to find a mate or who God has designed for you in particular. I think if the mind set is more focused on who every God has for you then looks will not matter because you will completely understand that only God knows who and what is best for you!!!! God Bless!

 

[Rissa77]

My mind works about the same every time... I may find them physically attractive at first, but their ugly character will make them ugly. I may find them physically unattractive at first, but their beautiful character will make them beautiful. My first, initial reaction is fleshy. Over time, the true beauty or lack of beauty reveals itself. I can think back to all the guys I thought were cute at first in high school, and after getting to know them, they all became ugly to me. The unattractive people with the quirks they think aren't cute will become cute to me.

I'm finding myself attracted to someone right now who was attractive at first, but then his behavior made him unattractive. Over time, the behavior changed. Now as I'm getting to know him more, he's growing on me, and the little quirks he thinks are unattractive are cute to me. He has a good heart, and it makes him beautiful - much more than my first impression.

 

[Jullianna]

Thats a great quote from your grandpa. I was actually talking more short-term like how after you get to know a person you realize they are not quite the dreamy image that you had of them when you were first attracted.

That is soooooooooo true. One guy in particular was movie star handsome (and was actually in the two Fugitive movies), smart, funny, heroic.... But in the few hours I was around him, he rudely offended three different people for no reason whatsoever. I couldn't wait to get away. It was awful...between some folks and their egos, there's no room for a relationship.