Hey Everyone,
I'm sorry if this original post becomes a bit lengthy, as this is a subject I feel passionately about, and I mean the title sincerely--no sarcasm or criticism is intended.
First of all, I'd just like to add in a little note here to say that I haven't been in chat for a long time, but the last few times I was there, several people dropped by to talk to me about my threads--I'd like to thank you all for your feedback, as it helps me become better at writing my thoughts more concisely and effectively. If anyone ever wants to say hi or leave me a message, please feel free, and know it will be confidential. As I've said before, when I include examples of others in my threads, I ask permission and often change the genders, locations, and details to an extent to where the people involved are completely anonymous. Please don't think, "Oh, if I say something to Seoul, she will immediately write a thread about it!"
Ok!! Sorry to stray off the topic!
Seeing as we've seen some good advice in the Singles Forum lately on how guys can prepare to have a girlfriend, spouse, and/or family, it seems only fair to ask them, how can we, as the presumed other half, help you become the full person God made you to be?
I know there is a lot of debate on gender roles according to the Bible, and while I'm obviously as outspoken and as feisty of a woman as you can get
, I take my God-given role as a future helpmate very seriously.
Here are some things that have been on my heart as far as preparing to be a good helpmate (and I certainly hope I don't come across as sounding conceited, as most of these issues are things God had to drag me through, kicking and screaming all the way):
1. I feel it's very important to be financially responsible, paying bills in full and on time, as well as paying down any major debts as soon as possible. I don't want to say to my future husband, "Hi, let's get married so that you can help me pay for all the things I bought to try to comfort myself over being single!"
2. I've worked hard to let God deal with me over my own emotional issues and in particular, my own bad attitudes towards men (the result of lousy relationship choices that were my own fault, but of course, I blamed them and God for my misery.) I admit it's very hard not to worry slightly about some other guy breaking my heart, but I know I have to at least have an open mind and treat someone with a clean slate in order to even establish a relationship.
3. I believe it's important to be aware of and sensitive to what a guy may have been through. I am not in any way trying to talk down or lessen the problems we women go through, but I think sometimes we forget that guys often go through the same things and for them, it can be even harder because society frowns on the idea of a man asking for help. Society is also so harsh that it questions their sexual orientation if they show even the slightest amount of emotion or moral restraint.
As an example, I have been in relationships with guys who have had histories of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I think sometimes we ladies forget what kind of impact that can have on a guy. He may be nervous enough about talking to a woman, let alone be able to wrestle with the thought of telling her some of the things he's trying to let God help him with.
Abuse can come in other forms as well, such as a parent or parents who were never there, parents who were there but emotionally unavailable, a household in which he was never spoken to unless it was some sort of criticism or harsh discipline, siblings who were favored over him, etc. All of these things will, of course, have an impact on a man's heart and journey with the Lord and with other people.
As a woman, I feel it's my job to be sensitive and aware of such things so that I am prepared to help my husband seek any help he may need for these kinds of terrible traumas. I've been through many classes, served on prayer teams and at conferences, all the while learning how to pray for someone and how to go to God when they can't quite tell me what's wrong, because God is certainly a lot smarter than I am when it comes to what that person is going through and what they need!
Am I even close to doing this all very well? Heck, no!!! As I wrote in another thread, one of the things I'm doing as practice in being submissive to a man's lead is that I will go to my best guy friend for advice, and when I feel God is tugging at my heart, will follow what he tells me, even if I'm fighting it tooth and nail. In fact, my friend once told me, "Kim, sometimes you talk to me as if I'm a little girl in a dress!!" (For some reason, he still puts up with me... it can only be the grace of God!!) But, I'm trying!!!
4. In preparation for a possible family someday, I've been in situations in which I've taken on an active role in trying to help some parents with their kids, at different ages and stages of development (for example, doing things such as helping with potty training on up to hiring a friend's teenage daughter to do some cleaning with me so we could talk about some things she faces in the schools.) I seriously don't know how parents do it and have nothing but the utmost respect for them.
5. I know there are a lot of arguments about this, but if my husband were willing, I would probably choose to work at least part-time, or at least be active in volunteer activities. Now, if we had kids, it would be different, and I would be completely agreeable to being a stay-at-home mom while they were little, at least, but I am someone who would most likely need to get out of the house at least a few times a week in order to keep her sanity (I've learned this about myself while working as a helper to other parents.)
When my beloved Grandma died three years ago, I was talking to my Grandpa about their life together, seeing as they were married 64 years. My grandparents were fruit farmers, and with tears in his eyes, he told me about the two of them together in the fields with a length of chain between them, one on each side, measuring out the distance for planting the crops. She worked from sunrise to long after the sunset every day, right there at his side. To me, this is a perfect model of what a helpmate should be.
I may be wrong about this, but I don't think that when God made Adam and Eve and put them in the Garden of Eden, Eve was expected to stay behind in their treehouse or tent or wherever they lived and pick up leaves or dust the railings repeatedly until the children arrived. I would imagine, though I could be wrong, that she was out there working with Adam in caring for the tropical environment that God had given them as a home.
I know times have changed, and I myself grew up in a family where my Mom stopped working as soon as kids came into the picture. But to me, if there is a pile of bills on the table and my husband is stressed and dismayed and trying his very best to provide but life becomes overwhelming, in my own heart, as a helpmate, instead of telling him he needs to be more Godly and a better provider or stronger leader, it's my job to roll up my sleeves and ask him, "Honey, how can I help?" And if that means taking on a job (or if need be, two or three), then that, if God is willing, will be what I would do.
However, these interpretations are my own opinions and certainly not absolute, as I believe that God makes us all for different purposes and what works for some may have to be worked out differently for others.
God tells us, above all else, to serve one another in love, just as Jesus came "not to be served, but to serve." No one likes the thought of serving (me included!), but God tells us we will win people over with our humble service and that God Himself is pleased with us when we put aside our pride, humble our own hearts, and simply serve.
Guys, what are your thoughts? Are these the right things to do, or am I missing the point completely? What else can we ladies do to help you?
And ladies, what do you feel is important to do, and what have you already done, in becoming the awesome, Godly helper you were made to be?
(I realize some people may have been called to be single, so please consider yourself exempt from these questions, although you are more than welcome to contribute!)
