Is marriage a prerequisite for ....?

[cinder]

Due to popular demand (as in at least 2 people asked for it), I've been compelled to expand upon a comment I made in an earlier thread about people not being seen as mature until they're married. Someone also brought up to me the idea of being responsible as a huge part of that maturity. That the unmarried are seen as avoiding responsibility while those who marry, by the very act of marriage are viewed as being ready and able to handle increased responsibility. And along with that we should also address the idea of marriage as a rite of passage into adulthood, so that for many singles it seems like the first and sometimes only question people ask us when catching up with us is some variant of, “So are you seeing anyone?”


So are there ways that people have intentionally or unintentionally made you feel like less of an adult because of your singleness? Are there leadership or ministry opportunities that you feel you've been overlooked for because the people doing the choosing wanted a married couple in that position (rightly or wrongly)? Do you see singleness as a way of avoiding commitment and responsibility? Would such avoidance be wisdom (you aren't committing to something you know you can't handle) or cowardice (you aren't willing to be stretched and grown)? And because I'm a fixer and a solver, what can we do to counter any prejudice against singles when we do encounter it?

 

[wwjd_kilden]

Hmmm....

The thing is it is difficult to single out things from a cluster of ... things.

I have a lot of friends and family that are only slightly older, or slightly younger that are married, or at least engaged, and have children, and I do think "wow, how come they grew up and I didn't?" , but part of the reason why I am thinking that is that I don't have a job, and even when I had a job I felt useless because the customers made us feel like we were making their lives difficult rather than helping .... but yeah... it does feel like being married .... adds to your grownup - score

 

[cinder]

Hmmm....

The thing is it is difficult to single out things from a cluster of ... things.

I have a lot of friends and family that are only slightly older, or slightly younger that are married, or at least engaged, and have children, and I do think "wow, how come they grew up and I didn't?" , but part of the reason why I am thinking that is that I don't have a job, and even when I had a job I felt useless because the customers made us feel like we were making their lives difficult rather than helping .... but yeah... it does feel like being married .... adds to your grownup - score

Now I want to see the thread or blog post about how to calculate your grownup score.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

I pay my bills. I pay my taxes. I consider myself diligent and punctual in my job, and in most other matters. I endeavor to honor my family and friends, and I try to be good to myself. I'm not interested in marriage, but I do think I'm fairly responsible.

This talk of avoiding marriage as being synonymous with avoiding responsibility: Responsible to what? Family? Society? Tradition? God? Maybe it sounds cynical, but I've had a hard time seeing marriage as little more than a social construct, and not quite as some intrinsic ambition most of us realize at some point in life.

Do you see singleness as a way of avoiding commitment and responsibility?

I see singleness as a relationship status, and avoiding commitment or responsibility as a different discussion.

Would such avoidance be wisdom (you aren't committing to something you know you can't handle) or cowardice (you aren't willing to be stretched and grown)?

Are those really my only two options?

 

[Daylilies]

Cinder, this was such a great, though-provoking question!

I think sometimes society makes me feel like choosing to be single as avoiding responsibility or commitment; how many times haven't we all been asked when we are going to "settle down"?

However, I maintain that I am in some ways more responsible because I am doing everything - financial decisions, maintaining a household, assisting family members and friends, etc. - without the support of a partner. (I do have to give credit to family and friends for supporting me, but it still isn't the same as the support I see my married friends giving to their spouses.)

I also feel that the decisions to end my previous relationships have demonstrated my ability to be responsible. Those relationships weren't the right path for me and/or the person I was dating, even though the selfish or easier path (at the time) might have been marriage.

I don't have any suggestions - other than honest conversation - as to how we can counter that prejudice, but I am curious as to what others' thoughts are, because I have experienced the single-gal prejudice. - Daylilies

 

[Lynx]

Hmm... cinder you mentioned something about ministry. That is one area where being single could be a barrier, and for good reason. If I, a single guy, am the youth pastor for a church, certain people might throw accusations that they would not be able to use if I were married. To be blunt, it's a lot harder to accuse a married guy of having sex with a teen girl in his youth group.

 

[Lynx]

But to answer the OP, it does seem people consider marriage to be a defining factor in a person's maturity rating. Maybe loneliness isn't the driving force for people desperate to get married after all.

Although with marriage itself on the wane these days as people merely live together (more convenient, no messy divorce when they break up,) the perception of marriage as a measure of maturity might be changing. And that might not be entirely a good thing.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey Cinder, great topic!

I remember a CC user a long time ago who posted about a friend she knew.

Her friend was the only single gal among a group of married women who were all planning a day trip for a women's retreat--and the single gal was told that she would be staying behind, because the other women had unanimously decided that she it would be her job to act as the group babysitter and watch all of their children.

I haven't had it quite this bad but one of the reasons I looked for other areas to serve in at church was because parents who were 10 years younger than I was talked to me like I was the 16-year-old babysitter when I worked in the kids' rooms (and I was in my 30's then.)

It's not that I was demanding respect or anything, but if I could work with other adults who actually treated me like an adult and acted as mentors rather than treating me like a teenage servant, that's certainly what I was going to choose.

I have nothing but respect for marrieds and especially those with children. I do think they have a unique angle on life because their situation forces them to think about and rearrange their life around at least one other person.

But I also think the respect has to be mutual. Married life is tough. Single life is tough. Both have their pros and cons. And many single people also wind up in situations in which they too are caring for other people and raising families.

One of the reasons I've chosen to remain single is because I used to be in relationships in which I always wound up as some form of caretaker (due to irresponsible choices, not disability), which eventually dulled my ambition to try to be with anyone else. I've met awesome, highly responsible guys in the meantime but they always wound up as just friends, and for some reason, the guys I've met who talked about maybe pursuing something all had the same things going on as in my former relationships.

I am always appreciative of marrieds who are encouraging and supportive to singles instead of preaching down to them.

Maybe these marrieds realize that one of the most grown-up choices you can make is to continuously choose to be alone rather than settle for a person/situation that you know right off the bat would be a disaster.

 

[cinder]

Hmm... cinder you mentioned something about ministry. That is one area where being single could be a barrier, and for good reason. If I, a single guy, am the youth pastor for a church, certain people might throw accusations that they would not be able to use if I were married. To be blunt, it's a lot harder to accuse a married guy of having sex with a teen girl in his youth group.

I think we could expand this to say it's a lot easier to make any sort of accusation stick against a single person because they don't have the built in alibi of a spouse that is almost always with them. If I had to prove I was home at a certain time instead of out doing something nefarious; I just hope that I could present some sort of internet usage log as my alibi.

But to build on what you said, my thought was more like because it's easier to accuse a single guy of such inappropriate behavior (or oh my goodness said single youth pastor might actually start dating and well the world being what it is he will be tempted to sin in that situation while in leadership and we can't have that possibility in our church) that does it seem churches are prone to skip over the single pastor all together in favor of the "safer" married choice?

Hey Cinder, great topic!


Maybe these marrieds realize that one of the most grown-up choices you can make is to continuously choose to be alone rather than settle for a person/situation that you know right off the bat would be a disaster.

That was definitely an addendum section I wanted to add about how much more stable and responsible my life is as a single than a lot of people who have gotten themselves in difficulty through an ill advised marriage, thinking they could have their fun, etc, while ignoring the consequences. And then there are those people who just abandon their family or marriage. I just need to be careful to remember while writing about such things that I started with every advantage and have been blessed to have healthy avenues to meet my relational needs, that other people often don't have. But yes I agree, there is a whole lot of maturity in being wise enough to stay out of a bad relationship, much more than to jump from bad relationship to bad relationship.

 

[Lynx]

I think we could expand this to say it's a lot easier to make any sort of accusation stick against a single person because they don't have the built in alibi of a spouse that is almost always with them. If I had to prove I was home at a certain time instead of out doing something nefarious; I just hope that I could present some sort of internet usage log as my alibi.

Now I'm a'gittin all paranoid...

But yeah, that's the general gist of what I meant. A spouse provides a large measure of indemnity.

 

[JaimeMartinez26]

1st cor. 8 and 9

I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.



i dont worry about about what people think... just how God sees me

 

[seoulsearch]

Cinder and Lynx,

I've been wanting to start a thread for a long time regarding the points you both have brought up.

So many people tell us singles to "Enjoy your blessed time with the Lord! Stop thinking of yourself! Go out and serve!" Ahem.

Some of these people seem completely oblivious to the potential dangers that single people are often shoved into by some marrieds who see them as nothing but lowly sanitation workers. There seems to be an attitude of, "We'll do all the heavy, REAL work here; you just stay in the background and clean up the mess."

I have a guy friend who loved serving in teen ministry but the married leaders ignored his request for greater responsibilities and leadership, reducing him to being the group chauffeur. At the end of their events, this couple was, understandably, tired, and felt that it was their greatest priority to get home to their children.

However, this also meant that they saddled my friend with driving many of the teens home, and they were constantly putting him in situations in which he could easily be accused of wrongdoing. He tried to talk to them about it many times, but they wouldn't listen, and eventually, because they treated him as nothing more than a second-class relief worker, he had to quit a ministry he absolutely loved, all because the leaders had no respect for his safety or reputation.

 

[Lynx]

It is for exactly that reason that I got a friend (who happens to be a lady, and no she's not my girlfriend) to ride shotgun when I was picking up some girls on the church bus. I called her job indemnity patrol.

 

[Miri]

There is a saying, marry in haste, repent at leisure. I know several people
this applies to. It could be argued that singles who weigh up the pros and cons
and who don't plunge headlong into marriage, are the more mature and responsible.

Then there are couples who cohabit and never get married, are they ready or not?

Or how about people who jump from one relationship to another to another, with
barely a gap inbetween. I know a few this applies to.

I don't think marriage or singleness in and of themselves, is a sign of maturity and
responsibility. I think these things come with life experiences.

Someone young who has been through a lot, can seem very grown up for their age for example.
I know someone born without any legs and only one arm. They have spent a life time coping
With their disability and the ignorance and prejudice of others. Yet at 16 they were living
in their own house, paying the bills, feeding themselves etc. This person gave their
testimony in our church a few weeks ago. It's been a few years since I last saw him, it was
good to know life has turned out so well. He was in the GB disabled wheelchair rugby squad at
one point and now he coaches disabled young people.

While I've seen older people so dizzy and immature, it makes you wonder how they have
managed to survive. Lol There is one person I know in her 70s who has been married twice.
She doesn't have a clue about anything!

As for the ministry thingy. I find most things in church are geared at families, married couples,
children. So as a single it can be hard to find where you fit in.

Most groups are aimed a families or single sex groups, i.e. Men's breakfast, girls aloud,
family film night. Then there are the younger groups youth groups etc, or the older end
silver lining lunch club.

That means as a single you either have to volunteer to help with these groups if you want to
fit in, or you learn to become a Holy joe and go to all the bible pray groups. .

I was part of one of the all encompassing groups when I was in the worship team. But
there are not many all encompassing interactive social groups in churches.

Then there are the toilet cleaning jobs, flower arranging and baby sitting roles!
I suppose someone has to do them it usually falls to singles or the retired. lol

 

[zeroturbulence]

There are a couple arguments for marriage bringing more responsibility...

For one thing, in most cases the couple's finances becomes "community property", meaning it belongs to both of them, so everything you buy can be under scrutiny by your spouse. That means no more $500 shoe store shopping sprees at the mall, or not buying a shiny new $1200 set of wheels for your truck...

Then there's decision-making. Every decision needs to be approved by the spouse... what you're having for dinner, who's turn is it to take out the trash, what you'll be watching on tv (the big game or her favorite show)... who's not pitching in enough around the house.. who's spending too much money on this or that.. who's never home and needs to spend more time together.. etc..

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I have a friend who likes to compare herself with others. I don't think that is a sign of maturity that married people should show. She thinks that I envy her life because she is married with three kids. She thinks she is more blessed than I am. In my mind, maybe by worldly standards you think you are more blessed but my standards are higher.

 

[wisebeardman]

There are a couple arguments for marriage bringing more responsibility...

For one thing, in most cases the couple's finances becomes "community property", meaning it belongs to both of them, so everything you buy can be under scrutiny by your spouse. That means no more $500 shoe store shopping sprees at the mall, or not buying a shiny new $1200 set of wheels for your truck...

Then there's decision-making. Every decision needs to be approved by the spouse... what you're having for dinner, who's turn is it to take out the trash, what you'll be watching on tv (the big game or her favorite show)... who's not pitching in enough around the house.. who's spending too much money on this or that.. who's never home and needs to spend more time together.. etc..

my stuff is my stuff period. and I for sure am not going to sign a government paper that will allow her to cheat in the marriage and be able to take all my stuff in divorce due to the biased courts.

 

[Stuey]

I wonder if this is harder for girls than guys. Mind you, I am only 27 - I have a feeling that if I am going to be feeling this, it will be in the next 10 years or so.

Personally - other people have not really made me feel this way - though I think in my head I perhaps sometimes feel less mature because of it.

I do also think marriage may force maturity on people somewhat (or at least force people into situations where they should mature - even if they don't).

 

[DCrawshawJr]

I have a friend who likes to compare herself with others. I don't think that is a sign of maturity that married people should show. She thinks that I envy her life because she is married with three kids. She thinks she is more blessed than I am. In my mind, maybe by worldly standards you think you are more blessed but my standards are higher.

If anyone ever tries to compare themselves to others, just think of the exceeding happiness of the Addams Family. (I'm serious.)

 

[DCrawshawJr]

Of course, mind you, it's their dedication and "not give a care what anyone else thinks" that is worthy of emulation, not exactly their type of lifestyle.