Is there meaning to marriage without physical attraction/desire?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

Yeraza_Bats

Senior Member
Dec 11, 2014
3,632
175
63
35
#1
Alright, Im gonna totally open up and get personal about myself here, cuz this is something that I think about alot and would like some guidance on. And of course I would want the help of other Christians : p

But yeah, so uhh... the desire to have physical relations isnt really something I deal with. I mean, its like Im like "ew, yuck!" or anything. But I just dont have those kinda feelings. And I think about that alot, and what the Bible says about marriage and physical relations, and I wonder like... is there a reason for me to be married? Or also like, would anyone feel comfortable being married to someone who feels that way (Im talking Biblical marriage of course).

I get that marriage is more than just relations, and that its about companionship and other junk. And thats my biggest motivation, of course : p Id really like to find that best friend who wants to stick with each other until death. That is very much a desire I feel : p

But, you know, Id like to hear others thoughts. Like, put yourself in that situation, the idea of marrying someone who didnt have those feelings. How do you feel about it? What are your thoughts? Do you believe its even right? Id like to hear whatever it is you think about it : p
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#2
The only way I'd consider getting married again is if it was with a woman who had the same feelings about physical intimacy as I do - meaning it's never going to happen nor be a part of our relationship. With no desire to have children and (thankfully), no capability, there is in my way of thinking, no reason whatsoever to have "relations". *shrugs* kind of a topic that I've given quite a bit of time to consider over the years while acting in ways contrary to my thinking, and a topic that still makes me uncomfortable as I continue to learn and grow.

...thought provoking. Good. I thought this Monday was going to be a bust.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,600
4,272
113
#3
I think almost all relationships start with physical attraction, then they want to find out more about each other which leads to them becoming freinds, etc... I think its rare that a relationship starts or even proliferates without any physical attraction at all.... BUT, I've been unattracted to someone at first, but after getting to know the person I became very attracted to them and even found myself physically atttracted even though at first I felt zero physical attraction to them... weird huh? It just go to show that physical attraction isn't always all or nothing... :rolleyes:
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
Well the difficulty in your concept is that it's possible you may feel differently when you meet someone you as t to marry. Not having a problem with not while single doesn't mean that it can't be sparked by the right person.
If it doesn't change there are women who may feel the same way and be compatible. All kinds of people out there, as you are one example.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#5
Personally, I would never marry a man with that attitude. The idea of being in a marriage without God-given sexual intimacy and raising children is unthinkable to me now, when I have no one particular that I am thinking of as a husband. Like Ugly said, things could change when you have someone specific...or they could not.

There are a lot of women out there, and everyone is different. Yes, I'm sure there are some who that would not be a problem with. And, if you're meant to be married, God has it worked out. If not, Paul leads us to understand that singleness is pretty darn special :).

I don't think the Bible really says one way or another; of course, most of the time marriages involve sex so that is mentioned, and the command is given to be fruitful and multiply. However, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we given an example of King David in a sexless martial relationship in his later years?
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#6
I think almost all relationships start with physical attraction, then they want to find out more about each other which leads to them becoming freinds, etc... I think its rare that a relationship starts or even proliferates without any physical attraction at all.... BUT, I've been unattracted to someone at first, but after getting to know the person I became very attracted to them and even found myself physically atttracted even though at first I felt zero physical attraction to them... weird huh? It just go to show that physical attraction isn't always all or nothing... :rolleyes:
That's a very interesting example. I can't wrap my mind around an attraction growing over time. It's outside my realm of experiences. Having never been physically attracted to anyone (yes, I'm serious and you're probably confused as to HOW I got married...twice...just go with it), it's interesting to me to hear that an attraction developed where one did not exist previously.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#7
That's a very interesting example. I can't wrap my mind around an attraction growing over time. It's outside my realm of experiences. Having never been physically attracted to anyone (yes, I'm serious and you're probably confused as to HOW I got married...twice...just go with it), it's interesting to me to hear that an attraction developed where one did not exist previously.
I've definitely experienced that as well. I think, that when you love someone and enjoy their company (doesn't have to be in a romantic way) you are apt to think them good-looking. So, even if by society's standards they are not attractive and you did not find them so when you met them, physical attraction can spring from a liking for their character...if that makes sense??
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,482
16,385
113
69
Tennessee
#8
Without physical attraction and desire, in other word chemistry, such a marriage would be seriously lacking. Of course, you could have strictly a relationship living together as friends (male and female) and sharing the expenses but one or the other may develop certain feelings and passions and such an arrangement may become problematic.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,480
2,546
113
#9
Alright, Im gonna totally open up and get personal about myself here, cuz this is something that I think about alot and would like some guidance on. And of course I would want the help of other Christians : p

But yeah, so uhh... the desire to have physical relations isnt really something I deal with. I mean, its like Im like "ew, yuck!" or anything. But I just dont have those kinda feelings. And I think about that alot, and what the Bible says about marriage and physical relations, and I wonder like... is there a reason for me to be married? Or also like, would anyone feel comfortable being married to someone who feels that way (Im talking Biblical marriage of course).

I get that marriage is more than just relations, and that its about companionship and other junk. And thats my biggest motivation, of course : p Id really like to find that best friend who wants to stick with each other until death. That is very much a desire I feel : p

But, you know, Id like to hear others thoughts. Like, put yourself in that situation, the idea of marrying someone who didnt have those feelings. How do you feel about it? What are your thoughts? Do you believe its even right? Id like to hear whatever it is you think about it : p
1. I think we have a lot of liberty in Christ to be unique individuals, as long as we aren't dishonoring God in the process.

2. As Ugly mentioned, when you meet the right person you may suddenly feel differently.

3. As Ugly also mentioned, if your physical feelings never change, well... there's probably still someone out there for you... someone who's just as weird as you are, lol.




* Ultimately, we have much liberty in Christ to be unique and different individuals.

* God didn't create you to be like everyone else; he created you to be conformed to the image of Christ in your heart and mind... a "you" that matures spiritually in his walk with God.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#10
Physical attraction is not a must. If you see the statistics om divorce in arranged marriage they are lower than those based on free love and free choice. You can say that they grow into loving eachother, but a western marriage fall apart when you grow out of love. To lose my head in physical attraction was the reason why I got married. I saw the signs. I shouldn't have married him. But. Because I gave in to that attraction I lost my brains....Not that I advocate arranged marriage, but if I get married again, the flesh will not have the final saying on the matter.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#11
I think the question should be: How do I serve the Lord the most? As a single or in a marriage?
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#12
I've definitely experienced that as well. I think, that when you love someone and enjoy their company (doesn't have to be in a romantic way) you are apt to think them good-looking. So, even if by society's standards they are not attractive and you did not find them so when you met them, physical attraction can spring from a liking for their character...if that makes sense??
Yes, I suppose that makes sense. You are much wiser on matters of the human heart than I am.
 
J

joefizz

Guest
#14
lol ever heard the saying"looks aren't everything" "real" relationships shouldn't be about stuff like whoa that person is hot,because you can end up with an insensitivity ego maniac,as far as desires,yeah you may not sexually be attracted to someone or even think their looks are average or worse,but Hello "do you remember til death do you part" those aren't idle words whom you choose as a spouse in my view shouldn't be about if their the most popular or good looking person,but rather that you feel drawn to each other,as to the friends part for life deal,of course that's possible even when married because you will be friends even as lovers nothing changes with marriage so dramatically as people think except that you become as one as in you care for spouse and your spouse cares for you,as well as that you understand each other as if you were them,thinking what would they do in situations,instead of just what would I do,Marriage is the key to connecting with someone far more than you would as a mere friend or lover,think of it as a door,once opened true you can't go back but then millions of doors open unlocked so you can know more about your spouse,too many people aren't aware of this because their heart wasn't in getting married so they don't accept the gift of learning what there is to know and love about their spouse,pitifully sad really,so don't be afraid to get married just because you aren't quite feeling much for them,all that means is that you haven't got to know them enough to think on if you like them intimately,which of course isn't just simple physical attraction but intelligence attraction as well,I mean come on even with adam and eve,God didn't tell them that they had to start being attracted to each other,it just happened over time,the bible says that God made Eve as a "companion" as in a friend it was their choice,just as it is your choice to be more,just like if you were to even wait til you were 100 to get married God has no problem with that,there is a time for everything,I'm not saying you have to do anything I'm just stating the "grand" benefit of getting married,basically no more guessing about eachother after marriage,as friends you have to guess about their feelings or if their comfortable just being friends,because living with someone of the opposite gender for life will undoubtedly get one of you to want to be more or lead to one of you leaving and being hurt emotionally,besides why would you want someone to live with you for life if you don't have feelings for them,sounds like you are in denial or your trying to keep from any commitments or responsibilities with all the aspects of being a permanent hermit,because you can't see yourself caring for someone else.
 
W

Wild

Guest
#15
physical attraction is very key man, you're going to spend the rest of your life with that person, she better look good . but yeah that other stuff emotional stuff is good too
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,389
2,390
113
#16
If we answer the question "no, there's no meaning to marriage without physical attraction", does that mean we're implying the converse that the main meaning and point to marriage is the physical attraction and sex?
 

rachelsedge

Senior Member
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
79
48
34
#17
That's a very interesting example. I can't wrap my mind around an attraction growing over time. It's outside my realm of experiences. Having never been physically attracted to anyone (yes, I'm serious and you're probably confused as to HOW I got married...twice...just go with it), it's interesting to me to hear that an attraction developed where one did not exist previously.
I've even had the opposite happen. In college, there was a guy that I thought was just FIIIINE. Then I got to know him more, and it's not that he was a jerk, I just....he was kind of boring and unintelligent, and I lost all attraction to him and didn't even find him physically appealing anymore.

If we answer the question "no, there's no meaning to marriage without physical attraction", does that mean we're implying the converse that the main meaning and point to marriage is the physical attraction and sex?
I don't think it can be so black and white, is the thing. There's meaning outside of physical attraction and sex - down the road, when desires and looks change, you have to be okay with the actual soul/person you're with. It's also about what you want. Me, personally, I couldn't enter a relationship knowing the other person didn't want me in that way at any point, or didn't want that in general for life, because it is something I want. But, someone else might be okay with it (as we've seen from various posters above who have different feelings).

My friends and I had a discussion about this one time, and I'm not sure what conclusion we came to. Some said that without sex and/or physical attraction, a marriage is just a deep friendship. Shared physical attraction and sex are kind of special to the marital relationship, so their thought process was that you wouldn't even have to be married for that, then.

I also don't think that the "Be fruitful and multiply" verse applies to every married person, but I suppose that's another discussion. :rolleyes:
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#18
Every one have different needs. I'm not sure but for most women emotional connection overrides physical connection. While most men physical connection overrides emotional connection. That is why divorce is common because the husband and wife don't meet the needs of each other anymore.
 
Dec 17, 2013
822
7
0
#19
Why don't you just get a best friend of the opposite sex?

That sounds like what you are looking for, I imagine the same time and effort apply.

There are people that are physically handicapped that do what you are talking about but we'll....they are physically handicapped so they don't have a choice.

Physical relations is supposed to be part of marriage because it's part of intimacy.

Or how about a virtual marriage on the net it's pretty much the same thing.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#20
Physical attraction is not a must. If you see the statistics om divorce in arranged marriage they are lower than those based on free love and free choice. You can say that they grow into loving eachother, but a western marriage fall apart when you grow out of love. To lose my head in physical attraction was the reason why I got married. I saw the signs. I shouldn't have married him. But. Because I gave in to that attraction I lost my brains....Not that I advocate arranged marriage, but if I get married again, the flesh will not have the final saying on the matter.
I disagree. I feel physical attraction is a must. I could not be involved with someone I don't find physically attractive. It may be less important as time goes on, but initially it needs to be there. There is nothing more spiritual about ignoring ones looks in the name if romance. Also I would not want to be with someone that did not find me physically attractive.

Funny thing is all these "looks don't matter" people always end up with nice looking partners. Hmm...

Also the question should not be anything else. This is HIS life, his thoughts, his wonders and his concerns. To dismiss them by using some Jesus juke doesn't make his questions invalid. That is simply the Christian version of being politically correct, or as I like to call it religiously correct.