Is This a Red Flag??
- Thread starter HopeinHim98
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You should definitely ask him directly, open communication in crucial to the success of any relationship. No, 'here's what you should think of this' stuff. So, it would go something like this, "It's concerning, I mean, the pic of you exes do disconcert me a bit, to be truthful...but I don't want to rush to judgment so I fibbed that it didn't really bother me.... why have you kept those pics, exactly?" Although this might trigger a defensive posture, you only wish to confirm your hope that maybe, "I'm just lazy about that kind of thing,' or 'they remind me that I am, indeed, date material, and here's proof..." or your fear that you will become Miss April in his calendar.
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I think it might've been Soren Kierkegaard that once said that if God required only one thing from us, He requires honesty. And we should hope for at least that in our own relationships. Even if he admitted the worst of reasons for keeping the pics, he'd get double points for honesty, in my book.
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very simple. if the pics were of her, nude, that's wrong. the guy you were getting to know sounds like it was NOT a steady relationship, is that true? if it was steady, no girl or guy is going to immediately delete pics as soon as the agreement is made to go steady. if it wasn't steady & the pics were all clothed of her, nothing wrong there. keeping pics of happy memories is a joy. to each, his or her own on memoirs. although "checking & investigating" one another is at an all time high concerning dating these days, & it should be, from what you posted, there isn't anything wrong.
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Hi miss Hope! Very interesting thread and very interesting responses! 😎👍
Given the context of what you said in the above quote, my first impression is that he brought it up to guage your reaction. The "unofficial" stage of a relationship can be confusing because there are feelings present but you might not know how strong the other persons feelings are, where the friendship might be headed, etc.
He might have been trying to figure out if you'd react in a jealous/possessive way. Perhaps he would see that behavior as a red flag himself. Or, maybe he's drawn to posessive girls and was hoping to see that in you. Perhaps it was all for his own personal ego-building. I do not know. But it does sound like he brought it up intentionally.
For me personally (and it looks like I'm in the vast minority here lol 😅), given that your relationship was in its infancy, I would not see the pictures themselves as red flags (unless they were racy/suggestive). It might still bother me to see them (especially if some of the girls were prettier than I am, just being honest lol 😝), but I think I would consider that a "me" problem rather than a "him" problem. My concern would be more for his reason/intentions in bringing it up.
If the relationship were to progress to something more serious (like talking about marriage), I might feel differently about ex pics at that point.
I am a good bit older than you are, and I realize that romantic histories are pretty much a given at my age. I wouldn't want a guy to try to forget the ladies of his past, but rather to remember anything good he may have gotten from them. If holding on to old photos helped him with that then I think I'd be all for it. 🤷♀️
But keep in mind, I'm kind of weird and clearly in the minority here, so take all that with a grain of salt! 🤓
Given the context of what you said in the above quote, my first impression is that he brought it up to guage your reaction. The "unofficial" stage of a relationship can be confusing because there are feelings present but you might not know how strong the other persons feelings are, where the friendship might be headed, etc.
He might have been trying to figure out if you'd react in a jealous/possessive way. Perhaps he would see that behavior as a red flag himself. Or, maybe he's drawn to posessive girls and was hoping to see that in you. Perhaps it was all for his own personal ego-building. I do not know. But it does sound like he brought it up intentionally.
For me personally (and it looks like I'm in the vast minority here lol 😅), given that your relationship was in its infancy, I would not see the pictures themselves as red flags (unless they were racy/suggestive). It might still bother me to see them (especially if some of the girls were prettier than I am, just being honest lol 😝), but I think I would consider that a "me" problem rather than a "him" problem. My concern would be more for his reason/intentions in bringing it up.
If the relationship were to progress to something more serious (like talking about marriage), I might feel differently about ex pics at that point.
I am a good bit older than you are, and I realize that romantic histories are pretty much a given at my age. I wouldn't want a guy to try to forget the ladies of his past, but rather to remember anything good he may have gotten from them. If holding on to old photos helped him with that then I think I'd be all for it. 🤷♀️
But keep in mind, I'm kind of weird and clearly in the minority here, so take all that with a grain of salt! 🤓
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I'm sure it was nothing inappropriate like that. And yes you're correct it was not a steady dating relationship, we were just getting to know each other.
I wouldn't have expected him to immediately delete any photos of exes I don't think... it actually wasn't a big deal to me until my sister adamantly stated it was a red flag.
I wouldn't have expected him to immediately delete any photos of exes I don't think... it actually wasn't a big deal to me until my sister adamantly stated it was a red flag.
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I definitely see your point! I took it that he was trying to be sensitive to my feelings when he brought it up...
Something I asked him was if all his 9 breakups were him or them. He said it was him, because when it came to a certain point he couldn't trust people. But he said God had since worked in his heart and he felt like he wouldn't struggle as much in that area.
Something I asked him was if all his 9 breakups were him or them. He said it was him, because when it came to a certain point he couldn't trust people. But he said God had since worked in his heart and he felt like he wouldn't struggle as much in that area.
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The guy obviously has feelings still for his ex. He's not ready to commit to a new relationship, regardless of what he may say.
If you enjoy his company and aren't looking for a commitment at present, nothing wrong with becoming friends, but if you believe he is over his past relationship, you are sadly mistaken.
If you enjoy his company and aren't looking for a commitment at present, nothing wrong with becoming friends, but if you believe he is over his past relationship, you are sadly mistaken.
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Hmm... I don't why he'd want you to look through his all his pics in general, not even mentioning something specific, like, "you should checkout some of the nature vistas I captured" or whatever... and then to throw in about the exes.
I kind of agree with Snackermom that he was likely trying to read your reaction to it, or trying to make you think or feel a certain way. What that would be, I couldn't tell ya. Snackermom covered some of the usual suspects. It could even had been a quick joke to make you laugh... you'd probably have seen it in his expression.
If he was serious, maybe he wanted you to think he has lots of suiters to try to get you to want him more and compete for him. I would consider that creepy, manipulative and insulting. Or maybe he wanted to see if you were the jealous and possessive type because he was traumatized by it in the past. Or it could be a reason we'd never think up. You should ask and tell us what he says.
I kind of agree with Snackermom that he was likely trying to read your reaction to it, or trying to make you think or feel a certain way. What that would be, I couldn't tell ya. Snackermom covered some of the usual suspects. It could even had been a quick joke to make you laugh... you'd probably have seen it in his expression.
If he was serious, maybe he wanted you to think he has lots of suiters to try to get you to want him more and compete for him. I would consider that creepy, manipulative and insulting. Or maybe he wanted to see if you were the jealous and possessive type because he was traumatized by it in the past. Or it could be a reason we'd never think up. You should ask and tell us what he says.
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It's usually not what you think.
He doesn't actually care about former girlfriends like he cares about you at the moment. But for whatever reason he is believing that your relationship will end because he believes he will fail for some unknown reason (like he has in the past). And pictures of you can be added to the others.
For some guys it's a badge of accomplishments....especially when they feel like they have not accomplished anything. Its a form of self soothing.
However there is a caution with this sort of self soothing....it can turn into the "thrill of the hunt" to where later he is flirting with other women. He likely isn't doing it now. But later when he is feeling too secure in your relationship he might do the flirting and possibly cheating.
He doesn't actually care about former girlfriends like he cares about you at the moment. But for whatever reason he is believing that your relationship will end because he believes he will fail for some unknown reason (like he has in the past). And pictures of you can be added to the others.
For some guys it's a badge of accomplishments....especially when they feel like they have not accomplished anything. Its a form of self soothing.
However there is a caution with this sort of self soothing....it can turn into the "thrill of the hunt" to where later he is flirting with other women. He likely isn't doing it now. But later when he is feeling too secure in your relationship he might do the flirting and possibly cheating.
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9 different breakups characterised by the same trust issues would've been enough for me to pull the plug on any potential date. Nothing worse than entering a relationship with a repeating sentence which already murdered its full stop.
I would be dubious about anyone who kept a compendium of their exes photos. I fed the digital album of my last girlfriend to a file shredder, to eliminate any prospect that I might try and forensically exhume her photos from my storage drive in a moment of stupidity.
And showing friends a photo of an ex would be like trying to recap the ruins of a past victory.
I would be dubious about anyone who kept a compendium of their exes photos. I fed the digital album of my last girlfriend to a file shredder, to eliminate any prospect that I might try and forensically exhume her photos from my storage drive in a moment of stupidity.
And showing friends a photo of an ex would be like trying to recap the ruins of a past victory.
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