Marriage Skills Discussion

[Olerica]

A woman gets the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

BARF. Really? Do you actually believe that?

(Apologies if you actually believe that. I really hope that you were attempting to be humorous.)

 

[Rosesrock]

okay, i think you might be missing the value of the discussion. you're viewing this as extraneous to doing what you say, which is focusing on the Lord. these are not divergent points, at least not in my mind.

as a woman married 23 years, i would love to read what "focusing on the Lord always" looks like to you. i've never been married, but i've read more books, articles, and focused bible studies on the subject. that still doesn't replace practical experience.

see, i think we love to talk in principle and abstract as Christians, lacking the recognition that we often don't know what that granular detail looks like. a great number of men and women don't grow up in christian homes, and yet, there are generations of folks who will choose to be married (in spite of repeated warnings of peril from those who are less enthusiastic about the concept).

at church, in the bible studies, every where we look, folks are are imploring believers to do what God asks us. but in general God gives us guiding principle as well. so we are left to examine our actions and determine how to accomplish this.

there are many verses that speak to the older women teaching the younger, that we bear each others' burdens, and many more than tell us the christian walk isn't designed to go it alone, solitary at our computer, and lacking the input and value of others who are walking with us. we cannot do this alone.

i can't tell you how tired i get of people telling me (here on cc or church, elsewhere) to simply
lean on God" while i ponder what that means, to me, to you, to any of us. it's kind of fascinating to me.

and people who broach at things they don't understand, calling them unnecessary. i look at that and wonder, "why would something that has been so widely proven and used as an effective tool to help us love one another better" be deemed unnecessary?

it's like in our desire to be godly no one wants to be on the hook for something specific or practical. perhaps the safety of "lean on God" is what we would prefer. but it doesn't help our brothers and sisters as much as the specific help AND the principle behind it as well. : )

p.s. i apologize if it sounds like i'm picking on you. i'm really not. but we can't accomplish God's purposes alone. : )

That's my whole point and no offense taken. LOL We can't accomplish any without him. Exactly. God is the center. I really didn't read all the posts so sorry if I interrupted a convo that was off OP.And I'm so sorry I'm not good and the whole multi quote thingy. LOL but my bottom line is I could list every situation we have been through together and it would totally all go back to swallow all pride and praying together. LOL

and now understanding i think a little more.....
I'm a talker, He's not
I'm a control freak
He let's me be
We've evolved and grown through struggles, trials, deaths, children and other factors that we both have changed throughout our marriage, so yeah. still....bottom line....we always come back to God. I've posted before. I don't love my hub everyday. But I'm committed to God.

sorry if I've misunderstood anything. LOL

 

[mailmandan]

BARF. Really? Do you actually believe that?

(Apologies if you actually believe that. I really hope that you were attempting to be humorous.)

LOL! I was being humorous, but there is also some truth in that, at least with my wife.

 

[Olerica]

LOL! I was being humorous, but there is also some truth in that, at least with my wife.

Yikes. Man, I'm sorry that's the case, mailmandan.

 

[Rosesrock]

it's like in our desire to be godly no one wants to be on the hook for something specific or practical. perhaps the safety of "lean on God" is what we would prefer. but it doesn't help our brothers and sisters as much as the specific help AND the principle behind it as well. : )

p.s. i apologize if it sounds like i'm picking on you. i'm really not. but we can't accomplish God's purposes alone. : )

And....if you have a specific question for something specific or practical, I'd be glad to share my personal experience that would have led back to Christ...LOL Please put me on the hook. ROFL

 

[slave]

If everything we do is reconciling people to God and done in love we never have the cycle of listening stop. In Mailmandans response, for instance, I see every word spoken as an opportunity for God's message to come to light. So, I am in his shoes to draw himont regardless of bone-headed the conclusion of the statement was. So, I would say back to him, what's been your specific history with women that you would say that? Always a open-door statement, and always an open heart to asking it. I personally would share my testimony a bit because I have experienced that too, but not concluded that so I would share my common ground and move to getting closer to understanding his concerns and road blocks if there are any to eventually ending at the Word of God. And God's perspective. We as Christians need not defend God. He will defend Himself, we need to love people to open the door for God to step in, relying also on the Holy Spirits work to be done in the other. Demanding apologies, only puts a wedge there. Remember, every word spoken has an effect...building...or tearing down...always build to a point where they then are willing to here your different point of view. This is called exhorting. The very definition means where a person is not in agreement yet you reconcile them to agree thru nurturing them there. The work ethic of having to be patient is more costly, but God will refill the bucket later.

Now in what you said I heard BARF kiddingly but what you are saying is you have a more positive opinion on the interaction of men and women. He may have been joking but you would find that out one way or the other if we just invite, invest, learn about the other never shutting the communication line down....never.

I happen to agree with you Olerica but changing Mailmandan comes from respect and investment shown. You show a man praise instead of expectation He will work his tail off for you. In the same way you mentioned men doing what the women needs to respond in kind to his needs, as a response. When a woman appreciates us, and needs us, we in kind also do the dishes instead of bring a rose if this is the love language of the women in question.

Reconciliation with a love engine is much more powerful. This is my point.

 

[Rosesrock]

LOL! I was being humorous, but there is also some truth in that, at least with my wife.

I will apologize for the both of us. I tend to do the same. I want the last word and you better not say anything....cause anything you say can/will be used against you in a court of law. Ugh PRIDE. CONTROL FREAK....yeah that's me sometimes.

 

[Rosesrock]

Yes Dear, this is what we're talking about here. Skills in learning to learn your partner. On the last point in your post, I agree and disagree. If we're not hearing our spouse, it's very difficult for us to submit to God TOGETHER. A marriage can do two things: Draw us towards a deeper relationship with God together, or distract us from the same. Marriage conflict is a factor in questioning God's goodness.

Ok now I'm trackin ya. But we seek ye first the kingdom of God......If we have the relationship we're supposed to with Christ, then you'll hear your spouse all over the place....God then Spouse, not spouse then God.
Start proactive...
But I think I understand your point. If we're fighting or heavily discussing, and if I don't listen or put a wall up then my wall is up to God too.

 

[slave]

If everything we do is reconciling people to God and done in love we never have the cycle of listening stop. In Mailmandans response, for instance, I see every word spoken as an opportunity for God's message to come to light. So, I am in his shoes to draw himont regardless of bone-headed the conclusion of the statement was. So, I would say back to him, what's been your specific history with women that you would say that? Always a open-door statement, and always an open heart to asking it. I personally would share my testimony a bit because I have experienced that too, but not concluded that so I would share my common ground and move to getting closer to understanding his concerns and road blocks if there are any to eventually ending at the Word of God. And God's perspective. We as Christians need not defend God. He will defend Himself, we need to love people to open the door for God to step in, relying also on the Holy Spirits work to be done in the other. Demanding apologies, only puts a wedge there. Remember, every word spoken has an effect...building...or tearing down...always build to a point where they then are willing to here your different point of view. This is called exhorting. The very definition means where a person is not in agreement yet you reconcile them to agree thru nurturing them there. The work ethic of having to be patient is more costly, but God will refill the bucket later.

Now in what you said I heard BARF kiddingly but what you are saying is you have a more positive opinion on the interaction of men and women. He may have been joking but you would find that out one way or the other if we just invite, invest, learn about the other never shutting the communication line down....never.

I happen to agree with you Olerica but changing Mailmandan comes from respect and investment shown. You show a man praise instead of expectation He will work his tail off for you. In the same way you mentioned men doing what the women needs to respond in kind to his needs, as a response. When a woman appreciates us, and needs us, we in kind also do the dishes instead of bring a rose if this is the love language of the women in question.

Reconciliation with a love engine is much more powerful. This is my point.

sorry I was half cooking while doing this messed up words.....

 

[Olerica]

If everything we do is reconciling people to God and done in love we never have the cycle of listening stop. In Mailmandans response, for instance, I see every word spoken as an opportunity for God's message to come to light. So, I am in his shoes to draw himont regardless of bone-headed the conclusion of the statement was. So, I would say back to him, what's been your specific history with women that you would say that? Always a open-door statement, and always an open heart to asking it. I personally would share my testimony a bit because I have experienced that too, but not concluded that so I would share my common ground and move to getting closer to understanding his concerns and road blocks if there are any to eventually ending at the Word of God. And God's perspective. We as Christians need not defend God. He will defend Himself, we need to love people to open the door for God to step in, relying also on the Holy Spirits work to be done in the other. Demanding apologies, only puts a wedge there. Remember, every word spoken has an effect...building...or tearing down...always build to a point where they then are willing to here your different point of view. This is called exhorting. The very definition means where a person is not in agreement yet you reconcile them to agree thru nurturing them there. The work ethic of having to be patient is more costly, but God will refill the bucket later.

Now in what you said I heard BARF kiddingly but what you are saying is you have a more positive opinion on the interaction of men and women. He may have been joking but you would find that out one way or the other if we just invite, invest, learn about the other never shutting the communication line down....never.

I happen to agree with you Olerica but changing Mailmandan comes from respect and investment shown. You show a man praise instead of expectation He will work his tail off for you. In the same way you mentioned men doing what the women needs to respond in kind to his needs, as a response. When a woman appreciates us, and needs us, we in kind also do the dishes instead of bring a rose if this is the love language of the women in question.

Reconciliation with a love engine is much more powerful. This is my point.

Slave, God bless you for your gentleness to me here. Thank you. You are right and I'll heed the correction and respond more thoughtfully now:

LOL! I was being humorous, but there is also some truth in that, at least with my wife.

MailManDan, It truly breaks my heart to hear you say that this is your experience. I know it's a response that many men hear from women - that women will bring a past grief to the table when discussing/arguing about another.

Perhaps I can give you an insight that may lead to a more helpful discussion. Are you aware that a woman will do that when they feel that their past argument and frustration is not validated?

Often times, from what I've observed and one of the issues that my late husband and I worked through early in our marriage was that he'd be finished discussing and talking about the problem before I was, and he'd shut down instead of taking the extra time to let me get all of it out and be heard by him.

As it was early in our relationship, once we took the time and discussed the 'beefs' I had with him, as well as his problems with me (not all at once, we tried to deal with one topic at a time so we wouldn't get frustrated, angry, feel guilty or threatened)... because that older stuff was resolved, we could go on. We made an agreement to not bring up the past unless we were seeing a pattern that needed to be addressed.

Now, I don't know how long it's been that you've been married. Any more than a very few years, I might enlist a Christian counselor to help mediate and help you learn to hear each other and to work through issues so that discussions (arguments) are constructive and not HER WINNING and you being told you are wrong all the time... because Dear Brother, that way does not lead to happiness.

Please forgive me for my frustration over your initial comment. I really want this to be a thoughtful conversation and the comment read as mocking to me. I'm very, very far from perfect and sometimes loose my head.

 

[mailmandan]

Yikes. Man, I'm sorry that's the case, mailmandan.

The first lesson that I learned after getting married is: When my wife comes home after having a bad day at work and she tells me about everything that went wrong that day - DON'T TRY TO FIX ANYTHING. Just listen to her and console her.

 

[Rosesrock]

Slave, God bless you for your gentleness to me here. Thank you. You are right and I'll heed the correction and respond more thoughtfully now:


MailManDan, It truly breaks my heart to hear you say that this is your experience. I know it's a response that many men hear from women - that women will bring a past grief to the table when discussing/arguing about another.

Perhaps I can give you an insight that may lead to a more helpful discussion. Are you aware that a woman will do that when they feel that their past argument and frustration is not validated?

Often times, from what I've observed and one of the issues that my late husband and I worked through early in our marriage was that he'd be finished discussing and talking about the problem before I was, and he'd shut down instead of taking the extra time to let me get all of it out and be heard by him.

As it was early in our relationship, once we took the time and discussed the 'beefs' I had with him, as well as his problems with me (not all at once, we tried to deal with one topic at a time so we wouldn't get frustrated, angry, feel guilty or threatened)... because that older stuff was resolved, we could go on. We made an agreement to not bring up the past unless we were seeing a pattern that needed to be addressed.

Now, I don't know how long it's been that you've been married. Any more than a very few years, I might enlist a Christian counselor to help mediate and help you learn to hear each other and to work through issues so that discussions (arguments) are constructive and not HER WINNING and you being told you are wrong all the time... because Dear Brother, that way does not lead to happiness.

Please forgive me for my frustration over your initial comment. I really want this to be a thoughtful conversation and the comment read as mocking to me. I'm very, very far from perfect and sometimes loose my head.

I don't think you lost your head. At all, It's a common reaction when one doesn't have that weakness.
Oh I would NEVER do that or ugh, OMG you're married to that. Those were my reactions. LOL

I guess when dealing with people and conversations on the internet words are just well.....words until you know where the words are really coming from.
That to say also, As control freaky as I am, My husband is the most kind, loving and "Rose, shut up" most wonderful dude ever.
In all honesty, I think He's shortcoming are where my pieces fit and Mine are where he fits. and the frame is Christ.

 

[Dino246]

axe of service

There's a sermon in that typo...lovely!

My two cents: clarity in communication. Don't roll with your assumptions, check them out. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Be clear on expectations, desires, foibles, fears and dislikes. And don't criticize your partner, especially in public.

Okay, maybe that's only a penny's worth. My top language (to receive) is words of affirmation.

Blessings,
Dino

 

[Mitspa]

The first lesson that I learned after getting married is: When my wife comes home after having a bad day at work and she tells me about everything that went wrong that day - DON'T TRY TO FIX ANYTHING. Just listen to her and console her.

Wow your smart! I ask my brother the other day "how he was doing?" and he said "wait, he had to go ask his wife"...

 

[Rosesrock]

Wow your smart! I ask my brother the other day "how he was doing?" and he said "wait, he had to go ask his wife"...

She texted and said he was fine

 

[cmarieh]

The first lesson that I learned after getting married is: When my wife comes home after having a bad day at work and she tells me about everything that went wrong that day - DON'T TRY TO FIX ANYTHING. Just listen to her and console her.

And don't forget to get her some chocolate covered strawberries...............................Oh wait that's just me. Lol
But give her some chocolate should work just as well

 

[Rosesrock]

There's a sermon in that typo...lovely!

My two cents: clarity in communication. Don't roll with your assumptions, check them out. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Be clear on expectations, desires, foibles, fears and dislikes. And don't criticize your partner, especially in public.

Okay, maybe that's only a penny's worth. My top language (to receive) is words of affirmation.

Blessings,
Dino

sigh, preach.

Mine is talk talk and more talk.

His is affirmation. I took him starbucks to work the other day and said....thank you for caring about our home so much that you would work a 10 hours banking job with people that give you a headache, in an economy that is horrible, and mow grass in 97 degree heat. That my friends is a man that loves his family, whether or not I get my talk in or not.

 

[Olerica]

sigh, preach.

Mine is talk talk and more talk.

His is affirmation. I took him starbucks to work the other day and said....thank you for caring about our home so much that you would work a 10 hours banking job with people that give you a headache, in an economy that is horrible, and mow grass in 97 degree heat. That my friends is a man that loves his family, whether or not I get my talk in or not.

Isn't it just fun to please your spouse in the language he hears?

(Someday again, please God... someday again)

 

[melita916]

my love language is quality time.

aaaaaaaaand idk what else to say lol

 

[slave]

"When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemy [wife?] to be at peace with him." Proverbs 16:7. [Slightly abridged].

"Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place for wrath- for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. Therefore if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will leap coals of fire on his head." Romans 12:17-20 [NKJV].

-NOT-

"Therefore, if while mad at your husband, he happens to be hungry, look upon it as opportunity to have the Holy Spirit pay him back, feed him your famous meatloaf, for in doing so you will allow room for God to terrorize his loins with your faithful and unrelenting wrath." [Still looking ???].

"....and the greatest of these is love....." [ For the slight of humor, this was a joke.] .