Met a guy online....need advice

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Jul 29, 2018
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#1
I met a sweet guy who I really like. We met on a Christian dating site. At first I have to admit I wasn't into him. He's not the type of guy I would date/ see myself with. But I wanted to give him/us a chance. We haven't been on a first date yet
We've been chatting. I notice things about him when we chat. The conversation tends to go in a more sexual direction. I fell for it a couple of times. I got pulled in and felt so convicted within. But he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I see this as a red flag. Maybe I shouldn't pursue a relationship with him. Plus he's into a lot of things that as Christians, I don't think we should do. Like yoga. He doesn't go to church often. He seems to be more into putting himself first (jogging, hiking on a Sunday morning when he should be in church worshipping the Lord). I told him how I felt today about it and he totally brushed me off. He keeps saying he is a Christian. But if we don't see the fruit being produced. He admitted he doesn't read the bible as much. I don't know.....should I run? I know my duty is to pray for those who are lost. Which I am. I don't know if I should continue seeing him or let it go. I really like him. I know I can't change him. Only God can change the human heart. Need advice
 

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
Jan 15, 2011
5,954
2,748
113
#2
Walk away before you get in any deeper. People can claim all day long that they are Christian however this guy's fruit says otherwise.
 
Jul 29, 2018
55
45
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NYC, NY
#4
That's what I thought you guys would say. I've always heard about being emotionally attached to people. I think I'm already emotionally attached. And the crazy thing is we haven't even met in person yet.
 

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
Jan 15, 2011
5,954
2,748
113
#5
That's what I thought you guys would say. I've always heard about being emotionally attached to people. I think I'm already emotionally attached. And the crazy thing is we haven't even met in person yet.
IMO it'll only get worse in person. Conversations being steered towards sex will become pressure to become sexually intimate.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
6,925
2,934
113
#6
I met a sweet guy who I really like. We met on a Christian dating site. At first I have to admit I wasn't into him. He's not the type of guy I would date/ see myself with. But I wanted to give him/us a chance. We haven't been on a first date yet
We've been chatting. I notice things about him when we chat. The conversation tends to go in a more sexual direction. I fell for it a couple of times. I got pulled in and felt so convicted within. But he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I see this as a red flag. Maybe I shouldn't pursue a relationship with him. Plus he's into a lot of things that as Christians, I don't think we should do. Like yoga. He doesn't go to church often. He seems to be more into putting himself first (jogging, hiking on a Sunday morning when he should be in church worshipping the Lord). I told him how I felt today about it and he totally brushed me off. He keeps saying he is a Christian. But if we don't see the fruit being produced. He admitted he doesn't read the bible as much. I don't know.....should I run? I know my duty is to pray for those who are lost. Which I am. I don't know if I should continue seeing him or let it go. I really like him. I know I can't change him. Only God can change the human heart. Need advice
Hi saved SavedByGrace; greetings and congratulations for being so brave and forthcoming.
At this risk of catching some flack (as I put on my flack-jacket) I confess, my first reaction was to make a quick judgement and recommendation based merely upon the limited information that was provided... Than I realized how hypocritical that would be of me - as it is not my place to judge a complete stranger who I do not know, and oh how I do not like to be unfairly judged by those who hold the keys to my fate...
In this scenario, yes, you have identified a couple very concerning 'red-flags'; but my only cause for pause was in knowing how young you seem - leading me to believe that he too is young and likely 'knows not what he is doing' - plenty of maturing...
I confess - that I have a 23 year old son that you could very well be describing... While I believe my son to know the lord, I also know that he is in need of finding his way back along his journey...
I can only pray that at least some portion of the individuals that attempt online christian dating do actually believe that they are christian - the unfortunate reality is that many (if not most) of them are genuinely blind in their faith and spirituality.
That does not mean that they should be deemed/judged beyond salvation by others who do not know them...
Bottomline - if he is not the type of guy that you would normally see yourself with than you should probably follow your instincts.
Has he even indicated interest in going on an actual date - or is he smitten just to engage in relationships via his keyboard? Another potential red flag...
If it would make you feel better to give him the benefit of the doubt and actually go on at least one date with him to confirm your suspicions before moving on that is just as good also...

Please be safe, be guarded and good luck... God Bless
 

p_rehbein

Senior Member
Sep 4, 2013
29,332
5,987
113
#7
That's what I thought you guys would say. I've always heard about being emotionally attached to people. I think I'm already emotionally attached. And the crazy thing is we haven't even met in person yet.
It seems you may be emotionally attached to the "him" you have created in your mind...........

RED FLAGS are there for a reason.........but, prayer and being open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit will direct your path............Listen to Him............
 
Jul 29, 2018
55
45
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NYC, NY
#8
Thank you so much for your reply (and for saying I'm so young 😁). He's 42 and I'm 38. He's never been married. He has shown interest in getting to know me. He wants to go out with me so we can talk in person and get to know each other better. I'm just worried about falling for a guy who doesn't seem to truly be walking with the Lord. I have a 7 year old son. So I'm very careful when it comes to bringing someone around him. He has to be a good influence and a man of God all the way. I just don't know if I should give him a chance. Maybe I should go out with him and get to know him better in person. Or should I just run now? I really like him a lot already (as I stated I've gotten emotionally attached already). 😥
 

p_rehbein

Senior Member
Sep 4, 2013
29,332
5,987
113
#9
I would suggest you do not go alone, and NOT in a private place...........Double date maybe, or Church function, or some such.........BE SURE it's in a Public setting.........

Nothing wrong with prudence
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
983
1,006
93
#10
That's what I thought you guys would say. I've always heard about being emotionally attached to people. I think I'm already emotionally attached. And the crazy thing is we haven't even met in person yet.
Part of that emotional attachment is probably because of the way he makes you feel.
If he says nice things to you, that makes you feel good about yourself, then you feel your heart being pulled towards him.
I hope you listen to the advice people have given you.
I think you already know full well what you should do. :)
Hopefully the comments here encourage your heart to do it.
God bless you! :)
 
Jul 29, 2018
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41
NYC, NY
#11
It seems you may be emotionally attached to the "him" you have created in your mind...........

RED FLAGS are there for a reason.........but, prayer and being open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit will direct your path............Listen to Him............

I believe you are right 😥
 
Jul 29, 2018
55
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41
NYC, NY
#12
Part of that emotional attachment is probably because of the way he makes you feel.
If he says nice things to you, that makes you feel good about yourself, then you feel your heart being pulled towards him.
I hope you listen to the advice people have given you.
I think you already know full well what you should do. :)
Hopefully the comments here encourage your heart to do it.
God bless you! :)



Thank you sister ❤
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
983
1,006
93
#13
I appreciate the way you have your childs best interest in mind as well.
So many people don't consider them at all, and they can be greatly impacted by our choices.
Pray for wisdom. God gives generously. <3
 
Jul 29, 2018
55
45
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NYC, NY
#14
I appreciate the way you have your childs best interest in mind as well.
So many people don't consider them at all, and they can be greatly impacted by our choices.
Pray for wisdom. God gives generously. <3
❤❤❤
 
W

Wild

Guest
#15
I met a sweet guy who I really like. We met on a Christian dating site. At first I have to admit I wasn't into him. He's not the type of guy I would date/ see myself with. But I wanted to give him/us a chance. We haven't been on a first date yet
We've been chatting. I notice things about him when we chat. The conversation tends to go in a more sexual direction. I fell for it a couple of times. I got pulled in and felt so convicted within. But he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I see this as a red flag. Maybe I shouldn't pursue a relationship with him. Plus he's into a lot of things that as Christians, I don't think we should do. Like yoga. He doesn't go to church often. He seems to be more into putting himself first (jogging, hiking on a Sunday morning when he should be in church worshipping the Lord). I told him how I felt today about it and he totally brushed me off. He keeps saying he is a Christian. But if we don't see the fruit being produced. He admitted he doesn't read the bible as much. I don't know.....should I run? I know my duty is to pray for those who are lost. Which I am. I don't know if I should continue seeing him or let it go. I really like him. I know I can't change him. Only God can change the human heart. Need advice
Run
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
3,121
2,512
113
#17
I met a sweet guy who I really like. We met on a Christian dating site. At first I have to admit I wasn't into him. He's not the type of guy I would date/ see myself with. But I wanted to give him/us a chance. We haven't been on a first date yet
We've been chatting. I notice things about him when we chat. The conversation tends to go in a more sexual direction. I fell for it a couple of times. I got pulled in and felt so convicted within. But he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I see this as a red flag. Maybe I shouldn't pursue a relationship with him. Plus he's into a lot of things that as Christians, I don't think we should do. Like yoga. He doesn't go to church often. He seems to be more into putting himself first (jogging, hiking on a Sunday morning when he should be in church worshipping the Lord). I told him how I felt today about it and he totally brushed me off. He keeps saying he is a Christian. But if we don't see the fruit being produced. He admitted he doesn't read the bible as much. I don't know.....should I run? I know my duty is to pray for those who are lost. Which I am. I don't know if I should continue seeing him or let it go. I really like him. I know I can't change him. Only God can change the human heart. Need advice
Here's another way to think of it.
Remove the issues of faith, remove the issue of sex, remove all those details. And let's look at his attitude towards you.
You express a problem you have with his behavior, he dismisses you and your complaint and continues going against your wishes.
Bam. Right there. Problem. If hes that dismissive of you now, then how much worse will it get once he's more familiar with you and feels he can get away with more? He doesn't respect you.
And this is the person you've become emotionally attached to?
Because you've engaged in sexual behavior it causes a false emotional connection. People who engage in sexual activity are more likely to stay in bad relationships than those that don't because they feel more connected with the person.
This doesn't lead to anything healthy, it merely prolongs bad relationships.

Dating sites, including Christian, have strong reputations of being filled mostly with people seeking sex, not real relationships. So if you're going to be on one you'll want to be more guarded and require more of men to earn your trust.
 
Jul 29, 2018
55
45
18
41
NYC, NY
#18
Here's another way to think of it.
Remove the issues of faith, remove the issue of sex, remove all those details. And let's look at his attitude towards you.
You express a problem you have with his behavior, he dismisses you and your complaint and continues going against your wishes.
Bam. Right there. Problem. If hes that dismissive of you now, then how much worse will it get once he's more familiar with you and feels he can get away with more? He doesn't respect you.
And this is the person you've become emotionally attached to?
Because you've engaged in sexual behavior it causes a false emotional connection. People who engage in sexual activity are more likely to stay in bad relationships than those that don't because they feel more connected with the person.
This doesn't lead to anything healthy, it merely prolongs bad relationships.

Dating sites, including Christian, have strong reputations of being filled mostly with people seeking sex, not real relationships. So if you're going to be on one you'll want to be more guarded and require more of men to earn your trust.
I appreciate your feedback.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,197
2,221
113
#19
I met a sweet guy who I really like. We met on a Christian dating site. At first I have to admit I wasn't into him. He's not the type of guy I would date/ see myself with. But I wanted to give him/us a chance. We haven't been on a first date yet
We've been chatting. I notice things about him when we chat. The conversation tends to go in a more sexual direction. I fell for it a couple of times. I got pulled in and felt so convicted within. But he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I see this as a red flag. Maybe I shouldn't pursue a relationship with him. Plus he's into a lot of things that as Christians, I don't think we should do. Like yoga. He doesn't go to church often. He seems to be more into putting himself first (jogging, hiking on a Sunday morning when he should be in church worshipping the Lord). I told him how I felt today about it and he totally brushed me off. He keeps saying he is a Christian. But if we don't see the fruit being produced. He admitted he doesn't read the bible as much. I don't know.....should I run? I know my duty is to pray for those who are lost. Which I am. I don't know if I should continue seeing him or let it go. I really like him. I know I can't change him. Only God can change the human heart. Need advice

Your duty is to pray for those who are lost..... not date them. And what you are saying indicates that you see him as someone who is less committed to his faith and obeying the Lord than you are. Generally I've found that good quality guys don't take conversations in a sexual direction early on especially not in a personal way. If you're committed to obeying God then sex isn't an option until you marry someone, a guy who brings it up out of order ( like long before marriage is being considered) isn't a guy who is going to want to wait until marriage. Feeling brushed off is also a pretty big indicator that healthy, open, honest communication needs to grow more to make this a successful relationship. Plenty of Christians are less than diligent in church attendance and bible reading so that's not a horrible red flag, but I would be discussing why things are in the state they are in with him if I were in your shoes. Especially because it's not enough to just both claim the label Christian to make things work out long term, you'll have to be united in how faith is practiced and walked out in your lives.

But what I'm more wondering about is: When you met him he wasn't the type of guy you could see yourself with, but you wanted to give him a chance. Now you're seeing more issues that indicate that he isn't the type of guy you want to be with, and you wonder if you should give him more chances. Why is that exactly? Because if it's just the loneliness and the it's so nice to have another adult to talk to factor, then it's not going to end well and the longer you drag it out the greater the negative impact on your life. A brilliantly simple peace of advice I realized long ago is that every person you date you will either marry or break up with. So if you know that this guy isn't going to be someone you want to marry, then your only option is to break up and it's just a matter of how long you want to drag things out before you do so.

(and it's probably pretty obvious that I think you are going to break up with him, but I want you to make that decision for yourself and not just because a bunch of strangers on the internet told you to after hearing just your side of the story)