God surprises me. Shocking, right? It is when you're in my spot. Last night, at church, I just kind of felt like...I wondered if I'm even an actual Christian. I mean, I try to be, but I knowing that there are Christians being persecuted and martyred, I wonder if I'm willing to do die for the sake of Christ...and I can't find it within me to say, "Yeah, I would!" I just kind of feel like, I'd much rather God take me home before I'd be faced with that. I knew the Bible has multiple stories of protection all throughout it, and God has protected me before in my life (I was very sick in 2009, but God brought me through it). But...that doesn't mean we're protected from persecution and stuff. My mom wasn't protected from dying of cancer. So I guess I doubt God's protection sometimes. Anyways...knowing that. I just kind of felt like, I don't even know if God has a good plan for me or if I'd even make it to heaven if I'm not willing to do that. I'll leave you hanging right there for a bit.
Later after church, I was unhappy with my sister. Her and I haven't been getting along. Long story short, her and I were up talking and sorting things out until 2 in the morning. I had to be ready to go to church by 8:30. So, as usual, I shower, brush my teeth, get in my bed and turn the light off. I was ready to sleep. But I COULD NOT fall asleep. I've been hearing something like digging and scratching and popping....sounded like it was coming from the attic. I forget when it started happening. It wasn't like that when we first moved in. I figured it was just my ceiling fan getting caught on something. Sometimes ceiling fans make noises. I'm used to it. Well, it was getting a bit persistent last night. Almost non-stop. Three times, I turned my light on and off, looking around, trying to see what could possibly be making that noise. I saw nothing. I turned my light off one more time...and very clearly, something within me said, "GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH. There's something trying to get in. Get out and sleep on the couch." So I grab the blankets off of my bed, grabbed the pillows off of one of the couches and I slept on the couch last night. Quite peacefully without any noises.
This morning, I slept in through my alarm. My youth pastor was outside waiting for me, and I was just waking up. So I get off the couch, rush into my room, about to change, and I hear BZZZZ. I look up on my wall...and there's three or four bees there. Last night, when I heard what I heard, I was thinking it was wasps or hornets because they like to dig and don't care where they do it. At least...that's what my instincts were telling me. I wasn't too far off.
My conclusion is, though...even though I've been so terrible lately, I've been such an awful person...in spite of that, God protected me. It's not that I'm allergic to bee stings (well, I wouldn't know, I've never been stung by anything beyond those itty bitty sweat bees). I'm extremely scared of wasps, hornets, bees, etc. and as it was, I was shaking when I ran out of my room when I saw them. I could have been sleeping in the same room as them. It makes me shudder to think that. To think I could have easily ignored it, just like I have all of these other nights. But this time...it was different. I KNEW deep down, I don't want to play around with this. And I know it was God. And it made me realize...even though I haven't valued my life the way I should have, have even asked God once or twice to take me out of my misery...He made sure I was completely safe.