I watched a film last night that no Christian circle would recommend (I will refrain from naming the title to avoid any piles of stones that might be thrown for my choice.)
However, I have always been interested in stories that give raw portrayals of the human psyche, and particularly its breakdown, because I am always interested in whether or not God wills us as a society to work on repairing that psyche, or if we have to accept that there is a point of no return, leaving us to somehow adjust to the aftermath.
The movie was a blatant (albeit unrealistic) portrait of what it may take for some human beings to go through in order to understand another person they have judged prematurely. It was also an exploration in how much the human mind can (or cannot) take.
One particular sequence, in which an inmate charms and takes in a stray mouse as his only companion, reminded me of an inmate I used to write. He told me that he had once captured and attempted to domesticate a rat that had wandered into his cell, and it became his best (and only) friend. He kept it on a leash so that it couldn't run away.
It was such a long time ago, I can't remember what happened, if someone took it from him and killed it or if it died by natural means, but somehow, his beloved friend was taken from him and the grief and anguish he experienced and expressed was as great as you or I would have over the loss of a human friend.
I wonder if this is why God makes us go through some of the things that we do--in order to truly understand (and empathize) with other people.
I wish I had someone to talk to right now about everything I'm thinking and feeling. Someone who wouldn't judge me or what I'd have to say, because it would be truly raw and unabashed... Someone who would just let me talk, and would actually have something meaningful (instead of correctional) to say back. Someone who has thought about the same things and wished to share their own thoughts on the matter.
It's this time of year, and these kinds of moments, that I miss my ex-husband the most, because we would have had a raw and honest conversation about this movie without any restraints or judgments.
I remember one year we had strung Christmas lights all over our apartment as if they were stars in the sky, and one night, lying under all those brightly colored lights, we had a long discussion over whether, if someone committed suicide at a public wishing well, once it was cleaned up, would people still come there to make wishes? Of course they would.
In college, a local video rental store was held up and two employees murdered (via execution-style shootings). My boyfriend at the time was an EMT, and while he hadn't been on for that call, his partner had taken the call. When the store reopened (business as usual), we paid a visit and amidst all the students bustling by, my boyfriend pointed out to me all the bloodstains in the carpet that they had been unable to wash out. Because, of course, the main concern was to get the store up and running and back in business again.
It's these times when I miss my ex-husband the most. Because we had conversations I couldn't have with anyone else... raw and most importantly, real, and I didn't have to worry about whether or not he thought I was being Christian enough in what I had to say. He just let me talk, and he had an entire set of his own thoughts to contribute when I was done, because he had already thought about such things as well. I miss that so much.
You can't hide from God what you're thinking or feeling so I've always believed in just spilling it all anyways and then allowing Him to work through it all with you as He wills.
Sometimes though, in order to let it out, you need to have a safe guide to lead the way.