Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

[rachelsedge]

Just... don't demand it cost 3 months salary and go into gross vs net etc, which it sounds like you aren't going to do, so good for you! Not treating a guy like he's an ATM is a really good sign for your future..

Oh no no, this one is cheap. Well, cheap for an engagement ring. I originally wanted it to be under $1,000. However, I was told by almost everyone that that was impossible to do. But this one is $630. I need to print it out to hand to all my unbelievers who thought I couldn't do it. Shun the non-believers!

And it wouldn't be an engagement ring if *I* bought it.

Though, I suppose I will make the age 35, because if I'm not married by 35, then that means I will give up and then I won't care whether guys think I'm taken or not.

Anyway, that's 10 years down the road.

 

[kenthomas27]

Rachel, you are such a total trip.....

 

[lil_christian]

Please just disregard this. I spent 12 hours with 75 teenagers yesterday and this morning for a youth group lock-in. Usually those things are supposed to leave you feeling exhausted but happy when you come home. I felt like total crap. I did not enjoy myself. I was not recognized as a leader at all. Kids from my youth group said to me, "Why do you get to hang out with the leaders? ...You're part of the staff?? Why do you get to be a staff?" and then the staff mainly ignored me. So the staff didn't really recognize me as "one of them." The same people I practiced with in Northern Ohio I felt completely separated from. I shouldn't be surprised, though. I act way too immature, and I've just gotten to the point where I'm just a very non-approachable person, and in a way I don't even care. I know I should. But I just feel so done with everything, I can't stand seeing and hearing how great everyone else is doing, God is doing this, God is doing that and then there's me. I'm alive and that's pretty much the only thing going for me. I constantly feel overlooked. And how does an overlooked person act? Like nobody cares. So they aren't going to care. I've tried believing. I have always heard God is in the business or making impossible things happen. I believed before He was going to do the impossible, that Mom was going to be healed when she was alive. She died anyways. What makes this any different? I'll probably lose my dog and cat, and have to live a miserable life with my dad and his will-be wife when I'm forced to move. Nobody realizes how painful this is for me. But that tends to happen when you're overlooked. If I didn't care it wouldn't be so painful. But when you're apathetic you're not living.

 

[jsr1221]

i wasn't serious about it but i do wear a simple silver ring on my right ring finger. i was not aware guys get confused by it................

We're a very simple-minded group of people.

 

[ServantStrike]

I second ServantStrike.

rachelsedge and melita916 please dont buy yourselves an engagement ring. Firstly, it's a man's job. And secondly, it will confuse the living daylights out of us as to whether you are taken or not. We never get the significance of left or right hand, middle or ring finger. Seriously. Don't do that.

Yeah seriously, some of us actually want to buy a woman one as long as she doesn't treat us like an ATM. Like really want to do it. Let us have that one.

i wasn't serious about it but i do wear a simple silver ring on my right ring finger. i was not aware guys get confused by it................

It would confuse me!

Pinkies, thumbs, and index fingers are much less confusing - other than we wonder if that means you have someone in your life already providing for several of your fingers and he's working his way towards the big one. but one on a ring finger on either hand and we wonder if that means that gosh darn it, we're too late again.


This has happened before to me, but I am the type to ask someone out to a casual meet to get to know them better. I'll talk to someone and think "hey this is going great, or at least, I would risk the price of a cup of coffee to find out what else we might have in common." And then, all of a sudden I look down and I wonder "why on earth were they asking me about my hobby, and why did they say it sounds like fun to hang out with me, a random stranger, alone." Is that a promise ring, or is it one of those purity rings, or does this person just like rings? I don't know, and I'm never going to ask them to go grab that cup of coffee to find out - the ring scared me off (and I'm almost never scared).

 

[rachelsedge]

Rachel, you are such a total trip.....

I'm going to take this as a good thing.

 

[rachelsedge]

Also, this whole ring thing has me intrigued. I may make a thread about it.

 

[melita916]

...................... and this is why i'm single lol jk. thanks for the info lol

 

[ServantStrike]

Oh no no, this one is cheap. Well, cheap for an engagement ring. I originally wanted it to be under $1,000. However, I was told by almost everyone that that was impossible to do. But this one is $630. I need to print it out to hand to all my unbelievers who thought I couldn't do it. Shun the non-believers!

And it wouldn't be an engagement ring if *I* bought it.

Though, I suppose I will make the age 35, because if I'm not married by 35, then that means I will give up and then I won't care whether guys think I'm taken or not.

Anyway, that's 10 years down the road.

Sweet mercy. That's all?

Unless the guy you marry makes minimum wage, that number is a bit low, as at minimum wage I've seen guys blow that much money on a playstation and still pay their rent and their cable bill etc. Cut back on the fun budget and put it towards the "I want a wife" budget for 4-5 months if you have to. Wives are a lot more fun than a playstation (or so I'd imagine).

With some of the women I've run in to, I've honestly worried before if I'd escape the ring plus a wedding band for under 5k, and another 10k on the wedding - and then I realized that those women are not for me. That's a down payment on a house, and I can't keep up with someone like that.

You've restored a bit of faith in humanity for me. Thank you sister. You'll make someone very happy.

 

[lil_christian]

I always see the Zales, Jared's, or Kay commercials....and I shake my head at how at expensive they are. Like...really? I think I'd feel bad if someone spent more than 1,000 on a ring. Rings are so temporary...I'd just need something to signify I'm taken/I'm getting married. lol

 

[melita916]

ah i see those commercials and say those rings are TOO fancy!!! with all the diamonds and whatnots! so of course, i'm sure their mad expensive. gah.

 

[kenthomas27]

Please just disregard this. I spent 12 hours with 75 teenagers yesterday and this morning for a youth group lock-in. Usually those things are supposed to leave you feeling exhausted but happy when you come home. I felt like total crap. I did not enjoy myself. I was not recognized as a leader at all. Kids from my youth group said to me, "Why do you get to hang out with the leaders? ...You're part of the staff?? Why do you get to be a staff?" and then the staff mainly ignored me. So the staff didn't really recognize me as "one of them." The same people I practiced with in Northern Ohio I felt completely separated from. I shouldn't be surprised, though. I act way too immature, and I've just gotten to the point where I'm just a very non-approachable person, and in a way I don't even care. I know I should. But I just feel so done with everything, I can't stand seeing and hearing how great everyone else is doing, God is doing this, God is doing that and then there's me. I'm alive and that's pretty much the only thing going for me. I constantly feel overlooked. And how does an overlooked person act? Like nobody cares. So they aren't going to care. I've tried believing. I have always heard God is in the business or making impossible things happen. I believed before He was going to do the impossible, that Mom was going to be healed when she was alive. She died anyways. What makes this any different? I'll probably lose my dog and cat, and have to live a miserable life with my dad and his will-be wife when I'm forced to move. Nobody realizes how painful this is for me. But that tends to happen when you're overlooked. If I didn't care it wouldn't be so painful. But when you're apathetic you're not living.

It's always kind of amusing to me in a tragic way that when someone pours their heart out about being "invisible", the next few posts are completely indifferent and seem to prove the point. I'm hoping this post finds you not so alone Lil.

Yes. Your mom did die when you prayed for a miracle. That disappointment must have been deep and absolute for you. Yes - humans are self centered and they're not going to care for you like you care for yourself and God knows this. Yes - Mocha isn't going to be with you for long. The end of all things is inevitable. Change is the only unchanging predestination.

I believe we sometimes have to go through a season of biterness and dispair in order to ... achieve exhaltation Lil. In other words, I think this period of bitterness and dispair that you're going through is (or at least can be) the father of your growth. It defines your destiny. The weakness you see in yourself hones your future strengths. Your sorrow broadens the scope of your happiness. Harship chisels the fine detail of character and though you might not be feeling that right now, that too will....change.

 

[kenthomas27]

I'm going to take this as a good thing.

and you'd be right....

 

[Oncefallen]

Sometimes people don't make a lot of sense to me.

We got slammed with a bunch of snow quick and it was warm enough earlier so that the first bit of snow melted (and then refroze) on the roads turning them into an ice slick.

Anyway, I had to run to the other side of town because my dad dropped his house key when my folks were walking their dog and as a result they were locked out so I had to go let them in. We have a couple of hills in town that routinely get blocked up with stuck cars when we get a weather system like this so on the way back home I spent some time pulling people up the hill along with a few other good samaritans.

This one lady refused my help.......she's stuck in the middle of the road but would rather sit there than allow someone to help her out. She told me that she didn't think her husband would like it.

I could understand if I was telling her to abandon her car and get into my truck, but she would never have to leave the safety of her car.

 

[rachelsedge]

Please just disregard this. I spent 12 hours with 75 teenagers yesterday and this morning for a youth group lock-in. Usually those things are supposed to leave you feeling exhausted but happy when you come home. I felt like total crap. I did not enjoy myself. I was not recognized as a leader at all. Kids from my youth group said to me, "Why do you get to hang out with the leaders? ...You're part of the staff?? Why do you get to be a staff?" and then the staff mainly ignored me. So the staff didn't really recognize me as "one of them." The same people I practiced with in Northern Ohio I felt completely separated from. I shouldn't be surprised, though. I act way too immature, and I've just gotten to the point where I'm just a very non-approachable person, and in a way I don't even care. I know I should. But I just feel so done with everything, I can't stand seeing and hearing how great everyone else is doing, God is doing this, God is doing that and then there's me. I'm alive and that's pretty much the only thing going for me. I constantly feel overlooked. And how does an overlooked person act? Like nobody cares. So they aren't going to care. I've tried believing. I have always heard God is in the business or making impossible things happen. I believed before He was going to do the impossible, that Mom was going to be healed when she was alive. She died anyways. What makes this any different? I'll probably lose my dog and cat, and have to live a miserable life with my dad and his will-be wife when I'm forced to move. Nobody realizes how painful this is for me. But that tends to happen when you're overlooked. If I didn't care it wouldn't be so painful. But when you're apathetic you're not living.

It sounds like your youth and staff are immature, not you. Maybe you are (I don't know, just going off what you said, I'm not accusing), but the way you described their behavior doesn't sound mature to me, either.

We've had different circumstances, lil, but I know the feeling of being overlooked. By God, even. Again, I'm not accusing you, I'm just saying something that has happened to me before...one time, years ago, I texted my sister saying "I don't think anyone knows just how much the South Dakota thing tore me apart." Her response was, "That's because you don't let them." Sometimes we get overlooked because people aren't being loving, or they're just going about their day, and it makes us wonder what the heck is wrong with them and what the heck is wrong with us, but other times...it's because we don't want to let them in. Because that means being vulnerable. It means showing someone our wounds and hoping and praying that they don't shake salt on it, or throw cliches, or make us feel stupid for having it in the first place, but instead gently help us tend to it and encourage us. It feels like those people are hard to find, sometimes. Not only hard to find, maybe there are more of them out there than we know, it's just hard to build that trust with them enough to know that they ARE that kind of person.

I've found that some Christians think we shouldn't have certain feelings or we should only have certain feelings for a specified amount of time. Or you have those that you open up to, and they still don't get it, and that's not necessarily their fault. Sometimes it's hard to help carry someone's burden when it's so heavy or when they've never been there before themselves. Sometimes they may not know what to do or say. The especially painful ones are when they just blow it off.

Anyway, all that to say, I hope you know you are loved and valued, even if you don't feel like it. By people in your life (though it sounds like they could possibly use some guidance on showing it), by us here at CC, and by God. And trust me when I say I know how it feels to feel ignored/overlooked by God. Though, sometimes it's not an "overlooking" so much as a "He IS looking and isn't doing anything."

It's hard.

And it makes me want to punch people for you. But that's probably frowned upon.

 

[lil_christian]

It sounds like your youth and staff are immature, not you. Maybe you are (I don't know, just going off what you said, I'm not accusing), but the way you described their behavior doesn't sound mature to me, either.

We've had different circumstances, lil, but I know the feeling of being overlooked. By God, even. Again, I'm not accusing you, I'm just saying something that has happened to me before...one time, years ago, I texted my sister saying "I don't think anyone knows just how much the South Dakota thing tore me apart." Her response was, "That's because you don't let them." Sometimes we get overlooked because people aren't being loving, or they're just going about their day, and it makes us wonder what the heck is wrong with them and what the heck is wrong with us, but other times...it's because we don't want to let them in. Because that means being vulnerable. It means showing someone our wounds and hoping and praying that they don't shake salt on it, or throw cliches, or make us feel stupid for having it in the first place, but instead gently help us tend to it and encourage us. It feels like those people are hard to find, sometimes. Not only hard to find, maybe there are more of them out there than we know, it's just hard to build that trust with them enough to know that they ARE that kind of person.

I've found that some Christians think we shouldn't have certain feelings or we should only have certain feelings for a specified amount of time. Or you have those that you open up to, and they still don't get it, and that's not necessarily their fault. Sometimes it's hard to help carry someone's burden when it's so heavy or when they've never been there before themselves. Sometimes they may not know what to do or say. The especially painful ones are when they just blow it off.

Anyway, all that to say, I hope you know you are loved and valued, even if you don't feel like it. By people in your life (though it sounds like they could possibly use some guidance on showing it), by us here at CC, and by God. And trust me when I say I know how it feels to feel ignored/overlooked by God. Though, sometimes it's not an "overlooking" so much as a "He IS looking and isn't doing anything."

It's hard.

And it makes me want to punch people for you. But that's probably frowned upon.

It's probably immaturity on both sides. Probably more on mine than theirs. Honestly...I was probably a jerk. No, I definitely was...I said things I probably shouldn't have due to a few factors, but that doesn't negate the fact that I was a jerk. I made myself unapproachable.

And I do try to open up to people...and sometimes they don't seem to listen. And at this point, the whole Christians shouldn't feel such and such...it means nothing to me, because I am feeling these things. If they want, they can go ahead and accuse me of being a terrible Christian, I won't care because I have other things to worry about.

And the whole God looking and not doing anything....yeah... He seems to do that a lot. I don't know what He thinks He is doing. But all I know is He better cut it out. (Yep, I said it.)

 

[ChandlerFan]

If you can imagine this at all, picture me saying all of this in a calming, disarming voice. I just don't want it to seem like I picked apart everything that you said, it's just that there was a lot going on here

I spent 12 hours with 75 teenagers yesterday and this morning for a youth group lock-in. Usually those things are supposed to leave you feeling exhausted but happy when you come home. I felt like total crap. I did not enjoy myself. I was not recognized as a leader at all. Kids from my youth group said to me, "Why do you get to hang out with the leaders? ...You're part of the staff?? Why do you get to be a staff?" and then the staff mainly ignored me. So the staff didn't really recognize me as "one of them." The same people I practiced with in Northern Ohio I felt completely separated from. I shouldn't be surprised, though. I act way too immature, and I've just gotten to the point where I'm just a very non-approachable person, and in a way I don't even care. I know I should.

To start, lil, you have been through so much in a relatively short amount of time, lil. You have had a lot of major shifts happen in your life that are really hard to adjust to. And so with that, I just feel like maybe some of this frustration you're feeling could still be from these other things that have happened, and it's good to be able to sort out where your feelings are truly coming from. I don't think your youth or leaders meant any ill toward you, you were just in kind of an awkward spot.

You are brave for doing the lock-in haha. And it's kind of an awkward position to be in, being not a youth but also not necessarily distinguished as a leader because you aren't that much older than the other kids. And it definitely doesn't help that you didn't feel recognized as such by the other leaders. I feel like in a ministry setting, though, a lot of the leading is done quietly. So you may not be looked at as an authority figure necessarily, but you're someone who can build relationships with the youth in a unique way that older adults can't, and in those relationships you can really help guide some of the girls especially. So regardless of how you're recognized, keep taking steps just to build relationships with the girls so you might be a spiritual guide/encouragement to them I have a lot of confidence in you that you can do that too.

But I just feel so done with everything, I can't stand seeing and hearing how great everyone else is doing, God is doing this, God is doing that and then there's me. I'm alive and that's pretty much the only thing going for me. I constantly feel overlooked. And how does an overlooked person act? Like nobody cares. So they aren't going to care.

If I could offer a little bit of truth, I think most people have a lot more going on under the surface than they let on. Not to say your struggles aren't more than what they're dealing with, but chances are they really don't feel like they're doing all that great even though it appears that way.
I know it seems impossible to see, but God is working in and around you, and hopefully sometime soon that will become more evident as you look back. God is masterful at redeeming awful situations, and I have so much confidence that you will see that become true of your situation as well if you keep hanging in there I'm sorry that you've felt overlooked, though. That's not a good feeling to have when you have so much on your plate to deal with.

I've tried believing. I have always heard God is in the business or making impossible things happen. I believed before He was going to do the impossible, that Mom was going to be healed when she was alive. She died anyways. What makes this any different? I'll probably lose my dog and cat, and have to live a miserable life with my dad and his will-be wife when I'm forced to move. Nobody realizes how painful this is for me. But that tends to happen when you're overlooked. If I didn't care it wouldn't be so painful. But when you're apathetic you're not living.

I think the fact that you care shows the kind of wonderful heart that you have. Again, I'm so sorry that you've had to endure the pain that you have. I would never wish that upon anyone and I wish that you didn't have to go through all of that. I wholeheartedly believe that things will get better, though, lil. I wish I could make them better now, but I do really believe they will eventually. I will be praying for you to that end as well, and that you will one day see God's goodness in all of this.

 

[cinder]

And I do try to open up to people...and sometimes they don't seem to listen. And at this point, the whole Christians shouldn't feel such and such...it means nothing to me, because I am feeling these things. If they want, they can go ahead and accuse me of being a terrible Christian, I won't care because I have other things to worry about.

And the whole God looking and not doing anything....yeah... He seems to do that a lot. I don't know what He thinks He is doing. But all I know is He better cut it out. (Yep, I said it.)

I was thinking earlier today about how much I hate the idea that there are certain things and emotions that aren't appropriate for church and how destructive that can be when we refuse to let God into the messy parts and so send people out to deal with the messy stuff and the hurt on their own (or send them into the arms of those who are willing to talk about it and espouse ideas and philosophies that are anti-God). Be as angry with God as you need to be; he's God for crying out loud, he can take it.

On the sympathetic side: hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Yeah you're in a rough spot, and I'm sorry it feels like no one is paying attention. You hereby have my permission (as future supreme ruler of the world as soon and I finalize and put into action my world domination plans) to blow up at people, yell at them, cry and rage and be just as jerkish as you need to until people understand that you are hurting, you are not doing ok, and someone else needs to step up because you can't do this anymore right now. God gets angry and grieved and stuff so it's ok for you to do so as well.

On the more practical side: You aren't just going through loss of your mother right now; you're also going through loss of your high school years and childhood and transitioning into adulthood. You won't fit in as one of the youth group kids anymore, but you are probably still too close in age and friendship to be seen as one of the adults. I'm not going to say you have to quit youth group or your church ministry activities, but I will say that being in any leadership position in the church often brings added pressure to conform to a certain image and extremely high standard. So IF you need to, quit. And don't take on the guilt of they won't have anyone else to do this or they are depending on you (granted it would be good to give them a couple weeks notice, but once you give them a date stick to it). I'll go so far to say that if your church can't respect your need for a break to deal with all you've been through in the last year, you should strongly consider finding a new church where you are more important than the work you do.

Yeah seriously, some of us actually want to buy a woman one as long as she doesn't treat us like an ATM. Like really want to do it. Let us have that one.

Agreed but fair warning, some of us women are of a much more practical bent. Don't waste a huge amount of money on that ring. I'd probably make a guy take a ring back if he spent an insane amount of money (like several thousand dollars) on it. And I wouldn't care too much if it was the $50 Wal-mart special with cubic zirconia or cut glass and 10 karat gold (honestly, I probably wouldn't notice the difference unless the guy told me).

 

[blue_ladybug]

why am i awake at 3:26 a.m.? aarghhh..

 

[cinder]

Had a God gotcha moment today at church. The other night I was thinking about the unexpected impacts losing weight is having on me, including being rather sad that I'm going to lose some of my favorite clothes because I'm getting to small for them.

Today in the church bulletin (talking about lent):

The unimportant is removed. We finally confess that all our finery, our clothing, our possessions, our abilities - all that we think makes us who we are - is not at all who we are.

It's been and continues to be an interesting journey going to a liturgical church (and actually paying attention instead of inwardly whining about how it can drone on and on and be boring).