I spoke with my mom yesterday about alot of what I have been feeling lately concerning my drive, school, feeling trapped, how I have been writing, all that. She thinks that I am burnt out. 4 years of studying and writing papers, 4 years of having very little money limiting what I can do, 4 years of going into debt without a clear vision of the future. She is concerned that if I continue this last year, I will not try anymore, get poor marks or fail, because my heart is no longer in it. Maybe take 6 months or a year off and come back, she said.
I think she is very right about being burnt out. Aside from primary school, 4 years has been the longest period of time that I have been doing the same thing. The most I've been at a job is 2 1/2 years. The most I lived in the same place (aside from my parents) is 2 1/2 years. I am by nature a person that desires change, to renew herself, searching for fulfillment, searching for something new. God made me that way. I was told from a spiritual adviser on campus, that the desire for change is a blessing, a gift from God. And that it is not a bad thing that I cannot emotionally and mentally work a 9-5 job for 10+ years straight.
I have been at it for 4 years, I think this desire is catching up with me. And everything within me is screaming for change. I don't want to be here anymore. And when I start feeling that way, it is very hard not to feel trapped if I force myself to keep going. It is very hard not to feel emotionally exhausted. If I keep going, it is very hard to apply myself and care about what I am doing.
Sometimes I wonder if the married life will be for me, given this desire for change. Perhaps it is best that I remain unmarried. But that is another subject altogether.
Maybe all I need is 6 months off, or 1 year off, or maybe the summer will renew me enough to keep going.
I asked my mom, as we were about to hang up, if you could give me two words about what I need to do with my life, what would they be? Her reply, Get. Inspired.