I am sorry to hear this. You have really analyzed every sentence. I am sorry I was critical. But didn't you ask?
Life can be hard. I was leaving lower secondary school (junior high) with the best grades of my year. But yet I was never good enough. My sister did even better. I have 2.5 bachelor degrees and now, at 45 i try to go back to get a master's. Does it make me happy? Yeah. Academics does. Don't like writing a thesis on "the" and "a/an" in Victorian English. I need to take the social linguistic approach. And I think I have found my "thing".
Life has been hard to me, too. Very hard. Disability, violent husband, depression, rejection, son with Aspergers, violent son with Aspergers, son that is now thinking he is a daughter. I could make the list longer. Yet. I smile by God's grace. I love the people around me. I often feel lonely. But it is getting better. What I wrote wasn't meant as criticisim. Just an honest answer.
I wrote to you "you are who you are for a reason". Thank you for sharing this reason. And God will use you for who you are, because God created you. I wish you had more love and laughter in your life. And one day be blessed with a woman by your side. Who am I to talk? A person that yesterday was rejected by the person I believed God sent me to be the one... God sent him another message, it seems.
So. I am God's bulldozer. If I hit the wall enough times and enough hard it will surely fall down. Or will it?
God bless, Gary. You are a good guy. Please relax and don't take me so seriously serious, ok?
Don't feel bad for what you have written. At best, you only prompted me to think about things from my past. You didn't actually cause any of it; it is already set in the stone of history. And, it's not that I am experiencing anything like "clinical depression" --
that is not the case at all. I am perfectly stable and self-aware in mental capacity, etc. What I have written is merely a reflection of what I have learned from self-observation and my life in general.
It is a "deep-level" - not a "depression-level" - loneliness that I experience - if you know what I mean. While it is certainly "distracting" at times, it does not prevent me from doing the "normal" activity of a "normal" daily life - working a job, etc. It does not mean I never laugh -- lately, I have just kackled at some of the stuff other CC members have come up with and written into their posts. I couldn't help but chuckle at your last sentence in the post quoted above.
I can "function" just fine in my daily activity. That is not a problem. It is not like I am just sitting around crying all the time or something. (
I am not saying anything against anyone crying when they need to -- it is a well-known accepted fact that crying provides for an emotional 'release' - even for men, not just for women. ) In fact, I rarely do cry. And, I am a bit of a 'softy'. There
are things that "touch my heart" enough to make me shed a tear. But, I very rarely "just let go and bawl" - I tend to keep it inside. And, believe it or not, one of the reasons for this is -- I do not have my best friend and companion to hold - and her to hold me - while I cry. Some things seem "too lonely" to cry about outside of having that special someone with you - "crying alone" does not seem to be enough...
Like I said before - everything seems to come back to the woman.
The loneliness I describe is [ simply ] "just there" - "all the time" - always reminding me of that one very special thing I have never been blessed to have in my life.
Sorry if I over-stated it. I did not mean to.
I am sorry about your troubles and pain. And, it serves as a reminder for me to be grateful for the blessings I do have - which are many.
I just don't have the one thing that I have always wanted the most.
Don't worry about what you wrote. I like honest answers. They are the best kind that there is.
Sorry about your love lost -- it is always painful to be at the threshold of something you believe will be wonderful - only to have it ripped away from you.
I understad this quite well - believe me, I do.