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M
I love it when my husband is outside working really hard and I'm not.
...actually, that's not true. Well, it IS, but it's more a funny kind of true than a mean kind of true...?
No, you know what? Nevermind, I can't make that statement right. So instead of deleting it and starting over, I'm leaving it there.
...I should eat lunch. Or maybe just wait for dinner. Whatever, I still have half a pot of coffee, I'm good.
...actually, that's not true. Well, it IS, but it's more a funny kind of true than a mean kind of true...?
No, you know what? Nevermind, I can't make that statement right. So instead of deleting it and starting over, I'm leaving it there.
...I should eat lunch. Or maybe just wait for dinner. Whatever, I still have half a pot of coffee, I'm good.
You know, people might not know it, but I try WAY too hard to be accepted, especially into certain groups. I can see so much of it in myself it's insane. I have this desire to belong somewhere because sometimes, in some ways, I feel like an outcast. Not because of anything someone has or hasn't done. It's just me. But, I realize now, Jesus has accepted me, and I'm a citizen of His kingdom, so I don't need accepted into anything else.
O
Ugh, every time I have a cold I get so introspective. I hate when I get introspective as it depresses me. I start thinking about all the people I wish I could help but can't, even within my own family. Issues that certain members of my family deal with, I wish I could just take them away or make them be free from them. Then I look inward and I see my own faults and failures and wish I could be so much better than what I am. I think God deserves so much better than what I am, yet I know I am a work in progress. I just wish I was further along on that progress than I am at the moment.
Blah, will this cold just leave already, tired of feeling rundown and... well, blah.
Blah, will this cold just leave already, tired of feeling rundown and... well, blah.
Perhaps I shouldn't allow the world any pressure on me. What is society anyway? A bundle of expectations balanced like heavily weighted scales on the backs of people who decide they must conform to it. It's hardly beneficial for anyone to walk around feeling obliged to misrepresent themselves as what others want them to be.
I don't think I should base myself on the undue and unrealistic expectations of others. What do I expect except acceptance for what I am? What conditions do I apply to my peers apart from the encouragement of individuality; the subtle forward proposition of the idea that I don't wish to confine them into a box?
I am a human, I make mistakes and I carry burdens and I harbor fears. But I won't play on yours. Allow me the same courtesy.
I don't think I should base myself on the undue and unrealistic expectations of others. What do I expect except acceptance for what I am? What conditions do I apply to my peers apart from the encouragement of individuality; the subtle forward proposition of the idea that I don't wish to confine them into a box?
I am a human, I make mistakes and I carry burdens and I harbor fears. But I won't play on yours. Allow me the same courtesy.
Got to see Denise briefly for the first time since she has been in rehab. We were not allowed to talk because she is still in a very strict detox regiment. But she waved to me from across the fence and gave me a smile that let me know that she is doing well.
I gave her sponsor a ride there as she is the only one that is allowed to visit her or set up visitation with others right now. When the sponsor came back from the visit, she relayed a message to me saying, "Denise wanted you to tell you that she loves you and to say thank you." The sponsor then asked if I would like to come to Wednesday family night visitation saying that she could arrange it. If I went, I would be able to visit every Wednesday and also on her weekend visits.
On the way to the visit, I was able to give her sponsor a lot of detail as to exactly what transpired between Denise and I in the past few years... as well as how we met 23 years ago.
Apparently her sponsor is more hopeful than I have allowed myself to be as she offered, "I told Denise that she needs to break off contact with the people that were dragging her down and stick with the hero (loooong story)." I wanted to smile in response, but I wouldn't let myself. Instead I put my head down and said, "Well, my only priority right now is for her to get better and be as supportive in that as I am able."
Planning a small music performance for June. It will be good to play guitar for a crowd after all of these years. Probably only doing one song which was composed and produced by a friend of mine named Lynn (also a friend of Denise for 30 years). I NEVER knew that Lynn was this talented:
[video=youtube;Gh5bv5Bqb4Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gh5bv5Bqb4Y&feature=youtu.be[/video]
I gave her sponsor a ride there as she is the only one that is allowed to visit her or set up visitation with others right now. When the sponsor came back from the visit, she relayed a message to me saying, "Denise wanted you to tell you that she loves you and to say thank you." The sponsor then asked if I would like to come to Wednesday family night visitation saying that she could arrange it. If I went, I would be able to visit every Wednesday and also on her weekend visits.
On the way to the visit, I was able to give her sponsor a lot of detail as to exactly what transpired between Denise and I in the past few years... as well as how we met 23 years ago.
Apparently her sponsor is more hopeful than I have allowed myself to be as she offered, "I told Denise that she needs to break off contact with the people that were dragging her down and stick with the hero (loooong story)." I wanted to smile in response, but I wouldn't let myself. Instead I put my head down and said, "Well, my only priority right now is for her to get better and be as supportive in that as I am able."
Planning a small music performance for June. It will be good to play guitar for a crowd after all of these years. Probably only doing one song which was composed and produced by a friend of mine named Lynn (also a friend of Denise for 30 years). I NEVER knew that Lynn was this talented:
[video=youtube;Gh5bv5Bqb4Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gh5bv5Bqb4Y&feature=youtu.be[/video]
A
Lately (ever since I met this Christian girl who told me she loved me right off the bat) I've been discerning everything I come across. Every thought, every sighting, every feeling, every word I hear,.. I process and analyze what I should do about it. More often than not, it's nothing. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I should do something about a thought, emotion etc,.. A very strong feeling (as if from God). But generally, if I get that kind of feeling, I do my best to remain passive and see what happens. If nothing, then the feeling goes away. It's tough though because in my nature, I want to do what I cannot for my will is limited. For instance, I want to do something but I can't because I don't know how to do it. So then, there are those times when I get the feeling that God is calling me to do something, yet I don't know what it is. All I know is the first step. And that is to trust that He will take care of it regardless of if I ever find out what it was He called me to do. His will is sovereign so I have no choice but to trust that whatever it is He wills for me to do about something, it will be done even if I know it or not. Yes, sometimes not knowing is a struggle but as I explained; when I don't know, God reminds me that I don't need to know. If it's meant for me to know, I will know it. The thing about this is that I had a feeling about this girl who said she loved me, I didn't know what feeling it was because it wasn't just one feeling. Confused maybe? Anyway, when that happened, I was very troubled. As I did not know why God willed for that girl to say those things to me and to make me feel that way. So I remained passive and discerned what the possible outcomes may be, if God willed for it to progress and we engage in conversance, then it would happen somehow. Though now, as I remain passive, I get the feeling that God did not will for that to happen, as it has not happened. I do not rule out the possibility that it may still happen, but now I will not that it may happen for it seems it is only my will for it to happen. If I will that which God has not willed, then I am deceiving myself,.. So I use discernment between my will and God's will. My will is not always what God wills, no. But when it is, I know because God enacts His will and my will is harmonized to His and it comes to pass exactly how it should. So now, I will not to pursue feelings for this woman, as God has convinced me that it is not His will. As a human being, I am constantly encountering different thoughts, emotions and people in general. So I must continue to discern everything as if I am in a war zone. It is true, what paul speaks of about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, the discerning of spirits is a gift indeed. It remains, that I discern spirits daily. So as to date, I discern that there is one spirit that is in keeping with God's will, His spirit. He does not guide me toward a spirit that is not His. His spirit is in me and He enables me to discern if His spirit is in someone else. How do I know if it is His spirit in someone? By the harmonization of spirits in Truth. There is one who I know of that I feel I am being drawn towards that has His spirit. Until I know for sure, I continue to pray and discern the will of my spirit in this alongside what His spirit may be willing in all this,..