There are a lot of things I can't wrap my mind around today. Like how I could have not noticed all those milk jugs in the fridge. Like how I could have ever considered trying to get my ex to take our son for the summer (since the number one reason I left was to protect our kids from the sort of damage he could do to them). Like how I could have made the mistake of not guarding my heart more carefully so as to avoid the searing pain of having it broken ever again.
I guess it's easy to overlook rotten milk when there are so many more pressing matters in the way.
And it was easier to convince myself that my difficult son would somehow benefit from time with his father, because let's face it, I am beyond desperate for any kind of help at this point. I am seriously losing it, and I see no way out. No glimmer of hope in the future. Meanwhile, my son's behavior gets worse and worse, I can't get him to listen to me for anything, and it's like we're all locked up here together, day in and day out. Even on the worst days, I can't simply call anyone up and ask them to take the kids for a couple of hours. There is nobody but me. I'm it. I guess I'd better learn to deal.
And really, if I'm being honest with myself, getting hurt this way was my own fault. I didn't wait like I should have. I refused to admit that I was wrong to give my heart away so soon. I saw something good, and I wanted it...needed it, I thought. I let fallible, useless human emotions take over, and I thought I was finally giving my heart to someone who would cherish it. I was...very wrong, to think that was ok at this point in my life. I should have known better. Was I wrong about him? I don't think so. I just feel...a little blindsided by the sudden ending, I suppose. Just because it's right doesn't mean it's easy. Kinda hurts like hell. Again, my fault; I should have simply known better.
I've felt God trying to get through to me for some time now, but I've only sort of answered that call. I've raged against him, I've cried to him, I've asked him for things...but I haven't been obedient, I haven't been at all appreciative, and I've utilized my selective hearing when I know he has something to say to me.
All I know at this point is that I can't go any further on the path I'm on. I've crashed and I'm burning and the momentary distraction of the crappy nail polish hasn't done anything but fuel the fire...because ignoring the pain only makes it worse when I'm finally forced to feel it.
I know I sound a little dramatic. I'm ok with that. I know now how wrong I've been. I'm sorry for that. I know I need to let God do His thing in my life now. I'm terrified of that.
I haven't really even begun to deal with the idea of being divorced, let alone the imminent reality. If I can allow God to lead me through this...well, it's my first step ever in the right direction. And maybe, maybe I will finally learn to be alone, and to be ok with that.
I can't take anymore pain.
I also just set off the smoke alarm without even cooking anything (which is the problem...I've been pre-heating the oven for two hours).