The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Miss Bluebell put up a sign in the window of the Blackboard Nail Salon.

We serve all women of colour except for rednecks. We don't want none of your business. Go somewhere else.

She had heard Miss Jenny was on the warpath. She told her family to hide in the bomb shelter underneath the First Baptist Church. And pray for her salvation.

 

[Lanolin]

Madame Doubtfire was pleased that so far the production of Priscilla Queen of the Desert was going to plan, even though King Charles had postponed his royal tour further. This would give her time to do Bubba's revue and Nativity play before she grew out of babyhood.

If Prince William and his family were going on ahead with their Family Fun Adventure, his children would take in matinees at the Pineapple theatre. They had reserved royal box seats.

I hope it doesnt take too long for them to dig their way here. I wonder why they dont just fly, but then I suppose they are being eco-friendly. If they all flew here they would have to spend most of their time planting trees to make up for all the jet fuel they consumed getting here.

She looked at her desert scenery. Fat chance of growing much trees in the desert. The only problem with having the desert in your backyard was it was so drying on the skin. That was why Evereverland had a border of aloe vera all around. Beyond that it was prickly pears, and the beer soaked billabong, and the lawless bogan Mosetarians crocs and vicious Rubyland alligators who were constantly at each others throats. It was really too bad Neighbours had been cancelled.

At least Home and Away was still running though.

 

[jennymae]

Eventually Ms Jenny learned that the hideous Ms Bluebell had reinstated segregation in the area. Well, that didn’t apply to her since she was 25% Native American and 50% Sami, an indigenous group from Northern Europe. She could vividly imagine the headlines stating that an indigenous woman had been denied access to a beauty salon on the grounds of unconstitutional Jim Crow laws in reverse.

She entered Ms Bluebell’s boutique with a smile.

 

[Lanolin]

In Dixielands bible belt, each baptist church advertised a specialty on their lightboard sign outside to passers by.

Miss Bluebells church, the First Baptist Church sign said FREE PEDICURES WITH BAPTISM. COME GET YOUR FEETS WET

Miss Dolly's house of worship which was the Second Baptist Church sign said GET THE FREE GIFT OF THE GAB HERE! TALK LAK A SOUTHERNER

The Third Baptist Church sign said CAN YOU HANDLE A SNAKE? GET THE WIGGLES HERE. CHILDREN FREE, ADULTS TITHE 50 CENTS

 

[Lanolin]

Someone had indeed broken into the Blackboard Nail Salon which was closed on Sundays. The place was trashed and nail polish was everywhere.

The community was shocked who would do such a thing? Everyone knew that no lady would dare demand a business to be open on Sundays! The sheriff was called and they dusted the place for fingerprints. Security cameras picked up an outline of a fuzzy red haired woman who was angrily cussing. Her nails looked hideous.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny took a look at the Lanovision Housewives Gossip Show. There was a news flash regarding somebody breaking into some beauty outlet down home somewhere. The woman who was believed to be the perpetrator carried some (a lot of) resemblance to Maggie-Mae, an adventurous woman who had just been released from a halfway house in Montgomery. Her parole officer would have a field day confronting her with this footage. Poor woman, Ms Jenny said to Charles, I sure wonder why she did such an awful thing against that fine lady, Ms Bluebell.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel was having a bad hair day

She had gone on one date with Dr Warner, after he had asked her out for a drink, but she said after her run because she'd be thirsty then. Poor Dr Warner ended up running 10 K but Rachel was hard to get -she was faster and he was quite out of breath when he eventually crossed the finish line at the IV (Shortland Street's watering hole) .

After near collapsing he tried to turn on the charm but it didnt seem to be working this time. Rachel was not impressed.

Are you alright Dr Warner?

Please you can call me Chris.

Chris or Christopher? I already know a Chris, I dont want to get the two of you confused.

I think I need a lie down

I'm sorry I am not a nurse I'm not qualified to look after you. I can call for one if you like.

oh puffed Dr Warner. Ive seen them all already.

Rachel didnt know what Dr Warner was talking about. So she called for an uber to drive him home as he was in no state to walk.

Then she ran back to her flat.

The next day Dr Warner didnt turn up for work. And when Rachel got home from her run the next day she looked in the mirror and saw her green hair had turned quite orange. Oh no...I look a fright she said. Time to get the Pantene.

She washed her hair till it turned back to its original golden honey blonde. Its never right she sighed. Too long, too curly, too dry, too greasy ugh, and now..,too blonde! I am going to be the butt of dumb blonde jokes again. She looked in her wardrobe for anything that would match her blonde hair but there was nothing except for a singlet and tutu and some Manolo Blahniks. Ugh if I wore that on Shortland Street, I am sure I would get fired.

It was a bad hair day indeed.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Dolly looked in the phone directory and tried to track down Miss Jenny to give her her tiara but it was proving impossible. She has way too many sisters, cousins and second and third cousins all ending in "mae" its like half of Dixieland is related to her. And her mobile library had mysteriously disappeared off the parkway. It would take forever to find her.

I have to get it to her before the parade rather than after. Its just I need room in my cupboard for all mah books. And its terrible someone raided the Blackboard Nail Salon as I could have given it to them for safe keeping as Miss Bluebell seemed to know everyones business. I cant think why a redneck would be so idiotic to trash the place as surely Miss Jennny would go there needing her nails fixed. Miss Bluebell accepts all women of colour and Miss Jenny IS coloured! Its not as if Miss Jenny is a redneck...or is she?

It was too much for Miss Dollys brain

In the end Miss Dolly decided it would best to give the tiara to Goodwill and pray that God would tell Miss Jenny to pick it up from there.

 

[Lanolin]

The mysterious 25% of Miss Jenny's heritage was endlessly discussed on The View, Dixielands primetime gossip show.

what is she...Jewish? Japovian? Japanese? Jamaican?

People speculated that the red hair might be a wig or that all red heads were descended from an unknown ethnic group called the Gingaites.

No shes part Philistine Im sure.

Didnt Esau have red hair? Caananites

And Prince Harry. Viking

No..Russian. Or..Celtic. Everybody was confused why she didnt just say what the 25% was.

 

[Lanolin]

There were many storms in teacups going on all over the world.

President Lanolin didnt pay much attention to many of them, knowing they would all blow over eventually.

Mosetarians vs Rubylanders

Red necks vs Blue collars

Charles vs Di... didn't that one end though? Or were his sons carrying on the endless feud. She couldnt keep up.

She checked her calendar. It seemed the Royal family was going to pay a visit to Evereverland but they would not make it to Lanolinland this time. Maybe it was just as well.

Because everyone in Lanolinland was caring only for the upcoming Fifa Women's World Cup.
And she now held the card for Ministry of Sports and Recreation.

For far too long men had held that post, and it was high time women had a turn at all the fun. She was sure that the recreation component could be beefed up as there was more to life than just sports.

Miss Goodbooks better gear up for more receational reading.
And we could hold more parties and festivals! Hooray.

It turned out Miss Greenlips Hine had Ministry of Justice but President Lanolin didnt want to swap with her. Sorry! Im keeping mine. Find out who's got Ocean and Fisheries and see if they can trade, otherwise Im afraid you're stuck with it.

 

[jennymae]

“Jenny! Looking like Lanovision is mighty busy about your heritage,” Charles was whispering in her ear a late night when they were watching tv. “Yeah, I reckon I’m the one being dragged through the mud this time,” she shrugged, “will you love me still?” she whispered back. Charles was caught off guard by her seemingly casual question, and hesitated for just long enough to make things awkward. “Yes, of course,” he then said with a voice that could be seen as a bit reluctant. Ms Jenny appeared satisfied with his words, but her mind was already working overtime trying to interpret his hesitant and reluctant reaction. Lanovision’s stone cold words already felt like ice water running through her veins.

She would never tell anybody about her last 25%. Yet she knew that the propaganda outlets just would come up with something if she kept quiet. She stared at the mirror. Her appearance clearly revealed those last 25%, but Lanovision obviously couldn’t do the math Their bad.

She picked up the phone and dialed the Chieftain’s number. “It’s all set,” she said. “Okay, we’ll launch our campaign in one hour,” the deep voice on the other end confirmed.

She hung up with her first glimpse of joy that day.

 

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby received a phone call from Miss Jenny who said she thinks the Chieftan wants to join forces with her to come against Miss Lanolin and her press. Miss Ruby warned Miss Jenny as doing business with the chieftan was always risky. She also warned her not to eat any chicken served in Mosteria after her dear great grandmother was poisoned by a Mosterian.

They say that Rome isn't built in one day but Miss Ruby had managed to have her bridge repaired in a day. Her triangle was complete again. Happy with her triangle she still had the problem of keeping the clone brothers away from her clone girls. It was not that Miss Ruby disliked the clone brothers, after all they did save her organs. It was just that her clones had jobs to do and she did not want them distracted. Morty suggested that Miss Ruby find some other girls for the two clones so Miss Ruby joined a dating site. And so she looked for two suitable partners for them. She swiped left (or right, not sure which is which) and she came up with some potential partners for the two.

She invited the five girls to her grand opening of her new bridge and also the clone brothers. She also invited Miss Jenny and Charles and asked them to come a day earlier so that they could help the clone brothers with a makeover before the girls arrived. They agreed to. Miss Jenny and Charles arrived and started with the clones makeovers. They desperately needed it as they weren't the best at grooming or fashion. They needed the keen eye of Miss Jenny and the good fashion sense of Charles, and so the makeover began.

The five girls Miss Ruby chose as potential partners for the clones were offered a flight on Ruby airlines and a weeks holiday on Eden Island. They were asked to wear beautiful gowns for the opening which was set for tomorrow night.

 

[Lanolin]

The possums of Evereverland were looking forward to the opening of the Big Pop up Pineapple theatre, and heard the ribbon cutting ceremony would have a very special VIP guest. They didnt know if it was going to be some world famous celebrity, or maybe it was going to be the Mayor.

As long as it wasnt royalty cos everyone absolutely hated royalty in Evereverland and made jokes about them mercilessly, how their ears stuck out, their try-hard to impress outfits, their plummy accents, their toadying servants and general cluelessness.

The last time someone Royal had toured Evereverland, they were met with signs saying Go HOME. We dont like you! Or, how much of taxpayers money did you waste getting here?
Blueblood is for lizards!

Dame Edna tried to placate the crowd by appealing to their possumhood. She was had friends in high places and knew if the Royals were unpopular nobody could just vote them out, they had to die. By getting their heads chopped off or in a really bad car crash. Despite 1/3 of the continent being named and claimed by the Royals, they were resented and lampooned all the time.

In the past Dame Edna had to keep Queensland for the Queen. Her riches depended on the Monarchy, the staus quo. But now she was dead. And now there was a King. He would probably want to change the name to Kingsland. It would be her worst nightmare.

She conferred with Madame Doubtfire. We are going to have to change the name of our production. said Madame Doutfire. Its not working if we go by the book.

What do you mean?

We have to change the name to Priscilla, King of the Desert.

 

[Lanolin]

Charlotte was whining.
Are we there yet? It was the longest trip ever.

George said oh do shut up. But she wouldnt. So he put his headphones on and listened to his audio instead. It was the Lion King album. He really liked the song 'I just cant wait to be King'

CHarlotte was in an endless competetion with her big brother George. Deep down she KNEW she was going to be the next Queen or at least an Empress, cos nobody liked George. He was such a snob! And he had such boring clothes. She could always wear a dress, the frillier the better.

Mama had snared Papa by walking down the catwalk in her undies. She knew that she would do the same one day, as her hallowed grandmother had done when she was photographed in a see through skirt.

Besides, she was named after her Grandpa. Charles! Though at times she wanted to change her name to Charlene instead of Charlotte. And her grandpa was King only because great aunty Annie was more interested in horses.

Charlotte wasnt interested in horses or ponies. She preferred unicorns. But she knew SHE was Grandpas special favourite because he never had a daughter. Also because Grandpa had said so to her. He might have said it to her cousin Lilibet as well but she was only a baby, too young to understand and now, too far away to care about.

 

[Lanolin]

We're going to say 25% white trash! It was completely obvious said one of the cruel gossipers on the View.

Is white trash even a real group?

It shore is. Insisted one of the porcelain blondes. Only white trash get their nails done at beauty salons and wear bright red lipstick. They cannot handle life without makeup.

so what is your composition?

A brunetted piped up. She wanted to defend Miss Jenny and say she was 100% Jennymaesian and who even cared.

What is your take Miss Tailfeather? She was from the Cherokee tribe. Before Miss Tailfeather could say anything though, they cut to a commercial break.

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin met with her ministry partner. He was from the opposition, but he said he would look after the sports if she would do the recreation.

what sports do you play?

Oh bit of everything, but my favourite is gumboot throwing.

What? Is that even a sport?

Oh yes you are looking at the 3 times Commonwealth champion. And also, mudrunning.

Wow. What about the Golden Shears? Do you also do that?

Ah the Golden Shears. Yes. My mate from Blenheim is involved with organising that one. What about you?

Im not really into sports. But I love gardening.

Gardening huh?

Yes it needs a bigger profile in this country. Ive got big plans for National Gardening Week. We really need to tell our Agapanthus from our Ageretums.

Agapanthus?

Yes I think it could be our national flower. Or at least in the Northern region, it can survive where Pohutakawa wont grow.

 

[Lanolin]

The Third Baptist Church in Dixieland was getting low on numbers as nobody seeemed attracted to the snakes and would venture in. The two other churches were doing much better.

The elders prayed and it was decided that their sign needed to change. But what sign or wonder could they change the letters to?

The next Sunday a travelling evangelist from Australia visited. They'd already been baptised and had been given the gift of tongues. So it was now time to handle the snakes. The snakes were that day very lethargic and didnt want to wiggle.

You know what this church needs?

Elvis Presley or Johnny Cash background music? suggested one old timer, hopefully. Revival!

No..you need a sign saying FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS. Thats what pulls them in Down Under.

The evangelist was a God send. The next Sunday the new sign was put up and attendance was up when Word got round.

 

[Lanolin]

She's Irish Catholic said Miss Tailfeather.

what? No.

Ok Lets just ring her and ask her to say what she is then we can stop talking about her because this is getting boring. Yawned one Viewer.

Yea I gotta get home and bring the washing in, its looking like it will rain.

Cant your husband do that?

ah no hes in a wheelchair.

The ladies started gossiping about their good-for-nothing lazy husbands.

 

[Lanolin]

Antarctica was hotting up. Since the departure of the ignomious He who must not be named, who had left nothing but a mess, the penguins had been busy cleaning up the place. But not only that they had, in collaboration with Santa and Miss Goodbooks now regained control over Penguin books. The distribution warehouses moved from Australia to Antarctica.

President Lanolin had specified that each shoebox needed to have at least one packet of seeds, either magic beas or sweet peas, her ministry partner Mr Walker ensured there was a supply of balls and toys of all kinds - marbles, knucklebones, tennis balls, snooker balls, rugby balls, bowling balls. Then Miss Goodbooks placed a book in each shoebox with a bookmark.

what about the ice cream, asked the bean counter off Tip Top. That wont really work, said the CEO we will need to supply vouchers, its going to be summer and it will melt enroute. We will set up an icecream delivery mobile truck network all across Lanolinland, for those living too far from the dairy.

Great! BTW do you think that dastardly chieftain has redeemed himself yet? Hes only got a week left.

I have heard nothing favorable or good from him at all this past month. I think his fate will be as the frozen pizzas, Im afraid. He blew up Miss Rubys bridge the other week.

what. So much potential, wasted. Well our icecream trucks cant get to her island if shes got no bridge.

 

[jennymae]

The propaganda machine of Lanolinland had now thrown out all it could muster about Ms Jenny, maybe the propagandists had grown tired of her now? One could only hope. Ms Jenny herself had left the South some 20 years ago, and wasn’t planning on settling down there again. All the fuzz about Ms Jenny and the South didn’t have anything to do with her. Lanovision probably was short on good stories, why else would they start fantasizing about others?