The Banned Game

[Ruby123]

It was the grand opening of Miss Ruby's bridge and it looked better than the original. It was covered in small fairy lights and from above looking down from the sky it looked like a brightly lit triangle. There was also fireworks and a laser show. The champagne was flowing and everybody was in a cheerful mood. Miss Ruby looked beautiful in her elegant gown as did Miss Jenny and Miss Lanolin. Charles, Morty and the clones were also dressed for the occassion in their tuxedos. Miss Ruby's clones were in disguise mixing in with the crowd ready to intervene if anything should occur.

The chieftan and Tzipora also attended as it is a custom to invite all world leaders. Miss Ruby was hoping that he would not pull any pranks. Morty said he would ensure this would not happen. The clones looked particularly groomed as they had had a full makeover and Miss Ruby was at some time during the night going to introduce them to the girls she picked on the dating site. Hopefully they would develop interest in them instead of Alphina and Rosealina ( Ruby Jnr had a name change).

"Eagle One and three" Miss Ruby said. "Follow me, I have some people to introduce you to" She hoped her plan would work.

 

[Moses_Young]

The clones were still somewhat unsure of Miss Ruby's intentions, and whispered to each other as they followed. Eagle One had been somewhat upset to learn of the great Doctor Hyde/Mister Jeckyl's fate. Despite the fact that the scientist of questionable ethics was most clearly mad, the clone had come to enjoy hearing the familiar "mwa ha ha" as he neared the lab, and especially liked being the favourite clone out of the two clone-brothers. He wondered if, when the mad doctor had winked to him indicating he had improved the E-Ruby clones beyond the original, he had reduced somewhat the emotional-overkill relay, making the E-Ruby clones less likely to feed to the alligators those with whom they became temporarily displeased.

Eagle Three kept recounting himself and his brother on one hand, and then the number of girls Miss Ruby had invited to her island on the other.

"Does she expect us to choose more than one?" he asked his older brother confusedly.

"She's just scared we're going to distract Alphina and Rosealina from their chores," explained Eagle One. "By inviting five girls, she thinks they'll be a good chance we'll trade true love for a better model."

"Is there a better model than true love?" asked Eagle Three.

"No," explained Eagle One. "It's just a trick. Similar to what Empress Lanolin of Lanolinland does with the fake news. People believe the fake news, because it provides them with a happier reality than the one they really live in. But eventually, those who buy it realise they've invested in something worthless - something worth less than worthless - something that will even cost them..."

"Yes," replied Eagle Three. "I finally learned my lesson when The Editor of that fake news rag - the Lanolinland Low-down - threw her 703rd chimp to his untimely demise. It took a lot of chimps, but I finally realised that there is no happiness in lies, and that's the only currency the Empress of Lanolinland deals in."

Elsewhere, the lukewarm, fetid wind which was actually the breath of the Lanolinland Low-down, was slowly, tortuously, puffing itself into oblivion. The infamous and unseemly Prusilla, long-ago having dispensed with her army of apes according to Darwin's theory of natural selection, was having to type all the news articles herself, and it showed.

The latest was a round of insidious attacks targeted at the beautiful, breathtaking and magically-haired-if-not-sometimes-somewhat-short-tempered Empress of Jennymaesia, with outlandish accusations that her final 25% might even be Canaanite or Philistine.

"That was the reason I had hesitated," Charles had later explained to his distressed belle, who he had noticed was agitating over his delayed response to her question. "Obviously, I wouldn't love you if your last 25% were Canaanite or Philistine... But if it was, you wouldn't be you, so I would never have loved you in the first place..."

Miss Jenny nodded her head, somewhat reassured, somewhat still hesitantly. Charles put his finger comfortingly to Miss Jenny's lips - "Of course your last 25% is obvious to me, and I love every bit of it, even to the first decimal place."

Miss Jenny smiled, a little happier, but now appearing somewhat worried. "Don't worry," Charles had told her. "A gentleman never tells - your secret 25% is forever safe with me."

Then he had pretended like she had Snow White syndrome again, and that he had to revive her. But that was yesterday - now they were on Eden Island, enjoying the grand opening of Miss Ruby's bridge, and both Charles and Miss Jenny had to admit that it did look better than the original.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Jenny bitchily complained about the View and still didnt reveal her 25%.
Its because she has never been to Lanolinland in her life. The Lanolinlanders who were watching said. Despite being a jet setter, and putting on airs, she has never actually been here, so, what would she even know?

Weve invited her and at the last minute she always changes her mind, and goes off with He who must not be named instead. The two are buddy-buddy.

The Red Queen true to form, reacted badly. The next day, political cartoons all showed the Red Queen with her hang nails and trailer looking at a mirror on the wall asking if she was the fairest.

Ah aint no white trash!
Ah is 50 percent native american!

Were Lanolinlanders born yesterday? You only native if you were born somewhere and grew up there and lived there all your life. If you were 50 percent, what happened to half your life? And what did that have to do with the Blackboard nail salon?

Nobody could believe her except the readers of Royalty Magazine. Kate was still not happy though. She decided to call Hello Magazine.

Hello?

Hello?

Yes we are Hello Magazine.

Its Kate the Great. Listen I need some good PR to knock the Red Queen off the shelves. Can you photograph me in my undies?

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Bluebell wondered if it was safe to come out of the First Baptist church. She and her family had been hiding there since Saturday night ever since Miss Jenny had called her 'hideous'.
She looked out of the shelter and saw a long line forming. Everyone wanted a pedicure. The all ladies wore their church hats so nobody could see their hair.

The men had a separate line but it seemed they wanted to get their feet wet too.

But it was the children who wanted to play with the soap bubbles.

Praise de Lord! clapped Miss Bluebell. Quick grab a towel and basin. We going to do some good ol' fashion feet washin'

If Miss Jenny wants to show her face, she better come here and get the Spirit.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Rubys new bridge was impressive. What is it made from? asked Miss Lanolin. It looked like gold but was it really?

Miss Ruby only smiled. You will have to ask my engineers.

Well I am glad I had those gowns from Megs otherwise I wouldnt have known what to wear Miss Ruby.
What are we meant to do now? Pose for photographs? We do look sensational I suppose.

Miss Lanolin had only been to a few black tie affairs and she was never sure what she was meant to do at them. It seemed Miss Ruby had some matchmaking plans.

This bored Miss Lanolin because the people there looked like clones. Their only topic of conversation was what they looked like, and then they would laugh because of the champagne and tell bon mots. She decided to leave early after watching the light show and the next day go up to visit the Pineapple theatre up in Evereverland on the Kangaroo Express. It was like a train except it was actually a rollercoaster as well.

Miss Lanolin made a mental note to ask the Aussie engineers how they made that one too.
Kevin aka Mr Walker who was accompanying Miss Lanolin on the junket said they to make the most of their time he was planning to catch up with his old mate Lionel and convince him to return to Lanolinland. He needed more coaches for his footy team so he was hoping he would take him up on his offer.

Lionel...is he the guy off Shortland Street? Lionel Skeggins?

Um, well he doesnt live there anymore he's now on Gladioli Boulevard but yes thats him.

I wondered where he'd got to!!

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine had to ask around if anybody had Oceans and Fisheries.

She had lived close to the sea all her life. Her underwater forest was maturing and she wanted to be the one looking after it.

Ministry of Justice wasnt really her cup of tea. It was usually families having a fight over some stupid thing or other, a whole lot of hurt feelings, fines to pay and restraining orders. She didnt want to be in the thick of a dispute cos people didnt know how to handle conflict.

But it looked like she was stuck with it as nobody else wanted that ministry either.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel I think Dr Warner LIKES you, said Keisha, teasing. He's always looking at you

They were sitting in the staffroom having the their tea break. Dr Warner usually had his break at the separate cafe, so they could have a private converstion, as private as anything was on Shortland Street, because they were being constantly filmed.

Yes unfortunately for him. Sighed Rachel.

what? Hes a dish! Even though hes been out with everyone on the set, he hasnt been out with YOU

Oh he has, I went out with him the other night.

What? You didnt tell me?

Well, I was having a bad hair day.

Keisha noted that Rachels green hair had gone back to honey blonde. Though it seemed Dr Warner hadnt been attracted to her hair at all, it was maybe the other parts of her body?

So, what was he like? Spill.

I dont think I should go out with him again. He needs a nurse, not a receptionist. He needs looking after and I cant do that.

What?

He cant handle a ten k run.

Oh said Keisha. Bummer.

Otherwise. hes a nice guy I suppose. Oh well. Someone else will come along.

Well we are working at a medical clinic. The guys that come in arent in the greatest of health.

 

[jennymae]

“Looks like you finally got under the gossip makers in Lanolinland’s skin”, Charles said in a cheerful mood and handed Ms Jenny his phone. “What’s that?” she said curiously. “It’s a story where they’re attacking your ancestry. It’s a new low, even for that low down outlet”, Charles continued. Ms Jenny skimmed through the article. “What a rag mag that is. Can’t they do anything else than mockery?” Charles laughed. “They’re probably trying to make people look at you instead of their own problems”.

He went on. “Rumor has it that the Lanolinland resistance is plotting against the Empress/President of Lanolinland and a coup d’état is imminent.” Ms Jenny gasped. “What will happen now?” Charles leaned forward. “There are two options…do like Pontius Pilate, or you can give her a heads up”.

Ms Jenny didn’t need pondering for long. She couldn’t let this happen even though the rag mags was awful. She picked up the phone and called the Empress/President of Lanolinland and shared her intel with her.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Zipmouth had heard from Madame Doubfire that she was changing the name of the play.
Maybe she would get to swap roles after all.

Oh no said Madame. I havent changed the name. Its still Priscilla, its just the title. King of the desert.

Oh I see, said Miss Zipmouth.

Do you still want to be involved? I can disguise you. You still on the run from Miss Ruby and her rival Miss Jenny arent you?

Well kind of. Those two have seems to have stopped her vendetta against me and turning on others instead. But Im sure Miss Jenny will get a taste of her own medicine sooner or later after she said all that rubbish about me saying I was related to Mr Joe Biden! whatever! As if I didnt know who my own dad is. May he rest in peace.

Madame Doubtfire clucked her tongue. Hens!

 

[Lanolin]

The Kangaroo express was....a bumpy ride. President Lanolin wished she hadnt had champagne as she was feeling sick. Is it going to stop! I want to get off!

Kevin was alarmed. He pulled the cord. Stop the train! Shes going to spew!

Lanolin quickly hurried to the rest stop when the train came to a halt. There was no station it was just red dust. They were in the outback.

How bout we dont get back on. I can hitch a ride with the bogans. It might be smoother.

Uh, said Kevin. Ok Im coming with ya.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine received a call. It was from Australia but this time the ring tone was different.

It was President Lanolins special secret ringtone. Phew, its not Miss Ruby I can pick up.

Pounamu its Lala.

Yes? How are things in OZ?

Fine and sunny. we are in Evereverland now staying at the Burkes. They have a great garden! Listen the kangaroo express was a bit of a write off...I didnt enjoy that one. If Lanolinlanders want to visit they are better off hitching a ride with the bogans which is what we did when we got off Eden Island.

So it is a real place?

Hard to tell, clones everywhere!

The Clones! Gasped Miss Greenlips Hine. Did you get their autograph?

No silly Kevin and I are on a bigger mission. Guess whos living in Everleverland on Galdioli Boulevard now? A former Shortland Street star thats your favourite...

Its not?

Yep the very man. And we are going to get him back.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine was paired up with Mrs Olive who had been a former judge.

Well it looks like I've lucked out! I love justice! said Mrs Olive

Oh really? You dont find it boring?

No I love helping people in a fix. They just need a clear sense of direction when they at the end of their tether and their world has come crashing down. Its empowering.

Huh, well, I never thought of it that way.

It used to be called the Ministry of Revenge, but after we stopped hanging people the govt changed the name.

Oh!

Yes Lanolinland is a very progressive nation, unlike some parts of the world that are still in the dark ages.

 

[Lanolin]

Lanolin had never seen Gladioli Boulevard in all its glory. Burke showed her round and said twice a year it was the biggest drawcard of the Evereverland, apart from the new pineapple theatre. All along its length were gladiolis in every colour of the rainbow.

Gosh said Lanolin. Its very colourful, just like Dame Edna herself. We do have agapanthus in Lanolinland and they are a very distinct shade of royal purple. Not quite the same as her hair, but we have huge banks of them by the road sides. Nothing can kill them. Im afraid when I grow Gladiolis, they seem to be attacked by rust.

Possibly its too humid where you are? They like a bit drier..perfect desert flower.

They walked along the boulevard enjoying the flowers. At number 1678 they saw Kevin waving at them, from the verandah of a house. Burke! Got time for a cold one? Bring Miss Lanolin.

It was the local pub and they had a drink. Kevin was in the middle of a game of darts. People were shouting and rowdy but it was only because one of his mates had hit the bulls eye.

Good throw Lionel! This rounds on me said Kevin.

Lanolin was happy to see him but wondered where in world was Kirsty. She wondered if she ought to tell him that Rachel Hunter was now the receptionist at Shortland Street.

President Lanolin! What brings you to Evereverland?!

Um Miss Greenlips Hine said she wants you back...on Shortland Street. Im just passing on the message.

Uh well. Im tied up with DEAD right now. But my co-star is keen to come to Lanolinland. Shes from Tattooine. She's a great actress. We call her Miss Zipmouth.

Thats an unusual name.

She has a cute baby girl called Jade. You'll adore her.

I better not tell Miss Greenlips Hine, thought Lanolin. She might faint. Half her whanau is here - I just saw the Chippettes, this morning I saw some guinea pigs dressed as possums. And every where I look there's Mozzies (Maori Aussies) pretending to be bogans.

 

[Moses_Young]

The Great Chieftain of Mosestaria rubbed his hands together in glee. The deadly-but-amazingly-shaped warrioress Tzipora, who was also with him, had to remind him that people were watching and might be suspicious he was plotting something if he didn't stop with the super-villain mannerisms. Bubba was getting much bigger now on a healthy diet of limitless raw milk, and Tzipora was somewhat worried that she might have to deal with the unpleasantness of bumping into the Empress of Lanolinland and having to explain to other guests that she had rescued her son from a wicked cult leader, rather than how the Empress's fake news would likely portray the sequence of events.

The Great Chieftain, having heeded Tzipora's warning and doing his best not to scheme any pranks, noted approvingly the beautiful, dark-haired women whom his arch-nemesis had employed to celebrate the grand opening of her bridge. All of them bore a striking resemblance to E-Ruby, he noted, but there was something different about them..... something..... improved. He even wondered if in fact E-Ruby had twenty sisters who were somehow better than her, in some way.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a familiar voice.

“Looks like you finally got under the gossip makers in Lanolinland’s skin”, Eagle Two was speaking to an Empress with clearly magical hair. The Chieftain almost didn't recognise her for a moment or two, as she looked more stunning than usual.

"Ah, if it isn't my esteemed associate, the Empress of Lanolinland, and my defecti... errrr.... miraculously-cured clone," he smiled broadly, exposing a gold tooth that seemed to wink that it empathised with the Jennymaesian rulers being caught in a web of Lanolinland lies.

Miss Jenny put her finger to her lips and then gestured to her phone, to indicate she was speaking on the phone.

The Great Chieftain could gather from her conversation that she had called the Empress of Lanolinland. He didn't blame Miss Jenny. If he had needed to speak to the Empress of Lanolinland, even though she was present at the grand opening of Miss Ruby's bridge, he would have called her, also. The Great Chieftain was not a great believer in the virus-theory of disease, but if there were even a grain of truth to the theory, Empress Lanolin would be the one to make that truth reality. He thought grimly about the veiled threats he had heard from the Lanolinland fake news, and wondered if indeed "Red October" would be the month the Lanolinland Communists finally caught up with him. Brave, loyal and aesthetically-pleasing Tzipora was at his side, but these days, she was regularly occupied for modesty's sake with Bubba, and the Lanolinlanders were known for fighting dirty.

The Great Chieftain's thoughts were again interrupted when Charles showed Tzipora his phone, and Tzipora in turn put a comforting arm on Miss Jenny's shoulder.

"Don't worry about the Lanolinland Fake News, Miss Jenny," Tzipora explained kindly to the Empress as the Empress ended her call. "They tried to attack my ancestry, also."

"But the truth is," the Great Chieftain explained, "the more they get caught out for lying, the less they'll be believed. And lately, they've been caught out so often, people are beginning to smell a rat..."

"I think it's more serious than that," explained Miss Jenny. "I just finished talking with Empress Lanolin. Not only have the people smelled the rat, they have trapped her in an Eden-Island-shaped cage..."

 

[Lanolin]

Viewers who had been following Lanolinlands primetime seven days a week soap opera were treated with a new look Shortland Street that was addictive as anything else that was on TV - certainly much more entertaining than watching boring old politics and reality series.

Any soap opera aficianado knew it was all about relationships, who was seeing who, who fancied who, and who was going to end up in the hospital bed on a stretcher hooked up to an IV.

Dr Chris Warner had fallen in love with another Rachel. Who had the same name as his old flame. Things were bound to get confusing.
Mrs Hairy was the first ever chimp patient and she was causing a stir. She was also campaigning to be the President of Ferndale Zoo.
The staff were training for the Round the Bays fun run.
Keisha the new ambulance driver was also flying the new Shortland Street rescue helicopter. Since Shortland Street was now offering veterinary services, they had been able to fund a helicopter that was now bringing in more patients that had got stuck up volcanoes and on remote beaches. The female staff at Shortland Street now had more adventurous types to nurse (and date) and furry creatures to dote on.
And last but not least, Lionel was back.

The writers were going to imply he had amnesia again. There was also a plot to fill Shortland Street with clones and test tube babies and extend it to include a maternity wing. But that plotline was quietly dropped.

Instead, Lionel teamed up with Shortlands Streets Florist to try and track down his ex wife Kirsty who had also suffered amnesia, forgetting she had ever loved him. And then there was now an exotic new patient who suffered a bashing from her bogan ex-partner in Australia and had run away with her baby daughter and become a selective mute. She couldnt speak but she was an ace footy player.

 

[Lanolin]

Madame Doubtfire had a few casting issues with Priscilla and now the Nativity play looked like a no show without her star Bubba.

She was mildly panicking. All the talent was leaving for Lanolinland! What will the Royal family think when we arent able to give them a command performance? The Pineapple theatre might sink without a trace!

Dame Edna would have to give a solo aria at the Sydney Opera House and then it will all be over!

 

[Lanolin]

Sir Peter was getting ready for the premiere of It came from Mosestaria. It was the showcase film in Wellywoods Horror Film Festival, and everyone invited to the premiere was to come wearing their ugliest costume and makeup, and there would be free candy/lollies/sweets for everyone that did.

Tip Top Icecream was busy making choc bombs in Antarctica to send over for the big night, on 31 October.

Then there was going to be a big street party on the steepest Street near the weta workshop where everyone would roll their jaffas down and lolly scramble for those who couldnt wear goth eyeshadow, fake blood, guts, fangs, fake nails, fright wigs, and green lipstick.

 

[Lanolin]

At least the Chippettes had stayed behind in Evereverland...except they were scheduled to tour the next month to Lanolinland. Madame Doubtfire picked a song for them. If the royals arent coming then we go for broke. I hope Dame Edna approves as its not Waltzing Matilda or AC/DC

The Chippettes performed a Lanolinland song

 

[Lanolin]

Long running American publication MAD Magazine ran a special royal collectors edition issue on the Empresses

The Red Queen Empress Jenny I was caricatured with her fake nails and cloned fiance from the illegal Mosetarian cloning factory. I'll call him Charles, make sure hes got a plummy accent be seen holding my handbag at all times.

Mascara Queen Empress Ruby was also caricatured as a Kangaroo with fake eyelashes and 20 clones she had ordered, also from the illegal Mosetarian Cloning factory. Make them look like Jessica Rabbit! it said in the speech bubble coming out of her mouth.

Sorry, said the Mosetarian cloner called Morty the Mortician. We've reached our quota of cloned rabbits. We can do possums instead?

Dame Edna and Santa Claus weren't carictatured. They appeared just as themselves.

President Lanolin wasnt in the issue either as she wasnt royal, she was just a President and presidents were boring. Nobody wanted to read about them.

Kate the Great appeared in her bikini underwear though in the fold together back page. Camilla also appeared in her bra and granny pants and King Charles also in his long johns, crystal ball, boomerang and santa's hat.

 

[Lanolin]

It looked like DEAD was going to fold if the haemmorage to Lanolinland would not be stemmed. Dame Edna got in touch with MTV and the Kardashians. They invited her on to The View to discuss her new adoption. The housewives were fascinated that a celeb would adopt. But Miss Zipmouth had left with HER star bubba so Dame Edna now desperately looked for another.

It was shown in Dixieland, Rubyland, and Evereverland. It even got on You-Tube.

Comments were closed, if people wanted to comment they could just spread their ire about it on CC. And blame Lanolin as usual.