The Banned Game

[jennymae]

The infamous author Ms Née spent a worthless hour of her life reading wasted amounts of words from the mockery industry. I wonder what those two girls have done to deserve so much flak. They’re really putting in an effort to make them look like trashy honky-tonk gals. Who’s the person behind all this? Hmm, a woman sprinkling her texts with excerpts from a randomly chosen variety of literature, where she always gets portrayed in the most favorable way. Such snobbery, she decided. Intellectual snobbery that is.

The texts are not really working. There is no direction, apart from the bad Ms Jenny/Ms Ruby theme which everything is revolving around. It’s like being hangover reading George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

Ms Née sighed and poured herself some more sweet iced tea with fresh lemon. There’s gotta be some sort of conflict here, she said to her old cat. What is that conflict? The cat offered nothing in response but a real quick stroll across her keyboard. Usually he spent at least five minutes to cross, so this was an improvement from his standard ways.

Self esteem issues? What say you, cat? The cat just stared at her. He thought all of this was dumb and that Ms Née rather ought to start minding her own business.

 

[Ruby123]

The opening of the bridge was a huge success. It made headlines around the world as well as Wikipedia. Even Mr Musk took photos of it from outer space which is where I think he comes from. The fireworks were state of the art as was the laser show. Miss Ruby had her triangle of bridges adjoining the three land masses together. She had a army of beautiful but fierce fighters and Morty by her side. On the evening of the opening Morty surprised Miss Ruby with a wonderful unexpected gift. She was completely surprised. It was the cutest black and white patchy kitten. It made their family unit complete for now.

Miss Ruby wondered what she was going to do with Barry Island. Now that it was free from bogans she and Morty brain stormed as to what type of industry the island should have. Morty being half French suggested producing perfume. Miss Ruby was delighted with the suggestion and so they googled how to make perfume. It seemed that it was quite viable. So perfume it was. Next step come up with a name and a attractive bottle.

 

[shittim]

Mrs. Hairy sought Mr. Hairys' input as he is now attempting to sell perfume bottles in bulk to perfume producers all over the world. Sales have been slow, with some potential buyers unimpressed by the style, Hairy doesn't know why.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Jenny couldnt think of anything to write so she spewed her guts out on CC hoping ppl would feel sorry for her. But nobody bought it.
She was an angry bitter woman, and everyone knew it.

Bobbie Jo had found a tiara at Goodwill and was planning on wearing it at the Sweet Winn Dixie High home coming Queen Parade and this time nobody could stop her.

Mah sister has always been a real Judas, said Bobbie Jo . Money an power have corrupted her. She looked down at her pretty pink toes and admired her free pedicure

Miss Dolly, who was was no stranger to white trash-dom, said she looked real pretty in pink and that Miss Tailfeather was also beautiful as she was also having a pow wow of her own at the end of it. Miss Bluebell and her family saw the parade and said I can forgive anything except anyone who grieves the Holy Spirit wont make it in the next life.

Maggie Mae had been born again when she found the free coffee and donuts at the third baptist Church. She was now reading her Bible with a fine tooth comb.

The Blackboard nail salon changed hands and became the Whiteboard Nail Salon, but it didnt have the same ring to it.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Olive was easing Miss Greenlips Hine into her role. The first thing we are going to do is judge the Lanolinland Picture Book Awards. I promise you it wont be boring.

Miss Greenlips Hine said she wasnt sure about being a judge. She usually let President Lanolin do it as judging wasnt her thing.

The books started to arrive at the Beehive. Miss Goodbooks had sent a whole box.

Miss Greenlips Hine picked up one. I'm biased though, this ones Mrs Hairys Queen Kong and the Seven Guinea Pigs. I looked after those guinea pigs.

Were you friends with the author?

Oh yes I know Mrs Hairy quite well. Shes looking after The Chipmunks.

Oh said Mrs Olive. In that case ...we need an impartial judge. That disqualifies you.

um...how about we get Baby Jade to judge these books? She's the one whos going to read them.

Excellent idea.

 

[Lanolin]

There was a distinct buzz among nerd-geeks in Lanolinland as the Horror Film Festival was coming to town.
There would be a midnight showing of It came from Mosestaria and everyone was dying to see it.

I heard that Baby Yagas in it.
Baby Yaga? The ugliest baby in Mosestaria! oooh

Is Keisha in it again?

No it seems like its a cast of unknown bogans.

Did you know Mr Hulk was actually killed off the set? By Miss Ruby.

Dont spoil it!

Lets all dress as bogans for this one.

Do bogans wear glasses?

Wear your 3D one sthat look like Raybans.

Im getting a fake tattoo.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Née’s old cat pointed at the incoming pamphlet. How nice of you to inform me, Ms Née said and gave her cat a smile. Now, let’s see what the word of today is. Hmm, looks like this Ms Jenny is in for it now. An angry bitter woman… Ms Née wondered if the raggy hag mags had gone through a layoff. The wanna be elegance of which had been a hallmark of the pamphlets before seemed to have vanished. Now it was just juvenile mud slinging. Maybe they were showing their true colors now? Or maybe they were adjusting to the true bogans and hillbillies reading the magazines? Follow the money trail and so forth, she said to her antique mirror.

 

[Lanolin]

When President Lanolin got back to the Beehive, some crows were outside her window.

cack cack cack cack

What, Miss Jenny's unhappy?

cack cack cack cack

aw. Well I cant do anything bout that. she should talk to her fiance.

cack cack cack

the wedding? I dont know, Im no relation and I dont really want to be a bridesmaid. Hasnt she got dozens of sisters?

Cack cack cack cack

well you just say sorry I cant make it this time but shes welcome to honeymoon on Great Barrier Island.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine said President Lanolin, you should give Miss Jenny a wedding gift, something unique from Lanolinland, since you cant make the wedding.

I dont know, Miss jenny has expensive tastes. She might look down on what we give her.

How about some special mud from Rotovegas?

um..

Or Bee Venom moisturiser?

Shes probably got everything already.

Lanolin? I mean the body lotion, not you.

I dont know, it has to be something meaningful that she could never buy.

Salvation?

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine offered to make some kawakawa salve for Miss Jenny

I have some spare the ones the Chipmunks didnt eat.

Ok, President Lanolin was a bit doubtful that Miss Jenny would like it, since she'd snubbed all her other gifts but she decided to forget about that and forgive her.

It is green, but Miss Jenny has to try new colours. Anyway, it goes on clear and its soothing for the skin. Its just got beeswax, kawakawa and some vitamin E.

Scented?
Well it just smells like kawakawa...kind of minty with a bit of pepper kick to it.

Ok. well if she doesnt like it we will soon hear about it I suppose.

 

[Lanolin]

After a busy week hobnobbing with Miss Ruby's clones, finding Lionel, Baby Jade, her mother AND the Chippettes and bringing them all back to Lanolinland, President Lanolin was exhausted.

She was going to head to her hammock and read, but Miss Greenlips Hine said Shortland Street was on and insisted she had to see the latest episode.

Its getting good again! The plots are so thick that you cant even see the holes! Way better than Home and Away.

oh ok.

Dr Chris Warner was trying to romance the new Rachel. Rachels hair had returned to original honey blonde and was turning heads. She'd even got a new 'Rachel' cut. Dr Warner had to fight off all the other male Shortland Street staff for Rachels attention.

He challenged them all to a rugby game where he would be playing Team Rachel, and the other was going to be Team Zipmouth. He figured if he couldnt do a ten k run he could at least kick a ball over a post or have a try.

The new patient was recovering from sports injuries but she was a selective mute so she didnt say much out loud. Mrs Hairy taught her sign langauge and there were now subtitle captions so viewers could translate what they were saying.

Keisha had rescued some Chipmunks stuck up a tree and bought them to Shortland Street to have their vaccinations and check ups.

 

[Lanolin]

Poor Miss Jenny thought Miss Dolly. She obviously never read anything in her life but propaganda pamphlets ie. hillbilly rags and back issues of Vogue magazine that got thrown in the dumpster - eurotrash.

Well I hope shes making good use of mah Mobile Library I lent her or she'll find it reposessed. Ahm not happy with folks who dont bring back their books they done borrow

She went back to working on her Imagination Library. Every bubba in Dixieland now got a free book from the year they were born and free tickets to Dollywood.


Santa Claus had worked his magic on Miss Dolly as well.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel opened her mail that was left in her pigeonhole in the staff lockers at Shortland Street

It was a letter

Congratulations Miss Hunter!
You have won best book in the category of Vanity publications for Rachel Hunter's Tour of Beauty!

Your book was voted best out of Reese Witherspoons Whiskey in a Teacup, Candace Cameron's Kind is the New Classy , and Gwyneth Paltrows Its All Good.

Please can you make it to the official awards ceremony to be held at the Zoom Screenatorium at Whoa! studios in Auckland. Friday November 11th 2pm

 

[jennymae]

This is odd, Ms Née said to her cat, the president of that country we have been talking about, is receiving her news from birds. Wouldn’t you say that is a humdinger? The cat nodded, or he was just doing a usual cat thing.

Why do you think she’s so obsessed with the intellectual capacity of that girl…you know, that girl Ms Jenny? Do you judge a book by its cover? I mean, she’s ginger, but does that make her an ignorant? Oh, she’s southern, that makes sense…they’re generally known for their stupidity.

What about the aggressor? That kiwi woman. Yeah, you know. Maybe she’s lost at sea? Have you ever considered that the Kiwi islands are a ship not coming in? Just like the Flying Dutchman?

The old cat didn’t like the direction this was going. She’s just a girl unpleasant about her position, he said, both of them.

 

[jennymae]

Don’t you think it’s a bit odd that this Ms Jenny character hasn’t read any books at all? Ms Née said to her cat. The cat initially said nothing, but finally found reason to say a cat thing out loud. Thing is, you see, my dear cat owner, how’s she treating her cat? How’s that Kiwi woman treating her cat? Given she has one.

What’s that to you? Ms Née said irritated. We’re arguing about class here, not cat stuff. That’s right, the cat said thoughtfully, but I think that Ms Jenny character hasn’t read anything but Faulkner and Hemingway and some other authors somehow linked to the Gulf coast. How do you know this? you’re just a cat, Ms Née was surprised to say the least.

Authors are all the same, Mr cat elaborated, they wish, they write, they whine.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine said wait in, wasnt Miss Jenny ALREADY married? To the chieftain?
Why's she marrying Charles? Who's Charles? Didnt the guinea pigs go to her wedding and eat carrot cake?

I actually dont know I think its just someone she made up cos she couldnt think of any one better. But we have to humour her I guess. Honestly. I dont know what happened to her first marriage. She never talks about it. It was probabaly all a sham which is why I probably wont make it to her second.

What about Miss Ruby?
Miss Ruby married her cats. Oh no wait on she married Mr Hulk. No. She married Morty the mortician. I cant keep up.

Huh. Well what about Mrs Hairy?

Shes married to Mr Hairy.

Right...

And Dame Edna is married to Santa Claus.

What? Thats news to me.

Oh do keep up Miss Greenlips Hine.

What about Miss Zipmouth?

No shes not married.

Ok hold on while I write this family tree on the white board.


Kirsty and Lionel were married then divorced, and then Kirsty married Darryl who tried to murder her, Lionel married Ingrid, and she tried to murder him...and then they both got amnesia.

Are You sure?

Well as far as I know. I dont want to have to watch Shortland Street all over again to tell you what happened.

What about Dr Warner?

Dr Warner married Alison, then Tiffany, then Rachel McKenna and Grace Kwan.

ok. And now hes sweet on Rachel Hunter.

Yes.

And Rachel Hunter married Rod Stewart. But she left him and got then got engaged and then stood up at the altar by...Robbie Williams

No I dont think it was him, but anyway. You can ask her yourself.

Oh well its all very confusing. I think we should stick to politics.

Yea just do your job Miss Greenlips Hine. You are getting good at it. Just stick with it.

Oh. Justice. People say they always hate social justice warriors.

Oh, but in this job, everyone will, find a reason to hate you anyway!

True

 

[Lanolin]

Whats this Mrs Hairy? said Alvin
He was looking at her perfume bottle. A gift for us?

Theodore picked it up and examined it. Its the three of us! See no evil, speak no evil and Hear no evil!

Simon sniffed it hoping the contents were drinkable but instead he seemed to get high on the contents and his eyes turned to little love hearts.

It smells like what the Chippettes wear..he said dreamily.

 

[Lanolin]

I didnt know Dame Edna got married to Santa Claus?! When? We must give her a wedding gift.

Uh Miss Greenlips Hine she probably already has all the gifts in the entire world. She married SANTA CLAUS.

oh right. But I think she'd appreciate the kawakawa salve better than Miss Jenny would.

Well you can always give them both?

mmm I supoose, we have to be fair...

whats wrong, dont you like Miss Jenny?

Oh I dont know I just had this feeling like she was giving me the evils just because of my green lips.

well she probably doesnt understand what a moko kauae is. Sometimes you have to forgive people their cultural ignorance.

I suppose, but she can always look it up on google cant she?

well dont worry about her, she cant give you the evils here, shes not spamming you, and its not really her fault she's a snob.

I suppose. But what about Miss Zipmouth? Shes Jades mother. And Miss Jenny wanted to kill her.

um..ok now why would she want to do a crazy thing like that?

I have no idea

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Zipmouth moved into the nurses flat she was sharing with Keisha and Rachel. On odd days she took Baby Jade to the Chipmunks playground and on even days she hung round the set at the Shortland street creche. She had plenty of company and the doctors and nurses doted on her.

Rachel helped Miss ZIpmouth settle in organising her residency. They were overjoyed that Baby Jade had returned 'home' and hoped that she would stay and nothing could threaten her life again. No living in fear of rival Empresses, or absentee fathers...Godmama Lanolin beefed up national security with a screening process for new migrants. They had to pass the five love languages test, know how to say 'I love you' in five different langauges, sing the national anthem, name five important Lanolinland items (blindfolded) and taste five different Lanolinland foods. They also had to register their names and ages for SSSS. Secret Southern Santa Stash.

I know it might be different from what you used to Miss Zipmouth but we dont try and control people here or judge people only on what they look like. You dont have to disguise yourself, you can just be yourself. And there is a lot more interesting foods here to try than frozen pizza. Also, if you like reading, the libraries are the best!

Keisha laughed. I think President Lanolin told you to say that Rachel .

well..look compared to LA Lanolinland is easy. Im a Lanolinland Gal at heart, and we hope you will be too.

 

[Lanolin]

Please sign here...

Miss Zipmouth signed for a parcel. It was a box of books for Baby Jade. She was going to be the judge of the Lanolinland picture book awards.
oh look Jade...Queen Kong and the seven guinea pigs! By Mrs Hairy....

I need a new Bum! By Dawn McMillan...funny

whats this one? Beauty vs Beast? A scary one!

The Throne...a potty training book for royals. haha well...

Ruby's Worry? mmm I dont know, sounds depressing

oh wait on...what's this. She pulled out a set that had a slipcover on it. The first five picture books of Moses? It doesnt seem to have any words inside. I guess we just make up our own story to this one.

Jade clapped her hands.