The false teaching that a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man........

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Nov 25, 2014
942
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0
#21
I dislike sayings like this because they're flip and they basically attempt to flatten out all the nuance of really challenging issues...like the issue of finding a compatible spouse.

If you just glance through the boards here you'll see about 758 philosophies of how it should be done: she should patiently wait, she should actively seek, she should subvertly seek, she should be her comfortable self, she should "gussy" up because men are eye-creatures, she should make a list of everything she wants in a man and pray over it each day, she should let go of lists and let God, he should pray and fast, he should hit the gym because his "temple" shows his true leadership, he should forget about externals and build an inner life with God, he should cultivate friendships with women, he should avoid friendships with women, he should be constantly dating until he gets the one, he should abstain from dating and let God reveal the one to him, there is no "one" get out there and meet people, etc., ad nauseum.

And here's the deal, ALL of these are true. There are people who have met their future spouses in ALL OF THESE WAYS. The problem with marrieds advising singles about how to be single is that they tend to generalize their way of spousing and apply it to everyone. So, if they "stopped caring about having a spouse," they'll presume that's the magical unicorn trick that motivated God to move on their behalf. If they "went out and sought" a spouse, they'll presume that's the key that opened the floodgates of the universe.

But the REALITY of most single people is much more complicated. There are no tricks. We might try all 758 philosophies and never get married. We might presume that we are the problem and devote ourselves to self-improvement and never get married. We might go zen and let it go and still never get married.

Here's why: God is not a magic Santa in the sky. You can't manipulate Him with your behavior or your thinking.

So, my best advice is to submit yourself to God's will for your life...whatever that is. For some of you it may mean slowing down and stopping a search, for others it may mean gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team. I can guarantee that for pretty much everyone it will involve pushing your boundaries in some way. But then, the Christian life is about being fearless.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#22
The funny thing is when you finally gave up and you just dont care anymore whether you will get married or not, usually out of the blue life will happen. We shouldnt really take life seriously because life has a weird sense of humor.
 
P

pete13

Guest
#23
I dislike sayings like this because they're flip and they basically attempt to flatten out all the nuance of really challenging issues...like the issue of finding a compatible spouse.

If you just glance through the boards here you'll see about 758 philosophies of how it should be done: she should patiently wait, she should actively seek, she should subvertly seek, she should be her comfortable self, she should "gussy" up because men are eye-creatures, she should make a list of everything she wants in a man and pray over it each day, she should let go of lists and let God, he should pray and fast, he should hit the gym because his "temple" shows his true leadership, he should forget about externals and build an inner life with God, he should cultivate friendships with women, he should avoid friendships with women, he should be constantly dating until he gets the one, he should abstain from dating and let God reveal the one to him, there is no "one" get out there and meet people, etc., ad nauseum.

And here's the deal, ALL of these are true. There are people who have met their future spouses in ALL OF THESE WAYS. The problem with marrieds advising singles about how to be single is that they tend to generalize their way of spousing and apply it to everyone. So, if they "stopped caring about having a spouse," they'll presume that's the magical unicorn trick that motivated God to move on their behalf. If they "went out and sought" a spouse, they'll presume that's the key that opened the floodgates of the universe.

But the REALITY of most single people is much more complicated. There are no tricks. We might try all 758 philosophies and never get married. We might presume that we are the problem and devote ourselves to self-improvement and never get married. We might go zen and let it go and still never get married.

Here's why: God is not a magic Santa in the sky. You can't manipulate Him with your behavior or your thinking.

So, my best advice is to submit yourself to God's will for your life...whatever that is. For some of you it may mean slowing down and stopping a search, for others it may mean gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team. I can guarantee that for pretty much everyone it will involve pushing your boundaries in some way. But then, the Christian life is about being fearless.
I kind of agree with your opinion except the part where you said that your best advice is that a Christian should submit his/he self to God's will for your life...whatever that is. For some of you it may mean slowing down and stopping a search, for others it may mean gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team. I disagree because if you seek you will surely find. If a Christian woman seeks and makes a good effort on her own part to find a Christian husband she will find. I have spoken to several Christian women who complain about how all men are evil cheats and about how they can’t find good Christian husbands. On the other hand, I have also spoken to several Christian men who complain that they can’t find Christian wives. This probably means that there are few but enough Christian partners but they are not just finding each other. May be one reason they are not finding each other is because of the effects false sayings like a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just to find her[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]have on Christian women. I agree with you saying that for some Christians it means gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team but I disagree with you advising some Christians to slow down their search. How does slowing down your search get you a good Christian partner? That’s like you telling a Nascar race driver to slow down on the accelerator in order to win the race after all God will make him win the race. What have you done on your own path to find a partner? Did you just sit down and wait to be found? Or where you mature enough to go out will intelligence to make an effort on your part to find a Christian partner? There is no logic in slowing down your search. I believe the truth is that, if you seek you will find or you will be found but if you just sit to be found then there is a higher chance that you will not find and that you will not be found. You should actively search until you find.
 
C

coby

Guest
#24
I kind of agree with your opinion except the part where you said that your best advice is that a Christian should submit his/he self to God's will for your life...whatever that is. For some of you it may mean slowing down and stopping a search, for others it may mean gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team. I disagree because if you seek you will surely find. If a Christian woman seeks and makes a good effort on her own part to find a Christian husband she will find. I have spoken to several Christian women who complain about how all men are evil cheats and about how they can’t find good Christian husbands. On the other hand, I have also spoken to several Christian men who complain that they can’t find Christian wives. This probably means that there are few but enough Christian partners but they are not just finding each other. May be one reason they are not finding each other is because of the effects false sayings like a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just to find her[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]have on Christian women. I agree with you saying that for some Christians it means gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team but I disagree with you advising some Christians to slow down their search. How does slowing down your search get you a good Christian partner? That’s like you telling a Nascar race driver to slow down on the accelerator in order to win the race after all God will make him win the race. What have you done on your own path to find a partner? Did you just sit down and wait to be found? Or where you mature enough to go out will intelligence to make an effort on your part to find a Christian partner? There is no logic in slowing down your search. I believe the truth is that, if you seek you will find or you will be found but if you just sit to be found then there is a higher chance that you will not find and that you will not be found. You should actively search until you find.
I found my ex when I simply gave up and didn't expect anyone the next 10 years. I never did anything anyway. There wasn't even internet or dating sites. I just stopped asking God to send one for a few years and just thought: if He doesn't want it so be it.
I went to a new church because the old one was boring and I heard there was a move of God there. Met him there. He did effort to talk to me. I thought: what does he want from me? Go away! Didn't even see him at first. He was on the podium but I always had my eyes closed and concentrated on the Lord. Heard some gossip about him that he had a lot of girlfriends so I ignored him and was very unfriendly LOL. How much effort should you do? He did all the effort hahahahaha. Asked a few others out from church. Then I came there new. He called me with spiritual sounding excuses.
He now found a woman from Brazil on a dating site. Noone wants that. Most are after your money. He was on those sites for a long time and it was fruitless. Then he said: God I want a wife now or I will just stay alone if You want that. He logged in one more time to remove his account and then saw her. He wants to help singles from church, also prayed for me. But then he advised me to do the same thing and of course it was a disaster. If God wants me to go to a dating site He can simply tell me. So far I didn't hear Him say it. I only got a dream of a Prince on a white horse and that was Him. If you're sure He wants you to have someone now, why not ask Him where to look? That slave from Abraham had to travel a long time. Maybe just put in your profile: Who wants to give my camels a drink?
 
Nov 25, 2014
942
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#25
I've also known Christians who were determined to get married come hell or high water. They went out "seeking" and managed by their own power to get married. And then life went to hell. They THOUGHT they needed to be married, they DETERMINED they would marry, they JUSTIFIED their desires based on lots of scriptures and the approval of society for being married over not being married, they ACTED on this and MADE IT HAPPEN. And then they discovered that they'd made a covenant with a horror of a human being, or they realized that marriage was not what they envisioned and they didn't really want it, etc.

You'll notice the FAMILIAR refrain to this story is that they didn't actually seek GOD'S WILL for their lives. They had a DESIRE and they made happen. They didn't question whether this desire was from God. They didn't ask God how they should address this desire. They did their will and they got the results for it.

I don't EVER think it's a mistake to tell people to SUBMIT TO GOD. The whole POINT of submitting to God is that we seek HIS WILL and then act. If you feel comfortable telling people to act regardless of God's will, then have at it.


I kind of agree with your opinion except the part where you said that your best advice is that a Christian should submit his/he self to God's will for your life...whatever that is. For some of you it may mean slowing down and stopping a search, for others it may mean gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team. I disagree because if you seek you will surely find. If a Christian woman seeks and makes a good effort on her own part to find a Christian husband she will find. I have spoken to several Christian women who complain about how all men are evil cheats and about how they can’t find good Christian husbands. On the other hand, I have also spoken to several Christian men who complain that they can’t find Christian wives. This probably means that there are few but enough Christian partners but they are not just finding each other. May be one reason they are not finding each other is because of the effects false sayings like a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just to find herhave on Christian women. I agree with you saying that for some Christians it means gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team but I disagree with you advising some Christians to slow down their search. How does slowing down your search get you a good Christian partner? That’s like you telling a Nascar race driver to slow down on the accelerator in order to win the race after all God will make him win the race. What have you done on your own path to find a partner? Did you just sit down and wait to be found? Or where you mature enough to go out will intelligence to make an effort on your part to find a Christian partner? There is no logic in slowing down your search. I believe the truth is that, if you seek you will find or you will be found but if you just sit to be found then there is a higher chance that you will not find and that you will not be found. You should actively search until you find.
 
R

RissaBug

Guest
#26
If I could, I'd put a mic in PoetMary's hands just so she could drop it. I completely agree. With everything.

I have a question for the OP, based on what you said here:

If a Christian woman seeks and makes a good effort on her own part to find a Christian husband she will find. ... I believe the truth is that, if you seek you will find or you will be found but if you just sit to be found then there is a higher chance that you will not find and that you will not be found. You should actively search until you find.
I don't "sit to be found," pining at the idea that the man on the 4th pew might look my direction. If I want to get to know him, I introduce myself. I'll invite him to join my friends on outings. I cook at my house often and invite friends, and I would ask him to come too. I become a friend, just as I would to a female sitting on the 4th pew. Is that seeking if I treat him the same as any other person? It's not sitting to be found. But I'm not a huntress. I don't flirt to get attention. I don't drop hints that I'm single and wanting, ask for a man's number or invite him on a date. I could. I'm a strong-minded lady. I know what I want. But I'm not a manipulator and I'm not about to lead a romance.

SO what exactly do you mean by having a woman seek? Because honest to goodness, I don't respond well to flirtation from a man who has not made his intentions clearly known. If he drops hints and one-liners, he becomes creepy. And strangers don't get my number or a date. Is that seeking? If it is, then I want no part of it.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#27
The funny thing is when you finally gave up and you just dont care anymore whether you will get married or not, usually out of the blue life will happen. We shouldnt really take life seriously because life has a weird sense of humor.
People say this but I don't see it.
 

Kimber321

Senior Member
Jan 31, 2011
119
7
18
#29
This is actually a quote from Maya Angelou.
 
P

pete13

Guest
#30
I've also known Christians who were determined to get married come hell or high water. They went out "seeking" and managed by their own power to get married. And then life went to hell. They THOUGHT they needed to be married, they DETERMINED they would marry, they JUSTIFIED their desires based on lots of scriptures and the approval of society for being married over not being married, they ACTED on this and MADE IT HAPPEN. And then they discovered that they'd made a covenant with a horror of a human being, or they realized that marriage was not what they envisioned and they didn't really want it, etc.

You'll notice the FAMILIAR refrain to this story is that they didn't actually seek GOD'S WILL for their lives. They had a DESIRE and they made happen. They didn't question whether this desire was from God. They didn't ask God how they should address this desire. They did their will and they got the results for it.

I don't EVER think it's a mistake to tell people to SUBMIT TO GOD. The whole POINT of submitting to God is that we seek HIS WILL and then act. If you feel comfortable telling people to act regardless of God's will, then have at it.
You said that some Christians have made an effort like I advised but yet they were not successful. This is where the intelligence comes in. If a woman is going to make an effort then she has to be intelligent to find a true Christian partner. For example she needs to have the maturity and intelligence to spot a false Christian from a true Christian, may be the person you are referring to made an effort on her own path but she didn’t have the intelligence to spot a false Christian from a true Christian. Have you read the book of psalms? If you have you will discover that David knelt down to pray to God for help right before he went to war. David may have asked God for help but he still had to physically wage war on evil with arrows and chariots. Similarly you should submit yourself to God when seeking a partner but you still have to physically make an effort on your own part to find a partner.
 
P

pete13

Guest
#31
If I could, I'd put a mic in PoetMary's hands just so she could drop it. I completely agree. With everything.

I have a question for the OP, based on what you said here:



I don't "sit to be found," pining at the idea that the man on the 4th pew might look my direction. If I want to get to know him, I introduce myself. I'll invite him to join my friends on outings. I cook at my house often and invite friends, and I would ask him to come too. I become a friend, just as I would to a female sitting on the 4th pew. Is that seeking if I treat him the same as any other person? It's not sitting to be found. But I'm not a huntress. I don't flirt to get attention. I don't drop hints that I'm single and wanting, ask for a man's number or invite him on a date. I could. I'm a strong-minded lady. I know what I want. But I'm not a manipulator and I'm not about to lead a romance.

SO what exactly do you mean by having a woman seek? Because honest to goodness, I don't respond well to flirtation from a man who has not made his intentions clearly known. If he drops hints and one-liners, he becomes creepy. And strangers don't get my number or a date. Is that seeking? If it is, then I want no part of it.
Very well said. I like when you said “if I want to get to know him, I introduce myself. I'll invite him to join my friends on outings. I cook at my house often and invite friends, and I would ask him to come too. I become a friend, just as I would to a female sitting on the 4th pew”. By doing this you are displaying the lack of shyness and maturity I am talking about and doing this can be classified as you making an effort on your part to find a partner. But some girls are just totally into that”a woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just to find her” that they don’t make an effort . In regards to making an effort the following can be classed as making an effort.: search all possible avenues where you can find a Christian partner, this may include true churches, Christian events and conventions , college, work, and even online; initiate conversations with a Christian man you suspect may be a true Christian and just let it out. Say you want him. Yes, ask him if he is single, ask him for his number, ask him out, and if possible propose to him. If you do this then you will be making an effort. There is no secret way of making an effort other than putting in the same effort a man puts into searching for a woman. But some girls wrongly believe that the man will not respect them if they are the ones that initiate the conversation. Here is the deal; if he does no respect you and he looks at you as desperate because you asked him out then he was never the man for you in the first place. But a true child of God will not disrespect you. But having said this I realize that the woman is not as physically strong as the man, therefore if you want to make an effort by coming out to find a Christian man you have to be careful with areas like online dating, don’t go to his house without fully knowing him well, meet for the first time in a public place and keep safe.
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#32
It's just an observation. The more you chase something the more it becomes elusive.
And the other person runs the other way if you continuously chase them... especially when he/she is not interested in you that way.

This happened to my husband when he and I were dating.

A former female friend of his continuously chased him even though he was not interested in dating her.

He kept on telling her that he only wanted to be her friend and that he had a girlfriend.

She even invited him over to her place to have dinner with her and her parents.

He ended up getting sick, and so he did not go.
 
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D

DCrawshawJr

Guest
#36
The funny thing is when you finally gave up and you just dont care anymore whether you will get married or not, usually out of the blue life will happen. We shouldnt really take life seriously because life has a weird sense of humor.
"You're not the first person to have said that, believe me!"
 
Feb 21, 2012
414
3
0
#37
I dislike sayings like this because they're flip and they basically attempt to flatten out all the nuance of really challenging issues...like the issue of finding a compatible spouse.

If you just glance through the boards here you'll see about 758 philosophies of how it should be done: she should patiently wait, she should actively seek, she should subvertly seek, she should be her comfortable self, she should "gussy" up because men are eye-creatures, she should make a list of everything she wants in a man and pray over it each day, she should let go of lists and let God, he should pray and fast, he should hit the gym because his "temple" shows his true leadership, he should forget about externals and build an inner life with God, he should cultivate friendships with women, he should avoid friendships with women, he should be constantly dating until he gets the one, he should abstain from dating and let God reveal the one to him, there is no "one" get out there and meet people, etc., ad nauseum.

And here's the deal, ALL of these are true. There are people who have met their future spouses in ALL OF THESE WAYS. The problem with marrieds advising singles about how to be single is that they tend to generalize their way of spousing and apply it to everyone. So, if they "stopped caring about having a spouse," they'll presume that's the magical unicorn trick that motivated God to move on their behalf. If they "went out and sought" a spouse, they'll presume that's the key that opened the floodgates of the universe.

But the REALITY of most single people is much more complicated. There are no tricks. We might try all 758 philosophies and never get married. We might presume that we are the problem and devote ourselves to self-improvement and never get married. We might go zen and let it go and still never get married.

Here's why: God is not a magic Santa in the sky. You can't manipulate Him with your behavior or your thinking.

So, my best advice is to submit yourself to God's will for your life...whatever that is. For some of you it may mean slowing down and stopping a search, for others it may mean gearing up and starting one, for another it might involve taking uncomfortable social risks like blind dates, and for yet another it might involve taking spiritual risks that have nothing to do with dating like joining the worship team. I can guarantee that for pretty much everyone it will involve pushing your boundaries in some way. But then, the Christian life is abou being fearless.
I like this post. Makes sense. People find a spouse all kinds of ways. I disagree with all the people saying that GOD TELLS US WHO WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH. God bless their hearts. Their going to eat too much spaghetti one night and dream about someone, then think they are going to marry that person. lol. Then they are going to find out the hard way, or they are going to get lucky and have a great marriage.
 
R

RissaBug

Guest
#38
In regards to making an effort the following can be classed as making an effort.: search all possible avenues where you can find a Christian partner, this may include true churches, Christian events and conventions , college, work, and even online; initiate conversations with a Christian man you suspect may be a true Christian and just let it out. Say you want him. Yes, ask him if he is single, ask him for his number, ask him out, and if possible propose to him. If you do this then you will be making an effort. There is no secret way of making an effort other than putting in the same effort a man puts into searching for a woman. But some girls wrongly believe that the man will not respect them if they are the ones that initiate the conversation. Here is the deal; if he does no respect you and he looks at you as desperate because you asked him out then he was never the man for you in the first place. But a true child of God will not disrespect you.
Then who's the leader of that marriage? The woman or the man? And who's doing the wooing here? Is it not Christ who draws us (the church) in, steals our hearts, leads us and guides us, sacrifices all for us? And... isn't the marriage of Christ and the church supposed to be the model by which we are to be married on earth? I'm not expecting my future spouse to be Christ. He will be far from perfect, just as I am far from perfect. But the roles we are meant to play... sorry. I'm the bride. Not the groom. A proverbs 31 woman is whom I aim to be, and the woman you described is FAR from that model.

And far it be from me to steal a man's moment in proposing. Mind as well steal his man card for eternity.