The Marriage Out

[hoss2576]

I have been reading a lot of threads lately and noticed a trend in the ones that are about affairs that occur during marriage. I noticed some folks ALWAYS suggest divorce in the event of an affair. I know that divorce is an "out" that God has given if an affair happens, but just because it is given as an option, should it always be taken?

I also know that there is a difference between a repentant spouse and an unrepentant spouse, and that plays a big role in any decision to divorce.

I am curious what factors effect your decision to divorce or try to save a marriage after an affair. Is it that an affair of any kind will always lead to divorce for you? Is it one strike and you're out? If someone is asking for advice regarding whether they should divorce or not after an affair, is it in the right spirit if we are always suggesting divorce? We ourselves may opt for divorce in our own situations, but is it right to always suggest it for everyone else in an affair situation?

 

[wisebeardman]

for me, cheating is a one strike you are out.

 

[Lynx]

Thank God I've never had to answer this question and I pray I never will have to.

As for if I would - I'm reminded of the old saying: "Everyone knows what to do with a kicking mule... until he has one of his own." It's easy for me to snap off an answer but reality is I just don't know. I do know it would depend on a lot of factors, most of them intangible things you could not write down in a list of pros and cons.

 

[Olerica]

Betrayal is brutal. That said, I suppose that I'm either a big enough idealist to want to work it out (in the case of an unrepentant spouse).

Though, even writing that my heart aches. Nope. If I marry again, it'll be for life like the last one was. I am not sure I would seek a divorce unless my life was in danger. Maybe that's a simple-minded thought... but my heart says that if I do this again, I don't want an escape hatch.

 

[tourist]

I believe that if you truly love someone you will always be faithful. IMO cheating on your spouse destroys all trust and intimacy that can never be truly restored and this is the reason that I say that divorce should be an option for the offended party. Without trust there can be no basis for a relationship, especially marriage.

My first marriage ended in divorce in 1984 after 6 1/2 years. My ex cheated on me but I did not consider divorce for the sake of my daughter. A year later my ex asked for a divorce as she no longer loved me. I don't believe that she ever really did as she would not have cheated on me.

Some marriages can indeed be restored after marital infidelity but the one that cheated would have to be truly remorseful and the one that was hurt would have to be very loving and forgiving. Even so, it is highly unlikely that there would ever be trust and the intimacy that was once shared is now destroyed never to return. If you can live with that good luck to you.

 

[seoulsearch]

I certainly would NEVER recommend divorce as a catch-all solution for anyone.

I did not want a divorce at all, but as a very wise friend told me, "You can't keep someone who doesn't want to stay." My heart ached for my ex, even years afterward, and if he hadn't chosen to marry and have a family with someone else, I would have considered remarrying him in a heartbeat.

But I came home one day from work to a half-empty house--he had moved out without telling me while I was at work--and a few weeks later, received papers in the mail that he had filed for divorce. His heart was set, and he never looked back. We had our court date six months later, and he never talked to me again.

I don't want to be so graphic as to make people uncomfortable, but when I think about it now, if we would have stayed together, I know I would have been very uncomfortable with the thought that he had given his whole self, especially in the physical sense, to another woman, and then was back with me. I'm not sure I could have handled that.

I know some people who have worked through affairs and stayed together, and I have nothing but tremendous respect for them. But what worked for them might not work for me, and of course, vice versa.

I believe that because God works with each of us personally, each situation must also be dealt with individually.

 

[JesusLives]

I know in my first marriage toward the end I was not happy. I honestly don't know if my husband cheated on me or not. I do know he really didn't want sex anymore and that I could not understand since we were in our early 20's. I do know that I wanted to go to a marriage counselor of which he refused to do. I gave up as I could not see staying in the marriage the way it was as it felt loveless and more like we were roommates than married.

I did everything I knew to do from loosing weight making myself more attractive to reading self help books, keeping my mouth shut when things bugged me to finally exploding when I had reached over my limit and letting it all out at once. I even asked him at one point if he was gay.....

We got divorced January 16th 1979 and he was remarried April 26, 1979. When did he meet his new wife? I don't know for sure....Was he cheating on me? Don't know but the lack of sex might suggest so I didn't know for sure. I did not feel released from marriage and that is part of why I didn't remarry for 35 years. Did him getting married release me I don't know for sure. Was I pure the entire 35 years? No....

I think the thing that hurt the most for me during this whole process of divorce was I went back to our house and talked to him and said lets give this one more try and he said to me if you move back into the house I will move out. So I said to him if I hadn't started this divorce when would you have? He said oh in about two years which said to me he had stopped loving me and never intended to stay married so I just completely gave up then.

He had about 32-34 years of marriage with his second wife had a couple kids and 3 grandkids. He passed away in March of 2014 only then did I feel released to get remarried. It is painful when you love someone and realize they don't love you anymore. We were both Christians he was the son of a preacher not that it makes him any closer to God....but we both should have tried harder, prayed harder worked at it harder we didn't. I gave up it was painful and a lot of emotions involved.

There is never any easy answers. Marriage is a commitment for life and took me many years to figure things out and learn to put God first. I am now remarried until death we do part and I won't be giving up this time no matter what. So far so good and God is still first for both of us the way it should have been the first time around but wasn't.

 

[Fenner]

I hope this is something I never have to deal with. Depending on the situation I would.think d like to try and stay together. Again it would depend on the situation. When I hear infidelity stories I've questioned whether I'm stupid for trusting him as much as I do, but he's never given me a reason not to. I put my faith in God that this will be to death do us part marriage.

 

[Ugly]

I'd say it would depend on how long it went on, how long it built up before coming to an actual affair, how many times, how close together and their willingness to work on it.

One affair that was short lived is different than a single long term affair. The longer it went on the more prone i'd be to end it.
More than one and you're out.
If it was something that took a while to build up, ending up being something somewhat pre-planned that would be more likely to end the marriage than a random, more sudden event.

Basically the more premeditation or longer it lasted the more i would be likely to end it.

 

[Kybbfan]

I'm going through a divorce now. My wife decided she didn't want to try anymore. I know what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage. It may sound strange but I would prefer she be unfaithful to me. That way I would have the right to marry again. I feel like I'm about to be punished and suffer because of her unscriptural reason to divorce me.

 

[LiJo]

I always felt if my husband cheated on me that would automatically be a deal breaker for me. When my husband actually had an affair I was willing to give him a second chance because we were married for 18 years and have 5 children; but when I found out he was still seeing the other woman, I walked away from the marriage and filed for a divorce.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I always always counsel people to try to make it. I know couples who have survived and gone on to build stronger marriages because of it. I know of retreats and workshops that have high success rates in saving marriages that have been ravaged by adultery. Is it HARD? HECK YES. So much harder to work on things than to walk away. But it's worth it to try. I would want to always be able to say, of myself, that I did whatever I humanly could to save my marriage.

I will also say that anyone who claims they would walk away at the first evidence of adultery really has no idea what they would do in that situation, and they won't unless they are faced with it (God forbid). When you love your spouse as you should, you will want to save your marriage and forgive them. It doesn't always work out, but that's the first reaction - or at least I feel that it should be, under normal circumstances.

The only situation where I'd advise divorce would be for a cheater who is unrepentant. And I consider someone who tries to cast blame elsewhere, come up with excuses, becomes angry, tries to justify, cheats again and again, lies or refuses to make necessary changes to safeguard the marriage... to be unrepentant. There simply can be no trust built or healing done when the offending spouse is unwilling to lay down his/her pride and do all that it takes to make things right again. In this case, if the other spouse has prayed and feels peace about it, I feel it's best to make a clean cut and let them go. It's a tragic thing, regardless.

 

[Misty77]

If your spouse has cheated on you, they have broken the marriage covenant; and you are free to remain with them or leave. If they are repentant (not blaming/pressuring you or trying to lessen their own guilt), then you may choose to try to work it out with them. It will be a tough, heartbreaking road; but many are successful. Depending on if you have children, what ages they are, how your finances are, etc., it might be best to at least try to work it out.

If they are only sorry they got caught or blame you for "making them cheat," divorce them. The best thing you can do for them is to let them face the consequences of their actions. The best thing you can do for your children is to teach them that they don't get to break vows or treat people that way. If you spouse is disrespecting you, then your children will, too. You owe it to them to bring them up in a healthy home. A healthy divorced home is better than a toxic married one.

If the "reformed" adulterer ever goes back to it, divorce them. They are liars and manipulators who think nothing of playing Russian Roulette with your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. On that note, get a full STD panel as soon as you find out about the cheating and make your spouse do the same before you let them touch you again. I know too many women who are bearing out the physical consequences of diseases their unfaithful spouses brought home. One of the women now has cervical cancer. The other one miscarried due to the STD.

Of course, do all things with prayer and a licensed counselor. If your pastor is kind and educated, then speak to them as well. But be careful, because I know of too many pastors that will tell women especially that they are only allowed to forgive, even if he never repents. That is a higher standard that even Jesus doesn't follow. (See Jeremiah 3 where God divorces adulterous Israel.)

And God doesn't hate divorce. Malachi 2:16 is more accurately translated that God hates the treacherous abandonment the covenant with the wife of your youth. He's angry with men who mistreat vulnerable women, not innocent people who get a legal writ of divorce after their spouse breaks the covenant.

There's nothing easy about divorce, but sometimes it is the right choice.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

Oh my goodness, this is SO SO relevant to me right now - going through the motions so long after the event(s) and yes I want out but it's not that simple...life can be so hard but I'm trusting in God in all this. I am fortunate to have God in my life - my husband doesn't have or want that luxury, he does not seek the Lord.