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Sep 13, 2018
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#61
All I wanted was a discussion and instead people have taken offense when none was intended. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Yes, I would encourage people to wait, but after this thread and certain people’s comments, I realize it is up to the individual and their faith. Some people genuinely aren’t comfortable with waiting nor do they desire or trust that process.

Some people want to date in a godly fashion, some prefer a slow process, and others would rather wait upon the Lord’s confirmation and then pursue a person. Each is acting within their right and within their faith.
I got a question
Hi Ben,

I know that at first, the examples I used in my earlier post (two married couples wanting a child, each choosing their own way of waiting on the Lord for an answer) seems unrelated to singles and dating, but I chose that example because both situations have something very important in common: the desire to build a family, whether by establishment (marriage) or addition (a child.) In both cases, the people involved are asking God to put someone in their life who is not already there, so the question remains -- how much do we weigh in that God will just drop us that person out of nowhere, and how much of our own legwork does He expect us to contribute?

I used to be someone who considered myself to be "actively dating" -- being on dating sites and actually going out on dates -- but in the past few years, I've pretty much pared it down to just "living life, and if I meet someone along the way, that's great, and if not, ok then -- maybe it's not what God has for me.

I think @cinder also hit the nail on the head in that a person's definition of dating is crucial. Most Christians will agree that today's culture of weekend hookups is not the definition of Godly dating. But for me, my personal definition is mostly just spending time doing something publicly social with the person and then talking in order to get to know them better.

I do have to say that I've always been intimidated by the "I only date to marry" philosophy, because I'm assuming the person who says that means they will only go and hang out with someone if they can see them as a potential marriage partner (I actually wrote a thread about this entire topic a long time ago.) Personally, I hate that kind of pressure because it means I am immediately being scrutinized every which way from Sunday as to whether or not a complete stranger thinks I'd be their ideal marriage partner. And let's be real here. Marriage involves sex, so that means that this complete stranger is also wondering about whether or not I'd be sexually compatible with him as well, and we don't even know each other yet. I am not comfortable with this at all, and part of the reason I left Christian dating sites is because I hate the "Only Date to Marry" scrutiny.

I would much rather just get to know someone casually at first, then maybe continue to have contact or spend time with them, and then maybe see if we might think we'd want to try a relationship (which is still a far cry from even thinking about marriage.) I am very much a "slow dater", which is probably why I'm still single! Understandably, most people feel they are on a timetable (especially if they want to have kids) and can't be bothered with a long period of getting to know each other, but that's what works for me.

If you feel a more "absolute" approach to waiting on God (no active searching or dating) works best for you, that's wonderful and I applaud your choice. But I don't think it's the choice for everyone. Granted, I do think there are times when people are searching too hard or are too focused on finding someone, and may indeed need to step away from the dating scene for a while -- no doubt about that.

But I do think that for others, dating is helpful. I knew a couple once in which the wife had grown up in a household of all boys. Being the only girl, they kind of doted on her and that's what she was used to. She'd never had any other boyfriends before she got married, and since all she knew was the way her fathers and brothers treated her, she would constantly compare her husband to them, and continued to rely on them more than her husband (while constantly criticizing him for not being like the men in her family.)

Her husband lamented once that his wife had never had a boyfriend who treated her poorly, and that maybe if she had dated more before meeting him, she might realize that he was trying his absolute best. In other words, the only comparison she had in her life was men in her own family who jumped at her every need, and she expected her husband to be like this as well. Her husband eventually threw in the towel (though there were other things going on,) saying, "Why stay in a situation where I'm never needed because everyone else is doing such a better job?"

I don't know if it would have saved their marriage if she would have had some other experiences to glean from and would hopefully realize that he did love her and was treating her as well as he knew to do.

Although the few relationships I had were terrible, I'm not sure how much I would change even if I could go back, just because I know that the heartaches I had during that time will make me appreciate someone much more than if I had "just waited."

Those are just my own thoughts, and what seems to work for me.

Thank you for taking the time to hear me out, and I wish you God's best during your wait. :)
I've got a question in general.
I've got friend's, family and so fourth that are married or dating that are incredibly happy.
When asked how they got together and how or why they are so happy and their answer is
" It was fate." Does that fall under the category of "God's will" for them?
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#62
But there's a world of difference in tone between saying dating has so many negatives why would you choose it and what are the potential rewards of dating that makes you think it's worth the risk
I like the way you worded this cinder.
 
Jun 10, 2019
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#63
And you insult me. 😒 Why are people attacking the intent of my post by assuming they know what’s in my heart and think I am trying to judge (and accuse) people as being unspiritual?

I am asking from a place of sincerity, heartfelt. If my question is ignorant, please expose my ignorance. @cinder brought up a good angle, of godly dating for example. That it doesn’t have to be either or, one right and one wrong (which I already knew and stated in the OP in different ways). The question remains, however, why choose godly dating over godly waiting?

Why does this have to put offense in any of your guys hearts? Do you feel judged? I am simply having a discussion on preference, and the reasoning for such preference.
I apologize if my words was offensive or attacking I didn’t mean it to be if you feel offended in anyway I apologize.

About the question if godly dating and godly waiting is godly done then is there really a issue with either?
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#64
I got a question


I've got a question in general.
I've got friend's, family and so fourth that are married or dating that are incredibly happy.
When asked how they got together and how or why they are so happy and their answer is
" It was fate." Does that fall under the category of "God's will" for them?
I would say this, in accordance with scripture, that love never fails. Love keeps no record of wrongs. And people out of love should continue to walk in love. Love lasts. If you want to succeed in a relationship, love. Pray to God over matters and love. Be humble. Be one.

I say this because people may feel something is fate and then, say it doesn’t pan out, it becomes somewhat fateful. What happened to it being of fate? (Why do I feel like I am borrowing from your reasoning @Magenta ?) People need to love. Some people “feel” a peace about something, but in scripture, when God spoke, people knew what was of the Lord. It wasn’t a guessing game.

I am sure that them believing it is of “fate” is them expressing gratitude. They believe it was meant to be because they feel perfect together. Yes, it very well could be God’s providence.

Does the success or failure of a relationship determine if it was of God? That’s up for debate, I suppose. Can someone, sadly, drop the ball? All I know is that there is no fear in love, and love lasts. Choose love.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#65
I apologize if my words was offensive or attacking I didn’t mean it to be if you feel offended in anyway I apologize.

About the question if godly dating and godly waiting is godly done then is there really a issue with either?
We’re good, thanks.

I wouldn’t say there is an “issue” with either or, but I am sure people from both camps can express the pros and cons of each. I can only speak from the waiting side of this discussion.

A con, in waiting, is timing. Where we may want to be somewhere today (married), the right timing is tomorrow. We have to trust that God knows best and is working things in our favor and good. Your hope is in the Lord (this isn’t a con when you know that God is faithful). But yes, timing can weigh heavy on the heart.
 
Jun 10, 2019
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#66
We’re good, thanks.

I wouldn’t say there is an “issue” with either or, but I am sure people from both camps can express the pros and cons of each. I can only speak from the waiting side of this discussion.

A con, in waiting, is timing. Where we may want to be somewhere today (married), the right timing is tomorrow. We have to trust that God knows best and is working things in our favor and good. Your hope is in the Lord (this isn’t a con when you know that God is faithful). But yes, timing can weigh heavy on the heart.
I totally agree with Hope in the Lord should be number one on anyone’s list, for even a chosen person for you or anyone by God might still leave you which reminds me of the arrest chosen people who fled.

who knows you may meet a woman who loves to go to bars yet she just might be the one for you would you agree or disagree with that statement? as far as might
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#67
I would say just do both and call it 'dwaiting'.
 

Lanolin

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#68
Personally I think dating is like applying for jobs and having interviews, which actually is. a bit of a drag if youve been to so many interviews and dont get offered the job...when you could just do some work experience and see if you like it at first before you commit.

Most jobs these days you cant really do for life or maybe you havent made up your mind yet...if choosing a carerr you decide to put all your time and money into training then dont like it to do something else thats ok because you dont always KNOW in the beginning what it will be like. How they will treat you etc. if you sign up in good faith it also means the employer ALSO has to have faith in you too. Its actually a two way street.

Now I wouldnt say job interviews are always fun some are boring and pointless but you dont know unless you apply do you. Nobody these days gets a job right off the bat unless the employeer is their parents or close relations lol.

its like publishing a book you send your mansucript to heaps of publishers and will guarantee you WILL get dozens of rejections before someone takes it. its not the end of the world if you get rejected. Just means its not the right one but you dont know if you never send it in.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#69
I think with dating you just got to be quite mature about it, if you cant handle it and think you going to fall in love with the first person you go out with or ANYONE you go with then you are being rather naive and should stay at home and not date.
 
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Godsgirl83

Guest
#70
God would let you know who that specific person is (which He can and does
YES! He certainly does, and personally speaking let me just say I think it's better this way :)
I won't go into detail here (though I might in private chat if asked, be forewarned it may be lengthy)
but I will say that the Lord made it VERY clear and confirmed it for my husband and I.
And no, we did not "date"
(side note *in fact, I can't find that anywhere in scripture or anything that even remotely suggest it...... )


Ben, I applaud you for your choice, and encourage you that if the Lords leading you this way in this area of your life to STAND firm with it.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#71
YES! He certainly does, and personally speaking let me just say I think it's better this way :)
I won't go into detail here (though I might in private chat if asked, be forewarned it may be lengthy)
but I will say that the Lord made it VERY clear and confirmed it for my husband and I.
And no, we did not "date"
(side note *in fact, I can't find that anywhere in scripture or anything that even remotely suggest it...... )


Ben, I applaud you for your choice, and encourage you that if the Lords leading you this way in this area of your life to STAND firm with it.
I would love to hear the story, and yes I am waiting upon the Lord and He is encouraging me and strengthening me in this time of endurance.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#72
I just read this book called Grace led me here and this single mum of two children who didnt date for 5 years then God led her to this man that is now her husband...which is pretty amazing but when people say 'date' they often think it means the same as 'fornicate'

you can date without fornicating it is possible. But again if you dont think you can control yourself then dont.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#73
It is a shame how this thread started out, because it is a topic that... Slightly modified... Needs to be discussed. I know many people, male and female, who search frantically and desperately for a spous or at least a partner of some kind because they think it is their ticket to lifelong happiness. They go from date to date, rejecting lots of people, sometimes getting married and divorced multiple times, but they never realize they are not going to find happiness that way. They always blame it on not being able to find the perfect partner.

The two problems are:
1 - The people who need to hear this will not listen to it. They don't believe you when you say they will never find the perfect person to make them happy. They are determined they will find that perfect person anyway.
2 - There are people who are out looking and dating who do not need to hear this message, because they really do need to be out there looking... Actually I am probably one of them, but I'm too apathetic to care. Whatever, it is certain that waiting is not the one-size-fits-all solution for everybody in the world. Some actually need to hunt for a partner.
 
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Godsgirl83

Guest
#74
The right companionship usely comes when you least expect it, how can a person least expect it.
Well, I'll give an example, sorry that it's a little of topic, but it does relate to least expecting ( :LOL: ha I said "expecting" and that's funny b/c this story has to do with just that- some still might get the humor though even after reading)

several years ago (not to long before the Lord brought hubs and I together) I was working in a Christian based company. My boss was a sweet older lady (by older I mean she could've been my mom as she has a daughter close in my age). She came in one day so excited we could hardly calm her down enough to tell us what was up.
Her daughter and son- in - law had been trying for 2 years to have a baby. I mean Dr. visits, watching and checking the calendar for timing things- the whole 9 yards. They tried EVERYTHING! After about 2 years they finally gave up, placed it in the Lords hands, and went on with their lives. They bought a beautiful old house, a fixer upper that was going to be their new focus..........
well turns out as soon as they STOPPED trying and started focusing on other things she discovered she was pregnant ("expecting") when they were least expecting anything to happen at all.


Point being, when you least expect something is when you wake up and go through your day without asking "I wonder if today is going to be the day xyz happens?"
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#75
Did they read the book 'what to expect when you are not expecting?'

I just found this book but didnt buy it as I ran out of money called 52 Dates or somethign like that, its a christian book on how to date when you are married, Apparently married people have no fun and hardly ever go on dates.

It gives you examples of dates you can go on together so each week you can have a different kind of date.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#76
It is a shame how this thread started out, because it is a topic that... Slightly modified... Needs to be discussed. I know many people, male and female, who search frantically and desperately for a spous or at least a partner of some kind because they think it is their ticket to lifelong happiness. They go from date to date, rejecting lots of people, sometimes getting married and divorced multiple times, but they never realize they are not going to find happiness that way. They always blame it on not being able to find the perfect partner.

The two problems are:
1 - The people who need to hear this will not listen to it. They don't believe you when you say they will never find the perfect person to make them happy. They are determined they will find that perfect person anyway.
2 - There are people who are out looking and dating who do not need to hear this message, because they really do need to be out there looking... Actually I am probably one of them, but I'm too apathetic to care. Whatever, it is certain that waiting is not the one-size-fits-all solution for everybody in the world. Some actually need to hunt for a partner.
In the discussion of the pursuit of a spouse, you bring up an interesting topic. Happiness. That could be an interesting discussion, considering “it is not good for a man to be alone.” Happiness itself could be a good thread in and of itself. I am not sure that is within the scope of this thread though, it is more asking about which method of pursuit you prefer and why.

I suppose it’s relation to the discussion is, as you suggested, is some people may be dating in pursuit of being happy. “Why do you date?” “Because I want to be happy.”

Do you think one’s happiness is dependent upon another person? I like one perspective on this, from scripture.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
King James Version

9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

There is strength in unity, and there are benefits of having someone to live life with.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#77
I suppose it’s relation to the discussion is, as you suggested, is some people may be dating in pursuit of being happy. “Why do you date?” “Because I want to be happy.”
Well that's the problem. I always thought people were supposed to go on dates because they thought, "Hey this is a neat person and I want to get to know this person better." And eventually they might get married because "Wow, this is a wonderful person and I want to be with this person for the rest of our lives."

If we start trying to find a date or a spouse because "This person fills a need I think I have in my life..." it seems to me that it turns a relationship into a bartering system, and turns a partner into hired help. He pays the bills to keep her, and she gives him sex to keep him. He mows the lawn because she refused to, and she does the dishes because he won't. Each provides what the other demands, so the other will not leave.

Frankly I could get the same thing by hiring a maid and a prostitute. And it would probably be a lot less stress and trouble.

Either way, starting a relationship as a method of pursuing happiness seems like futility and a whole lot of trouble. I seem to be happier than most of the people I know who bounce from date to date in a never ending search.
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
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#78
Well, I'll give an example, sorry that it's a little of topic, but it does relate to least expecting ( :LOL: ha I said "expecting" and that's funny b/c this story has to do with just that- some still might get the humor though even after reading)

several years ago (not to long before the Lord brought hubs and I together) I was working in a Christian based company. My boss was a sweet older lady (by older I mean she could've been my mom as she has a daughter close in my age). She came in one day so excited we could hardly calm her down enough to tell us what was up.
Her daughter and son- in - law had been trying for 2 years to have a baby. I mean Dr. visits, watching and checking the calendar for timing things- the whole 9 yards. They tried EVERYTHING! After about 2 years they finally gave up, placed it in the Lords hands, and went on with their lives. They bought a beautiful old house, a fixer upper that was going to be their new focus..........
well turns out as soon as they STOPPED trying and started focusing on other things she discovered she was pregnant ("expecting") when they were least expecting anything to happen at all.


Point being, when you least expect something is when you wake up and go through your day without asking "I wonder if today is going to be the day xyz happens?"
The Word says that it is God who opens and closes the womb. I have a friend who after having her first child, was told by a doctor that she would not be able to have any more due to a health complication. When she told me, I couldn't accept it because of what the word says; so we prayed that God would open her womb and bless her with a baby. Not too long after, she became pregnant; that baby is now 12 years old and a tremendous blessing🤗Praise God, He is able.🙏❤️
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
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#79
If you feel that I articulated one way was good and the other was bad, instead of trying to defame me, why don’t you instead argue for why you think both options are good or expressing if one is better than the other?

I have said, many times now, my preference is waiting upon the Lord. We can weigh the pros and cons of waiting versus dating.

This thread permits people to self-reflect. It allows people to consider the costs. To consider their actions and if such actions are ideal.

I am heavily in favor, on a personal level, of waiting. I am curious why people choose to date instead. Why does this have to be you making me out to be judging people when I am simply asking them why they have chosen to date as the method by which they are seeking a spouse?
Hi Ben
I would like to share my point of view about what you are saying....
It's almost 10 years since my ex-husband left and for 7 years I waited on the Lord in the hope that He would provide me with a husband. I had studied deeply and also been to a mature Bible teacher ; I knew I was scripturally free to re-marry. I also had a vivid dream about this that I was certain had come from the Lord. After 7 years of waiting I said to the Lord that I was done waiting and I was going to start dating. I assured Him I did not intend to do anything wrong but I was going to just try this... that's when the problems started. For the last 3 years I have dated and regret all the dates I have had; they have led to temptation, confusion, distraction and hurt. It has robbed precious time from my family I also now regret. I have hurt others by rejecting them because they were unsuitable. Ultimately I know it will all work together for good because we all learn by our mistakes sometimes; but I do not deem it a good thing, in my life anyway. To be really honest, the reason I dated, is because I longed for a man to hold me; it was actually so painful in my heart to not have that love and affection, I would have paid someone to just hug me on a regular basis lol. Thankfully I have moved on from this, and whilst I hope one day to have that, I am not prepared to use someone or hurt someone for my own comfort. I have been foolish at times, and God has been faithful and gracious to me; but when I look back I do regret getting tangled up in relationships when I wasn't 100% certain that this was the one God had chosen for me.
I think it's good to live life to the full, according to the Lord's leading; to delight ourselves in Him and keep trusting Him with who and when; to not let go of hope because 'hope deferred makes the heart sick,' to seek first His Kingdom and trust that all things will be added. It's a very hard thing to patiently wait on the Lord, to feel extremely lonely; however, it is maturing my character and I totally respect you for waiting. I hope when my dream guy comes along one day, I find that he waited rather than dated too😊...I wouldn't condemn him if he hadn't of course lol, this would be hypocrisy😁but I have dated quite a lot in the last 3 years and I don't see the point in it anymore... I just want clear guidance and confirmation from the Lord if and when it happens- and I know the Lord is able to make it clear to me, because,' Those who are led by the Spirit of God, they are the Sons of God,' and also, His Sheep hear His voice👌😊
I found your post really encouraging and strengthening, so thank you and God bless.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#80
Hi Ben
I would like to share my point of view about what you are saying....
It's almost 10 years since my ex-husband left and for 7 years I waited on the Lord in the hope that He would provide me with a husband. I had studied deeply and also been to a mature Bible teacher ; I knew I was scripturally free to re-marry. I also had a vivid dream about this that I was certain had come from the Lord. After 7 years of waiting I said to the Lord that I was done waiting and I was going to start dating. I assured Him I did not intend to do anything wrong but I was going to just try this... that's when the problems started. For the last 3 years I have dated and regret all the dates I have had; they have led to temptation, confusion, distraction and hurt. It has robbed precious time from my family I also now regret. I have hurt others by rejecting them because they were unsuitable. Ultimately I know it will all work together for good because we all learn by our mistakes sometimes; but I do not deem it a good thing, in my life anyway. To be really honest, the reason I dated, is because I longed for a man to hold me; it was actually so painful in my heart to not have that love and affection, I would have paid someone to just hug me on a regular basis lol. Thankfully I have moved on from this, and whilst I hope one day to have that, I am not prepared to use someone or hurt someone for my own comfort. I have been foolish at times, and God has been faithful and gracious to me; but when I look back I do regret getting tangled up in relationships when I wasn't 100% certain that this was the one God had chosen for me.
I think it's good to live life to the full, according to the Lord's leading; to delight ourselves in Him and keep trusting Him with who and when; to not let go of hope because 'hope deferred makes the heart sick,' to seek first His Kingdom and trust that all things will be added. It's a very hard thing to patiently wait on the Lord, to feel extremely lonely; however, it is maturing my character and I totally respect you for waiting. I hope when my dream guy comes along one day, I find that he waited rather than dated too😊...I wouldn't condemn him if he hadn't of course lol, this would be hypocrisy😁but I have dated quite a lot in the last 3 years and I don't see the point in it anymore... I just want clear guidance and confirmation from the Lord if and when it happens- and I know the Lord is able to make it clear to me, because,' Those who are led by the Spirit of God, they are the Sons of God,' and also, His Sheep hear His voice👌😊
I found your post really encouraging and strengthening, so thank you and God bless.
I feel like me reacting to your post with “winner” can be seen as me patting myself on the back but instead I am applauding your faith! I love that you are holding to the truth. Something the Lord has been establishing me in lately is His goodness and His goodness towards me. That He withholds no good from me. I kept seeing the number 117 again and again, and eventually I decided to look up a verse related to those numbers and happened upon James 1:17.

James 1:17, KJV: "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

He is good and He doesn’t stop being good. The Lord also had me read through Proverbs and the Psalms and He showed me that He is gracious and full of compassion, and that towards me. To cast my cares upon the Lord.

Eventually He told me that my desires are His plans and my prayers are in His hands.

Our best bet is to humble ourselves before God. While God doesn’t manipulate (in the negative sense) He can orchestrate events in the favor and union of two people knowing how they will feel for each other in their free will and His providence. He, of all persons, knows who will work together beautifully.

So yes, trust the Lord. Let your hope be in the Lord. Keep holding to the truth. As I was reading your post, your desire for a man, stuck out to me as you having a desire for acceptance (as we all want). God loves you perfectly, and He sees your righteous desire for love. I have said to the Lord, “My desire is righteous and intent pure Lord, why would You withhold Your hand? Search my heart.” We simply ask, with pure intent. God sees our heart, and He grants its desires in His goodness.

I say that we should all pray for each other, that God would bring to us the person He sees fit for our life. I will pray for you Butterflyyy. ❤️ They say the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so maybe we should all petition God together for each other? 😄 We should also keep in mind, He is for us. It doesn’t take much to convince the Lord, we simply express that our hope is in Him. That honors Him and He honor us.