Two people. Two OPPOSITE love languages. But, they in love. Can they make it work ?

[GreenNnice]

Catherdingsheepplayingmusicmandirectorfrenchhornerinstrumentplayingfather, I think that it's pretty easy to get into a relationship and become 'in love' from liking to do the same things. This kind of relationship can deepen and deepen and deepen and then, WHAM! You hit a wall because you realize that SOMETHING is missing and it is that person who is not appeasing your need of a certain type of love expressed, also known as, that person's 'love language.'

So, you are DEEEPLY in love, brother, and, so the question is, once you are at this state, unmarried. Or, yeah, married, not so much a good example, as you are in DEEP then, NO turning back, no turning back, for any other reason than, I think, adultery, or, death of spouse. So, for marrieds, as julieannie says, a 'love language' problem is, therefore, something you really have to give a 'go with God.' No alternative. YOU are married, make it work

Am I saying that part right, julieannie, and, sorry, again, I misunderstood your way of saying 'not settling for' as my words of 'giving up.' My green brains misterped there All deficiency of thought and understanding defaults to them

But, yeah, bro, that's what's being said, this is not some shallow relationship, it's a relationship that's grown to a great stage of saying that you would do anything for this person. So, NOW , you are suddenly SHoCkeD to a new reality of their needing something MORE from you or the deepness of love that you feel so true for them will drown.

I don't want this to sound like a dependent relationship either, that's an abusive relationship, if you need someone no matter what. So, cross that off your mind. I'm saying you've seriously grown fond of this person because they like to do the same things you like to do and treat you fairly, like a queen, or, even, like a king, but, there's something missing that keeps you from being able to wear a 'crown,' being able to feel like genuine royalty around them.

So, do you two, through heart to heart talks, realize that something is missing in your relationship, and, it's the actual expression of love to each other: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, etc. listed on OP.

Or, being IN LOVE, and, unmarried, and, free to leave each other, do you STILL give it a go ?

 

[Jullianna]

Mr. Green: Let me see if I can explain the difference between "not settling" and "giving up". I wear a size 7 shoe. Sometimes even a 7.5. It's my Cinderella shoe. It fits me. It feels good. It feels right. It's my size.

Let's say I go shopping for a new pair of shoes and find a gorgeous pair that I really like, but they only come in a size 5. So, rather than looking around for the same thing in my size or waiting until I find something I like even better in my size, I SETTLE FOR the size 5, knowing full well that it's wrong for me.

Let's say I figure out a way to cram my size 7 foot into a size 5 shoe, and allow it to become an ugly stepsister shoe. It's on, but does it look right? Does it feel right? Can I walk in it or do I fall down because I can't keep my balance? Is it pinching my toes? Is it shutting off circulation? Is it causing blisters? After a while are my feet going to hurt so badly that I can't even walk? At that point, am I going to realize how stupid I was for SETTLING FOR a pair of shoes that were two sizes too small, that may have fit me when I was fifteen but not once I grew up, GIVE UP and take them off?

Or am I going to use the good sense that God gave me, NOT SETTLE for the wrong size in the first place (so I won't ever have to GIVE UP), save myself a whole lotta pain/frustration and look around for a great pair of shoes in the right size? Because, guess what? Those size 5s are likely someone else's Cinderella shoes and the Prince might go looking for the real owner at some point.

Hope that helps. If not, I "give up". I couldn't resist.

 

[DecentGuy]

Mr. Green: Let me see if I can explain the difference between "not settling" and "giving up". I wear a size 7 shoe. Sometimes even a 7.5. It's my Cinderella shoe. It fits me. It feels good. It feels right. It's my size.

Let's say I go shopping for a new pair of shoes and find a gorgeous pair that I really like, but they only come in a size 5. So, rather than looking around for the same thing in my size or waiting until I find something I like even better in my size, I SETTLE FOR the size 5, knowing full well that it's wrong for me.

Let's say I figure out a way to cram my size 7 foot into a size 5 shoe, and allow it to become an ugly stepsister shoe. It's on, but does it look right? Does it feel right? Can I walk in it or do I fall down because I can't keep my balance? Is it pinching my toes? Is it shutting off circulation? Is it causing blisters? After a while are my feet going to hurt so badly that I can't even walk? At that point, am I going to realize how stupid I was for SETTLING FOR a pair of shoes that were two sizes too small, that may have fit me when I was fifteen but not once I grew up, GIVE UP and take them off?

Or am I going to use the good sense that God gave me, NOT SETTLE for the wrong size in the first place (so I won't ever have to GIVE UP), save myself a whole lotta pain/frustration and look around for a great pair of shoes in the right size? Because, guess what? Those size 5s are likely someone else's Cinderella shoes and the Prince might go looking for the real owner at some point.

Hope that helps. If not, I "give up". I couldn't resist.

View attachment 63719

Hi @Jullianna
A most pragmatic post on so many levels

Sincerly
DecentGuy

 

[SteffyJ]

Hi, I believe for 2 people to even be together something attracted you to that person. At some point you would have to evaluate the relationship and figure out whether they are willing to make sacrifices for each other to make it work. My parents. Are totally different. Mom is a not very affectionate bt dad is. He shows his love in one way and she does in another. Bt that's what they love about each other. My mom appreciates things that my dad does even if she personally doesn't like it. It all depends on the depth of someones love.

 

[Relena7]

I think if both people are emotionally mature, and really love each other, and aren't afraid to communicate their needs to each other, then it could work.

But if they are like the majority of people, it would probably be easier on both if they spoke the same "love language" and there would be a lot less misunderstandings and fewer fights. Certain misunderstandings can start out as nothing, but evolve into a big tangled web of lies based on something that both perceived wrong but can't remember how it started, and slowly eat away at the peace, all because they speak different "love languages" and there wasn't enough communication. I think in certain "recipes" too complex to generalize, it could be a very bad idea.

And I guess this all depends. Someone right after me could post about a couple they know who beat the odds and learned to make it work. I'm sure it happens every day.

 

[Fenner]

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— Discover your Love Language —

Of the 5 love languages, what happens when two people who are in love realize that they are complete opposites in how they speak to each other in love language.

One of the two is always wanting you to do acts of service for them, like, opening their door for restaurants, and, pushing in their seat at the table before going to your own seat, and, you LOVE this person, but you HATE doing acts of service.

And, gets worse, the other person hates the way that YOU ( their mate/girlfriend/boyfriend) NEED to have love expressed by them to YOU, which is Words of Affirmation. You just don't give complements well !


Can this kind of relationship make it ?


Let's take this from a singles perspective AND a married person's perspective because I would like both's perspectives and experiences of this topic.

For your situation that was of this kind of love language extreme contrast, what happened to change things for the better? God intervened how? What did He tell you to do, how did He lead you to tolerate and, EVEN, become accepting of your mate's NEEDED love language.



[HR][/HR]

My Husband's love language is Acts and mine is Physical. We took this quiz in Sunday School last year. I think we compliment each other pretty well.

This test is supposed to help you understand each other better, don't make it about the entire relationship. I know my husband appreciates me washing his clothes and putting them away. I appreciate him giving me a big long hug when he comes home.

It's good to know what your partner likes and doesn't like. My Husband knows I can't stand little noises when people eat, like breathing to heavy or lip smacking. Yucky yuck, I know that he doesn't like when I leave stuff laying around. Anything can work if you love and are committed to each other.

 

[GreenNnice]

Good shoe, example, julieannie. Figures
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So, that person is the same size shoe as you, based on the fact you've grown to liking doing the same things together.

There is, though, something different about their shoe from your shoe, that is both size 7.5, a perfect fit !

Their foot just grew half a size. Don't ask me why ! It just did

So, NOW, what NEEDS to happen is that you need to re-evaluate each other, because she/he is wearing a different size shoe than you. So, do you throw away the good walking you've done in the SAME shoes, or, are you willing to WALK in their NEW shoes. Are you saying, 'I CAN'T WAIT' to try and please them in a whole new way , even though I struggle with that kind of thing, that kind of love expression, that kind of 'physical touch,' love language.

I mean, I wanna deck someone who hugs me, even someone I'm IN LOVE with !! But, yeah, I REALLY do enjoy this person's company. Lord, you spoke in Love, you mention 'love' more than any word in the bible about, don't you? Hmm, YES! I can, literally, love him/her more because it makes them feel good and that will make me feel good.
Now, hopefully, they will also reciprocate that 'love language' that YOU need since, until now, you were going on wavy feelings of love and now the seismograph, or, rather, the demands of the relationship THICKENING is asking for specific measurements of love.

 

[Fenner]

Green Nice are you saying, people change, relationship s grow? If so I agree.

 

[GreenNnice]

Green Nice are you saying, people change, relationship s grow? If so I agree.

Absolutely, fen. The only one who never changes is God, He is the same today, as, yesterday, as, forevermore

 

[Fenner]

Amen to that and I'll say for my own marriage, I was a bit of a pita, (not the bread) when I first got married. I left once went to my Mom's told her what was going on and she said, "Go to your husband your acting like a child." Pretty sad when yo own mama has to be so blunt to get across to you. Anyhow I'm glad my husband didn't say, AAAAHHHH, you're nuts, I'm outta here.

 

[GreenNnice]

Green Nice are you saying, people change, relationship s grow? If so I agree.

Yes, thanks, fen, milady, you put things in perspective quite well for everyone, including my green brains, and, LET ME TELL YOU, that is NOT an easy thing to do

Amen to that and I'll say for my own marriage, I was a bit of a pita, (not the bread) when I first got married. I left once went to my Mom's told her what was going on and she said, "Go to your husband your acting like a child." Pretty sad when yo own mama has to be so blunt to get across to you. Anyhow I'm glad my husband didn't say, AAAAHHHH, you're nuts, I'm outta here.

You have a wise mother, blessed advice, that was, fen.

 

[Jullianna]

Perhaps the bottom line, Green, is that, just like love languages, what works for some folks in relationships simply doesn't work for others. I only know what worked amazingly for me. Can't speak for anyone else.

 

[GreenNnice]

Perhaps the bottom line, Green, is that, just like love languages, what works for some folks in relationships simply doesn't work for others. I only know what worked amazingly for me. Can't speak for anyone else.

What works for you now can change, julieannie, to something new, I think.

Isn't God changing us all through our lives or are we the same person all through our lives. I think, if we really consider who we've been and who we are now, we'd all agree we've all been through a lot of change in thinking as we've experienced more experiences in life, weathering His storms for us in life.

I think duration of relationship is a key factor in trying to change for another you are ALREADY IN LOVE with. So, comparatively, if you are not already going with someone for long period of time--less than a month-- and you figure out you are totally different, and, are not yet IN LOVE, then, breaking off the relationship clearly will be a lot easier than a relationshihp that's been through a lot already in a longer span of time, like, let's just say, over 2 months of cool, godly, fun doings, together that obvious feelings have been developing strongly for each other

 

[Jullianna]

I'm all for something new, but not for something less. Peace.

 

[rachelsedge]

I think if both people are emotionally mature, and really love each other, and aren't afraid to communicate their needs to each other, then it could work.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Green, but I think what Green is saying is not that the two don't understand each other's love language, it's that the other doesn't LIKE doing that love language. It'd be like me understanding that a guy loved getting gifts, but I hate giving gifts because I'm not creative enough and they're a waste of time. That's not really what I believe (I love giving gifts) but it's just an example. It's not that they don't understand, it's just that they don't like doing each other's love language.

I think two people with different love languages would be okay, as long as the other is willing to learn what the other person likes and enjoys doing it. If it's always a hassle or a pain for one person to do another person's love language because they don't like doing it, then that may be an issue. What kind of relationship would it be if my guy spent quality time with me but hated doing so?

 

[Cee]

Jesus exemplified love to the world by dying for us. Sometimes you need a little friction to set a match on fire, if I have to do something I don't necessarily want to do, that shows how much I love her to myself even. And probably to her. If I'm unwilling to do the things I know she likes, well, I don't think I'd be a good guy to marry lol.

Doesn't Scripture say if you bless your wife your prayers get answered? Well, I got a lot of prayers out there, so I planning on blessin' me wifey She gonna be so blessed, she gonna need to find her socks.

C.

 

[GreenNnice]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Green, but I think what Green is saying is not that the two don't understand each other's love language, it's that the other doesn't LIKE doing that love language. It'd be like me understanding that a guy loved getting gifts, but I hate giving gifts because I'm not creative enough and they're a waste of time. That's not really what I believe (I love giving gifts) but it's just an example. It's not that they don't understand, it's just that they don't like doing each other's love language.

I think two people with different love languages would be okay, as long as the other is willing to learn what the other person likes and enjoys doing it. If it's always a hassle or a pain for one person to do another person's love language because they don't like doing it, then that may be an issue. What kind of relationship would it be if my guy spent quality time with me but hated doing so?

Well, said, racheedge, yes, that's what's being said, the Lord leads, and, my green brains interfere with what's been said, sometimes But, yes, it's about learning to like someone's love language that is something you don't like AT ALL, but, you sure do like them You've had fun horseback riding, rappelling down a cliff on a rope, playing board games, cards (she's so much fun in cards!) and, you,too, are like peas and carrots, like Forest and Jenny in what you like to do together . But.......

Oh, green, you hafta get to the 'but?'

Yep, and, it's a big 'but,' you HAVE discovered 2-3 months into your purrrrr-fect relationship that you are not hitting each other's love language buttons. She likes the red receiving gifts button and you like the yellow quality of time button. And, you both just don't like that kind of thing so much....


So, will you LEARN to like giving her more quality time talking with you? Can that be something that, actually, grows you, improves you, that you, even, enjoy and you didn't realize you enjoyed it !! With her, YOU enjoy it, you enjoy it, you realize, most, because she is soooo, NOW, at an even higher level of communicating to you and spending time with you and helping you too with your LOVE LANGUAGE of receiving gifts. You mentioned that cool rare 'Spyderco' lockblade knife and you got up the other day to grab your toothbrush at 4am, half asleep, getting ready for work, and practically put the knife in your mouth, because YOUR GIRL secretly exchanged your toothbrush with the knife !

Man, I just LOVE this girl !!! I could talk to her all night long. ALL DAY LONG !!!

OK

 

[GreenNnice]

I think, sometimes, too, that people should be more understanding of the other person's attempts to help you feel loved by giving you your #1 Love Language. Sometimes, one of the 5 Love Languages is not someone's forte` So, try and look at how that person you are in love with but is just not meeting your needs could, maybe, go to your #2 Love Language .

And, I think, that is what would be showing real loving relationship too.
In fact, I think, that idea there of a person's willilngness to accept a person's giving of you your #2 favorite Love Language, instead of #1, is the stuff GREAT romantic comedies are made of or books.
Hey, I even got a title ! "Love me that way, too" --the sacrifices of true love

 

[surprisingrose]

Every marriage is to be based on Jesus' exsample of being a servant, so, it doesn't matter what our love language is, what we are to give out is their love languages and vise-versa. Marriage isn't about what the other person has to offer to us in the marriage, but what do we have to offer them. If we have a servants heart then what we have to offer is looking for and giving what they have need of; To prefer our brother/sister before ourselves. It is a life time of comment and sacrifice that the rewards are well worth the effort. Some days it may not feel like it but if we stay steadfast the Lord will reward every effort.

 

[FireWire]

Love is love as defined by the Bible and God Himself. This love languages thing is just more secular stuff which doesn't really cut the mustard. I totally agree with surprisingrose. It's that simple.

The Bible has plenty to say about love. It is sacrificial, looks to another needs and doesn't consider ones own needs at any time. The supreme example of course is Christ. He didn't have to leave heaven to save us but did so anyway in love.