Two people. Two OPPOSITE love languages. But, they in love. Can they make it work ?

[Jullianna]

I can MAKE a square peg fit into a round hole, but that round hole is gonna suffer some damage.

 

[Jullianna]

There's an old expression, "Talk is cheap."

Apparently it depends on who you're talking to.

: )

Lawyers???

 

[MissCris]

EXACTLY, Cris. THIS was exactly my point. You CAN MAKE it work, but why would you want to settle for that when there can be so much MORE? When you could possibly be with a person who speaks your language, knows what you need, takes the time to learn what you like, who shares your dreams?

YES!!! Yes, yes, yes!

But...sometimes...people convince themselves they don't deserve that, or that it will be fine, it won't be that hard, things will work out somehow with this person who doesn't have a clue how to show/accept love to/from them.

 

[Jullianna]

YES!!! Yes, yes, yes!

But...sometimes...people convince themselves they don't deserve that, or that it will be fine, it won't be that hard, things will work out somehow with this person who doesn't have a clue how to show/accept love to/from them.

It could be that sometimes. Other times it seems like a lot of folks settle for the first person who'll have them because they THINK it beats being alone. And sometimes...I think it's just pure laziness.

 

[Ugly]

EXACTLY, Cris. THIS was exactly my point. You CAN MAKE it work, but why would you want to settle for that when there can be so much MORE? When you could possibly be with a person who speaks your language, knows what you need, takes the time to learn what you like, who shares your dreams?

But... that's not the question...

 

[Jullianna]

But... that's not the question...

Nope. Those are my questions regarding the same topic, since I addressed Green's in my first post.

GREEN's question: "Two people. Two OPPOSITE love languages. But, they in love. Can they make it work ?"

MY ANSWER IN MY FIRST POST: If your question is simply "Can they make it work?", my answer would be probably, but why settle for "making it work"?

 

[Ugly]

Wow.. guess my usefulness has left this thread. Yet another one i apparently won't be returning to.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I think this falls into the "compatibility" category. Can incompatible people meet one another's needs? Yes, if they are both willing to try. First they have to KNOW what their needs are. What their partner's needs are. And be willing to go outside of their comfort zone to meet their partner's needs, while being understanding of their partner's love language as it presents itself to them. Marriage is about being selfless. If two people are selfless, they can make just about anything work.

But yeah, it's going to be more of a struggle than it would if they were naturally gifted in speaking in their partner's "language" and vice versa.

 

[Jullianna]

I think it is important to clarify whether we are talking about a dating/courting relationship vs. a marriage. If you are married, you've already made your choices for your life and, with God's help, you need to go at it with all you've got.

If, however, you are not already married, THIS is the time to give such things careful consideration so you won't wake up one morning and realize that the person lying beside you doesn't know you at all, and has no interest whatsoever in meeting your needs nor you theirs.

 

[jctraveler]

the bible says very clearly "be ye not unequally yoked". the instructions for how a man and woman are to love each other are very clear also. beyond that there's nothing in the bible, that i can find, that remotely relates to this so called love language. it's all hogwash.

 

[dliz]

Or you can let your spouse or boyfriend take the survey and later on compare each others result so that both of you will have a better understanding what kind of language you both need.


QUOTE=Jullianna;1280619]I think it is important to clarify whether we are talking about a dating/courting relationship vs. a marriage. If you are married, you've already made your choices for your life and, with God's help, you need to go at it with all you've got.

If, however, you are not already married, THIS is the time to give such things careful consideration so you won't wake up one morning and realize that the person lying beside you doesn't know you at all, and has no interest whatsoever in meeting your needs nor you theirs.[/QUOTE]

 

[GreenNnice]

I think it is important to clarify whether we are talking about a dating/courting relationship vs. a marriage. If you are married, you've already made your choices for your life and, with God's help, you need to go at it with all you've got.

If, however, you are not already married, THIS is the time to give such things careful consideration so you won't wake up one morning and realize that the person lying beside you doesn't know you at all, and has no interest whatsoever in meeting your needs nor you theirs.

Both scenarios.

I would like people's opinions on both scenarios, julieannie, and, I just see not working on something as simple as pleasing your other person via a love language that is there way wired to be loved as, yeah, 'giving up.'

Why would you want to make it work as opposed to going to find someone who wants to be loved the way you want to love them? I just think that IF you are IN LOVE with someone then the relationship is to a bigger stage than just at a point of saying, 'Oh, I see this person needs me to affirm them all the time for them to feel good; I'm outta here.'

I think, God wants us to work things out, I believe, that He can just have us in a relationship for a 'season,' too. But, it's important to make sure it is God who is the one OBVIOUSLY pointing us in a different life direction than a relationship with this person who needs a completely different kind of love for communication (language) in the relationship.'

And, wouldn't a relationship of two people who discover each other's love languages are opposite and work on fulfilling the other's love language thicken their relationship of love and also be going in faith of God's plan for their life ?

Also, on another note, I don't consider sex as any kind of love language whatsoever, I won't say that 'love languages' are hogwash, however, as, jayceetravels says, as love languages are important in the picture of God's plan, regardless of being literally in Scripture or not. Love langauges are physical things that humans need, that God provides, and, even, God uses to bring two people together or, even, show two people that they are already on the same page.

I would say, kind of, as I think graceHisrain says, but, not tooo many people have that great blessing of utopia love where you are going to meet someone and they are going to fit in a perfect box of 'love language' for you. YOu are going to struggle with understanding EXACTLY what is there way of being loved best. God will help us all through this exploration too.

Some get into marriage and realize their partner is totally different than they realized and a lot of that time, I think, it's because they change their love language, or, their partner just never realized what that love language really was but the other just kept thinking that eventually they will understand my love language. Nope, don't work that way, we need to communicate what our love language is to each other through simply giving that person who 'loved' us a return blessing in THEIR love language


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ugly, the Lord's not through with you yet, just keep being willing to a be a vessel for Him, you're HIGHLY useful, bro.

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mizcris, no, you, just as julieannie does, too, present perfectly legit argument, it is just that I don't like those answers so much. But, yes, 'resentment' can come of two people who are reciprocating love languages to each other that are not their true self. So, how does that kind of love language disconnect get connected ? Christ That's my answer, they need to, give that disconnected love feeling of reaching each other to God and He will connect the disconnectedness.

 

[Cee]

Hmm, my .02.

If I was dating a girl and she broke up with me because she just read the 5 love languages book and decided it would be too difficult for us to show/receive love. Then I'd consider that she didn't really love me.

Moral of the story: IMO, If you love someone regardless of challenges you can't see yourself with another person.

If obstacles like how we show/give love is too difficult for us to overcome, we really need to work on our relationship. I think it also shows a lack of trust, because if she feels like this is going to be work for her, she may not trust me to hang on with her through the storms.

My love language is touch/touch. I give and show love via touch. But at the same time, I get so much fulfillment out of knowing my partner feels love. I agree that its not so much about me, but about she. Books like this help us figure out how we can show maximum love and if they love us back, they will desire to do the same for us.

I'm like anti-acts of service because I'm a world changer personality, every minute counts etc, I can have someone else change the oil, but that being said, I would change the oil, if that's how my partner could feel safe and loved. And if I'm not willing to say that, then I think I would need to go back to the drawing board in our relationship and figure out what I'm truly attracted and "in love" with about her. Because if I can easily say next, then I don't think our relationship is nearly as strong as it might seem. Regardless of "external indicators".

C.

 

[lil_christian]

I'm with MissCris on this one.

If a woman kept baking me cakes and wanting to snuggle, and I kept trying to spend quality time and engage with her about what makes her special.

I'm going to break up with her.

Funny enough my top one is Quality time (the other is affirmation). But to my point:

If I get into a relationship, and he's going to try and smother me with gifts...I'm going to feel guilty and/or like he's trying to buy me into marrying him. I'm good at giving gifts, but beyond Christmas and birthdays, I'm baaad at receiving gifts. So I'd probably break up with him. Same would go for if he'd try to hug me all the time and stuff. While hugs are fine, I'm just not that affectionate, and it'd bug the heck outta me, and I'd be like, "Don't touch me!" and...yeah. It'd end in flames.

Now you could say, "Hey, I'm willing to make things work. We just have to find a balance." and I think that's fine, but it's going to make things just that much harder.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Hmm, my .02.

If I was dating a girl and she broke up with me because she just read the 5 love languages book and decided it would be too difficult for us to show/receive love. Then I'd consider that she didn't really love me.

Moral of the story: IMO, If you love someone regardless of challenges you can't see yourself with another person.

If obstacles like how we show/give love is too difficult for us to overcome, we really need to work on our relationship. I think it also shows a lack of trust, because if she feels like this is going to be work for her, she may not trust me to hang on with her through the storms.

My love language is touch/touch. I give and show love via touch. But at the same time, I get so much fulfillment out of knowing my partner feels love. I agree that its not so much about me, but about she. Books like this help us figure out how we can show maximum love and if they love us back, they will desire to do the same for us.

I'm like anti-acts of service because I'm a world changer personality, every minute counts etc, I can have someone else change the oil, but that being said, I would change the oil, if that's how my partner could feel safe and loved. And if I'm not willing to say that, then I think I would need to go back to the drawing board in our relationship and figure out what I'm truly attracted and "in love" with about her. Because if I can easily say next, then I don't think our relationship is nearly as strong as it might seem. Regardless of "external indicators".

C.

I completely understand the majority of the opinions here, but this post resonates most with my own personal situation, and what I was trying to say originally.

I have seen first hand what it looks like to "make it work". My parents have incompatible personalities, and opposite love languages. They "make it work", but their relationship sometimes faces strain that is directly caused by that incompatibility, much like what many of the posters here described. My mom, like me, gives/receives love through words, and my dad, like my boyfriend, gives/receives loves through actions. In my parents case, though they certainly love one another, they NEVER took the time to learn how to "speak" one another's love language, and I can see the tension this has caused.

In the case of my boyfriend and I, my hope and prayer was not to just make it work, but to make it thrive. We not only tried to understand and accept one another's love language, but we learned how to "speak" it ourselves. "Words of affirmation" may be my native tongue, but I have learned how to speak the language of "acts of service", and vice versa in his case. It's not a burden or a mask that I put on to try and please him. I have actually picked up new habits and learned how to communicate love in a new way, and this has gone past our relationship. I've noticed that I've gotten better at recognizing which of my other friends receive love through acts of service, and I have gotten a lot better and making them feel loved and appreciated. It really is like learning a real language! And, like learning a real spoken language, one must learn about culture and other context to really gain fluency. There are usually several reasons why a person identifies with a particular love language.

Idk, maybe the "love language" metaphor really works well in my head because I have always had a passion for learning new languages.

I'm not saying that if you start going out with someone and you're getting red flag signs of incompatibility all over the place that you should keep going out with them. But IMO, if you find a keeper, someone you really want to be with, it's possible to make it thrive.

 

[kayem77]

I'm sure there are many couples who have completely different love languages and who still made it succesfully. Sure, it will be harder, but I think that as long as you love each other and as long as you are both commited to putting the other first, it can not only work, but be a great relationship also. Some couples are so alike that they end up bored with each other, so I don't think that would be the problem. The key issue would be having the willingness to go the extra mile when needed.

 

[Jullianna]

I would say, kind of, as I think graceHisrain says, but, not tooo many people have that great blessing of utopia love where you are going to meet someone and they are going to fit in a perfect box of 'love language' for you. YOu are going to struggle with understanding EXACTLY what is there way of being loved best. God will help us all through this exploration too.

Therein lies the reason I feel as I do, Mr. Green. Once you HAVE known a loving relationship like that, once you know it can and DOES happen, you know you will never be happy with less than that, nor will you settle for less than that, even if it means being alone for a very long time. But I can only speak for myself in that regard. It may not be worth the wait for everyone.

 

[lil_christian]

I completely understand the majority of the opinions here, but this post resonates most with my own personal situation, and what I was trying to say originally.

I have seen first hand what it looks like to "make it work". My parents have incompatible personalities, and opposite love languages. They "make it work", but their relationship sometimes faces strain that is directly caused by that incompatibility, much like what many of the posters here described. My mom, like me, gives/receives love through words, and my dad, like my boyfriend, gives/receives loves through actions. In my parents case, though they certainly love one another, they NEVER took the time to learn how to "speak" one another's love language, and I can see the tension this has caused.

In the case of my boyfriend and I, my hope and prayer was not to just make it work, but to make it thrive. We not only tried to understand and accept one another's love language, but we learned how to "speak" it ourselves. "Words of affirmation" may be my native tongue, but I have learned how to speak the language of "acts of service", and vice versa in his case. It's not a burden or a mask that I put on to try and please him. I have actually picked up new habits and learned how to communicate love in a new way, and this has gone past our relationship. I've noticed that I've gotten better at recognizing which of my other friends receive love through acts of service, and I have gotten a lot better and making them feel loved and appreciated. It really is like learning a real language! And, like learning a real spoken language, one must learn about culture and other context to really gain fluency. There are usually several reasons why a person identifies with a particular love language.

Idk, maybe the "love language" metaphor really works well in my head because I have always had a passion for learning new languages.

I'm not saying that if you start going out with someone and you're getting red flag signs of incompatibility all over the place that you should keep going out with them. But IMO, if you find a keeper, someone you really want to be with, it's possible to make it thrive.

I think there might be another point to look at - How different your love languages are. Well, even though your languages are different, those two don't seem like they're impossible to work with. They sound a little more compatible than others, I guess.

But if someone's top love language is gift giving, and receiving gifts is at the very bottom for another, I don't see how those can work out very well. Or if someone's top love language is physical affection, and for the other person's it's at the bottom, I see an issue. Neither one will be able to express themselves very well.

 

[GreenNnice]

Therein lies the reason I feel as I do, Mr. Green. Once you HAVE known a loving relationship like that, once you know it can and DOES happen, you know you will never be happy with less than that, nor will you settle for less than that, even if it means being alone for a very long time. But I can only speak for myself in that regard. It may not be worth the wait for everyone.

This makes sense, I've never been 'in love' in a long relationship, so, maybe, I would be less wanting to stay in one if I had. I still think that I would want to work things out if I was in love with someone, that I would want to, at great cost, want to try and please them ONCE I knew what her love language was The Lord leads. But, I just can't see Him having set me up with someone and my becoming attached to them in a relationship and then, finally, after 2-3 months having a changing MOMENT where I realize that she and I don't know how to express our love to each other in good Christian capacity. (Sex is NEVER the answer in an unwed relationship and is a GREAT part of the relationship for the wed).
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I think there might be another point to look at - How different your love languages are. Well, even though your languages are different, those two don't seem like they're impossible to work with. They sound a little more compatible than others, I guess.

But if someone's top love language is gift giving, and receiving gifts is at the very bottom for another, I don't see how those can work out very well. Or if someone's top love language is physical affection, and for the other person's it's at the bottom, I see an issue. Neither one will be able to express themselves very well.

HisLoveneverfails:

We not only tried to understand and accept one another's love language, but we learned how to "speak" it ourselves. "Words of affirmation" may be my native tongue, but I have learned how to speak the language of "acts of service", and vice versa in his case. It's not a burden or a mask that I put on to try and please him. I have actually picked up new habits and learned how to communicate love in a new way, and this has gone past our relationship. I've noticed that I've gotten better at recognizing which of my other friends receive love through acts of service, and I have gotten a lot better and making them feel loved and appreciated. It really is like learning a real language! And, like learning a real spoken language, one must learn about culture and other context to really gain fluency.

I think, the Alaska girl says it very well. The font size changes are for emphasis, just like all my caps when I write, I pray, hope, I don't turn peoople off.
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littleChristone , milady, the Lord leads, and, your concerns are real and valid. But, let Him lead you to the love of another and when things seem tough don't just want to go off to what your ideal is of love, but want His love for you to be your guiding light

. You are young, like you said, 17 and life. at '18 and life' you can listen to the song. JK. I don't recommend the song either, it's secular and I only reco good Godly music, especially young peoples, there's so much influence in the tragedy of love's clarity that is not His Love that clarifies our lives wholesomely differently, in Love with Him

But, yeah, I think, that there can be clarity found, and, in a great way of love, that will expand and last and transcend from that beginning trying of speaking the other's love language that otherwise would not be there.

Like, I think, it was kayEM who said but if you are too much the same and know so much about each other of expressing love it can become 'boring.' I don't say this to condescend, as that kind of relationship can absolutely work, as, I think, best friends have an awful lot in common but i guess this leads to my next point.


I think, that those who begin, deep into the relationship, that is, at a stage of really being 'in love' with each other, that you HAVE a definite like of doing the same things together, but that's different, YOU ARE FINDING OUT SUDDENLY, from really understanding how to express love to them Again, for unmarrieds, SEX is so not love. I'm speaking of deepening your relationship past a doing of the same things liking to a expressing to each other's love language understanding, as He gives breadth and depth to your spirits that are wanting both to live for Him

 

[CatHerder]

Of the 5 love languages, what happens when two people who are in love realize that they are complete opposites in how they speak to each other in love language.

I don't understand how two people who are polar opposites in this could really come to be "in love." It seems that they wouldn't really have enough to keep their relationship afloat by the time they got really serious. I suppose, if both feel desperate for a relationship and had the perception that there was nobody else out there, then they could feasibly gravitate toward one another and "force" it to work, despite the incompatibility..

One of the two is always wanting you to do acts of service for them, like, opening their door for restaurants, and, pushing in their seat at the table before going to your own seat, and, you LOVE this person, but you HATE doing acts of service.

For the most part, that is just how a gentleman treats a lady. Yes, one can go overboard with this behavior and be TOO doting, but overall, this is something I would like to see returning to our culture. I don't see this as a "love language" though....just a reasonable expectation of a man with class.

And, gets worse, the other person hates the way that YOU ( their mate/girlfriend/boyfriend) NEED to have love expressed by them to YOU, which is Words of Affirmation. You just don't give complements well !

I think a couple should be able to talk to each other. Affirmation should be part of the regular communication, and if one or the other doesn't give compliments well, I say TOUGH!. To have a separate conversation just to affirm someone seems a bit contrived. Again, I see this as just a part of a healthy relationship rather than a "love language."

Can this kind of relationship make it ?
Because I see your examples as the couple expressing selfishness rather than a preference of love languages, I would say that they probably would not.

Let's take this from a singles perspective AND a married person's perspective because I would like both's perspectives and experiences of this topic.

For your situation that was of this kind of love language extreme contrast, what happened to change things for the better? God intervened how? What did He tell you to do, how did He lead you to tolerate and, EVEN, become accepting of your mate's NEEDED love language.



[HR][/HR]

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