When People React to Rejection By Insulting the Other Person...

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I try to be really careful and kind with any sort of rejection - maybe too much so. But twice I've had men ask for my number, and when I explained that I don't typically give my number out they became accusatory and insulting. My reaction was shock, then anger. I did not question my self-worth. I rather questioned their sanity and childish behavior. And later on... I was very grateful that they revealed their true character. Sometimes people amaze me with what they have lurking under the surface. The way people handle rejection - especially rejection that has no malice or "fault" on either side - is a pretty important character determining factor.

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?

These are some of the only times in my life when I've thrown caution to the wind and called them out on it. Sometimes something is so unjustified that it needs to be dealt with. Then I wipe the dust from my feet and disassociate myself with them completely.

* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?

No, I can't remember ever doing this. People have a right to be interested in who they are interested in. Well, unless you are married to them.

* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

I don't know that I've witnessed this myself yet. Most of the people I know have been very respectful after finding their interest to be uninterested. I guess a good question to ask would be "Where is all this really coming from? Be confident in yourself. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you, and that is obviously not this person."

 

[jeremyPJ]

yeah, fair enough. But I'm tired of settling.

 

[jeremyPJ]

above post is incomplete, not enough time to fix. sorry

 

[jeremyPJ]

Perhaps a slightly better wording might be that you end up settling for crappy relationships?

sure, works for me.

 

[Jak795]

To me, anyone that starts getting insulting and accusing because you don't give out your number right away is not meant for you. I've been stabbed in the back several times by people, most of which were from people that I was close to. That has put huge emotional wounds on me that still hurt to this day. Since then I've been hesitant on trusting others in fear it will happen again.

Anyone that doesn't have the patience to understand why a person is hesitant on being close or getting personal right out of the gate. That's a strong sign they are not interested in starting something legit with you. Rather, they are probably looking to get something out of you and once they get it, they will move on.

 

[jennymae]

I'm going to explain my irritation on this subject on an instance I dealt with earlier this year.

I was going to a worship group, became interested in someone. Called her after a meeting, had a bit of decent convo, asked her out. She nicely said "after the first of the year". I thought okay, holidays, etc. Makes sense...(my nice guy side kicking in, not good.)

After this, I noticed shrouded discomfort from her toward me, along with her friends doing the same, some laughing behind me about it. Heard in a convo in the background a few meetings later she wasn't interested but didn't have the guts to tell me. This on the same night I had asked for a haircut appt. and got a short quick answer. So obviously I got tired of messing with her. So I skipped the appointment, letting her know I prefer not be made a fool of, and skipped the next two meetings, as I felt badly about it. Next one I went to we celebrated her bday, the leader of the meeting very strongly "uplifted her value" (!), basically let me know where I stood with the group (I was an outsider, not from that town). Totally familiar with that from the past, was hoping Christians would be better.

A big deal around there. So I broke contact with all. I no longer attend church, some have asked me to come back but some from the casual mid-week meeting push me away on FB, so I really am not interested. I felt ostracized and lied to and betrayed. I was a nice guy and that's always what I get, so it seems.

So, ?????
Did I act appropriately? I lust don't understand women's thinking. Perhaps I never will. Makes me feel like giving up, as this has plagued me all my life. It's why I end up settling for crappy women, with bad life results. I just don't understand "the secret code" of women and their strong friends.

I think what you dont understand is this particular lady. Females covers every part of the good side and the bad side of humanity. But there's one thing in your post that made me think. You're saying you always end up settling for crappy women...and maybe that is part of the answer. Two...or maybe three of my friends are always after the bad guys...and what they get is bad guys. Guys treating them poorly over and over again...and just out of curiousity I've been asking them numerous times "Why you doing this?", but they dont know, they like them, they find them attractive etc. But they always end up like worn out shoes...causing a lot of drama in the process...maybe that's what they like, I dont know. In my opinion, and mind you, this is just my opinion based on what you wrote above here, you might should go for a different kinda girl, not the crappy ones, but the good ones...girls who cant make a decission without consulting all their friends might not be the kind youre looking for...and girls making fun of you because youre asking them out is no good. I think you have a good chance of finding a girl that is not crappy, but also I think you need to change your ways of getting to know a lady, because you dont NEED to make her believe it is okay to walk all over you...

 

[seoulsearch]

But twice I've had men ask for my number, and when I explained that I don't typically give my number out they became accusatory and insulting. My reaction was shock, then anger. I did not question my self-worth. I rather questioned their sanity and childish behavior. And later on... I was very grateful that they revealed their true character. Sometimes people amaze me with what they have lurking under the surface. The way people handle rejection - especially rejection that has no malice or "fault" on either side - is a pretty important character determining factor.

Thank you for mentioning this crucial point, Grace!

A major reason I wrote this post is because many of our younger friends out there, or those who are new to online dating, might feel pressured into all sorts of situations, such as someone wanting their number right away, or saying something like, "Oh yeah? I bet you're really ugly... or maybe you're not even a girl... and that's why you won't send me pictures..."

I've had SEVERAL times where I refused to give out my number right away and it's been the OTHER person who's called ME childish and immature for not doing so. One guy told me he was "adult enough" to "not be paranoid". Well, that's all fine and dandy and hey, if exchanging numbers with someone the minute they instant message works for you, God bless you.

All I can say is, I've known a lot of people who have done that--and I've lost count of the times they had to change their number. I've never had to change my number but I did give my number to a guy here years ago who wanted to ask me about my adoption (which was something we had in common, including being adopted from the same agency) and he started calling me at all hours while he was drunk. Fortunately, it stopped after I asked him not to call me anymore and he disappeared from the site a few months later.

Ladies and gentlemen, DO NOT feel manipulated or give in to someone who insults you in order to get what they want, whether it be your number, a picture, or anything else.

(I admit to being a bit of a hypocrite in this area myself. I had never used a picture of myself as an avatar until several years ago in the forums, an older man accused me of being a dried-up old hag who couldn't get a date and said that must be why I was single and writing threads here all the time. I didn't have any personal contact with him--he was someone who confronted me publicly in the forums. Eventually, I decided to start using a picture... so people could see who was writing all this nonsense! )

 

[Lynx]

For some reason I'm reminded of a short poem I once heard:

Is this love?
Or only gas?
Will it stay?
Or quickly pass?



But anyway... about pictures, I'm reminded of one friend of mine who never gives her picture online. Something about a promise she made her father. She and I had been talking on IM for a while and I decided to send her a picture of me. Not as a precursor to dating - she's a photographer and I wanted to show her why I don't like me in photographs. I take a terrible picture.

At the time I didn't know about her promise to her father, and I asked what she looked like. She declined to send me a picture of her. Then she said, "I didn't ask you to send me your picture."

I said, "Um... I didn't say 'But I sent you MY picture!' But from your automatic response I'm guessing you get that line a lot, to the extent that you expect it from anyone who sends you a picture."

 

[melita916]

A major reason I wrote this post is because many of our younger friends out there, or those who are new to online dating, might feel pressured into all sorts of situations, such as someone wanting their number right away, or saying something like, "Oh yeah? I bet you're really ugly... or maybe you're not even a girl... and that's why you won't send me pictures...

there was one dude who messaged me with all kinds of questions. i knew exactly where he was going with the conversation. he then asked to exchange phone numbers, and i said i don't give out that info. "well maybe we can keep messaging and when you're comfortable, we can then exchange numbers." so i said i'm here to make friends and that i welcome messages, but i wasn't looking for anything more than that. aaaaaand he never wrote me again.

did i feel bad for saying no? nah. lol did i offend him? i have no idea. but i'm glad he didn't insult me. well maybe he did but he didn't say it? oh well.

 

[Willie-T]

This thread has made me aware that a number of people might benefit from this little book, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am by: John Powell. (if I recall correctly) I first read this book back when I was 21, and I still keep it on my shelf.

 

[kenthomas27]

I try to be really careful and kind with any sort of rejection - maybe too much so. But twice I've had men ask for my number, and when I explained that I don't typically give my number out they became accusatory and insulting. My reaction was shock, then anger. I did not question my self-worth. I rather questioned their sanity and childish behavior. And later on... I was very grateful that they revealed their true character. Sometimes people amaze me with what they have lurking under the surface. The way people handle rejection - especially rejection that has no malice or "fault" on either side - is a pretty important character determining factor.

You know, I have no idea who you're talking about here, but I wasn't accusing you of anything. And there was a bee so anybody would jump around if there was a bee.

 

[Willie-T]

Here are some quotes from that book I mentioned earlier....

John Powell, "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?"

* The unreflected life isn't worth living. (Socrates)

* I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have.

* I can help you to accept and open yourself mostly by accepting and revealing myself.

* I can only know that much of myself which I have had the courage to confide to you.

* What you and I really need is a moment of truth and a habit of truth with ourselves. We have to ask ourselves in the quiet, personal privacy of our own minds and hearts: What games do I play? What is it that I am trying to hide? What is it that I hope to win?

* A growing person is self-renewing as new as each day. Study his face and hands listen to his voice, look for change, it is certain that he has changed.

* The defensive person cannot be a growing person because his world is no bigger than himself and the circle of his horizons is closed.

* The fully human being can go outside of himself, can be committed to a cause; and he does this freely. Of course, the fully human being must be free.

* The fully human being, in his love, does not identify himself with what he loves, as though they were accretions to himself.

* There is neither freedom nor real life without an apprenticeship in dispossession.

* The behavior of the fully human being is always unpredictable - simply because it is free.

* When man lives fully in all of his faculties, and harmonizes all of his powers, human nature will prove constructive and trustworthy.

* The fully human person is an Actor not a Reactor.

* Fully human person is his own person, that he does not bend to every wind which blows, that he is riot at the mercy of all the pettiness, the meanness, the impatience and anger of others. Atmospheres do not transform him as much as he transforms them.

* In fully human person, there is a balance of senses, emotions, intellect and will.

* What I am, at any given moment in the process of my becoming a person, will be determined by my relationships with those who love me or refuse to love me, with those whom I love or refuse to love.

* It is certain that a relationship will be only as good as its communication. If you and I can honestly tell each other who we are, … then and then only can each of grow.

* I must be able to tell you who I am before I can know who I am. And I must know who I am before I can act truly, that is, in accordance with my true self.

* Human life has its laws, one of which is: We must use things and love people… not love things and use people.

* To refuse the invitation to interpersonal encounter is to be an isolated dot in the center of a great circle… a small island in a vast ocean.

* Paul Simon, "Sound of Silence"
And in the naked night I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more,
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never shared.
No one dared disturb the sounds of silence.

* Dishonesty always has a way of coming back to haunt and trouble us.

* To reveal myself openly and honestly takes the rawest kind of courage.

* The non-repression of our emotions means that we must experience, recognize, and accept our emotions fully.

* Feelings are like steam that is gathering inside of a kettle. Kept inside and gathering strength, they can blow the human lid off, just as the steam inside of the kettle will blow off the lid of the kettle.

* We do not bury our emotions dead; they remain alive in our subconscious minds and intestines, to hurt and trouble us.

* Anyone who builds a relationship on less than openness and honesty is building on sand.

* All communication must obviously respect not only the transmitter of the communication but also the receiver who is to accept the communication.

* If I am willing to step out of the darkness of my prison, to expose the deepest part of me to another person, the result is almost always automatic and immediate: the other person feels empowered to reveal himself to me.

* Whatever my secrets are, remember when I entrust them to you, they are part of me.

* Your emotions and how you deal with them will probably make you or break you in the adventure of life.

* Anyone who feels that he is understood will certainly feel that he is loved.

* To understand people, I must try to hear what they are not saying, what they perhaps will never be able to say.

* "Sorry, this is the way I am… I was like this in the beginning, am now, and ever shall be…" is a handy
motto and delusion to have around you if you don't want to grow up.

 

[MissCris]

This thread reminded me of when my first husband told me he wouldn't file the divorce papers and then went ahead and filed them all sneaky-like...Talk about being rejected...and I told him that the cookies my mom and I had made for him had arsenic in them, so good luck with that.

I think that's the only time I lashed out immaturely over being rejected. I hope. I can't remember.

There's been a couple of instances of me having to turn people down, and they got angry and called me some fun names, accused me of all kinds of cowardice, and generally just threw tantrums at me. It stung, because they were (I had thought) nice people who I was trying not to hurt.

Anyway. There were questions in the OP, weren't there? Oops.

 

[cmarieh]

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?
I don't remember ever being in a scenario in the question. However, I have been insulted many times and because I hold everything in I take it very hard and I end up breaking down in private. Although, when I am in the middle of the insult I never say anything and I just walk away.
* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?
Again, I don't put other people down who reject me granted I would be lying if I didn't admit to it once or twice, but that was when I was back in elementary school. Now, that I have gotten older and wiser I don't say anything and walk away. When I am by myself I break down and cry and after I can't breathe because of crying so hard I pray for that person to know what God's love is and that God reveals himself to them in a mighty way and that God protects them.
* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?
I have actually cut in once and kindly told them to be softer about it. Although, I usually go after the person that was rejected and offer empathy and hear them out. I tell them that they don't deserve a friendship that you have to offer. I then tell the person that I would be there for them and be praying for the situation to be resolved.

I think there are two reasons why people reject others. One being that they are envious of what the other person has to offer because they can't offer it. Two, is many people reject others before they get a chance to get rejected, in their mind save them from heartbreak later on.

 

[Breeze7]

I feel Time is the trickster or illusioning element in the scenario you described. Both men and women fall for the fallacy that time in life is running out. Instead of thinking all is happening thru me I am forever they think everything is happening to me and I've only a limited time. I better hurry up and get with this person. Yet, if Christ is granting us eternal life than we shouldn't stress so much if a person doesn't want to be with us or have our company. Heaven sees, the father knows how to give good gifts. But what a downer those people are, ah life is life.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

You know, I have no idea who you're talking about here, but I wasn't accusing you of anything. And there was a bee so anybody would jump around if there was a bee.

You know, the bee explains just about everything.

 

[newlife7]

Bend with the reed go with the flow that's what I always say! Lol

 

[RD707]

It all comes down to pride. Anyone with a fragile ego (which is most of us) will not respond well to rejection no matter how gentle the approach. Rejection hurts, it doesn't tickle....

 

[Desdichado]

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested? ?

I would laugh. I mean I rejected them for a reason.

* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection? ?

The best way to deal with rejection is to cut your losses and move on to the next prospect. Slinging insults in response is just petty and weak.

* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

There is nothing you really can do to turn the situation around. That's all in their ballpark as far as I'm concerned.

I mean maybe I would call another man a tool for it, but my first inclination is to ignore their situation. That and maybe ask the girl who rejected him out myself, because why not?

 

[Braylay]

Hey Singles,

A young man made a comment a few days ago that really bothered me: "Yeah... I've been trying to talk to Shelly (not her real name)... but she's such a ho. All the girls around here are just big whores."

For the sake of privacy I don't want to give too many details about the situation, but what I do know is that this particular young man would really, really, REALLY like to have a girlfriend and has talked about that fact quite often. And the young lady he was talking about, for whatever her reasons may be, is just not interested in him. (I wanted to ask him, "If Shelly and all the girls here are of so little value in your eyes, why are you working so hard to try to make one of them your girlfriend?")

I've seen this happen time and time again: Person X likes Person Y. Person X tries to ask Person Y out, but Person Y just isn't interested, for their own reasons. Person X then says vicious things to Person Y or about Person Y to other people.

To be completely honest I don't hear it as much from women ("Wow, I just tried to flirt with him and he totally ignored me... What a male whore!"), though I do know women have their own ways of doing the same thing. I'm not saying women don't do the same, I'm just saying that maybe I hear more men talk about it because men tend to ask women out more than women ask men out (at least, it seems that way around here.)

I have also been in dating chat rooms where, if a person of another color is rejected, he or she will claim that the other person is racist. (Um... that could be a possibility... but maybe it also has to do with the fact that your initial attitude is the assumption that everyone is against you to begin with.)

Worst of all, I hate seeing people play the "You're Not All That" card in order to try to manipulate someone into giving in to what they want.

In my own life, I recently faced a situation in which several people were trying to fix me up with someone I just wasn't interested in. I don't want to go into that person's life details, but they have a lot going on in life, including some things that firmly go against my own personal morals and values.

Now I hear things such as, "Kim is just mean," "She thinks she's too good for anyone else," and, "No one is good enough for her." There are probably worse things that have been said that just haven't gotten back to me yet.

So sorry to disappoint the masses. Have I mentioned I can be a bit stubborn? And this is one of the times when I'm standing my ground and not budging, no matter what people have to say. I haven't always done so, and at least one of my relationships was a cave-in to peer pressure (I've been told for years that I think I'm too good for anyone and that I should "just give so-and-so a chance"... One time I did, even though the entire situation made me deathly uncomfortable... But my friends told me I was being a big snob, and so I gave in. And it was pure hell the entire time.)

I understand that rejection is hard to deal with. I also understand that some people who try to play matchmaker can have good intentions. But it really bothers me that people are so offended by rejection that they resort to heartlessly insulting the other person. If the person they had their eye on is really that terrible, why on earth did they try to talk to them in the first place?

Not that I haven't had my own bad reactions when faced with rejection. I guess for me, when I was younger, I'd take it more as a fault in myself than the other person.

Questions to ponder:

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?
* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?
* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

I don't generally react to these things. Whatever he wants to call me or thinks i am is his problem, not mine.
I was rejected by a girl i tried to be friends with a year ago. No, i didn't call her names, nor would i. A more constructive way to deal with rejection? Move on...
I'm not sure I've heard anyone openly insulting someone who has rejected them. I'm not sure how i could turn that situation around. Should probably think about that though.