Why Does Society Seem to Think That Cougars... Should Be Shot? (Older Woman and Younger Men.)

[TheNarrowPath]

Would the 27 year old date her if she wasnt Madonna? Would the bunnies be interested in HH if he lived in a plain old suburb? Some people dont like the idea of a woman in charge and that is what Madonna represents. Ive met mature young men who dont like dating their own age but what Ive found about them is that they tend to be submissive or need mothering in some way. I wouldnt be interested in that kind of relationship. Traditionally men are the alphas, and I think women who challenge that will find out the hard way that usually it is not a good idea. Sorry if I didnt answer your question lol

 

[Hazelelponi]

I think it's well-explained in the first post that one of the points I'm making here is that society much more readily accepts when a man is much older than the woman.

But if the woman is much older than the man, society will very much try to "shoot" her reputation.

Her reputation yes, although your belief that it's more acceptable of men than women I do disagree. I think they are seen very similarly... The young woman is accused of gold digging and the older man is ridiculed for dating a woman his daughters age...

At least it's that way in the circle I prefer to run in.. I've never seen it treated as acceptable for anyone.

 

[seoulsearch]

Would the 27 year old date her if she wasnt Madonna? Would the bunnies be interested in HH if he lived in a plain old suburb? Some people dont like the idea of a woman in charge and that is what Madonna represents. Ive met mature young men who dont like dating their own age but what Ive found about them is that they tend to be submissive or need mothering in some way. I wouldnt be interested in that kind of relationship. Traditionally men are the alphas, and I think women who challenge that will find out the hard way that usually it is not a good idea. Sorry if I didnt answer your question lol

Exactly, Narrow.

Give them a choice between a famous older rich person... and just a plain everyday person, and I think the results would be much different.

I agree with you about some younger men looking for mothering in the same way some younger women are looking for a father figure.

With the younger men I've met, they were tired of dating women their own age because bad experiences (immaturity, using them for money, etc.)

I would personally be intimidated by someone who was eons ahead of me as far as money and power -- I have to have some kind of foundation, some area in which the playing field is level so that someone can't try to manipulate bully me into being their kept pet.

 

[seoulsearch]

Her reputation yes, although your belief that it's more acceptable of men than women I do disagree. I think they are seen very similarly... The young woman is accused of gold digging and the older man is ridiculed for dating a woman his daughters age...

At least it's that way in the circle I prefer to run in.. I've never seen it treated as acceptable for anyone.

I agree with you very much in that the young woman is seen as a gold digger and the older man is seen as a cradle robber.

But what about when it's the woman who is older and the man who is younger? This is what we're focusing on here.

I understand what you said in your previous post about the mother/son issue if the age gap was too much.

In my case, I don't have kids so I've never seen young people as being "my child's age"; young people often befriend me because I guess people say I look younger and I'm often chatted up by whose who also don't have kids.

 

[17Bees]

I fully concur with @Subhumanoidal.

My Lutheran kindergarten through high school graduation experience had a strong running theme of, "Don't think about it, don't ask about it, and for the love of Pete, don't you dare ask us about it!!!"

So let's get this straight: people aren't allowed to ask honest questions in Christian schools, or in Christian churches, or on Christian websites. What, pray tell, is left? Suffering in silence, and without knowing who God really is because no one will address their concerns. And yet, people wonder why so many leave the church in droves. Why don't they see how frustrated, lonely, and abandoned many of them feel -- most especially by the church. There have been many times I've wanted to walk away from Christianity myself because of this.

When I was growing up, I often wished I had a big sister/trusted aunt I could talk to about all the things troubling me that school and church would drown out with "HUSH, CHILD!" whenever someone tried. So I told God that if I couldn't have that kind of person in my life, I would try my best to be one to others when I got older.

Now of course, I'm not trying to advocate anything obscene. But let's say someone in the Family Forum wrote a thread stating, "My Spouse Refused to Have Sex With Me," and we singles came in declaring the thread to be "inappropriate" and not fit for a Christian website. But what if it was mostly because we were a group of abstinent singles who had no experience with what was being talked about? Yet what if we tried to dictate how the discussion should go? (Spoiler alert: there have been LOTS of threads over the years in which married people have talked about the problems within their most personal lives.) If the subject is being talked about in a reasonable, acceptable and Biblical manner, the main reason people would be objecting is because it doesn't pertain to them, and therefore, no one else wants to talk about it either. But that's just not the case.

Similarly, if a married person doesn't like what the singles are talking about, my first question is, what personal experience do you have with the subject? If you're familiar with it, what helpful suggestions do you have to make the thread even better?

But if it's someone doesn't have any experience with the topic and worse yet, doesn't realize this is what singles are facing in real life, how can they expect to tell us what we should or shouldn't be allowed to discuss? Especially since I think the mean age of the audience now is around 40 and well past the age of being kids who need permission.

The very reason I write these threads is to hopefully let people know that, "Yes, God cares about you, He cares about these things you are going through, even if no one has let you talk about it before, and there are other Christian singles who are going through the same thing. We DON'T shy away from hard topics here -- and we would love to have you join the conversation."

This was an enormously beneficial reply. If I can add one other thing, I'm often struck by the number of CCForum members, both male and female, who confess they've never been on a date. I can actually name several people. Coupled with that, further confession that they are virgin and 35 years old or 40, whatever. They've never been in a relationship, never dated anyone, never have known any sexual relation. Then feel funny about it. Hate to confess it. Hate to be the oddball. Sometimes they'll even ask what is wrong them, what can they improve! What are they doing wrong.

That's just so painful to me. It's like a badge of honor, but instead it's treated like some kind of disability. It's like people say "she had such a bright future, but now....(sigh).... this". What they are doing is an awesome plight of righteousness. It's a work of morality that supersedes the work of irreverence to God's word, and yet those good people almost apologize for the life they lead while I hold them in such high regard. I wish I was like them. That's the pain. It's a conviction for me.

 

[Bluesproverb]

I don't know where you're getting this idea that anyone thinks marriage that involves significant age gaps should be "shot", however it's uncomfortably weird, regardless of the gender of the older person.

I had just turned 15 years old when I gave birth to my oldest son. Right now I'm 53 and he is 38.

When people his age or younger "hit on" me it's weird. It's like my own child having a nutty sexual fantasy at my expense...

And I have had children get all puppy dog chasing a potential fantasy around me. It's a fantasy that personally makes me want to spew vomit - I don't want to be with a child... Whether they are adult children or not

My son is oddly similar. He cannot stomach a relationship with women his age or slightly older.. he goes for what does not seem like a sex fantasy with mom, aka younger women

But we grew up so close in age that we still to this day seem more like brother/sister than mother/son

So I for one can't even begin to wrap my head around what seems sick/deviant to me... When everyone is adult I guess it's their business, but man it's so weird to me.

They think society believes the women cougars should be shot. Reputation only entered, 'reputation' shot, pages after the OP and title.
'Cougar' is a Stereotype.
So too is ''Manther'', the term for older men who date younger women.

Reading the tenor of the OP it appears to be a personal vent cast onto society thinking that way.

I fully concur with @Subhumanoidal.

You fully concur with an unbeliever chastising the church they know nothing about being an unbeliever who doesn't attend church.

 

[seoulsearch]

This was an enormously beneficial reply. If I can add one other thing, I'm often struck by the number of CCForum members, both male and female, who confess they've never been on a date. I can actually name several people. Coupled with that, further confession that they are virgin and 35 years old or 40, whatever. They've never been in a relationship, never dated anyone, never have known any sexual relation. Then feel funny about it. Hate to confess it. Hate to be the oddball. Sometimes they'll even ask what is wrong them, what can they improve! What are they doing wrong.

That's just so painful to me. It's like a badge of honor, but instead it's treated like some kind of disability. It's like people say "she had such a bright future, but now....(sigh).... this". What they are doing is an awesome plight of righteousness. It's a work of morality that supersedes the work of irreverence to God's word, and yet those good people almost apologize for the life they lead while I hold them in such high regard. I wish I was like them. That's the pain. It's a conviction for me.

Thank you so much for this, Bees.

You just highlighted one of the major reasons why I think threads like this are so important. They allow people to share, and what they share, whether they realize it or not, touches other people.

I would love it if these threads were a place where people could talk about the things such as what you've mentioned and we can all cheer them on as heroes rather than outcasts. And for those who have fallen, the message is always to be, "Get back up! You can do it! God will help you and we're all rooting for you!"

I understand exactly what you mean about conviction as well, and it's funny how on the surface, the person sharing might think they have just put up the most vanilla, innocuous post in the thread, but that might very well be the one that convicts their audience the most.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I agree with you very much in that the young woman is seen as a gold digger and the older man is seen as a cradle robber.

But what about when it's the woman who is older and the man who is younger? This is what we're focusing on here.

I understand what you said in your previous post about the mother/son issue if the age gap was too much.

In my case, I don't have kids so I've never seen young people as being "my child's age"; young people often befriend me because I guess people say I look younger and I'm often chatted up by whose who also don't have kids.

I understand the topic at hand is concerning older women and younger men - I was simply disagreeing that there was more acceptance in reverse, it's never been acceptable with those I would call my friends.

I pointed out my personal situation because that absolutely does create bias, so I can't avoid the fact that bias exists.

It's rather rare - or at least it used to be - for anyone to escape past their 20's unmarried and childless.

I do see it as a reasonably new phenomenon that people are getting older without ever being married, and certainly that takes biases such as what the married with children crowd would have, such as myself.

My thoughts on the matter is if there are only adults involved and no one is being manipulated or harmed, and they have found a peace and happiness together then going their own way regardless of the whispers would be in order. But so long as the married with children crowd exists, there will always be disapproval.

 

[seoulsearch]

They think society believes the women cougars should be shot. Reputation only entered, 'reputation' shot, pages after the OP and title.
'Cougar' is a Stereotype.
So too is ''Manther'', the term for older men who date younger women.

Reading the tenor of the OP it appears to be a personal vent cast onto society thinking that way.



You fully concur with an unbeliever chastising the church they know nothing about being an unbeliever who doesn't attend church.

You don't know Sub's story.

Granted, I don't know his full story either, as it is his story. Sub has been here almost as long as I have, but not under the name you currently read.

I don't want to say too much as it is his story to tell, and I hope he won't be mad at me for saying this but (@Subhumanoidal, you are free to correct me,) was once a very deeply committed Christian brother, heavily involved in church and the youth ministry.

He has gone through more in this life than I could ever imagine, and the same churches he served chewed him up and spit him out.

I stand by what I said.

I concur with Sub because it is people speaking exactly as you are that drove him away.

And when I read posts like yours, judging him without knowing about the years of heartfelt testimonies he has given here, I often feel that I am only half a step behind him.

Maybe Sub is here because God wants to see what Christian people will do when they encounter others who have been on the path Sub has been on -- being driven out of the church -- without even knowing he was once there.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I often feel that I am only half a step behind him

Focus on Christ, not on man. Keep your eyes on Him, always.

 

[seoulsearch]

There are other users here who have been here a long time; sometimes under the same name, sometimes deleting one account and coming back under a new identity, who originally identified as Christian, but over time, have changed their status to "Unsure" or "Not Christian" -- because of the way they were treated here and/or because of the arguments they saw here daily.

There might be a whole story behind the label someone puts up in their profile, and it might not have always been what it is now.

Our support and prayers could make a big difference in changing that back (God might even be holding us responsible in some cases.)

 

[TheNarrowPath]

Remember the rule of thumb for dating lol half your age plus 7. 🤣

 

[seoulsearch]

Focus on Christ, not on man. Keep your eyes on Him, always.

Oh, you bet your bottom dollar I do.

With all the criticisms these threads bring out, one of the most beneficial things it's reinforced for me is to keep my eye on His (Jesus') lead and keep going forward.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Oh, you bet your bottom dollar I do.

With all the criticisms these threads bring out, one of the most beneficial things it's reinforced for me is to keep my eye on His (Jesus') lead and keep going forward.

Amen and Amen!

 

[seoulsearch]

Focus on Christ, not on man. Keep your eyes on Him, always.

Hazel,

I also wanted to tell you thank you for talking about your life and experiences.

It's really important that we singles hear about how married life really is, and I appreciate that you are willing to share that with us.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

This was an enormously beneficial reply. If I can add one other thing, I'm often struck by the number of CCForum members, both male and female, who confess they've never been on a date. I can actually name several people. Coupled with that, further confession that they are virgin and 35 years old or 40, whatever. They've never been in a relationship, never dated anyone, never have known any sexual relation. Then feel funny about it. Hate to confess it. Hate to be the oddball. Sometimes they'll even ask what is wrong them, what can they improve! What are they doing wrong.

That's just so painful to me. It's like a badge of honor, but instead it's treated like some kind of disability. It's like people say "she had such a bright future, but now....(sigh).... this". What they are doing is an awesome plight of righteousness. It's a work of morality that supersedes the work of irreverence to God's word, and yet those good people almost apologize for the life they lead while I hold them in such high regard. I wish I was like them. That's the pain. It's a conviction for me.

Hard getting to the marriage and remaining a virgin in this world. Is this just a rite of passage or growing pains?

 

[seoulsearch]

Remember the rule of thumb for dating lol half your age plus 7. 🤣

I guess I'm in trouble because even my friends will tell you I often have the mind of a teenager.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hazel,

I also wanted to tell you thank you for talking about your life and experiences.

It's really important that we singles hear about how married life really is, and I appreciate that you are willing to share that with us.

You're very welcome. I have lived through so many experiences in my life that I figure I might bring something to the table by sharing with others from my own. Everyone is always free to take them or leave them as they please, but other perspectives often help when thinking life topics through...

I'm glad that you're getting something positive from my posts of my experiences.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

I guess I'm in trouble because even my friends will tell you I often have the mind of a teenager. [/QUOTE

maybe a bit off topic but this is why the family unit is so important, that children grow up with the father mother influence in the homes, then when they reach adulthood they are not looking for what is missing in their lives but are looking for the balance to counter what they bring to the coupledom.

 

[17Bees]

Hard getting to the marriage and remaining a virgin in this world. Is this just a rite of passage or growing pains?

I'll bring your question up when I have lunch with King Solomon and the Dalai Lama tomorrow. I'll give you my non answer shortly.