Would you ever?

cubfan716 · Jan 2, 2014

I would never date a non-believer. The bible states the following:

[h=3]2 Corinthians 6:14-18[/h]English Standard Version (ESV)

[h=3]The Temple of the Living God[/h][SUP]14 [/SUP]Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? [SUP]15 [/SUP]What accord has Christ with Belial?[SUP][a][/SUP] Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? [SUP]16 [/SUP]What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,
“I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them,
and I will be their God,
and they shall be my people.
[SUP]17 [/SUP]Therefore go out from their midst,
and be separate from them, says the Lord,
and touch no unclean thing;
then I will welcome you,
[SUP]18 [/SUP]and I will be a father to you,
and you shall be sons and daughters to me,
says the Lord Almighty.”

Even if this person is someone who treats your respect and treats you right caution must be taken. First, your relationship with Christ is more important. It would be wiser to take a step back from the relationship and provide an opportunity for this unbeliever to encounter Christ. Don't try to change someone for the sake of being with them.

I read the following advice from a book entitles "When God Writes your love story";

A word of caution: be sure the person in question doesn't just feign acceptance of Christ in order to win you back. If you make it clear that you are ending the relationship because you don't want to be united with an unbeliever, then it might be tempting for you unbelieving boyfriend or girlfriend to go through the motions of becoming a Christian in order to regain the relationship. When someone becomes a genuine believer in Christ, their lifestyle, motives, conversation, direction, and attitude are remade by Him. So it there seems to be a decision for Christ, let some time pass to make sure it's not just a mental choice but a true life transformation.

Also, don't just assume that you should dive right back into a relationship just because the other person is a Christian. Make sure God is truly holding the pen and allow Him to script your story as He sees fit, even if He takes the plotline in a completely new direction!

Misty77 · Jan 2, 2014

I just want to clarify my situation a little. I don't recommend being in a relationship with a nonbeliever, especially one that is leading to marriage. In my case, Christian men have done some very bad things to me. My preacher ex-husband abused me sexually and in other ways. A year and a half ago, I was raped by a "good Christian guy" wearing a Jesus Tshirt with a really cheap-looking cross tattoo on his left shoulder. So yeah, I didn't feel safe with "good Christian guys."

The one unbeliever that I dated was kind, patient, and understanding. We were never exclusive; we just enjoyed each other's company. I don't believe anyone was "lead on," and we were honest. There were no games, no trying to make the other person fit a specific role, just mutual respect with a side of corny jokes. It was really therapeutic, and he treated me with honor than no Christian man I have ever dated has ever extended to me. Being with him (in proximity) helped me see myself as a strong, worthy person instead of something that "good" men used then discarded.

Again, I don't recommend it. It's playing with fire. But in this isolated case, I think it was the right thing.

Tintin · Jan 3, 2014

Misty77 said:

I just want to clarify my situation a little. I don't recommend being in a relationship with a nonbeliever, especially one that is leading to marriage. In my case, Christian men have done some very bad things to me. My preacher ex-husband abused me sexually and in other ways. A year and a half ago, I was raped by a "good Christian guy" wearing a Jesus Tshirt with a really cheap-looking cross tattoo on his left shoulder. So yeah, I didn't feel safe with "good Christian guys."

The one unbeliever that I dated was kind, patient, and understanding. We were never exclusive; we just enjoyed each other's company. I don't believe anyone was "lead on," and we were honest. There were no games, no trying to make the other person fit a specific role, just mutual respect with a side of corny jokes. It was really therapeutic, and he treated me with honor than no Christian man I have ever dated has ever extended to me. Being with him (in proximity) helped me see myself as a strong, worthy person instead of something that "good" men used then discarded.

Again, I don't recommend it. It's playing with fire. But in this isolated case, I think it was the right thing.

Yikes! Sounds like those Christian men were anything but followers of Christ.

Misty77 · Jan 3, 2014

Tintin said:

Thank you for believing me.

Tintin · Jan 3, 2014

Misty77 said:

I've no reason not to believe you, Misty.

(Also, kudos on your Felicia Day "Guild" avatar - it's very cool).

Misty77 · Jan 3, 2014

Tintin said:

I LOVE Felicia Day. And as a former WoW priestess, I found The Guild to be hilarious!

Being believed and taken seriously is what abuse survivors crave the most. It's what we need to heal and to not feel like don Quixote tilting at windmills. Our enemies are not imagined, and we can defeat them. =)

polarguyinak · Jan 3, 2014

Misty77 said:

... Christian men have done some very bad things to me....
You seem confused about the term "Christian".

...I was raped by a "good Christian guy" wearing a Jesus Tshirt with a really cheap-looking cross tattoo on his left shoulder.
You were not raped by a good Christian guy. You were raped by a non-Christian poser.

So yeah, I didn't feel safe with "good Christian guys."
That's because you obviously weren't with good Christian guys.

It was really therapeutic, and he treated me with honor than no Christian man I have ever dated (sounds like you haven't ever dated any) has ever extended to me. QUOTE]

Misty77 · Jan 3, 2014

polarguyinak said:

Misty77 said:

That's why I put the phrase in quotes. I called them that because that is how they identified themselves to be and how they were viewed in their communities. I didn't date men who would have been thought of as losers. X was a Baptist preacher, the attacker was i think a youth leader, another guy was leader of the Divorce Care ministry of a well-respected church, and so forth. They really don't come more vetted than that. But they were either wolves in sheep's clothing or men who made bad decisions.

Misty77 · Jan 3, 2014

polarguyinak said:

Misty77 said:

... Christian men have done some very bad things to me....
You seem confused about the term "Christian".

...I was raped by a "good Christian guy" wearing a Jesus Tshirt with a really cheap-looking cross tattoo on his left shoulder.
You were not raped by a good Christian guy. You were raped by a non-Christian poser.

So yeah, I didn't feel safe with "good Christian guys."
That's because you obviously weren't with good Christian guys.

It was really therapeutic, and he treated me with honor than no Christian man I have ever dated (sounds like you haven't ever dated any) has ever extended to me. QUOTE]

Be careful. You're coming awfully close to victim-blaming.

Tintin · Jan 3, 2014

polarguyinak said:

Misty77 said:

... Christian men have done some very bad things to me....
You seem confused about the term "Christian".

...I was raped by a "good Christian guy" wearing a Jesus Tshirt with a really cheap-looking cross tattoo on his left shoulder.
You were not raped by a good Christian guy. You were raped by a non-Christian poser.

So yeah, I didn't feel safe with "good Christian guys."
That's because you obviously weren't with good Christian guys.

It was really therapeutic, and he treated me with honor than no Christian man I have ever dated (sounds like you haven't ever dated any) has ever extended to me. QUOTE]

She uses quotation marks around those termed as "Christian".

polarguyinak · Jan 3, 2014

This wasn't even remotely close to blaming a victim. I was saying these weren't Christ followers. How is that blaming you?

Misty77 · Jan 3, 2014

polarguyinak said:

You made me the subject of the sentences, the one doing the actions. That implies fault.
You seem confused
You were not raped. . .
you obviously weren't with . . .
you haven't ever dated any

tripsin · Jan 3, 2014

Jullianna said:

Is there a difference between dating and 'casual' dating? Don't all 'dates' begin casually? How else are you going to get to know someone and whether or not you should continue seeing them?

I'm from the old school. I'm under the impression that today our culture uses 'date' in reference to three different things:

1 - Casual dating. - To get to know someone.
2 - Dates - Where just because a guy spends money on you, he expects you to get to know him too well.
3 - Date - What a man wants with a prostitute.

If a woman starts to go to bed with a guy she's been dating, she is no longer casual dating. She is sleeping around.

What say you.

Misty77 · Jan 3, 2014

tripsin said:

I define casual dating as barely more than friends. You're having a good time, you're getting to know each other, but no hearts are on the line. You just enjoy it for what it is. If it turns out to be more: great! If that's all it is: still great! If you think it can go somewhere after a couple of months, then you become exclusive.

wisebeardman · Jan 3, 2014

Misty77 said:

I dont think he was trying to put the blame on you. more just saying those men were not christian.

Jullianna · Jan 3, 2014

tripsin said:

I don't date casually. I don't date anyone I have not known for a time, observed for a time, gauged whether or not I have a genuine interest in them/might be compatible with them in a committed relationship. If those things are favorable, I will spend more time with them in an attempt to both enjoy their company and to learn more about them. When I say "dating", this is what I'm talking about, but I can only speak for myself and what it means to me.

I do agree with you that if you sleep with someone you are dating, it becomes something entirely different. But I don't sleep around, so..

Nice meeting you. Welcome to the forum.

Arwen4CJ · Jan 3, 2014

ww_21 said:

I suppose it would depend on what you mean by "dating" a non-believer. Are you talking about a committed relationship or just going out with someone on one date?

If some random guy that I'd just met for a few minutes asked me out on a date -- I'm not sure what my response would be. This has never happened before. I think I might try to talk to him for a little bit before agreeing to go out....and I might try to determine whether or not I think he is a believer, but I couldn't really ask anything too deep. I might mention something about church and see how he responds? I don't know.

During the date I would definitely try to figure out his beliefs. And if he says he is a Christian, I would try to test whether or not he actually was. People can lie to try to make themselves sound more desirable. I would hope he would bring up issues regarding Christianity and spiritual beliefs, but if he is not a Christian, he may not bring it up. I'd have to. So I think I would wait and see if he brought it up. I wouldn't let the date end before assessing this. That way I would know whether or not I wanted to go out on another date with him.

But maybe this is just nice thinking. Maybe in real life I wouldn't go to those lengths. I'd like to.

I certainly wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone who was not a Christian. And, for sure, I would not want to marry someone who had different beliefs from me.

Arwen4CJ · Jan 3, 2014

BananaPie said:

I really like the idea of courtship over dating. The problem is meeting a Christian guy who shares my theological beliefs.

Arwen4CJ · Jan 3, 2014

Nautilus said:

IM feeling pretty good in my relationship with God...I gotta be honest. I mean I guess youre right I could always go for whats left at my church. But then there is a reason they are still single, and it's normally not something good, at least not around here.

I know thats kinda heavy to accuse those singles of when Im single myself. But then mine was by choice, I didnt want a serious relationship in my twenties. I didnt want to deal with a having another person in my life at the time and sharing things and tempering myself to their expectations. I lived like a king though in my 20s. Now Im just ready to settle down, and yet all the good ones I saw in church 9 years ago now have kindergarteners.

Im not bitter...but as much as I know we are supposed to be with fellow believers its hard to balance if the people in your area just dont fit the criteria. Like sure girl a maybe a believer but thats all she has going for her out of things i look for while girl b has everything but a relationship with Christ...I mean it's tough trying to pick the one you know is right versus the one you prefer.

What if God was the one who was protecting those single "left overs that no one else wanted?"

(I know you didn't say the part in quotes, word for word, but that's just how your post is coming across to me).

Arwen4CJ · Jan 3, 2014

Misty77 said:

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with dating those "Christian" men.

Unfortunately, we cannot trust a guy just because he says he is Christian, or because he goes to church, or because he is a leader in a church.

We have to find out what they actually believe. They have to show me that they actually have Christian beliefs, and that they actually act in a Christian way. This is impossible to assess from a first meeting with someone. I've learned that it is necessary, though.

There are some guys out there who do evil things, even within churches. We cannot give anyone a pass just because they claim to be Christian. I thank God that He did not put me in a relationship with a guy like this, as I probably would have fallen for a guy like this in my younger years.

Assessing guys can be tough, and we don't always do it perfectly. Guys can still deceive us, especially ones who have studied how to deceive women, or practiced it.

I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship with a youth pastor.

And I know that they will be accountable to God for their actions.

Would you ever?

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