Break up

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Nov 16, 2019
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#21
Yes h
Maybe we who have given advice have stetotyped this guy as a typical scoundrel. But strawberry from your last post I sense this guy is different or unique.
Maybe we were wrong. I await updates.
Yes he wasn’t a scoundrel at all during the relationship and before that. He gave it his all and tried his best to deal with the problems of our relationship with me. He really tried to change some habits to make me happy.

But I’m still baffled by the fact that he broke up with me within minutes of showing a lot of love to me. I guess it IS a bubbling up of emotions and pain from long distance.
But what doesn’t make sense is he’s purposely trying to get over me. And it just makes me feel like trash because how could anyone try their best to unlove someone. But at the same time, he still cares for me and he’s there for me, picking up my phone calls when I need someone to listen.
 

EliBeth

Senior Member
Dec 5, 2013
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#22
Maybe we who have given advice have sterotyped this guy as a typical scoundrel. But strawberry from your last post I sense this guy is different or unique.
Maybe we were wrong. I await updates.
After my post I had second thoughts as well, @morefaithrequired.

Strawberry dear, if you don't mind my inquiring, were you ever truly convinced that it was God's will for you to have the relationship with him? Did you ever have an honest inkling deep down that maybe it wasn't God's will for you to be together? One more question: 😊 You say "it's happened before". What's happened before- that he tried to break up with you?

Feel free to choose not to answer any or all of that.
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#23
Yes. I genuinely thought it was God’s will for us to be together. It was very much a surprise to me that we were thriving in that relationship regardless of the distance. I was EXTREMELY happy with him. He took care of me well and we both had very deep deep feelings and understanding for each other. Furthermore, the fact that he was willing to grow his faith in God, really made me believe he cared a lot.

Regarding your other question, yes we did have some problems due to long distance. Not every relationship is perfect. Because of our long distance, we were more jealous than others. Although we trusted each other, we wanted the other person to reassure us so sometimes we passively play around and insinuate the other person not loving us anymore. We’re both similar, stubborn and dramatic. When we were both sad, we’d tell each other “I’m breaking up with you” then make up in an hour or day at most. It was more of a “break” but we said it anyway. Nonetheless, it became such a normal occurrence that the other person always had faith that it was not real.

That’s why when this break up happened, he really proved to me that he wanted it. He was hesitant but he didn’t want to go back on his word.
 

EliBeth

Senior Member
Dec 5, 2013
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#24
Hmm.. This is confusing. Thank you for your response.
Is there any way he could have seen or heard something and misunderstood, thinking you had gotten interested in someone else? Or maybe his friends made fun of him for being so attached to you?
Also, supposedly men can characteristically go through a retreat phase where they feel they are getting too close to the woman and too dependent on her, so they retreat for awhile until they start feeling the need for closeness again... Now all I am saying is this mayyy be the case. If you hadn't told me that you had both legitimately repented of fornication I wouldn't be so quick to entertain this line of thinking- that it could still be the Lord's will. If there had been no conviction and repentance that would be a big red flag to me.
I don't want to lead you wrong, Strawberry. I am just carrying my thoughts over. God knows what is best. He will show you the way if you ask Him and keep seeking His will, even above your own. Perhaps this time has been allowed for both of you to realize your deepest devotion to and need is for Christ alone. No one should be placed in the top (most affectionate, time-consuming, dedicated) relationship of our heart but the Creator Himself. On the other hand, maybe He has something different planned for the future. You can trust him! I know in the moment we want what we think we want (what brings immediate gratification). But really, in the long run we want what He wants, bc what He wants gives us the most bestest, eternal goods/results.
Keep your eyes on Him, the One who has the Name above all other names. He won't steer you wrong. 💓
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#25
Hmm.. This is confusing. Thank you for your response.
Is there any way he could have seen or heard something and misunderstood, thinking you had gotten interested in someone else? Or maybe his friends made fun of him for being so attached to you?
Also, supposedly men can characteristically go through a retreat phase where they feel they are getting too close to the woman and too dependent on her, so they retreat for awhile until they start feeling the need for closeness again... Now all I am saying is this mayyy be the case. If you hadn't told me that you had both legitimately repented of fornication I wouldn't be so quick to entertain this line of thinking- that it could still be the Lord's will. If there had been no conviction and repentance that would be a big red flag to me.
I don't want to lead you wrong, Strawberry. I am just carrying my thoughts over. God knows what is best. He will show you the way if you ask Him and keep seeking His will, even above your own. Perhaps this time has been allowed for both of you to realize your deepest devotion to and need is for Christ alone. No one should be placed in the top (most affectionate, time-consuming, dedicated) relationship of our heart but the Creator Himself. On the other hand, maybe He has something different planned for the future. You can trust him! I know in the moment we want what we think we want (what brings immediate gratification). But really, in the long run we want what He wants, bc what He wants gives us the most bestest, eternal goods/results.
Keep your eyes on Him, the One who has the Name above all other names. He won't steer you wrong. 💓
God bless you, you are so accepting of misunderstandings and that makes me really respect you.

Yes he has been made fun of his friends for being very close to me. He’s told me about it but he didn’t seem too bothered by it but it’s a possibility. He recently made a new best friend at school who he spends a lot of time with. To be honest, that friend is nice however, he’s also not very religious. The day before he broke up with me, that friend broke up with a girl, which furthers my suspicion of his friends.

His friends are the type to support him of his decisions. I think he made a rash decision and talked to his friends about it and they supported him and encouraged him. With that, he went as far as to block his ears from my words because of how sad yet encouraged he was to break up with me. I found that connecting with him was hard during the break up even though he was extremely sad doing it.

However, you are also right, he did talk about how because of our long distance, we skyped from after school until we slept everyday. During the breakup, he expressed how he misses and loves me so much that he was becoming too dependent, and hopefully, I hope that that’s only a temporary problem that can be fixed. The problem is that he doesn’t even plan to date me in the future unless “you and I go to the same university and I happen to have the same feelings”. In fact, he’s trying his best to get over his feelings. I find that unnecessary when trying to regain your independence but hopefully he doesn’t lose these feelings.

Unfortunately, he sees these friends everyday and I’m very scared and suspicious that they are influencing him in the wrong way (I was the only one really encouraging his faith). I’ve been praying to God that He will lead him even in times of social pressure.

I appreciate your replies so much, it’s made my night better! God bless you!
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#27
And God bless you, Strawberry. 🍓 😊
It’s getting late here and I assume for you too, so goodnight. It’s very shameless for me to ask for your opinion, but it’s very valuable to me. I hope you can respond with an opinion of what may be happening on his side...God bless you again!
 
Aug 27, 2019
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#28
Strawberry... I know you are hurting right now...and still holding on to every possibility of reconciliation...I don't want to say anything more to add up your pain... Personally, I was in a very similar long distance relationship for almost 5 years with few meet ups 😊 but I wouldn't elaborate more... Its been more or less 3 years since we broke up. I am happy now.


I would encourage you to pursue God and seek Him directly for help in your relationship...Let His will be done...not what you want. Completely trust His will and carefully listen to what God will show to you... Pray also for this young man... 😊


Only when I learned to put everything under His feet... my eyes...my heart my mind were opened... Up to this day I am thanking the Lord so much for showing me what I refused to see during those 5 years. He rescued me from misery before it would be too late for me already to leave...


Yours, maybe will not be the same but if you will let God you will not regret it...

God bless you ❤
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#29
Strawberry... I know you are hurting right now...and still holding on to every possibility of reconciliation...I don't want to say anything more to add up your pain... Personally, I was in a very similar long distance relationship for almost 5 years with few meet ups 😊 but I wouldn't elaborate more... Its been more or less 3 years since we broke up. I am happy now.


I would encourage you to pursue God and seek Him directly for help in your relationship...Let His will be done...not what you want. Completely trust His will and carefully listen to what God will show to you... Pray also for this young man... 😊


Only when I learned to put everything under His feet... my eyes...my heart my mind were opened... Up to this day I am thanking the Lord so much for showing me what I refused to see during those 5 years. He rescued me from misery before it would be too late for me already to leave...


Yours, maybe will not be the same but if you will let God you will not regret it...

God bless you ❤
Thank you so much for being sensitive. I’m glad that you are happy now :).

Yes I am trying my best to reconcile with him. I really AM praying that he is the one. I know we are young but I don’t want these sacrifices and good memories to go to waste. Of course, I know that whatever God leads me to, I will manage to live and will enjoy more. I just pray that, that future that God wants is with him.

Like I said, I truly don’t feel like he used me during the relationship. He really treated me more than a normal boyfriend should and was even willing to meet my mom despite his nervousness (although it couldn’t happen). I’m just hurt that he gave up on our promise. But I hope that this is just a time for use to devote ourselves to God, then come together again. I’m just worried that the friends he has right now are not the ideal people I would like him to be around. As well, he is actively trying to get over his love for me.

Thank you for your prayers, I sincerely need them, God bless you too!
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
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#30
We did it and we both were very repentful for our early sex.

It’s been very hard to even consider a life without him but I’ll pray more. I still love him very much that I haven’t not cried a single day this whole month. He’s very important to me.

Thank you.
Actually sex increases the bond. For example a woman that has sex with a man that is abusive is more likely to stay with that abuser than a woman who has not had sex with that man. That's the entire purpose of sex. Bonding. Closeness. Intimacy.
A big part of what you're feeling is because of sex.

And your praying that he realizes he needs you? Yeah, have you considered maybe he doesn't, and that's why he broke up? It's actually you that has convinced yourself you need him. And due to that you want the same. But he moved on.

Spending a year in a long distance relationship proves nothing. Adults married for 20 years and raised kids together get divorced. So there's no reason to think a high schooler can't get over a long distance relationship after a year.
I've had long distance relationships that lasted over a year. Yet I'm still single.

Really the best thing you can do for yourself is quit feeding your wishes and instead accept reality. The longer you keep up expecting him to come to his senses the longer you're going to make yourself miserable.

His decision wasn't in a matter of minutes. It was planned out ahead of time, but he was nervous. So he pretended everything was ok at first, but then just blurted it out. To you it may have seemed sudden, but you can be sure he spent weeks, at least, making this decision.

Even if he loves you, that doesn't mean he's going to come back. I know this first hand.

How you feel sucks, I know. But once I learned to accept the end of relationships it made things better. Holding on to them only makes it hurt longer.
 

EliBeth

Senior Member
Dec 5, 2013
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#31
Hi, Strawberry. I'm sorry I missed your last message last night. ❤️
I think CozHElives and Subhuman have put forth some very valuable input. It was good to get more insight from the male perspective from Subhuman.
I will Private Message you, okay?
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#32
Actually sex increases the bond. For example a woman that has sex with a man that is abusive is more likely to stay with that abuser than a woman who has not had sex with that man. That's the entire purpose of sex. Bonding. Closeness. Intimacy.
A big part of what you're feeling is because of sex.

And your praying that he realizes he needs you? Yeah, have you considered maybe he doesn't, and that's why he broke up? It's actually you that has convinced yourself you need him. And due to that you want the same. But he moved on.

Spending a year in a long distance relationship proves nothing. Adults married for 20 years and raised kids together get divorced. So there's no reason to think a high schooler can't get over a long distance relationship after a year.
I've had long distance relationships that lasted over a year. Yet I'm still single.

Really the best thing you can do for yourself is quit feeding your wishes and instead accept reality. The longer you keep up expecting him to come to his senses the longer you're going to make yourself miserable.

His decision wasn't in a matter of minutes. It was planned out ahead of time, but he was nervous. So he pretended everything was ok at first, but then just blurted it out. To you it may have seemed sudden, but you can be sure he spent weeks, at least, making this decision.

Even if he loves you, that doesn't mean he's going to come back. I know this first hand.

How you feel sucks, I know. But once I learned to accept the end of relationships it made things better. Holding on to them only makes it hurt longer.
I have considered that but he didn’t leave me without feelings of pain at all. It was obvious that he was having a hard time doing it and his actions have proved it otherwise. He wants to keep in contact with me, he still keeps the memories of me, and he is still there to reply to me.

Although, he seems like he’s very set with his decision, so he tries his hardest to push me away so that we both don’t get too attached.

I do agree that he has been feeling that sense of loneliness from not seeing me. He described it as “bubbling up” and that this was his breaking point but even then, I think that was too unnatural for his personality.

I AM holding onto that possibility because I know he still feels the same way. He has to try his best to really get over the feelings and for me, that gives me hope that this isn’t really the end.

I think that if he finally finds someone else he likes enough, that’ll indicate that it’s over. I’m trying my best to find hope in this but I do accept that the relationship is over at least for now. That’s why I’m at least okay with being friends.

I’m sorry I took a long time to respond, it was just a very harsh message that I wanted to calm myself a bit. God bless you!
 

MegMarch

Active member
Nov 11, 2019
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#33
I’m sorry you are experiencing the pain. I’ve been there. Sex does cloud things and can prevent a person from seeing clearly.

A man who loves you will not leave you. His actions are speaking loudly. If he valued you, he would not push you away or leave you. Sex before marriage is building on sinking sand. I’m not saying it is hopeless, but you know where your only true hope can be found.

I hope you allow the grieving process to begin and see how God can heal you.
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#34
I am thinking that it’s not about the feelings but rather the immaturity and age. Maybe long distance is too hard for us now because even before the sex, we were very loving. Although if it’s the case that he didn’t love me enough, I pray to God that He will help me move past this.
 

MegMarch

Active member
Nov 11, 2019
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#35
I am thinking that it’s not about the feelings but rather the immaturity and age. Maybe long distance is too hard for us now because even before the sex, we were very loving. Although if it’s the case that he didn’t love me enough, I pray to God that He will help me move past this.
God will without a doubt help you. He has done it for me many times regarding relationship failures, and He will never stop caring.

I only messaged you because I have had similar experiences more than once. Having sex before marriage clouded my ability to see the truth of the situation. This is not about the guy at this point. It is about what you are going to turn to during this pain and time of suffering. Will you turn to the hope of an earthly relationship or will you turn to Jesus to see all that he has in store for you?
 
T

tasha66

Guest
#36
@ SB501: "Yes he wasn’t a scoundrel at all during the relationship and before that. He gave it his all and tried his best to deal with the problems of our relationship with me. He really tried to change some habits to make me happy. But I’m still baffled by the fact that he broke up with me within minutes of showing a lot of love to me. I guess it IS a bubbling up of emotions and pain from long distance. But what doesn’t make sense is he’s purposely trying to get over me. And it just makes me feel like trash because how could anyone try their best to unlove someone. But at the same time, he still cares for me and he’s there for me, picking up my phone calls when I need someone to listen."

I posted some of this on another thread and have copied some of what I have to say, as I think it applies to your situation. My answer is a wee bit long, so buckle up for the ride....

I get it - your heart is breaking. Most of us oldies - and youngies - have been through this. We know what you are going through. You probably think: nobody could possibly know my situation, or what it is like to be experiencing all of this. But we do know - that's why we are all trying to help you.

I highlighted some stuff you said. You have said he tried 'to deal with the problems in our relationship', that 'he tried to change', that you're baffled & basically confused, that you 'feel like trash.' Some of it doesn't make sense to me, as you seem to be rambling on, which many of us do when we're thinking & typing.

Stop and think for a few minutes. Do you really want to continue feeling like this - just being confused all the time, & feeling like trash? Is this really how you want your life to be? Constantly waiting for phone calls/text messages that may never happen; wondering what he is doing; who he is seeing; who he's hanging around, calling him and maybe soon he won't pick up or answer. Look at all the worry & pain this relationship has caused you so far. And to what end? Nothing. Continuing to call him will only deepen your pain, as after you hang up, you will be wondering about all of the above things again. And how do you know he isn't seeing other girls? Being young, he probably is, even if he says he isn't.

He may be a nice guy. Not every guy that dumps you is bad. My ex was a lovely guy, & very caring & kind. This man might just be very confused, and because he's had that taste of the unknown - having sex - he's probably looking for more opportunities in this area, as he's still young.

You say you gave your virginity away and you regret it all. It happens; you can't take it back, so looking back on the past won't help. It just gets you depressed. But how do you know he was even a virgin in the first place? Many men lie to get what they want - and it's usually to get girls to give themselves to them.

I have personally counselled sooo many people like you who are in toxic relationships - and yes, this is already a toxic relationship. I counsel young people all the time, and most of it is due to relationship problems. Many people in your situation just want validation for what you are saying & posting. You WANT someone to agree & empathise/sympathise with you. Also people in your situation, love being in your situation - the heartbroken, rejected lover/partner (whatever), and you complain to people all over the place - in person, online, at the local coffee shop, in the supermarket, to family and friends. You carry your heartbroken-ness around with you like a badge or like the proverbial martyr; feel sorry for me, help me. You don't want anyone saying: well, he's had it with you matey, you call him to keep that connection/friendship open, and you're hoping to meet up/reconcile with him at some stage - you don't want to hear anyone say: he doesn't want you in his life, cry a river, then move on. You said yourself he broke up with you within minutes of saying he showed alot of love to you.

Just because he's talking to you shouldn't give you hope. Maybe he's just a polite person - I don't know why he's talking to you, as I don't know him. You probably still have that friendship connection I'd say.

I tell you, from my experience counselling people, if you continue to contact him, you're just adding fuel onto a fire that is continually dying out, & which will eventually die out. He will meet someone else eventually, & then you will be more heartbroken and crying more, because you can't ever be with him.

I knew a man for about 26 years. I always pined after this person, whilst still getting on with my life, moving around, working, etc. I convinced myself we were to be together. We always met up every now & then & stayed friends, but long story short, it wasn't meant to be - there was no violence involved, nothing like that. I don't even know why we didn't get together after all the lovely things he said, & showed me he obviously cared, but there it is. The point I'm making is that I should have put my head up, and really looked at my life, and seen that yes, there were others who cared for me, & who wanted to be with me. There was one lovely guy, a Christian who wanted to be with me (I wasn't a Christian then). The last message he left me on my answering machine said he'd hope I'd contact him, but if not to take care. I never called him. I was too caught up with this other guy, always hoping he'd call me, or text, or somehow turn up at my doorstep and we'd end up together.

Think about it - do you really want to live the rest of your life and waste it on someone who obviously doesn't want to see you, or be with you? Think of all the wonderful opportunities you'll be missing out on. You say you are studying - put more energy into that. You can work, do more study, travel, you may meet the man of your dreams - there are so many things you could do with your life! Seriously, you will be wasting precious months/years of your life pining after somebody who you will always be hoping will change their mind, and somehow, miraculously, contact you and fall into your arms. Chances are that isn't going to happen. It's always hard being rejected, but you can have a mourning period, be kind to yourself, nurse your soul, then move on with life. We don't have anything else we can do apart from move on.

So what are you going to do with the rest of your life? Pine after this man who doesn't want you?

Let me ask you this: what do you think YOU should do now?? Disregarding all the advice on here - what is your next move?

I really hope & pray you see sense and really analyse how you have been acting, and I truly hope you don't waste your life on this man - because that is just what you are doing. You will be hoping every day you wake up for something to happen from him - whether it's a phone call or text message - and you will eventually tie yourself up in knots, develop anxiety and probably depression as well.

Also you can't change someone unless they WANT to change. You said he 'was trying to change for me.' Trust me, you can't change for someone - you have to want to change for yourself, not for another person. Alcoholics won't give up drinking unless they want to; drug addcits won't do anything re their drug habit unless they WANT to. It sounds like he was trying to change for you, and wasn't happy about doing that.

You are still young - is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Trust me, I counsel people every day in your situation - it is not a life you will be leading, but a non-spiritual, depressing, anxious filled existence of pain and misery. You may end up chasing after him for years to come, hearing about who else he's dating etc if you keep calling him, and then you will become more upset, more despondent, and this will exacerbate your pain, and keep it alive. Focus on your spirituality and not waste time chasing after useless men who don't care about you. Stay single for a few years - travel, make new & lasting friendships, focus on God and meeting a man later who really loves you and God. Long distance relationships don't last, and dating non-Christian man will lead you into all kinds of sin and evil - I truly say this to get you to think & to protect you.

Have a cry, mourn, then move on, make plans to get into wholesome things to distract you. Writing a journal helped me a lot, as I could read back what I had written, then I think how blind I was to this man's faults, and how much time I wasted, when I could've met someone who really cared about me, and be happy now.

You are better than all of this!! You deserve a better, more wholesome, spiritual and satisfying life than chasing after a man who by his actions, has shown he doesn't give a d***n about you. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words!

Also, in closing may I ask did you use protection during sex? Because you never know what you may have caught from him. Don't take his word for it that he never slept or fooled around with anyone. I'd be scheduling an appointment with my local doctor for a check up, just to be on the safe side.

I don't want you to be on an internet site 26 years later like me, giving young people advice like this, because you wasted your life pining after someone who didn't want you.

I pray you will take all of our wise counsel and make a better life for yourself.
 
Nov 16, 2019
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#37
Hello. thank you for the reply. We did use protection and knowing his family circumstances and unfamiliarity, I believe it was also his first time.

Yes I am aware of the possibility that maybe he really isn’t it and even then, I am still hoping that it’s him. He went through a lot of sacrifices during the relationship, I really believe those were all genuine. But we are both young and him even younger. I can only think that this was a result of our maturity, we aren’t ready yet, especially him.

He truly loved me and tried his best to keep the relationship last but I think the relationship was too much for him because of the commitment and lack of freedom we had as teenagers.

Like I said, I am hoping that he is the one but even then, I pray to God that if he isn’t the one, that I get over this fast before it’s too late and he finds someone else and I become even more heartbroken.

Until that happens you’re right, I probably will be living through each day waiting for his text and such, but I will try my best to find other things other than that.

God bless you!
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
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#38
Berry, if he were "the one", he wouldn't have had pre-marital sex with you, nor would you have had pre-marital sex with HIM if YOU were "the one" for him. Please don't wait around hoping and praying for a text or phone call from him. Find things to occupy your time and mind, and when God sends you who HE has in mind for you, you will be ready. :)
 
Nov 25, 2019
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#39
One day you'll look back on this and laugh. It's just life, you'll be fine and so will he.