advice please about bfs bad habbit...

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
K

konichiwa

Guest
#1
#1
After being with my bf for a month, I found out that he use to look at porn. He told me that he did before we started going out but hadn't in months. After borrowing his computer I found out that he did several times all the way up to the day we started going out. I've also found out some of his favorite movies are really graphic and have tons of nudity too, for example on of them is sin city. He told me that he hasn't done anything since then, but he lied about it before, so I'm having a hard time believing him. Now its been almost four months and I feel like I keep finding stuff that show's how big of a problem it was and how frequent. This makes me super insecure, because there's a gazillion girls he has seen and I feel like I'm trying to compare to them. It also makes me feel like everything we have is less special and its constantly bugging me. He has been super sweet and supportive about all this but I can't seem to get over it. I've also heard that porn is like an addiction and can be very hard to stop, so that only makes it harder to believe.

Any advice on how to make sure he has stopped or get over my insecurities about it and forgive him? (I know that I only know about him doing it before started going out, but it really changed how I saw him. I was good friends with him for four years and always looked up to him, because he acted like such a great christian)
 
C

concernedguy

Guest
#2
#2
konichiwa said:
After being with my bf for a month, I found out that he use to look at porn. He told me that he did before we started going out but hadn't in months. After borrowing his computer I found out that he did several times all the way up to the day we started going out. I've also found out some of his favorite movies are really graphic and have tons of nudity too, for example on of them is sin city. He told me that he hasn't done anything since then, but he lied about it before, so I'm having a hard time believing him. Now its been almost four months and I feel like I keep finding stuff that show's how big of a problem it was and how frequent. This makes me super insecure, because there's a gazillion girls he has seen and I feel like I'm trying to compare to them. It also makes me feel like everything we have is less special and its constantly bugging me. He has been super sweet and supportive about all this but I can't seem to get over it. I've also heard that porn is like an addiction and can be very hard to stop, so that only makes it harder to believe.

Any advice on how to make sure he has stopped or get over my insecurities about it and forgive him? (I know that I only know about him doing it before started going out, but it really changed how I saw him. I was good friends with him for four years and always looked up to him, because he acted like such a great christian)
Click to expand...
I suggest talking to him about putting a filter on your computer. You can also download a
program that monitors your computer. If he isn't doing anything then he shouldn't have
a problem with you putting a filter on the computer. If he does have a problem, then if it
was me I wouldn't argue about it. But as soon as he was gone for a few hours like to
work, I would install one of the computer monitoring services. At least this way I would
know for sure. You need to know before you build a life with someone that is in a way
cheating on you.
 
C

concernedguy

Guest
#3
#3
konichiwa said:
After being with my bf for a month, I found out that he use to look at porn. He told me that he did before we started going out but hadn't in months. After borrowing his computer I found out that he did several times all the way up to the day we started going out. I've also found out some of his favorite movies are really graphic and have tons of nudity too, for example on of them is sin city. He told me that he hasn't done anything since then, but he lied about it before, so I'm having a hard time believing him. Now its been almost four months and I feel like I keep finding stuff that show's how big of a problem it was and how frequent. This makes me super insecure, because there's a gazillion girls he has seen and I feel like I'm trying to compare to them. It also makes me feel like everything we have is less special and its constantly bugging me. He has been super sweet and supportive about all this but I can't seem to get over it. I've also heard that porn is like an addiction and can be very hard to stop, so that only makes it harder to believe.

Any advice on how to make sure he has stopped or get over my insecurities about it and forgive him? (I know that I only know about him doing it before started going out, but it really changed how I saw him. I was good friends with him for four years and always looked up to him, because he acted like such a great christian)
Click to expand...
Porn is in the same classification as a cocaine habit. It is hard to break. The last thing you need
is for him to stop now because he loves you but after a year or two he gets bored and goes back
to it. I would recommend that no one ever get into a serious relationship with someone who is
into porn unless that person agrees to get counseling.
 
J

Josh281981

Guest
#4
#4
The way you are going about this already is more than a "boyfriend" deserves. Your insecurities are reasonable because no one keep up with that way of life. Its total fantacy and he need to understand how much this is effecting you and how much this says about his character. If he doesnt stop then he is allowing an addicton to control him and ultimately being selfish. A true Christian man would step up to the plate and kick this habit not only for you but for his relationship with Jesus. Yes help is needed here and counseling IS needed here. Prono has ruined many lives and for some like Ted Bundy it helped create a monster. BE CAREFUL and ultimately guard your heart, if he agrees to counseling go with him if he asks. IF he doesnt change after counseling and you continue to find the filth on his computer LEAVE!! Dont look back just leave!!! Sometime people have to lose something or SOMEONE to realize how screwed up they are, it maybe the only way to change him.
 
S

songster

Guest
#5
#5
There is a term which I'm certain, applies to your situation. The term is 'baggage'. If you're not familiar with the term, it refers to issues stemming from emotional, or psychological problems which have not been overcome. Not knowing the issues you may be struggling with, this advice is somewhat one-sided, after having been made aware of only your boyfriend's shortcomings
.

Nevertheless, a relationship which begins with deceptions or lies, tends to continue that way. Being sorry because a bad habit was discovered, is not the same as repentance. The primary insecurity here is not your own, but rather, your boyfriend's. He has already exhibited an all to common lack of personal confidence, and maturity, as well as a lack of respect for the trust bond which is essential to building a healthy relationship. Someone with a pornography viewing habit, is likely prone to significantly more than just privately viewing women in various states of undress on their computer. This is a warning sign. The relationship is young and a little re-evaluating may be called for.


If you were to begin taking steps to ensure this habit has come to a complete stop, you could quickly find yourself attempting to fix/repair your friend by policing his activities. Your suspicions would not simply go away, nor would your own insecurities which are affected by his behavior, simply discontinue. Internet porn is only one of many ways this type of habit can be acted upon. Late night cable television, DVD's, magazines and general girl watching, are some of the ways this desire might present itself. You have seen the tip of the iceberg, but what lies beneath the surface?


What you are experiencing, very early in your relationship, are not the building blocks of a christian relationship which could lead to a christian marriage. Pornography, not only leads to a greater need and desire for more and more graphic nudity and sexual situations, but you yourself could very likely become more of an object, to your friend, than a person, especially during intimate times (if marriage was considered). Addictions/habits such as these can take years to overcome. There are serious, stability issues, not to mention, sin issues, which are involved here.

Not to judge or to assume, but if there is any sexual activity between the two of you, the relationship is already off to a very bad start.

One smart choice can sometimes prevent a lifetime of regret. Be good to yourself.
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#6
#6
concernedguy said:
I would recommend that no one ever get into a serious relationship with someone who is into porn unless that person agrees to get counseling.
Click to expand...
And the human population would die out...

I see what you're saying, but I think this is a bit much.
 
Naphtali

Naphtali

Junior Member
#7
Jan 16, 2009
3
1
3
#7
The bible certainly speaks alot about the lust of the flesh. I beleive this topic has been brought many times because God knew people would be struggling with such things. Men and woman alike. The world bumbards us with images of lust of the flesh. But we know that a relationship based on this cannot last. God has warned us many times on immorality because it can have a destructive consequences for the person themselves and others. I urge you to take seriously the facts that have been laid before you. Often we make decisions according to our emotions but you have to make an informed one. Firstly he has repeatedly lied to you about this which indicates he has a serious problem. If he really wanted help he would have told you about it everytime he struggled but from my understanding this is not the case. We can only guide people to make the right choices and if they dont we must move on for there good and our own. No sin can be overcome but can only do this is we admit we have one. He has to make that step. Then he has to become transparent to you. But when you think of this, do you want a relationship that you have to police and look over your shoulder all the time? This is not a very good foundation to build a relationship on. I am sorry to hear that you have had to deal with these hardships and dissapointments. Lean on God and His understanding and you will know the answer you are looking for.
 
Last edited:
C

concernedguy

Guest
#8
#8
Maddog said:
And the human population would die out...

I see what you're saying, but I think this is a bit much.
Click to expand...

So you just said instead of getting counseling to help secure my future and the futures of our
kids, I should not get counseling. I should just stand by and let another person who has
already demonstrated they care little for me or my future or our kids futures by seeking
only their self absorbed needs to be in the drivers seat.
I should stand by and endure divorce when it ultimately happens as is the case most of the time.
I should explain to our kids why their life is being torn apart and just say Daddy has a problem.
I shouldn't place any blame on me, just their daddy, though it is partially my fault for not
taking action years earlier to prevent this. Her kids can take comfort in the incompetence of
both their parents. This should heal all wounds and fill the void left by growing up in either a
broken home or without their father at all.

It won't. Been there! Lived That!
 
S

socperkins

Guest
#9
#9
I don't think Maddog is against counseling, I think he was saying we shouldn't shun people with a porn addiction.
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#10
#10
socperkins said:
I don't think Maddog is against counseling, I think he was saying we shouldn't shun people with a porn addiction.
Click to expand...
Yes. I think many people turn to porn precisely because they're not in a fulfilling relationship. Choosing not to get involved with someone because they've got an addiction may even perpetuate the problem.
 
C

Cako53

Guest
#11
#11
konichiwa said:
After being with my bf for a month, I found out that he use to look at porn. He told me that he did before we started going out but hadn't in months. After borrowing his computer I found out that he did several times all the way up to the day we started going out. I've also found out some of his favorite movies are really graphic and have tons of nudity too, for example on of them is sin city. He told me that he hasn't done anything since then, but he lied about it before, so I'm having a hard time believing him. Now its been almost four months and I feel like I keep finding stuff that show's how big of a problem it was and how frequent. This makes me super insecure, because there's a gazillion girls he has seen and I feel like I'm trying to compare to them. It also makes me feel like everything we have is less special and its constantly bugging me. He has been super sweet and supportive about all this but I can't seem to get over it. I've also heard that porn is like an addiction and can be very hard to stop, so that only makes it harder to believe.

Any advice on how to make sure he has stopped or get over my insecurities about it and forgive him? (I know that I only know about him doing it before started going out, but it really changed how I saw him. I was good friends with him for four years and always looked up to him, because he acted like such a great christian)
Click to expand...
Well, I was a porn addict since grade 6, only since this summer (my grade 10 summer) did I actually break it, and it wasn't even me that broke it. I was in one of my lowest times with drugs and alcohol and porn, and I asked God to take it all from me. I honestly don't think I could have had the strength to break porn on my own. Scientists say that the same part of your brain that gets hooked on heroin gets hooked on pornography, and it is just as addictive. I can understand how coming from someone who has never been addicted to porn would find this really hard to believe, but it's true. I advise that you just sit him down and talk to him about it. Be upfront. ask to put a filter on it, which he will probably reply with, do you not trust me? just tell him it's for his safety. Being in a relationship with a porn addict, is far from a healthy one.
 
L

Leilaii425

Guest
#14
#14
it is ridiculas that he is saying the human population would die out if you didnt date someone with a porn addiction! I dont know what women in her right mind would date a man that she KNEW was addicted to porn! First of all its stupid.. secondly why would you want a man who was looking at other naked women....
 
S

Shovels

Guest
#15
#15
I wonder if you aren't over reacting some to this. It is not the best practice for a guy, and it can be a problem. But should you be spying on him? If he knows how you feel about it and he still does it then you are going to break up with him. That seems clear. If that is all you have against the guy it is not the worst of things .... but it could be a reoccurring theme that can hurt the relationship later on. Maybe you should look for another boyfriend.
 
L

Leilaii425

Guest
#16
#16
Shovels said:
I wonder if you aren't over reacting some to this. It is not the best practice for a guy, and it can be a problem. But should you be spying on him? If he knows how you feel about it and he still does it then you are going to break up with him. That seems clear. If that is all you have against the guy it is not the worst of things .... but it could be a reoccurring theme that can hurt the relationship later on. Maybe you should look for another boyfriend.
Click to expand...

ohh good grief... wouldnt you wanna know if you were dating a woman who was looking at naked men... that looked about 100 times better than you
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#17
#17
Leilaii425 said:
it is ridiculas that he is saying the human population would die out if you didnt date someone with a porn addiction! I dont know what women in her right mind would date a man that she KNEW was addicted to porn! First of all its stupid.. secondly why would you want a man who was looking at other naked women....
Click to expand...
Yes, it was a tool of humour called 'exaggeration' but it was making a point. Namely that men are sexual beings and that porn is simply an unfortunate side effect of that. Most men will go on porn, even those with strong moral convictions against it. So that's why I was suggesting that refusing to get involved with a man who's into porn is almost tantamount to refusing to get involved with men full stop.

Additionally, by depriving him of a genuine, meaningful relationship, you are inadvertently increasing the demand for porn.

Leilaii425 said:
secondly why would you want a man who was looking at other naked women....
Click to expand...
It's better than a man who spends his time looking at naked men though, eh?
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#18
#18
Leilaii425 said:
ohh good grief... wouldnt you wanna know if you were dating a woman who was looking at naked men... that looked about 100 times better than you
Click to expand...
To be honest, this says more about your insecurity than it does his pornographic interests.
 
L

Leilaii425

Guest
#19
#19
Maddog said:
To be honest, this says more about your insecurity than it does his pornographic interests.
Click to expand...

well of course... who wouldnt be insecure with a guy you were dating was doing that.... a no brainer right there...
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#20
#20
Leilaii425 said:
well of course... who wouldnt be insecure with a guy you were dating was doing that....
Click to expand...
Someone who understands that he's most likely doing it purely for sexual gratification, not because his girlfriend is unattractive or in some way not good enough.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.