advice please about bfs bad habbit...

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konichiwa

Guest
#41
#41
Thanks for everyone's responses. I thought I needed to clear a few things up. My bf has told me he hasn't looked at anything questionable since we started going out and I have no proof that he has since we've been in a relationship. He sort of has a filter thing on his computer and also has some kind of church spy ware though I know for a fact that it doesn't work well since I saw several of the pages when I went through his history and found many sites and they did not show up in the email that notifies you if hes been on any questionable sites. I've had his laptop for probably a month now, since mines been broken and I need one for school. Though he still has a computer at home and an i phone which do not have these things on them.
He tells me that he's not even tempted anymore and doesn't look at girls that way anymore at all. He said that all he needs is God to help him with it and that its no longer a problem. The fact that he says he's not struggling at all, makes me believe him less. Just as how many of you pointed out, its still a big struggle for you.
 
mercyswolf

mercyswolf

Banned
#42
Feb 9, 2009
1,743
6
0
38
#42
May the Lord bless you guys and your relationship.
 
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Cako53

Guest
#43
#43
Maybe he doesn't have any problems with it, but I'm sure he is tempted. Jesus himself in all his glory was tempted by the devil. He will always be tempted. He just needs to give those temptations up to God, and trust in God. I will be praying for you and your boyfriend.
 
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become_the_generation

Guest
#44
#44
Heres what I would do if I was you, I would take a break. Maybe, if he still is, it would make him realize how much of a toll it is really taking on you. Chances are, if he really loves you, he will want to make it right. Just a thought?
 
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Cako53

Guest
#45
#45
become_the_generation said:
Heres what I would do if I was you, I would take a break. Maybe, if he still is, it would make him realize how much of a toll it is really taking on you. Chances are, if he really loves you, he will want to make it right. Just a thought?
Click to expand...
That's a really good idea!
 
mercyswolf

mercyswolf

Banned
#46
Feb 9, 2009
1,743
6
0
38
#46
Cako53 said:
Maybe he doesn't have any problems with it, but I'm sure he is tempted. Jesus himself in all his glory was tempted by the devil. He will always be tempted. He just needs to give those temptations up to God, and trust in God. I will be praying for you and your boyfriend.
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Another good thing to do on this not is to pray for him and pray with him. Intercessory prayer works wonders. Get into the Word with him and teach him. Ask God to show you what he needs to know and believe that God will move in his life. Pray in faith for the answers that he needs to know and open up God's word and show it to him. Ask God to speak through you as you share God's word with him.
 
M

mroge

Guest
#47
#47
I agree. Porn is a big problem and if you have an opportunity to help him, you should try. Praying and talking about it is a good start. Some type of counseling or accountability group is probable needed as well. That is what it has taken for me.
 
X

xspinningisfun

Guest
#48
#48
Honest opinion? Break it off.
If you have a trust issue, then that should be a sounding alarm.
You need to look up what love is. GOD IS LOVE. Does God lie to you? No. He tells you how it is. So if your boyfriend has lied to you, then that should be a warning.
 
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jollyduckpepper

Guest
#49
#49
There are some great websites that hold people accountable on this. XXX church is a good one. It logs all sites that someone visits and if they are questionable, an email is sent to a support person / accountability partner. Perhaps this is something you could recommend to him?

Joy germs

Jolly
 
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konichiwa

Guest
#50
#50
jollyduckpepper said:
There are some great websites that hold people accountable on this. XXX church is a good one. It logs all sites that someone visits and if they are questionable, an email is sent to a support person / accountability partner. Perhaps this is something you could recommend to him?

Joy germs

Jolly
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He actually has that on his computer, but I know for a fact that it does not show everything.
 
J

Jordan9

Guest
#51
#51
Be patient with him, give him a chance to repent, get help, etc.

But respect yourself, too.

And always remember, you don't need to be his girlfriend to help him.
 
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NoTearsShed

Guest
#52
#52
You should talk to him about it, Tell him how you feel, & if you dont have sex with your boyfriends (WHICH God dont like sex before marriage) Tell him that you wont be doing any of that stuff, if he still wants to stay with you then stay with him but you should be carefull because what if NOT only does he watch porn what if hes dont it.... or what if he has a addiction & sometime might get a little out of hand...
Be carefull around him try not to be alone with him.

If it is a addiction maybe try to seek some outter help or pray for him =)
Try to find something else he likes & try to do that which Is NOT nasty or sexual, For example playing basket ball maybe he likes that? or playing racing games... or chess or something different so he can keep his mind off that nasty thing he likes watching.
 
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WastingTheDawn

Guest
#53
#53
It's all about working on your self confidence. You compare yourself to others because you are so unsure of yourself. Past is the past, don't think about it!

Look to the mirror and look at yourself. You are a pretty girl, so pretty that you have gotten your boyfriend to quit his porn habit (which is a habit tough to kick out. Don't ask more :)

You are way better than any image he has ever viewed. He doesn't compare you to anything else. You do the same!
 
L

Lifelike

Guest
#54
#54
konichiwa said:
Thanks for everyone's responses. I thought I needed to clear a few things up. My bf has told me he hasn't looked at anything questionable since we started going out and I have no proof that he has since we've been in a relationship. He sort of has a filter thing on his computer and also has some kind of church spy ware though I know for a fact that it doesn't work well since I saw several of the pages when I went through his history and found many sites and they did not show up in the email that notifies you if hes been on any questionable sites. I've had his laptop for probably a month now, since mines been broken and I need one for school. Though he still has a computer at home and an i phone which do not have these things on them.
He tells me that he's not even tempted anymore and doesn't look at girls that way anymore at all. He said that all he needs is God to help him with it and that its no longer a problem. The fact that he says he's not struggling at all, makes me believe him less. Just as how many of you pointed out, its still a big struggle for you.
Click to expand...

He's probably being honest with you that he's not struggling at all. Its not something that is a constant struggle all of the time you can have seasons of addiction, then not go near it for a while, it comes in cycles sometimes. Especially if he's just gotten into a relationship with you, because relationships and acceptance and love can fill voids that people use porn to fill. But usually there are underlying issues that will resurface at some point and will need to be looked at and dealt with, in times of stress or hardship people can turn to old vices for comfort.

But Like mad dog has said, a lot of males have or do struggle with porn and I dont think they should be rejected because of past (even recent past) problems with it, but I would take things slowly and make sure your willing to commit to a relationship in which these things could surface later - and probably will. If he is seriously committed to christ and you both have a good support network around you, you should be able to work through issues as they arise. Although porn can be a tuff one. Especially because a lot of the time it can be linked to early exposure to sexual things or experiences as a child, which can lead to a child sexualizing their identity, which can be a lengthy process to walk out of and get healed and whole - then again God is also able to deliver in an instant.

Also, not in anyway excusing the man in this, but like has alreay been said, insecurities and self image in a female will make it 10 times more difficult to deal with this kind of issue. Because they take it personally, and think things like "i musnt be good enough for him" or wonder why they are not enough, what u need to realize is that it is a deep seated need they are meeting - especially if their identity is wrapped up in it and their identity isnt fully in Christ (who's is? :p) and it has nothing to do with you not being good enough but them trying to fill a void in their heart that only God can fill - you can't even fill it!

So yeah, it's a pretty comprehensive topic and issue, and has far reaching effects and varied causes, hope this helps a little.
 
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BellaFlor

Guest
#55
#55
Maddog said:
Yes, it was a tool of humour called 'exaggeration' but it was making a point. Namely that men are sexual beings and that porn is simply an unfortunate side effect of that. Most men will go on porn, even those with strong moral convictions against it. So that's why I was suggesting that refusing to get involved with a man who's into porn is almost tantamount to refusing to get involved with men full stop.
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Women are also sexual beings. ;) :p
 
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BellaFlor

Guest
#56
#56
konichiwa: This site is also very good for many that wishes to break free from the bondage of pornography. It is a Christian site, but very recomendable for giving it a try. Perhaps you can also tell/show this to your boyfriend. :) This is also a free site, you don't need paying anything for doing this online.

Way of Purity - Setting Captives Free
 
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Shard

Shard

Banned
#57
Jul 8, 2010
309
3
0
#57
x3watch is decent though she is right it doesnt mark everything and also marks random sites that are not porn in any way(frequently youtube videos) Its good as a baseline and it is better than most filter software.
 
TREX2008

TREX2008

Junior Member
#58
May 2, 2009
21
0
0
#58
I still struggle from time to time. That being said, it's not okay, to any extent.
Find someone who will put you before their wants to please themselves. After-all isn't that what the lord has done for all of us? To the mad dog character. 1 Corinthians 7:9: “If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” I think what is being expressed here is the need for self control. If she decides to find another boyfriend she is not depriving him of anything, he (because of his lack of self control) inflicted anything negative that comes to him. After all. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. I wouldnt consider porn a good nor perfect gift. To the girl who wrote this post. pray about it and god bless you.

just my 2 cents
 
themusicmiss

themusicmiss

Senior Member
#59
Apr 1, 2010
166
1
18
#59
And let me just say that after all the things hes done that youre aware of, I think he'll respect your patience. You're doing a gracious thing by being willing to help him through it in prayer n stuff.

Good luck :)
 
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rkmonkey

Guest
#60
#60
I didn't catch whether anyone said this, but I think it is crucial that he find an accountability partner (a male accountability partner) who he can pray with and discuss his struggle with. It is tough for guys to find something like this, because we are prideful and because we don't like to make ourselves vulnerable, especially to other guys. However, this is not something that can really be tackled easily. But ultimately, he needs someone who he can openly go to about it and who will both understand the struggle and keep it confidential. He probably should also not be soft about the whole thing; I think this is one issue where you cannot really take a lenient stance on it. You either fight with all your might, or you might as well call it quits because you will not win.

Most of all, it is important to always lean on God for strength. We are all sinners, we need to remember to return boldly to the throne of God for His strength, His grace, and His forgiveness. We need His grace daily. I can see where this must be much harder for you because he is sinning against you as well as against God. That's tough, I can imagine.

I'm just going to be honest here and say it is something that I myself struggle with, and it really is a struggle. It is hard to explain. I can tell you with 100% honesty that, at this moment I have no desire to look at that filth. However, when it happens, it is as though my entire convictions against it never were there. I lose control. I'm not making excuses here; when this happens, I don't think I ever fight it. That is my fault. Afterwards, after I've regained my senses, generally my first thought is "what the crap is the matter with me?" because really, I have no want have any part in that. If I could, I'd destroy it all, no question. Heck, I'd never have a penny to my name for as long as I live if it meant that filth were gone.

I just post all that to say.... no matter how sincere you are about it, it's really tough to let go. It's like it calls out to you, and your rationality is out the door. You're suddenly convinced that it's not so bad. In fact, everyone does it anyway, so why bother fighting? No one will know, and then you can just go back to what you were doing. I pray that I have at last been delivered from it, but I will not put down my guard and claim that I have been. Like an alcoholic or a drug addict; I am addicted for life.
 
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