I've found that studying the bible on my own can be quite confusing. It helps to have spiritual guidance. Someone who is more advanced than you in things of the spirit to explain certain things to you. And don't ever feel like God doesn't want you to learn or that you're not chosen, because the mere fact that you're trying to advance in knowledge of the father makes God very happy with you. Remember the story of the lost sheep, how the owner leaves the rest to find just 1 lost one? That's exactly how you are. There's a lot of Christians who know their stuff, and yeah God loves them, but he isn't so worried about them because he knows they got everything in place. He's paying more attention to the struggling Christians like you and I, the sinners who are trying to get their act together, those people. Don't let anything make you feel like you're not chosen. Just keep in mind that you're the focus of Heaven. Whenever you're in doubt of anything, just keep telling yourself "I'm the focus of Heaven!"
God bless you, hope I was able to help