Hi Grace,
It's good to see you here--I've seen some of your posts and heard you in the chat rooms... I was really hoping you would see this thread and post your thoughts. When I started dating the aforementioned boyfriend with 2 boys... they were 18 mo. and 4 years. It was definitely hard because as you said, it was an instant family, but in some ways, I think there were certain unique... advantages? Special opportunities? I'm not sure how to word it... because they were so small. For instance, we bonded over coloring pictures together... bike rides... doing crafts... things that teens and young adults would roll their eyes at, most likely. Of course, it was a very different situation as it was... their mother had passed away a year earlier so the younger one never even knew her. I didn't have some of the problems I hear others with blended families talk about--for instance, the kids never told me, "You can't tell us what to do, you're not our mother," (though they never called me Mommy either.) Although my relationship with the father was horrible, I am thankful for some very special moments, such as, when the little one began to talk. He couldn't say, "Kim," so he would hold out his arms to me and say, "Eem! Eem! My Eeem!" It was very hard for me to leave that situation and I pray that the boys will come to understand in time that it wasn't their fault in any way that I left. Less than a year after I left that situation, the father lost custody (they went to their mother's parents). I see the boys every once in a blue moon where I work (they're 10 and 12 now... so hard to believe) and they still come up and hug me. It tears at my heart because I wish I could have kept some kind of relationship with them... to be able to take them out to the movies or something now and then... but I can't because their father would see that as an excuse to latch on to me. I tried to keep in touch with just the kids at first, but their father would show up constantly... leaving me drunken messages on my phone... calling me from jail to bail him out... he and his kids had lenient access to my house while I was at work... so when I broke up with him, he refused to give my keys back so I basically had to steal back my own keys to my house and car. I pray often that the boys won't be further damaged by my choices and I hope they'll remember me with at least one or two positive memories.