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J
I don't agree with "the man who is satisfied at home with the real thing doesn't hunt after a fake substitute elsewhere" I have the same problem with my husband and after I caught him the first couple times I always made myself available. I did everything to try and satisfy, I was always engaged and willing no matter how tired or upset I was. I put his needs before my own and all I got in return was disrespect. I even went so far as to let him take photos of me so that if he wanted to look he could look at photos of me. I didn't like the idea of it but I did it because I love him and wanted to make him happy. The truth is none of it is ever good enough. It isn't always about the woman. Some of us do everything we can but we can't control someone else. Everybody has a choice and unfortunately people can be selfish. It is a very devastating thing to endure because it breaks trust and ruins the intimacy of marriage. And when that connection is constantly being broken it is hard to repair.
T
I pray for you too, sister. It's not your fault. You have done more than enough to try to take care of your husband. He is being deceived and is obsessed. He needs to quit with the porn, and get into the spirit of God to exercise self-control which is one of the fruits of the spirit. The best way to do that is to get into scripture instead those pics and vids. God bless you.
J
My husband was raised in a Christian home, I wasn't raised with religion in my life. When we met he wasn't practicing his religion but he still believed. For the last year or so he has been reading and still continuing to do this to me. And the nature of it doesn't bother me near as much as him lying about it. It is the secrets, it makes me wonder what else is going on. I by no means feel threatened by someone in a video or picture. I am quite happy with myself as a person and don't lack self esteem, but I want honesty in my marriage. If I can't have honesty then there isn't any trust and that is a must in a marriage. I have come to the conclusion that he is just selfish and immature. He gives no thought to how his dishonesty affects our family and our bond as husband and wife. It had even gotten to the point a couple of times when he wasn't able to be with me because he had exhausted himself with pornography instead. At the time it was devastating. I know now it isn't my fault I have tried everything I possibly can but he makes his own decisions. I feel as if I am getting close to that breaking point. He hasn't been staying at the house I told him to stay elsewhere and I also told him we should go to counselling. This is my last effort. I have been dealing with this for our whole marriage. And if it doesn't change I can't stay anymore. It isn't healthy to stay I am being lied to and disrespected constantly and by someone who is supposed to love me. To me this isn't love. I can't keep forgiving and saying its okay and nothing ever changes. The arguments keep getting worse and more frequent and I haven't felt real happiness or a real connection to him in a very long time. I can't make his decisions for him I can only do what is right for me. My kids and I deserve better.
Well don't get me wrong, I am not saying you are a bad wife or ANYTHING of the sort. I just think that he might have urges at times where you can't realistically have sex, so he switches to porn. Now a real man who watches porn knows that it is unrealistic to tell your wife to look like a porn actress or dress or do the things they do, so they will keep it to themselves. It becomes a problem, in my opinion anyway, when porn viewing gets too into their daily lives and they, say, don't do the laundry or something because they are watching porn. It also becomes a problem when they want their wives to do something she is uncomfortable with, just because he saw it in a porn video. If you are a husband, in my opinion, NEVER do anything that she doesn't want to do in bed. Ever. As they tell you in school, no means no. There is a difference between watching porn, and being addicted to it and expecting your partner to do the things they do. Just like there is a difference between drinking and being an alcoholic. Just my opinion. As I am not married, I am probably not the best person to give my opinion but I felt like I should anyway. Wish you all the best.
K
I don't really understand the big deal. He's not cheating on you. It seems like you would be inventing a huge problem when there is not one if you left him for this. If he is a great guy and this is his only fault in your opinion, it's really not that big a deal. It could be a LOT worse.
See, porn literally does not hurt you at all physically. It can only hurt you mentally for various reasons. I think maybe it only has as much power over you that you let it. The downward spiral is quite obvious to me. But it's not for the same reasons as others think. What I see here, is that your husband is slightly more open minded than you. He personally, morally, does not have a problem with porn. But you have the problem with it. He really likes it, so now he feels he has to do it in secret/lie about it. It's easy to misunderstand this as him being the wrong one, but some people just really like porn and you can't understand that because you don't like it. So you should try to be a little more open minded about it and not worry so much. Then what happens is you said it kills your sex drive because you worked your self up about it emotionally thinking its really a big deal. That just makes him want to look at porn even more because he isn't getting enough from you.
So basically it sounds like you are just your worst enemy. Have you ever actually watched it? What is your problem with porn exactly? I agree if it becomes this huge addiction then something is definitely wrong. But for the most part, people just watch it a little for entertainment and it doesn't really become an issue in their lives.
And another this is you being so judgemental on him will just turn him away and want to look at it even more or far worse. Just try to relax and talk about it and understand some people really like it. If you watch with him it could even spice up the relationship. And there is no stds, no cheating, no problems. It's a pretty innocent thing in my opinion.
See, porn literally does not hurt you at all physically. It can only hurt you mentally for various reasons. I think maybe it only has as much power over you that you let it. The downward spiral is quite obvious to me. But it's not for the same reasons as others think. What I see here, is that your husband is slightly more open minded than you. He personally, morally, does not have a problem with porn. But you have the problem with it. He really likes it, so now he feels he has to do it in secret/lie about it. It's easy to misunderstand this as him being the wrong one, but some people just really like porn and you can't understand that because you don't like it. So you should try to be a little more open minded about it and not worry so much. Then what happens is you said it kills your sex drive because you worked your self up about it emotionally thinking its really a big deal. That just makes him want to look at porn even more because he isn't getting enough from you.
So basically it sounds like you are just your worst enemy. Have you ever actually watched it? What is your problem with porn exactly? I agree if it becomes this huge addiction then something is definitely wrong. But for the most part, people just watch it a little for entertainment and it doesn't really become an issue in their lives.
And another this is you being so judgemental on him will just turn him away and want to look at it even more or far worse. Just try to relax and talk about it and understand some people really like it. If you watch with him it could even spice up the relationship. And there is no stds, no cheating, no problems. It's a pretty innocent thing in my opinion.
J
//////////////// I have tried to watch with him and he has no interest in it and this is the problem I just want it out in the open. I am willing to bend but he wants to keep it separate and that's a problem for me. I am not judgemental but if he can't do it with me then for me it's an issue. I really just want honesty. But he tells me he doesn't want it or need it and does it anyway even after I suggest watching together. I even rented one once and he flat out refused to watch with me. So yes I have tried. I really don't know how else to get my point across. I am not a close minded judgemental nagging wife neither am I a prude or anything but I do expect not to be told one thing and have another being done behind my back.
Well I mean if a guy is looking at porn and wishing wholeheartedly that he was actually in bed and having a real relationship with the girl in the video, then that's one thing. But if the guy is just like using it to...well get off or like to turn him on for his wife and his wife is ok with this, I don't see that big of a problem. And it can be used educationally. Like if a couple is wanting to try something they can look it up and see how it's done. Words and diagrams only go so far. I used to think that porn was wrong and it was horrible to women and what not. But then I figured, you don't deserve a relationship if you look at porn and wish your wife was like that just for the purpose of sexual pleasure. A real man will not tell his wife "oh I want you to be like this because I saw it on a video" He might go about it maturely and introduce it slowly, and if his wife says no? Well then no means no and the man will accept that. Just purely my opinion. It all varies from person to person. And as I said in my previous post. There is a difference between watching porn, and being addicted to porn. Purely my opinion.
And about the horrible to women part. I forgot to add this. Yes, there is some HORRIBLE stuff out there and no one should under any circumstances watch it. The internet is a dangerous place sometimes. I am not saying what some examples are, this is a family forum, so I will keep my mouth shut. But if you know in your heart it's not consentual, and it feels wrong. Then it is wrong and you shouldn't watch it.
Well I used to think it was. However, I researched and what not because yes I was curious (I am a 20 year old male, of course I am curious about this stuff >_> ) But most of it isn't degrading at all. It's the sick crap that grinds my gears. Sure it could be consentual but I just don't get off on the whole master/slave thing and whips and what not. Everyone has their own opinions, but I don't like it.
U
You and Kisses should be looking into the reality of porn in regards to women. Women who leave the porn industry all have the same story. Women are promoted as the 'stars' but in reality, behind the scenes they are nobodies. Frequently mistreated and are nothing more than sex dolls for men to use and make money off of. They are shown no respect or decency. I don't see how that is the 'ultimate power trip'.
Also, porn is something that you grow more into. You may start out with naked women pictures, but then it escalates to videos of sex. Then from there you never know what path you may end up on. Animals, B&D, S&M, child porn, rape or other fetishes. Once again, i fail to see the 'empowering' aspect of this.
Also, porn is something that you grow more into. You may start out with naked women pictures, but then it escalates to videos of sex. Then from there you never know what path you may end up on. Animals, B&D, S&M, child porn, rape or other fetishes. Once again, i fail to see the 'empowering' aspect of this.