Satan has my wife!

daszed · Jul 14, 2013

Hi, I am a 41year old father of four kids... their initials are what are mostly used to make my online name... I started this thread as a new member, but this is probably the proper forum for it, so I'll tell my story here again...

So I've been married to a beautiful woman for 19 years and I've known her since I was 17, so that makes 24 years if my life she has been part of me.

She was born into a relationship where her dad was a violently abusive alcoholic. At the age of 5, her mother left her dad and started a new life, kind of on the run. At the age of 7, her mom brought a boyfriend into that house that molested this 7 year old until the age of 12...
At the age of 14, my now wife, went to counselling on her own and confronted her mom about the abuse only to have her mom blame her for it.
At 16, she meets me. I had a fairy tale life, great parents, I loved to make people happy and I took on the challenge to change this girls life.
We dated..got along beautifully ..got married at 22, and she changed! I thought it as just part of life and kept trying to adapt to it. Her jealousy started becoming unbearable, she became a control freak, and she would get angry at dumb things.

Fast forward to 2011...We now have 4 kids, mom is going out everyday while dad is at work, and getting home just before he gets home.

One year later...mom is now hanging out and drinking with the neighbours, beginning to neglect her family.

The present.... I get home from a day in construction , gotta figure out what to eat....what to feed my kids and how drunk is my wife gonna be when she walks through that door. And when i do see her, its not really her... I tell you the truth ... I am face to face with Satan himself. The anger!! The hate!!

Back in March, I looked up to the heavens and told God that i no longer had the strength to go on. There was no one I could talk to that would understand, why I would want to fix this.

Three days after my talk with God, I was setting my mind on meeting someone else online, something to make me leave my marriage, and preparing to file for divorce. When out of nowhere, I run into a very good friend ,that knew both me and my wife, that i haven't seen in twenty years.
Anyway twenty years ago, he was extremely depressed, suicidal and his father was an alcoholic. But yet he was truly the only person on the face of this planet that i could confide in. Well twenty years later, he shows up with God by his side. Right at the moment when i was gonna give up on my marriage.
He began teaching me about being saved through Jesus and so forth. I thought his ideas were extreme and to far fetched... please go to the new members lounge to read the rest,..its under WWJD ... I could really use some motivation...

danschance · Jul 14, 2013

Hi daszed. Sorry life is not what it ought to be for you. I can't imagine how frustrating your circumstances must be. Many larger churches have counseling available. It might help to sort things out for you. At Least you might try talking to a pastor and see if he has any ideas.

To me it sounds like the wounds your wife received have never healed. Personally, I would start to document her drinking. If you do get a divorce, that can help you win custody. For most women, the threat of losing custody might motivate her to change. Not that I am encouraging divorce.

Lord Jesus, help this man out with his marriage. This is painful and does not seem to have any resolution. Give him direction, wisdom and understanding in this matter. I know how much You value marriage and ask that Your will would be done in this marriage. In Jesus name.

daszed · Jul 14, 2013

Thank you, so much, danschance!

richie_2uk · Jul 14, 2013

So sorry to hear that you have gone through all that experience, and also your wife too. however, she is not to blame for her actions, as they are repercussion's of her past that has never or not properly healed. She needs to come to a point in her own life to realise the effect of her past is doing not only to you, but your children too, but most of all, herself. I don't think you are facing Satan himself, otherwise, if you were, it would be a lot worse, as he is a master of destruction of people's lives. Pray for her, seek Christian counseling. 19 years is an awful long time for you to just to give up and possibly divorce her. It's very much understandable that you are suffering too along with your children. But Prayer is the answer, prayer is the key, and prayer for her will be a turning point not only for her, but for you and children. God can intercede, God can be there for you all, Just find the time, to pray about it, seek him. and listen to his will. God does not want you to suffer.

I will pray for you. Dear heavenly father, I lift up Daszed before you. Father I know you have heard there cry. and I also know that you will deal with this matter. Oh Father, there is nothing you cannot do, as I praise and give you the glory, I ask that you lay upon your healing hands on the family. Bless them father, heal there wounds, take away the hurt, and the memories, Father when we ask you for forgiveness, you forgive us our sins, and you remember it not more. Father I ask that you take all these negative, and all the hurt, and all the bad memories that triggers them to show anger and be negative towards each other and take it all away so they will not remember it no more. Oh Father God. as I raise my hands to you now, and give you the glory and praise, and most of all, thank you in faith, that you will intercede and intervene and deal with this problem that they are facing. Bless you father. I thank you and magnify your name. In Jesus mighty name. Amen!..............

God bless Daszed, and be blessed.

Lucy68 · Jul 14, 2013

I think your first obligation is to your children's safety....physical and mental. Separation doesn't always lead to divorce and it can be a good way to have some distance and time for figuring things out. The kids may especially need some time away from the stress and tension.

You have tried a lot of things and they don't seem to be working. It may be time for tough love...that means not enabling her to continue on destructive behavior. You can't really control self-destructive behavior but you can prevent damage being done to your children. As the man of the family, one of your duties is to protect your children. Even from their mother if need be.

Is there a way that you and the children can live separately from her for awhile? If she wants to live with you and the children she should have some basic rules and expectations to follow...like cooking and cleaning...things that contribute to the running of the household. And definitely not be out with drinking buddies. And she needs to go to counseling to get her anger issues resolved.

It does sound like she had a rough childhood but she shouldn't use that as an excuse for immoral behavior and if you sympathize with her too much, she will use that for justifying her behavior. She needs to get past being a victim.

Do you have a pastor you can go to for advice? Or a social worker? Family members can really be helpful when you need help with the children.

Have you found a church to attend? Hearing God's Word preached is not only motivating, it can be like a drink of water after wandering in the desert for days

. And be sure to take the children...learning about Jesus is very comforting.

Praying for you....wisdom, guidance, calmness...may the Spirit lead you in this very difficult situation. Put your trust in Him and He will lead you through it. Even if she doesn't repent, your soul will be comforted and will grow in the Lord.

daszed · Jul 14, 2013

Ok so I showed her unconditional love for these past few months, overall I've always been really lenient. But recently I've tried the love conquers all approach, only to have it backfire. So a few days ago I gave her the tough love, I showed her that I could be as angry as her but would rather show love. My anger was under control, thanks to God, I just had to prove a point! Now she is even more distant.
I have contacted a pastor from my church, which btw she won't let me take my kids to. He asked me to meet with him, but I guess I'm still praying for a miracle

richie_2uk · Jul 14, 2013

The miracle will come, believe me it will. But you need to really focus you prayer to God, otherwise your faith will fall and distance yourself away from the answer, which is GOD. we are praying for you and with you, but you have to take that step, and have that small faith as a mustard seed, and the miracle you want to see, will come and bless you like never before. focus on God, I understand it can be difficult when you have your wife problems and also you have children to think about, But try find that time, NO! sorry , Make time, and focus on God, seek him, and listen to him.

Romans 8:11. please read it, it says " But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you"

if the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, lives and dwells in you, just imagine what that same spirit can do with your problem? God bless.

Nancyer · Jul 15, 2013

Yes, the miracle will come, have faith. I prayed for God to give you strength, to protect those children and to open your wife's heart to Him. I prayed that she would see what she could lose, and see that she has the power to make it right, to be the wife she should be and that she has a good man willing to hold onto her. Lord God, help her to see that.

All my prayers for you, daszed, and love and strength sent your way. It breaks my heart to hear of someone so willing to throw away such blessings for what can only lead to complete destruction.

DuchessAimee · Jul 16, 2013

Okay, so she's an addict. Plain and simple. She needs to seek God, counseling, and I would highly recommend a ministry called Celebrate Recovery. Danschance is right, she hasn't dealt with the abuse. At 14 she could only heal so much... as an adult there are issues that are probably being triggered by seeing her children. I would say you've got a kid or two who remind her of herself at that age. She needs to deal with her issues. If she doesn't, you may need to separate from her for the safety of yourself and your kids. "Tough love" is great, but you need to establish boundaries. You need to draw a line in the sand, set up consequences, and STICK TO THEM. It's like disciplining a child. Actually, we stop growing at the time of the trauma. You're dealing with a child who looks like an adult. Seek Godly counsel from a trained professional.

daszed · Jul 16, 2013

I wanna thank everyone for their prayers and insight. Although
I tried as much as I could to hold my family together, separation may be an ironic fix.
I have stopped her from accessing any money, but the neighbours all keep giving her alcohol because they enjoy her company. I have told her that if she doesn't want to be part of this family, she is not entitled to any 'family' money.
I don't know, but I don't have the heart to basically put her on the streets. I almost feel like God put me in her life to keep her safe, and in doing so, am carrying a cross. Are we not supposed to live like Jesus? God has given me the strength to get this far. Why won't He intervene in her life? What am i missing here? Obviously, if push comes to shove, separating would be the next option, but as long as I see acts of God,small as they may be, I will keep hope that something big will happen. Naive I guess...but my faith is in God

WearyWanderer13 · Jul 16, 2013

daszed said:

I am fairly new to Christianity and prayer, but I will pray for you and your family.

Have you tried leaving a Bible in the most frequented rooms of your house? From your story I can imagine your wife would hide them, but then simply replace them. You should also let her see you consult God's word, especially when she knows that you are emotionally distraught. With any luck she will become curious enough that she may begin to read...most likely when you are not around, and most likely intoxicated at first, however that could make a positive difference.

The way I understand it is that God won't force himself into someone's life. He wants to be let in. It is through accepting Jesus and taking a stand against sin that God takes control of our lives. This suggestion may prove to be a fruitless effort, but I think that if your wife can be led to Jesus and God's word she will learn the path to salvation and in turn your marriage and your family may recover.

Best Wishes and God Bless

daszed · Jul 16, 2013

She has taken down crosses and pictures of angels , that i have hung on the walls.. so I had my kids draw angels and hung those up...surprisingly they're still up.

I have left a bible on the night table only to have it disappear.. She won't even let the kids go to church with me. :/

WearyWanderer13 · Jul 16, 2013

I will continue to pray for you and your family, and I will pray that your wife finds a way to let God into her life. Most importantly I will pray that your children can find the strength to love by God's example and yours in the face of adversity; when loving is hard. Your devotion to your wife "for better or worse" is admirable, and turning to God was a healthy decision for you and your children. Perhaps your wife will find the way in time.

AmmiAmmiel · Jul 16, 2013

My dear brother in Christ, I deeply feel for you as The Lord has given me the gift of empathy. The only conclusion I can think of as to why He has put you in this situation is to test your faith. Think of Job, all the pain and suffering he went through without any understanding other than God is faithful and He will provide. Perhaps it is meant for you to drive this evil spiri out by the preaching of the gospel, regardless of what you loose. Count your blessings, walk the line. Don't move too fast or fall behind. It is a tremendous gain for a man to loose for the sake of the gospel. We are to love The Lord more than even our own family. So my best advice is to preach the gospel to your family vigilantly. Do not stop even if she threatens divorce. For you will be blessed in doing so, regardless of what you may loose.

daszed · Jul 16, 2013

Almost all of my life I've wondered what is wrong with everyone. Why do people argue and fight? Why do people disrespect one another and no one seems to take anyone else's feelings into consideration.

I have always believed in God and Jesus was a name that was engraved into my head from childhood. My parents were good people, but faith was never their strong point.

Now that I have opened myself up to Christianity. I have seen what God is all about. God is really "love". If there was no God, why would we even need love. We could live like animals on instinct, but instead He gave us this feeling that is truly a divine creation.

Having people like yourselves, sincerely caring about others and their trials of life makes me proud to consider you my friends. If only all of humanity could see what gift God has already given us!

AmmiAmmiel · Jul 16, 2013

Tell that to your wife! Drown her with the love of Christ. Worse comes to worse,.. She'll be the one to divorce and be faced with the guilt when Christ confronts her Himself,.. I know it's hard to fathom the thought, brother, but you must keep it mind that God both works and brings all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose!

RoboOp · Jul 17, 2013

daszed said:

Yes first thing is you need Jesus. God doesn't promise to remove us from our situations but once you're a child of God everything works for good in some way, and the situations are "trials" that test our faith and make us seek Him more. God does promise that He'll be with you through all of this.

There is no guarantee that you're wife will change, but there is certainly hope. Apparently you haven't lived for God until now, so the reality is that you haven't been a spiritual leader of this family until now. I'm not saying all her sin is justified -- it's not. But now that you're following Christ then there's more hope that you can lead the rest of the family in doing so.

Find good local fellowship at a good church and take your kids. Try to bring your wife but if she won't go, you still go and you make sure the kids go with you. And I don't just mean become a church-goer, I mean seek out good real fellowship along with good Bible teaching.

Read Ephesians 5, the part about marriage. If you're wife ever gets saved, hopefully she'll eventually be what you see in the first part. But in any case you have to be what it says in the second part. You don't have control over her free will, but you do have control over your own choices. You can choose to obey God in your role even if she's not obeying God in her role. It will be hard in your situation.

You may hear preaching that puts all the blame on you as the man for anything and everything that goes wrong in your marriage. This is not biblical preaching, as each spouse has a free will and is accountable to God. At the same time, you should acknowledge that you didn't lead your family in following God before.

1 Cor 7 makes it clear that the husband should not divorce the wife. It's pretty absolute, though there are one or two exceptions. Jesus was asked if it's okay to divorce your wife for any reason, and he basically said no, except for sexual immorality. There is another issue though here in your case. You're a new believer and her life is totally different. She could get saved under your godly leadership and example. But it's also possible that she could leave because she doesn't want God. 1 Cor 7 also makes this clear, that this does happen: an unbeliever leaves a believer, just because they're a believer. If she leaves you let it be for being a believer, not for any wrong on your part. Let your prayer be for her salvation and having God in your marriage.

God also sometimes gives us relief, in his timing. I predict that your wife will either get saved or she'll leave. And if she leaves she'll probably have another man pretty quick, if not before. Then it will all be her doing, not yours, and God doesn't require you to go on being bound to a woman who is with another man. I certainly don't mean try to make all that happen -- quite the contrary. But my point is simply, obey God and if there's any divorce or unfaithfulness let it not be from you.

The one thing you have control over is this: you can have a clear conscience before God in obeying Him from here on out as a husband, father, etc. Also it will be difficult in your situation (to love her, and stay with her), so you will need to seek God's help daily, and constant encouragement, and fellowship.

I think eventually something's gonna give. With such a contrast of light and darkness now in your house, she'll either start to come into the light or will run away from it. Either outcome can be somewhat of a relief for you, though you should desire the former, and I pray for the former.

Glad God brought you to our site. Maybe get your children to join too. You know many, maybe most? kids nowadays are into online porn. Have your kids into the things of God, in church and whatever, and also at home if they're online much expose them to online fellowship such as this and make sure they don't get into online porn, cyber sex, and all that kind of stuff.

As one person in the Bible said: "Choose this day whom you shall serve. As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord."

God bless you

RoboOp · Jul 17, 2013

daszed said:

You know I was about to type in my post above "don't let her stop you from taking the kids to church", but then I thought "nah that probably won't be an issue". But just now I read your post here indicating exactly that.

So I'll add it now:

Don't let her stop you from taking the kids to church.

RoboOp · Jul 17, 2013

I'm sorry maybe I should add to my long post above that even if she does "run from the light" and leave you there's still hope or a chance of her being convicted by God, especially once her marriage is torn, and God using that to bring her to salvation and then reconcile you and restore your marriage. That's certainly another possibility as well.

daszed · Jul 19, 2013

Its easy to say " don't let her stop you from taking the kids to church". She will literally lock the kids in the bedroom with her! And even if i could get my hands on my kids, it would be a tug of war, and I'm not about to that with my kids. My seven year old daughter has gone to church twice with me and absolutely loved it. Daily she asks me when can she go to church again and we try to agree on who is gonna ask mom, cause we both know that the answer will be 'no'. My heart is bleeding for my kids. I never wanted a life like this for them

Satan has my wife!

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