Looking for good experiencial input

[Jordache]

I wasn't sure where to post this so here goes. I work with a ministry and have a lot of influence in the youth at my church so I'm curious to see peoples answers. Now don't take this the wrong way. I fully believe in the importance of scripture, but I'd prefer you answer out of practical experience and not out of what you've read or heard about someone else. Its a touchy topic so I would like to see no judgement. This isn't meant to be a thread to call out someone's sins be they past or present, or correct what you consider false logic.
So to the question: those of you who have had sex outside of marriage and have either been married or are married, what are the consequences you've experienced in your relationship because of your sin?

 

[Share55]

I'm not sure what you are asking but I would guess children?
What I fail to see is what your question has to do with the ministry of youth.

Now I would guess that you are building a case against sex outside of marriage...
so first I would ask you what is considered marriage? biblically. I would start reading in the OT for a precise answer but I'm not good with the book/verses because it was a reading in passing.

Then I would ask what sin it is you are talking about?
If I am assuming right God said that we should follow the laws of the land but He didn't say that if we didn't it was a sin.

So that being said I don't know the consequences because I don't know the sin.

As for teaching youth about having casual sex without there being any 'What God has joined together let no man put asunder' is what I believe you are getting at:
there is the possibility of having illegitimate children (bastards because the father has no interest in being with them and rearing them to adulthood.)
the woman losing respect from others because she is a woman with child/ren without a mate.
the man losing respect because he didn't respect the woman he slept with and just used her so he is guilty of usury.
children not being respected because they come from a one parent family yet both parents are alive.
the custodial parent and the child/ren having problems with their self-respect.

That is all I can think of offhand.

 

[Jordache]

I didn't realize this question was so complicated. As I said, I'm not looking for biblical evidence. I'm looking for practical experience as in "my husband and I had premarital sex and this is how it has affected our marriage."
I'm not trying to start a philosophical debate here about what biblical marriage is so for the sake of argument lets say marriage occurs spiritually when it occurs legally.
Again, the question rephrased is this: in your life how has premarital sex negatively affected your marriage?
This is often a curiosity with the youth which is why I pose the question in the first place.

 

[resurrection33]

I wasn't sure where to post this so here goes. I work with a ministry and have a lot of influence in the youth at my church so I'm curious to see peoples answers. Now don't take this the wrong way. I fully believe in the importance of scripture, but I'd prefer you answer out of practical experience and not out of what you've read or heard about someone else. Its a touchy topic so I would like to see no judgement. This isn't meant to be a thread to call out someone's sins be they past or present, or correct what you consider false logic.
So to the question: those of you who have had sex outside of marriage and have either been married or are married, what are the consequences you've experienced in your relationship because of your sin?

It is the Lord's intention that each person have sex with only one person in their lifetime, and only after they have married. Once you have had sexual intercourse with one person, it is impossible to have a totally happy marriage with another person. That is the consequence. I know from experience.

 

[resurrection33]

I wasn't sure where to post this so here goes. I work with a ministry and have a lot of influence in the youth at my church so I'm curious to see peoples answers. Now don't take this the wrong way. I fully believe in the importance of scripture, but I'd prefer you answer out of practical experience and not out of what you've read or heard about someone else. Its a touchy topic so I would like to see no judgement. This isn't meant to be a thread to call out someone's sins be they past or present, or correct what you consider false logic.
So to the question: those of you who have had sex outside of marriage and have either been married or are married, what are the consequences you've experienced in your relationship because of your sin?

It is the Lord's intention that each person have sex with only one person in their lifetime, and only after they have married. Once you have had sexual intercourse with one person, it is impossible to have a totally happy marriage with another person. That is the consequence. I know from experience.

And that is why the Lord told us not to fornicate.

 

[zaoman32]

My ex-wife and I had sex outside of marriage. No real consequences, at least that I could see. In the case of my sister and brother in law my sister became pregnant before they were married, and I'm sure dealt with a lot of crap from family and the church because of their actions.

To me personally there is no clear cut verse in the bible stating not to have sex outside of marriage. Typically when sex as a sin is brought up it's referred to as sexual immorality, which in my opinion would be such things as one night stands, and prostitution. I don't think that makes it a license to have sex outside of marriage, as much as being as exclusive and thoughtful about it as possible. If there is no chance of a real and long lasting relationship, what's the point?

 

[Mammachickadee]

I wasn't sure where to post this so here goes. I work with a ministry and have a lot of influence in the youth at my church so I'm curious to see peoples answers. Now don't take this the wrong way. I fully believe in the importance of scripture, but I'd prefer you answer out of practical experience and not out of what you've read or heard about someone else. Its a touchy topic so I would like to see no judgement. This isn't meant to be a thread to call out someone's sins be they past or present, or correct what you consider false logic.
So to the question: those of you who have had sex outside of marriage and have either been married or are married, what are the consequences you've experienced in your relationship because of your sin?

I have had 28 sexual partners. My husband was my first, but my second was before he and I officially became a couple. He took that in stride since he recognized we weren't a couple... though it did make him feel very expendable. During 10 months in divorce court I worked in the sex trade as a masseuse and escort and ended up with another 26 sexual partners. When he first asked to reconcile (something I didn't want to do) I threw it all straight at him. At first, like many men, the idea intrigued him. The more he thought about it the more he recognized that I was no longer his mentally. To this day he still says I think and sometimes act too much like a single woman... especially where finances are concerned. Because I had whatever man I wanted I became quite adventuresome sexually... to the point that my husband once told me he felt I was very selfish. He struggles daily wondering what I'm doing and if I'm not satisfied with my life here (a valid concern considering how unhappy I was to be still married to him). The Lord is his comfort, and he relies very heavily on God, but the hurt caused throughout our relationship because of his insecurities exploded with the knowledge that his wife didn't really need him and, at one point, didn't even want him. The powerful temptation to keep contact with some of my "friends" caused so much hurt that he told me I was valuing them over him. Essentially, my activities out of marriage have hurt him, but he perseveres daily. He's taken so many knocks in life that he's now one of the sweetest men I know.

 

[Mammachickadee]

I didn't realize this question was so complicated. As I said, I'm not looking for biblical evidence. I'm looking for practical experience as in "my husband and I had premarital sex and this is how it has affected our marriage."
I'm not trying to start a philosophical debate here about what biblical marriage is so for the sake of argument lets say marriage occurs spiritually when it occurs legally.
Again, the question rephrased is this: in your life how has premarital sex negatively affected your marriage?
This is often a curiosity with the youth which is why I pose the question in the first place.

Oh! you mean between the two of us. lol Sorry.
He was my first, which helped him because of his paranoia about STD's. Our relationship was immediately sexual once we started seeing each other in person, and at first we complimented each other. However, What I thought was a normal sexual appetite for him (two or three times a day) turned into once every two or three days. Such scarcity of sex drove me insane... especially when all his free time was spent on the xbox. Such disillusionment cause me to question my value as a woman. Then, after dating him only 6 months he asked me to marry him. Two weeks later we found out we were going to be parents. He wasn't ready to be a father, and I wasn't ready to have the father of my child to be a man still addicted to gaming and who would quit his job at the drop of a hat over his manager not giving him a break or patronizing words. We ended up getting married when I was 6 months pregnant, and our one night of honeymoon was a tremendous farce. Early in the evening he fell asleep across the end of the bed, leaving me thinking about everything I'd "given up" in our relationship. That was the beginning of such great bitterness that tainted the first three years of our marriage. Even as a married woman i always felt like a cheap nanny and housekeeper, and my actions as a result of such negativity were nothing short of selfish and hurtful.

 

[presidente]

My ex-wife and I had sex outside of marriage.

Do you think there is a chance this could have been one contributing factor to the marriage breaking down?

There is some family research that shows a relationship between a women having multiple sexual partners before marriage and a higher chance of divorce. But there was no significant difference between the women who slept with their own husbands only before marriage and those who were virgins at marriage in this particular study (by Teachman, I forget the year). Of course, Christians should abstain because it is a sin against God, no matter what this particular study showed.

 

[presidente]

I have had 28 sexual partners. My husband was my first, but my second was before he and I officially became a couple. He took that in stride since he recognized we weren't a couple... though it did make him feel very expendable. During 10 months in divorce court I worked in the sex trade as a masseuse and escort and ended up with another 26 sexual partners. When he first asked to reconcile (something I didn't want to do) I threw it all straight at him. At first, like many men, the idea intrigued him. The more he thought about it the more he recognized that I was no longer his mentally. To this day he still says I think and sometimes act too much like a single woman... especially where finances are concerned. Because I had whatever man I wanted I became quite adventuresome sexually... to the point that my husband once told me he felt I was very selfish. He struggles daily wondering what I'm doing and if I'm not satisfied with my life here (a valid concern considering how unhappy I was to be still married to him). The Lord is his comfort, and he relies very heavily on God, but the hurt caused throughout our relationship because of his insecurities exploded with the knowledge that his wife didn't really need him and, at one point, didn't even want him. The powerful temptation to keep contact with some of my "friends" caused so much hurt that he told me I was valuing them over him. Essentially, my activities out of marriage have hurt him, but he perseveres daily. He's taken so many knocks in life that he's now one of the sweetest men I know.

If you two had waited and he was still like he was, and you were like you were, do you think your marriage might not have faced these problems?

 

[RedTent]

I would like to make two observations that are not direct answers to your question.

I had very attractive daughters when premarital sex was the norm (even back then). To teach them to think for themselves, and also to keep them occupied while we cooked together, I would give them subjects to debate. We put the timer on for three minutes, they drew straws to determine the side they were to debate, and then each was to switch sides. We had many subjects, one of them was pre marital sex. As a result, I feel certain neither had premarital sex.

My other observation is that the results of premarital sex, or of the sexual revolution, has impacted every aspect of every culture. The word harlot is mentioned 42 times in the KJV. It is a primary drive. It is the foundation of the family, the foundation of all cultures. It has changed our culture at a root level. When God is a force in a life there is an understanding of the realities of sex. When God loses His meaning, so does sex.

It isn't the immediate impact that sexual ignorance gives in each life that is most important, but the impact on the spiritual life of both the individual and the world.

 

[Mammachickadee]

If you two had waited and he was still like he was, and you were like you were, do you think your marriage might not have faced these problems?

We are two selfish people with different levels of sexual desire. I'm a nympho and he's a reclusive gaming addict. I'm sure we would have run into these types of problems regardless. Had I taken more time to get to know him before becoming sexually involved I would have lost any fantasies about his being a man I could marry. We married for all the wrong reasons, and it's by God's grace alone that we are still married.

 

[phil36]

Hi jordache,

I know what you are saying or atleast what you may be asking. As you can see by the honest posts above it has an emotional effect. I think that mixed with porn gives people an unnatural view of sex, especially the young. It may be fun a the time but if we honestly think about it..these a low afterwards...

Anyhow there was a recent study, and apparently those who have casual sex are more likely to be depressed or have depressed feelings afterwards (cant remember the study - herd it on the radio BBC 1).

Sex is about feelings and emotions..we have a skewed view that its just for fun.. ?


deep down if people are honest with themselves they do feel guilty about bed hopping. just some thoughts for you.

 

[HEstolemyheart]

My husband and I both had sex with others and each other, before our marriage. We were actually expecting when we got married, but let me be clear, we were married because we WANTED to be married, not because of our pregnancy.

It has caused stress in our sex life.

If you aren't learning new things together you feel like you're trying to measure up to one another, or comparing yourself, if even in your own mind to there other partners.

Some of my past partners were very cruel. Sex was painful for me for a long time. It still is. I'm not saying the things I experience where a punishment from God for having sex outside of marriage, But I am saying there were a direct result of them. By God's Grace my husband and I have worked through our issues and with God's helped had a (mostly) restored sex life.

You may think that "i'm going to be with this person for the rest of my life, so why not go ahead and have sex?" I thought that, too, with my first partner. Then when he got me pregnant, he left me. He beat me and I miscarried.

God doesn't say you CAN'T step out of His will for you, (which is to wait until marriage), but he also doesn't say there won't be consequences if you don't. Maybe that makes sense.

 

[kim12345]

99% cervical cancer is cause from a sexually tramsitted virus --- hpv--- sex when married is better

 

[lcerveny]

I would love to answer your question. I did just this.............had sex before marriage and more than once. I also had an affair in my first marriage. I was not a Christian at the time, however, now that I am re-married it still has affected my life. (The sin of sex before marriage & adultery) I have no sex life. My husband and I both choose not to have sex. This may seem weird and maybe it is but I really have no desire to have sex. We are close in so many other ways. However, I do know that sex within a marriage is suppose to be a gift from God. I pray about our sex life and I guess God will deal with this in his own time.
So I do believe that there is a consequence to the choices we make in life. We can be forgiven but there is always a possible consequence. I am forgiven and God is good and good is what he does!!!

 

[lcerveny]

P.S. Never had a positive view of sex as a child either. My mother had men in and out of our house as I was growing up. Alcohol included. Violence too.
Funny with my first husband I lived with him before marriage and my mother said.............he will never marry you. He did in fact marry me but the funny part was my mother trying to parent after she had already set the rules. Children learn a lot by watching what their parents do. Very sad situation.

 

[Mammachickadee]

If you two had waited and he was still like he was, and you were like you were, do you think your marriage might not have faced these problems?

His abuse actually stemmed from "demons" of the past. He never knew his father since the man died when he was an infant of a heart attack. As he was growing up he was also sexually and physically abused repeatedly. Growing up in the ghettos of Chicago, never getting counselling, and being in the military makes for an interesting man. My own issues stem from being a nympho; being emotionally, spiritually, and physically abused as a child; and spending my entire life among hypocritical Christians with little better to do than turn no each other, thus providing an occasion for my bitterness and anger. Yes, my sin is my own... but growing up with very little support makes for poor thought life.

 

[Mammachickadee]

99% cervical cancer is cause from a sexually tramsitted virus --- hpv--- sex when married is better

um... more than one way to skin a cat

 

[BarlyGurl]

what a tragic gloomy testimony