6 Words I Dread: "You. Would. Be. Perfect. For. Me!"

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I don't mean to complain, but after being a part of the dating world for over a decade, there is one sentence I've actually come to loathe: "You would be perfect for me!!"

Let me explain why.

Now, first let me say that I haven't had tons of suitors over the years. I actually went out on... let me think... 3 dates? In the past year and a half? So that was pretty much a record for me. But after 10 years, I do have a few stories to tell.
I've also had my experiences with 1 dating service and 3 online dating sites--how much dating disaster can one life hold? You are about to find out!

The reason I hate hearing this sentence is because in my experience, the person saying it is looking at what I can do or be for him and has absolutely no regard for who I state that I am and what I may need.

For instance, I've never touched drugs because of FEAR, not self-righteous, and I have often had guys struggling in this area say, "You would be perfect for me!" I want to tell them, Do you not have any consideration that your lifestyle would scare me to death? I also rarely drink (I'm allergic to alcohol but can have small amounts) but have had alcoholics say, "You would be perfect for me, you could help keep me sober."

I am NOT saying that people can't or should not be given a second chance, but what I AM saying is, "PLEASE. DO NOT rely on me or anyone else to 'save' you from these kinds of life-threatening issues. I am just one person, and I certainly can't keep you from something that strong."

Here are other numerous example I have heard--"You would be perfect for me, because..."

1. You're Asian (and because of this) you would be the perfect mother to my own Asian children. (True story, TWICE!!!)

2. (You're a good girl) and could help keep me out of trouble/keep me from straying from my faith/keep me out of prison.

3. You don't have any children so you would be the perfect mother for mine!

4. You could help keep me feeling young (written by men 60 and over.)

Now inherently, there is nothing wrong with the phrase, "You would be perfect for me." But what I hate is the motivation I find behind it--"You can be exactly what I need or else I can change you into what I want." What I have come to resent is the automatic assumption of what someone can GET from me without any indication, whatsoever, that I am an individual with preferences, weaknesses, and needs of my own. (I've NEVER ONCE been told by someone, "I would be PERFECT for YOU, because I could help you with...")

(I have had one exception with older men saying they could add to my life financially, which I hate because I am not an object to be bought. God has provided me with a job, place to live, and something to eat--I don't need your offer to buy me out like a piece of property, thanks.)

I admit that the one great thing about this is that it has hopefully changed MY thinking. I've always taken my role as a "helpmate" seriously and while, not perfect by any means, have tried to look at someone with an attitude of, "How can I add to this person's life?"

I have never told anyone I would be perfect for them because to me personally, I feel that would be much too audacious to say to someone and, quite honestly, out of line. (I'm not condemning anyone who feels differently, it's just that I can only speak from my own point of view.) But I remember having a crush on a guy in my late teens who had dropped out of school and thinking to myself, "Well, if we went out on dates, and if he wanted me to, maybe I could help him learn to read," because I had heard that he had never fully learned how. I didn't mean it as a way to change him or give myself a purpose--I meant it as a way to help.

I guess what frustrates me is the general thought of what I could be for someone else... and they don't even take the time to ask what I might need someone else to be or help me with in my own life.

Does this happen to anyone else? I know it's meant as a compliment, but how can one go about it in a better way? Have you been told you would be perfect for someone, and did you agree with them?

Have you ever told someone they would be perfect for you? How did you also show that you were considerate of what they needed as well? Or, have you ever told anyone that you would be perfect for them?


I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

 

[T_Laurich]

Dealing with this issue atm... Some girl started p.m.ing me saying I am the one for her... I am trying to dissolve it but, yah... I feel you soulsearch

 

[JoyofLord]

Hey Seoulsearch I totally understand where u r coming from. I have met men who have thought I would be an asset to help them achieve their goals but they have not spent the time to get to know me or what God has put on my heart, I also feel some of them are more in need of a spiritual mother and have mistaken me for what they think would be a good partner. God has really helped me to minister into their lives but he has shown me the relationship would not be right for anything more. I commend you for recognising it. I notice when men truly like me they ask questions about me and want to get to know me instead of just talking about themselves and what they need, that has been very rare to be honest. I know God has your perfect mate out there I pray for all of us to meet them and be able to minister to the ones we meet along the way and help them turn towards Jesus. Bless you Joyoflord

 

[KJV15John11]

I don't know if this is true for all guys, but I get a similar statement but with a different focus. It usually starts with the finances. Of course, why should any of us be surprised. In our society, an man is defined by his job. Whenever meeting someone for the first time, first question is name, and second . . . what do you do for a living? I enjoy my job and have the opportunity to exercise my God-given gifts and talents, but it doesn't define who I am. There was a thread about "Men and honesty." Sometimes I want to lie just to eliminate those women who are more interested in what I can give them financially than who I am as a person. I've been tempted to say that I buy dirty diapers on the Internet for a living. Let them try and figure that one out!

What seems to happen is they take their current situation, add in my finances, and figure out what of HER dreams she can fulfill. I have spent 20 years of my life taking care of My responsibilities. I honored them and followed through even when the partner I choose stopped. Now that is finished, I have my own dreams, and that is to be in a place where God can direct me and use me more fully. If it happens to be in a place that may require taking on other responsibilities, then I'm sure that God will provide. But to go out and start looking at houses that WE will purchase when WE get married . . .

I do have to accept some of the blame for this. My nature is to be helpful, even to my own demise. When I start out a relationship, I look for ways to make others' lives easier. Right off the bat, I become the "perfect" host to their "perfect" hostess. If there is kids, I try to be as supportive to the mom as much as possible. If the house or car need repairs, I'm your man. What I start noticing is that it starts to be taken for granted and expected. That only leads to resentment. The next thing I hear is that I need to set "boundaries." Boundaries? Does God have boundaries with me? Does He not love us and give without our deserving it? Why should I be any different with the gifts and talents He gives me?

I don't know if it is a flaw within our society, or just in all mankind, but we have a tendency to expectations. We have trouble accepting things as they are, and create our desires based on what we would like to see. One of the most beautiful traits of a woman is truly wanting what is best for her man and family, and trying to do all she can to support them in their endeavors. Unfortunately, that loving trait has been warped by our society, and the drive is to achieve what society says is best, not what the individual feels led by God to achieve. Unfortunately, that unhealthy push is also being made within the Christian mainstream.

If couples could learn to accept each other for who they are, and truly get to know their heart, their would be less strife in the world. Gals accept their friends for who they are, flaws and all. Guys do too. Why do we have the problem when we add the relationship element?

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I dated a guy for some time who got addicted to prescription medication about a year into us going out. He started doing drugs and drinking along with it. He would go missing for some days his mom would call me hysterical and i would have to go find him. A lot of nights I would get calls from his friends and bars at all hours of the night to come and get him.

He was in college and on the mornings he would have school i'd have to go get him out of the bed and help him get his clothes on. He would call me every name under the sun while i'm standing there putting his shirt over his head... then start crying and apologizing.

I stayed with him for 3 years and the thing i heard the most from both him and his mother is. Your perfect for him/me!

Now, when i hear your perfect for me, what i hear is I'm Selfish and i'm going to pull you down into my mess.

It's exactly what you said it was seoul. It's what can you do for me.

I mean i got my own mess i'm tryin to deal with, without having to play baby sitter to you because you can't control yourself.

 

[CatHerder]

Two types of men:

1. Those who would be perfect for Seoulsearch.

2. Those who Seolsearch would be perfect for.




Bwahaha, I kid. Okay. I enjoyed that. Even if I am the only one who think it funny.



Seriously though. Your post really is describing two things. The first is the focus on what you could do for him, rather than what both of you can do for each other. You have correctly identified this as selfishness.

The second is that when they elaborate with "because you don't drink, you can help me with my alcoholism" or somesuch, they are opening the door to codependency. It's not your job to fix their flaws. You are wise to run.

 

[seoulsearch]

Two types of men:

1. Those who would be perfect for Seoulsearch.

2. Those who Seolsearch would be perfect for.




Bwahaha, I kid. Okay. I enjoyed that. Even if I am the only one who think it funny.



Seriously though. Your post really is describing two things. The first is the focus on what you could do for him, rather than what both of you can do for each other. You have correctly identified this as selfishness.

The second is that when they elaborate with "because you don't drink, you can help me with my alcoholism" or somesuch, they are opening the door to codependency. It's not your job to fix their flaws. You are wise to run.

BAHAHAHAHA!!!

This was hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh, CH .

I suppose I am looking for that Elusive Third Type of Man: The one who would be perfect for SS, and the one whom SS would be perfect for. That category would officially be labeled, "Only. In. My. Dreams."

I'm sorry for some of the things every out there has gone through, especially Nod (you are a trooper... I can relate to a lot of what you shared!!) and Joy, I know what you are saying when someone is looking for a spiritual parent. No thanks, I want to be a wife, not the mother of a supposedly already-grown person.

The other reason I've been posting these things is because I have a strong sense of concern for our young people here. I'm hoping that they read some of the mishaps of some of us who are older, kicking ourselves in the butt for the past, and supposedly "wiser" because of it , it might help them make stronger choices and spare them some of the pain and stupidity we've all been through.

 

[rachelsedge]

I totally agree with you, seoulsearch, and some others on this thread. It's a selfish thing to say. The guy I had been talking to from CM said that to me after I told him I didn't want to pursue a relationship. He had gotten it into his head that we were going to get married. Seriously. After only one month of talking, three dates, and me saying we are just friends getting to know each other.

I think what irked me more is the fact that he knows so little of me, and yet thinks this. He knew some about me, sure, but he doesn't know me. There's a huge difference. He doesn't know what my passions are, what moves me, what breaks my heart. And yet he thinks I'm perfect for him. He will not let me go either. He's smacking of desperateness and selfishness. It's irritating.

I'm wondering if guys (and gals) who say that think it's flattering to the person they're saying it to. Like they think I'll think, "Oh wow, I'm just so wonderful, so much so that he NEEDS me in his life!" When really, it's doing quite the opposite and driving me away.

It is a bit selfish to say. It puts the other person on the spot, especially if they don't feel the same way.

 

[CatHerder]

Yes. A good alternative would be "you are moderately adequate for me!!!"


or


"meh...you'll do...."


**snork**

 

[woka]

I often talk to my teenage daughter about relationships and ask what she would expect to find in one. Often she will say thing's like I read in a book that she was one half and he the other half and together they make a whole.

Is this also not an add on to the you would be perfect for me"? statement? I say this because we would then be a whole who would be a complete person to do all thing's make correct decisions and so on.

However I have told my daughter than when we look for a partner it is never to complete us, as we need to be complete as people first, as it would not be fair to expect from someone else what we feel we are lacking in ourselves, would it?

Her dad best described it by saying that you find someone you really like, then learn to love, and you go through life together on a journey of a lifetime.

I think of my own love story and when I met my hubby he was a very poor guy who had just finished his military service, yes girls the six pack was there lol, he then sold ice cream for a living. I had a secretarial job, and we were great friends. We stuck to each other, loved each other through it all. We were rejected by family and friends, as we come from two different cultures, and spoke different languages.

He was told by his dad that he was making the biggest mistake being with me, but love truly conquers all.

Today Paul is my world, I love him with ever fibre of my being. He has taught me to love, he has taught me acceptance, he has taught me forgiveness. He has sacrificed himself millions of times over for us his family.

This love story is one, everybody can have. Jesus is so giving when we are all so undeserving.

I pray for you girl to experience it is so worth the wait.........................

 

[Chainhand]

I don't claim to be good at communicating with others by any means, but I do agree that it sounds like a very selfish statement to make, as does "I would be perfect for you." If it was meant as in "Because you are the same race as my children", it just sounds weird and shallow in my opinion.

 

[Liamson]

I guess I don't get it.

I understand the Irony of being with someone who thinks they are ideal for you but turns out to be a life sucking leech BUT, thats life. Eventually if you ever hope to get off the ground again, you are going to have to learn to trust.


I guess you can throw the towel in and just be wound up about the past and unhappy with anyone who thinks they want to be apart of your life or you can try again, let it go and start over.



But if you are looking for a man to come and along and prove you wrong and knock you out of your tower, its going to be tough sledding. I don't know that I've met a man who says, "I want a woman with a chip on her shoulder against men who think she is wonderful."

 

[MissCris]

I...have never had anyone tell me that I am/would be perfect for them.

I'll chalk that up to the fact that most people think I'm sorta really odd, or that I just haven't met enough people...

On a more serious note, I can see how someone saying that to you would feel like they are putting kind of a lot on your shoulders. A heck of a lot of expectation, I guess...what if you get really involved with a person who originally thought you were perfect for them, and they find out you're *GASP* not perfect at all? Oh no!

Or, I can see Liamson's point here too (I think...honestly, I NEV.ER. assume that I'm getting Liamson's point...in fact, I'm just going to keep my thoughts on that to myself because if I'm going to miss the point, I'll just..hush...before I embarrass myself. Again. Further. Whatever, I'm gonna go eat a bagel).

Please refer to my signature, if you are confused about what just happened here.

 

[seoulsearch]

Yes. A good alternative would be "you are moderately adequate for me!!!"


or


"meh...you'll do...."


**snork**

This is funny and not so funny at the same time. I actually had a guy at work tell me once, "Well, you're still single... (all the girls at work he wanted to date got boyfriends) I guess I could date you."

Gee, how flattering.

I guess I don't get it.

You are going to have to learn to trust.


I guess you can throw the towel in and just be wound up about the past and unhappy with anyone who thinks they want to be apart of your life or you can try again, let it go and start over.

But if you are looking for a man to come and along and prove you wrong and knock you out of your tower, its going to be tough sledding. I don't know that I've met a man who says, "I want a woman with a chip on her shoulder against men who think she is wonderful."

Trust isn't actually as much of an issue for me. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt to a fault (all my friends tell me so) and I definitely don't have a chip on my shoulder towards men.

I'm not talking about a genuine man telling me I could be valuable in his life. I've never had a genuine guy tell me I'd be perfect for him because he was too busy actually trying to find out who I am.

I'm talking about a man (or woman, as some of you guys have experienced) who wants to treat you as more of an accessory, crutch, or fallout shelter for their own lives without hardly knowing anything about you, as Rachel very clearly pointed out.

They want your SERVICES, not YOU. They talk about what you can do or be for them, not who you really are, because they don't know or bother to ask.

I'm not talking about someone who actually does care. I'm talking about someone who cares about what he/she thinks they can gain from having you, or as a personal babysitter, as Nod's example clearly pointed out.

 

[seoulsearch]

Sorry for the double post.

Another way to look at it from a more male perspective would be--guys, have you ever had a girl who wanted you because you're on the football team, have a car, or a job that a woman assumed paid a lot? And some girl starts telling you she loves you and that you're the perfect guy for her? But she knows nothing about you except that you're good-looking or have a car or have a job she thinks brings in the big bucks. She knows nothing about your likes, dislikes, or dreams, and doesn't bother to ask. You might not even have all that much in common with her.

But she insists YOU'RE the ONE. She's not interested in you or what she can bring to the relationship--she thinks her being there and wanting you is enough. What she's really interested in is how you can make her look good, boost her popularity, take her places, and buy her things. She's interested in what you can DO for her, not WHO YOU ARE.

Yeah. It's pretty much that.

 

[DuchessAimee]

I've been told that I was perfect for someone on multiple occasions. A friend of mine (who was an alcoholic) told me that I kept him sober, so I was perfect for him. Then his mom jumped on board. I knew I couldn't keep him sober, but I did try. It lasted 18 months, and ended with me slamming the door in his face.


This is going to sound horrible, but we as people want to be with other people because of what they can do for us. They "make us" happy, laugh, feel warm and fuzzy, nervous, or dinner, they do the dishes, wash clothes, buy groceries, etc. Now, some people are stupid enough to skip over the emotional side of it and grow straight to "you get to raise my children!". Which is unfortunate. But when it comes down to it, we are social creatures who NEED each other for things. It's just the way it is.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

The only "perfect for me" comment that scared me was someone spiritually less mature saying that my spiritual life would inspire him to be a better person. Eeck! For one thing, I'm sooo human! Don't lean on me for your reformation! I can't fix you... For another, I really need to be with someone I can follow and respect as a spiritual leader.

Other than that, when someone says I'm perfect for them, I take it as a compliment. Even if their reasoning is somewhat naive. Hehe. I mean, I do want to be appreciated for what I could bring into a marriage.

KJV - reading your post on finances made me think of the time I asked someone how they handled finances. They wrote back saying that they made this much money, was this successful, etc. I was horrified to think that they thought I was asking that! What I wanted to know was whether they could live within their means. I care very little for money (I don't need any more than I have right now, being single), but I care very much for remaining debt free and financially responsible. Anyway, I probably sounded very shallow to that poor guy. In the future I'll definitely have to reword that question!

 

[Relena7]

Leech says to person: "You would be perfect for me because you are full of juicy blood.... and I'm hungry"


Off-topic and extreme, but this is where my mind went. xD


(...Carry on people.... nothing to see here....)

 

[Relena7]

There is nothing wrong with being needed by another, as long as it's give and take. Not just take, take, take.

 

[ServantStrike]

Sorry for the double post.

Another way to look at it from a more male perspective would be--guys, have you ever had a girl who wanted you because you're on the football team, have a car, or a job that a woman assumed paid a lot? And some girl starts telling you she loves you and that you're the perfect guy for her? But she knows nothing about you except that you're good-looking or have a car or have a job she thinks brings in the big bucks. She knows nothing about your likes, dislikes, or dreams, and doesn't bother to ask. You might not even have all that much in common with her.

But she insists YOU'RE the ONE. She's not interested in you or what she can bring to the relationship--she thinks her being there and wanting you is enough. What she's really interested in is how you can make her look good, boost her popularity, take her places, and buy her things. She's interested in what you can DO for her, not WHO YOU ARE.

Yeah. It's pretty much that.

I'm currently unemployed, so I currently get the door slammed in my face because I can't prove to her I can buy her a Mercedes. That's her problem though as I'm going to find work eventually and when I do I will make a decent salary as a degreed worker in IT, but not a stellar one as I want to be home and enjoy the family I want to have (so if I save up for the kid's going to college, there is still no Mercedes in there).

And I'm not getting a Mercedes even when single because it's wasteful IMO, and because I think my current rust bucket with a fanstastic drive train that only has 83k miles is perfect gold digger repellent. Any woman who would date a man who is that frugal is going to be interested in me for my other qualities, like my Love of Jesus, and like the fact that I won't be eyeballing other women (or her for that matter unless we got married).

There is nothing wrong with being needed by another, as long as it's give and take. Not just take, take, take.

And OP, I'll turn it around on you and give you a glimmer of hope. You would be perfect for a man who loves the Lord his God with all of his heart.

I say that because you're not looking for someone to take care of, nor are you looking to take care of someone else (I would imagine barring some post marriage illness etc). You're looking for someone who doesn't need you to complete them, because they are already complete in Christ Jesus, as are you.

The "You're perfect for me" line is going in my long list of pet peeves with foolish suitors. You nailed this one.