Hey Everyone,
I don't mean to complain, but after being a part of the dating world for over a decade, there is one sentence I've actually come to loathe: "You would be perfect for me!!"
Let me explain why.
Now, first let me say that I haven't had tons of suitors over the years. I actually went out on... let me think... 3 dates? In the past year and a half? So that was pretty much a record for me. But after 10 years, I do have a few stories to tell.
I've also had my experiences with 1 dating service and 3 online dating sites--how much dating disaster can one life hold? You are about to find out!
The reason I hate hearing this sentence is because in my experience, the person saying it is looking at what I can do or be for him and has absolutely no regard for who I state that I am and what I may need.
For instance, I've never touched drugs because of FEAR, not self-righteous, and I have often had guys struggling in this area say, "You would be perfect for me!" I want to tell them, Do you not have any consideration that your lifestyle would scare me to death? I also rarely drink (I'm allergic to alcohol but can have small amounts) but have had alcoholics say, "You would be perfect for me, you could help keep me sober."
I am NOT saying that people can't or should not be given a second chance, but what I AM saying is, "PLEASE. DO NOT rely on me or anyone else to 'save' you from these kinds of life-threatening issues. I am just one person, and I certainly can't keep you from something that strong."
Here are other numerous example I have heard--"You would be perfect for me, because..."
1. You're Asian (and because of this) you would be the perfect mother to my own Asian children. (True story, TWICE!!!)
2. (You're a good girl) and could help keep me out of trouble/keep me from straying from my faith/keep me out of prison.
3. You don't have any children so you would be the perfect mother for mine!
4. You could help keep me feeling young (written by men 60 and over.)
Now inherently, there is nothing wrong with the phrase, "You would be perfect for me." But what I hate is the motivation I find behind it--"You can be exactly what I need or else I can change you into what I want." What I have come to resent is the automatic assumption of what someone can GET from me without any indication, whatsoever, that I am an individual with preferences, weaknesses, and needs of my own. (I've NEVER ONCE been told by someone, "I would be PERFECT for YOU, because I could help you with...")
(I have had one exception with older men saying they could add to my life financially, which I hate because I am not an object to be bought. God has provided me with a job, place to live, and something to eat--I don't need your offer to buy me out like a piece of property, thanks.)
I admit that the one great thing about this is that it has hopefully changed MY thinking. I've always taken my role as a "helpmate" seriously and while, not perfect by any means, have tried to look at someone with an attitude of, "How can I add to this person's life?"
I have never told anyone I would be perfect for them because to me personally, I feel that would be much too audacious to say to someone and, quite honestly, out of line. (I'm not condemning anyone who feels differently, it's just that I can only speak from my own point of view.) But I remember having a crush on a guy in my late teens who had dropped out of school and thinking to myself, "Well, if we went out on dates, and if he wanted me to, maybe I could help him learn to read," because I had heard that he had never fully learned how. I didn't mean it as a way to change him or give myself a purpose--I meant it as a way to help.
I guess what frustrates me is the general thought of what I could be for someone else... and they don't even take the time to ask what I might need someone else to be or help me with in my own life.
Does this happen to anyone else? I know it's meant as a compliment, but how can one go about it in a better way? Have you been told you would be perfect for someone, and did you agree with them?
Have you ever told someone they would be perfect for you? How did you also show that you were considerate of what they needed as well? Or, have you ever told anyone that you would be perfect for them?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!
I don't mean to complain, but after being a part of the dating world for over a decade, there is one sentence I've actually come to loathe: "You would be perfect for me!!"
Let me explain why.
Now, first let me say that I haven't had tons of suitors over the years. I actually went out on... let me think... 3 dates? In the past year and a half? So that was pretty much a record for me. But after 10 years, I do have a few stories to tell.
I've also had my experiences with 1 dating service and 3 online dating sites--how much dating disaster can one life hold? You are about to find out!
The reason I hate hearing this sentence is because in my experience, the person saying it is looking at what I can do or be for him and has absolutely no regard for who I state that I am and what I may need.
For instance, I've never touched drugs because of FEAR, not self-righteous, and I have often had guys struggling in this area say, "You would be perfect for me!" I want to tell them, Do you not have any consideration that your lifestyle would scare me to death? I also rarely drink (I'm allergic to alcohol but can have small amounts) but have had alcoholics say, "You would be perfect for me, you could help keep me sober."
I am NOT saying that people can't or should not be given a second chance, but what I AM saying is, "PLEASE. DO NOT rely on me or anyone else to 'save' you from these kinds of life-threatening issues. I am just one person, and I certainly can't keep you from something that strong."
Here are other numerous example I have heard--"You would be perfect for me, because..."
1. You're Asian (and because of this) you would be the perfect mother to my own Asian children. (True story, TWICE!!!)
2. (You're a good girl) and could help keep me out of trouble/keep me from straying from my faith/keep me out of prison.
3. You don't have any children so you would be the perfect mother for mine!
4. You could help keep me feeling young (written by men 60 and over.)
Now inherently, there is nothing wrong with the phrase, "You would be perfect for me." But what I hate is the motivation I find behind it--"You can be exactly what I need or else I can change you into what I want." What I have come to resent is the automatic assumption of what someone can GET from me without any indication, whatsoever, that I am an individual with preferences, weaknesses, and needs of my own. (I've NEVER ONCE been told by someone, "I would be PERFECT for YOU, because I could help you with...")
(I have had one exception with older men saying they could add to my life financially, which I hate because I am not an object to be bought. God has provided me with a job, place to live, and something to eat--I don't need your offer to buy me out like a piece of property, thanks.)
I admit that the one great thing about this is that it has hopefully changed MY thinking. I've always taken my role as a "helpmate" seriously and while, not perfect by any means, have tried to look at someone with an attitude of, "How can I add to this person's life?"
I have never told anyone I would be perfect for them because to me personally, I feel that would be much too audacious to say to someone and, quite honestly, out of line. (I'm not condemning anyone who feels differently, it's just that I can only speak from my own point of view.) But I remember having a crush on a guy in my late teens who had dropped out of school and thinking to myself, "Well, if we went out on dates, and if he wanted me to, maybe I could help him learn to read," because I had heard that he had never fully learned how. I didn't mean it as a way to change him or give myself a purpose--I meant it as a way to help.
I guess what frustrates me is the general thought of what I could be for someone else... and they don't even take the time to ask what I might need someone else to be or help me with in my own life.
Does this happen to anyone else? I know it's meant as a compliment, but how can one go about it in a better way? Have you been told you would be perfect for someone, and did you agree with them?
Have you ever told someone they would be perfect for you? How did you also show that you were considerate of what they needed as well? Or, have you ever told anyone that you would be perfect for them?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!