Pursuing a Relationship

[rachelsedge]

Please wait for the poll.

A friend and I were talking last night, about how we both think that the male should be the main one to pursue when it comes to a relationship. This isn't saying that the woman just sits back, but more when it comes to initiating going out on a date, or expressing interest/stepping up first. However, I know not everyone thinks this way.

I have my reasons for asking. I have a situation in my life (well, less of a present situation and more of a past one) that pushes me to ask. I may share it later if it proves to be relevant to the discussion.

I didn't put an "Other" option or multiple choice because I know there are many "It depends" situations, but I'm looking for what you tend to believe.

ETA: I know there tends to be a lot of emphasis on "Who should pursue???", (possibly too much) but this is out of curiosity.

 

[CatHerder]

Please wait for the poll.

A friend and I were talking last night, about how we both think that the male should be the main one to pursue when it comes to a relationship. This isn't saying that the woman just sits back, but more when it comes to initiating going out on a date, or expressing interest/stepping up first. However, I know not everyone thinks this way.

I have my reasons for asking. I have a situation in my life (well, less of a present situation and more of a past one) that pushes me to ask. I may share it later if it proves to be relevant to the discussion.

I didn't put an "Other" option or multiple choice because I know there are many "It depends" situations, but I'm looking for what you tend to believe.

ETA: I know there tends to be a lot of emphasis on "Who should pursue???", (possibly too much) but this is out of curiosity.

hmmmmm......does this have anything to do with your experience playing handball? I voted that the dude should pursue. That is not to say that you can't bat your eyes or drop a handkerchief or show certain signs of interest....

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I'm pretty sure I've even said this before to you Rachel. Dunno. But umm..yeah,I don't think it's a bad thing if the woman pursues the man. I don't think you'll see that done very much in Christian circles though,as I think it's frowned upon mostly.

I'm not sure it's a healthy thing to "sit" back always. That almost makes it sound as though you may just not care either way.

I've been on both sides of the coin,and either or is nice. I'm not against making the initial move of showing interest,but it is flattering sometimes when the woman does too.

Confused yet? lol

 

[rachelsedge]

hmmmmm......does this have anything to do with your experience playing handball? I voted that the dude should pursue. That is not to say that you can't bat your eyes or drop a handkerchief or show certain signs of interest....

Ha, nope, nothing to do with that, though I will keep your advice in mind.

 

[JimJimmers]

That is not to say that you can't bat your eyes or drop a handkerchief or show certain signs of interest....

NO NO NO NO NO!! He's playing sports, he won't notice anything subtle like a handkerchief. This is how to get his attention:

As far as the question goes, I think a female pursuing is fine, as long as she is classy and Godly about it.

 

[mystdancer50]

Women want to be honored, pursued, seen as captivating and worth the chase. Men want to hunt and chase and capture and win. So, due to the natural inclinations, men should pursue. My opinion. I for one will never pursue, chase, or ask a man out. That's just me.

 

[colalella2891]

I personally don't think it matters, it shouldn't matter who initiates or pursues. It seems old fashioned to me to say that the guy is the one that has to pursue all the time. My mom has told me that she thinks the guy should pursue, but it seems like most women are going to think that way...

I think it's easier if the guy and girl become good friends first, and if one shows signs of liking the other, then the other can make a move. Whoever it is, the guy or the girl.

Just my opinion.

 

[Liamson]

My usual catch 22...

People- so do you like Grace?

Me- Nope, I don't really know Grace.

People- Well, she's a nice girl, you should get to know her.

Me- so I should... take her out on a date?

People- YEAH!!!

Me- I don't think so, I don't know her that well.



Exploration Dating is very awkward. Cause when I don't ask a girl out again, then they get all mad at me. "You were the one who asked me out and wanted to go out with ME, and now you don't anymore? Geez, you're a weirdo." Thats what I assume they are thinking.

 

[zaoman32]

Well I voted for the first option and then due to my natural awkwardness around people and the fact that my grandma had to ask me grandpa on their first date, I'm beginning to lean more toward the either/or option.

I agree with Colalella, I think it'd be easier for the guy and girl to become friends first. That develops more of comfortable feeling and a sense of security between both so that the whole "AH HOLY CRAP WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!" is a little less intense. Although I do think in most situations the girl does just kind of sit and wait for the guy to make the first move, so it's just kind of how it goes.

I think I'm rambling now...

 

[Catlynn]

Iiiiii.....um.....well, I have this thing with being TOO honest. I'm really working on that bridling the tongue thing, because I often just say whatever I think. Not always, I'm usually pretty good about holding back the mean things that go through my head sometimes....

*cough* ANYway, I'm really kind of all about being up front and honest and avoiding miscommunication. I haven't asked a guy out, but I've definitely done the, "Hey, I like you." thing. Then it's up to them. I'm not much for dropping hints. I can't do it very well. lol Sometimes I'll feel the guy out and just try to hang out with them or talk with them a bit first, however, if I don't get the interest vibe, I don't take it any further than that. But the past couple of guys I've gone out with I usually initiate the whole "you're interesting to me" thing. Maybe I should be more mysterious....I never was very mysterious....

 

[ServantStrike]

hmmmmm......does this have anything to do with your experience playing handball? I voted that the dude should pursue. That is not to say that you can't bat your eyes or drop a handkerchief or show certain signs of interest....

The subtle hints aren't always blatant enough though. Maybe tracer rounds or a missile strike.

Ladies, if the man you're trying to attract ducks his head and yells "CONTACT" you know you've dropped enough hints. If he won't come your way then you can you assume he's either a complete wuss or taken.

Women want to be honored, pursued, seen as captivating and worth the chase. Men want to hunt and chase and capture and win. So, due to the natural inclinations, men should pursue. My opinion. I for one will never pursue, chase, or ask a man out. That's just me.

I might have misunderstood what you're saying.

If a woman wants to be pursued, she is sending mixed signals to the men who try to enter her life. The men who enjoy the thrill of the chase are not the men who just want to find someone who loves Jesus more than a future husband and settle down. The men who enjoy the thrill of the chase are not the men a Godly woman should want. If they are good at it, that means they've had way too much practice.

 

[JessicaMae]

Personally I think the guy should persue, but I might be a little bias because I physically cant do it.. I refuse to approach guys because I'm shy and my mouth just starts vomiting words until I'm left to awkwardly walk away.

Im gonna have to extremely disagree with colaella and zaoman because most of the time when you become friends first it either is way to awkward for someone to make the first move or your permanently friend-zoned. There are a few times where I friend-zoned some guys without realizing they were making a move. When I finally realized they were making a move it would have been to weird to respond, so I just ignored their moves and now they are basically friend-zoned permanently.
The friend route is too risky of a move to make if you have the intent on dating.

 

[kenthomas27]

Iiiiii.....um.....well, I have this thing with being TOO honest. I'm really working on that bridling the tongue thing, because I often just say whatever I think. Not always, I'm usually pretty good about holding back the mean things that go through my head sometimes....

*cough* ANYway, I'm really kind of all about being up front and honest and avoiding miscommunication. I haven't asked a guy out, but I've definitely done the, "Hey, I like you." thing. Then it's up to them. I'm not much for dropping hints. I can't do it very well. lol Sometimes I'll feel the guy out and just try to hang out with them or talk with them a bit first, however, if I don't get the interest vibe, I don't take it any further than that. But the past couple of guys I've gone out with I usually initiate the whole "you're interesting to me" thing. Maybe I should be more mysterious....I never was very mysterious....

I think you're selling yourself short Catlyn - that whole rant about the toddlers with diarrhea was pretty mysterious. Really - I think the state of Texas owes you a debt of gratitude for the quick work you made of that HAZMAT situation! That portion of the state might have had to be forfeited to Oklahoma if it weren't for you.

 

[Jullianna]

NO NO NO NO NO!! He's playing sports, he won't notice anything subtle like a handkerchief. This is how to get his attention:

As far as the question goes, I think a female pursuing is fine, as long as she is classy and Godly about it.

This should do wonders for football sales

 

[Catlynn]

I've also been told that I can be intimidating....so I try to communicate so as not to scare anyone off. Then again, do I really want someone who gets scared so easily? Not so much. I have no answer. I don't really have a preference. Either/Or.

 

[JimJimmers]

This should do wonders for football sales

Just tell all the ladies to be careful! You don't want this to happen:

 

[colalella2891]

Personally I think the guy should persue, but I might be a little bias because I physically cant do it.. I refuse to approach guys because I'm shy and my mouth just starts vomiting words until I'm left to awkwardly walk away.

Im gonna have to extremely disagree with colaella and zaoman because most of the time when you become friends first it either is way to awkward for someone to make the first move or your permanently friend-zoned. There are a few times where I friend-zoned some guys without realizing they were making a move. When I finally realized they were making a move it would have been to weird to respond, so I just ignored their moves and now they are basically friend-zoned permanently.
The friend route is too risky of a move to make if you have the intent on dating.

Well... That is definitely true... The friend-zone isn't a fun place to be, and it happens. So yeah you have a good point. I guess it just depends on the situation.

The thing is spouses should be best friends in my opinion. A husband should be his wife's best friend, and a wife should be her husband's best friend. A relationship needs to be built on some type of friendship, because that's what keeps you together. Not just the physical attraction or the interest to date the other person. That's how I see it anyway.

And I like what you said about not being able to make the first move... I've been thinking about this since I saw this thread. Making the first move is not an easy thing to do... You're the only one that has issues with it, many guys are scared to death to do it. It seems like to me that most women want the guy to make the first move, because they don't want to have to deal with the stress to do it themselves. In my opinion it seems pretty unfair to put all the stress solely on the guy to do it, since it can be so intimidating.

Just something i've been thinking about...

 

[Nuns_n_roses]

I've always done the pursuing.

Guess where that's gotten me? *hint: I celebrate every Valentine's Day by buying my other single friends candy and flowers

 

[ServantStrike]

Personally I think the guy should persue, but I might be a little bias because I physically cant do it.. I refuse to approach guys because I'm shy and my mouth just starts vomiting words until I'm left to awkwardly walk away.

Im gonna have to extremely disagree with colaella and zaoman because most of the time when you become friends first it either is way to awkward for someone to make the first move or your permanently friend-zoned. There are a few times where I friend-zoned some guys without realizing they were making a move. When I finally realized they were making a move it would have been to weird to respond, so I just ignored their moves and now they are basically friend-zoned permanently.
The friend route is too risky of a move to make if you have the intent on dating.

You can un friend zone someone whever you chose to. Just hint at the possibility and maybe they will do the rest for you.

As for avoiding that problem in the future, just assume every guy who talks to you who isn't already dating (not a lot of married 17 year olds) at least considers asking you out a possiblity. Even when you're older, remember it may well be true.

I'm not saying guys are creepers either, or that they aren't interested in a Godly relationship, just recognize that many times a guy who approaches you is going to keep that possibility wide open unless he's taken. The difference is a Godly one wants a Godly relationship while the ungodly one wants what you can't give him.

I've also been told that I can be intimidating....so I try to communicate so as not to scare anyone off. Then again, do I really want someone who gets scared so easily? Not so much. I have no answer. I don't really have a preference. Either/Or.

Some men actually like that. Not naming names, but some of us don't mind it at all (note strength not being beaten down, not many men like that). You keep your previously aforementioned style of brutal honesty, it will serve you well someday.
If you send them running for the hills you saved yourself time until you find the right one, right?

Well... That is definitely true... The friend-zone isn't a fun place to be, and it happens. So yeah you have a good point. I guess it just depends on the situation.

The thing is spouses should be best friends in my opinion. A husband should be his wife's best friend, and a wife should be her husband's best friend. A relationship needs to be built on some type of friendship, because that's what keeps you together. Not just the physical attraction or the interest to date the other person. That's how I see it anyway.

And I like what you said about not being able to make the first move... I've been thinking about this since I saw this thread. Making the first move is not an easy thing to do... You're the only one that has issues with it, many guys are scared to death to do it. It seems like to me that most women want the guy to make the first move, because they don't want to have to deal with the stress to do it themselves. In my opinion it seems pretty unfair to put all the stress solely on the guy to do it, since it can be so intimidating.

Just something i've been thinking about...

The trick to making the first move is to expect it to blow up in your face. That way when it doesn't, you're pleasantly surprised, and if it does blow up in your face, well at least you were braced for impact.

There are rare exceptions though. Sometimes it goes so sideways you're completely and totally dumbstruck. When that happens don't raise your voice defensively. Just back away slowly, maintaining eye contact (like when you anger a bear), and open the door with one hand behind your back.

 

[JessicaMae]

Well... That is definitely true... The friend-zone isn't a fun place to be, and it happens. So yeah you have a good point. I guess it just depends on the situation.


The thing is spouses should be best friends in my opinion. A husband should be his wife's best friend, and a wife should be her husband's best friend. A relationship needs to be built on some type of friendship, because that's what keeps you together. Not just the physical attraction or the interest to date the other person. That's how I see it anyway.


And I like what you said about not being able to make the first move... I've been thinking about this since I saw this thread. Making the first move is not an easy thing to do... You're the only one that has issues with it, many guys are scared to death to do it. It seems like to me that most women want the guy to make the first move, because they don't want to have to deal with the stress to do it themselves. In my opinion it seems pretty unfair to put all the stress solely on the guy to do it, since it can be so intimidating.


Just something i've been thinking about...

I think husbands and wives should be best friends, since you spend a majority of time together. But I think the relationship starts with the physical attraction and interest to date. Then through the whole dating process stuff you become best friends. And when you realize you are, then you wanna get married. Maybe I'm wrong..
The friend route most of the time ends in disaster with the exception of the few couples who do marry their childhood best friend.


You got me, it is very unfair for females to put the stress solely on the guy. I think the female can help by flirting or whatever, and take some of the stress off. But I think the male should make the first official move. I think it is still somewhat part of society for the guy to make the first move.