I need more than you are willing to give.

[Jullianna]

if you're truly at the beginning of a relationship, the minimum would be once or twice a week, and i'd expect to talk to them on the phone at least a couple more days.

i can't imagine not have a quasi discussion about this subject at some point early-ish on. schedules have to dictate as well.

one thing that matters is how we spend our time. as much as i love watching a movie with a guy, i don't want every single time i see him to be some passive activity where i don't feel like i'm getting to know him any better. i really cherish those times where you can make dinner together or do some activity that allows me to actually hear how his mind works.

"emotional interaction" must be relatively commensurate with actual time spent. it matters almost as much.

does that make sense?

I'm not a fan of talking on the phone with most people (I hate small talk), but I've found that talking with someone right before you go to sleep at night is a fantastic way to get to know someone. I think there's something about it that causes people to be more relaxed and open with one another than they might be looking you in the eye due to shyness/self-consciousness, or perhaps exhaustion loosens one's tongue a bit.

I do like talking/laughing with someone over dinner, walking, hiking, whatever, but I also love quiet times when you can just snuggle/hold hands and enjoy being together.

One of my brothers always said:
"The trouble with being in a relationship is that sooner or later they're gonna wanna talk to ya."

This could explain why he had five wives before declaring forever singleness. I would put a smiley face here, but it's really not funny.

 

[Fenner]

Every waking moment, kidding. I guess it depends on schedules, how much you like each other etc. I know when I dated I pushed a few guys away by saying something like, we're going to get sick of each other because I am the type of person who needs time alone or I go a little nuts.

 

[abbiejean]

I got flaked out on for a thing I was going to, by a girl that I was testing the waters on.


It made me realize that boundaries go both ways.


In one sense, there is the normative, "Don't smother me" boundary. You know, the I need my space cause I have a life, and it would not be beneficial for either of us to suddenly change focus and have it revolve around each other.


Understandable.


However, there is another boundary. This one is on the back end.


If I talk to someone once a week, and hang out once a month. I would say I'm not interested. But for some people this is their comfort zone. I respect that, but I also know that for me, that is not enough.


If I've asked someone out and they say yes, have a good time and then plan to go out again, that seems like its starting to become a thing. However, when communication becomes sparse and dates become infrequent, I have to wonder, what exactly have I signed myself up for.



so this is my question, and this is not my circumstance, only my inquiry....


What is the minimum amount of time you would spend with someone you were starting a relationship with?

Good question Liamson.

For me the minimum amount of time I would spend with someone when starting a relationship (and let me saw here any kind of relationship be it casual acquaintance, friendship or committed not sure where this is headed type of relationship) it would be at least some sort of contact daily - email, phone call, something to have contact with the person. Initially. To get to know one another. That initial period could be a relatively short amount of time or longer depending on the two involved and where they are at emotionally, mentally and yes physically and most importantly - spiritually. Then once the initial conversation and establishing who we are, then periodic contacts based on schedules and other interests or other commitments.

Boundaries are good. Needed. Purposeful. I believe in them. And if I'm told by the other person what they are (if they have some in place), I will, out of respect, abide by them. Communication is so important. If I don't know, I cannot act accordingly. I thank God that I was gifted several things, but being a mind reader was not one of them. LOL

God is good.

With a thankful heart,
Abbie Jean

 

[just_monicat]

I'm not a fan of talking on the phone with most people (I hate small talk), but I've found that talking with someone right before you go to sleep at night is a fantastic way to get to know someone. I think there's something about it that causes people to be more relaxed and open with one another than they might be looking you in the eye due to shyness/self-consciousness, or perhaps exhaustion loosens one's tongue a bit.

I do like talking/laughing with someone over dinner, walking, hiking, whatever, but I also love quiet times when you can just snuggle/hold hands and enjoy being together.

One of my brothers always said:
"The trouble with being in a relationship is that sooner or later they're gonna wanna talk to ya."

This could explain why he had five wives before declaring forever singleness. I would put a smiley face here, but it's really not funny.

agreed on all points.

i'm pretty funny about the phone. for the most part i loathe it, (especially when girlfriends who use it to tell me everything they ate that day).

however, you are so right about the conversation in that quiet span of time between the activity of the evening and bedtime. maybe it's because i'm such a visual person, i feel like i learn so much in those of those conversations--nothing to do but close your eyes and listen, feel.

like the quiet of the moment elevates the exchange.

by the way, i love that quote (and all the bronte sisters). wuthering heights used to be one of my fave books.

 

[DuchessAimee]

In the beginning of stuff, I don't expect the guy to be all "Let's spend all our time together." Actually, that's really unhealthy. So I'm thinking coffee once a week, texting/phone calls a few times a week, etc. After we establish that we have enough in common to be more than friends, time together would increase as we could fit it into our schedules.


I want to be able to work together. For instance, I'm on my laptop or reading for class, etc, and he's doing something similar. I want to be able to be in the same room with him and be comfortable, but we don't have to be all over each other either. I also want him to hang out with his friends and him to be comfortable with me hanging out with my friends. I don't require every waking moment with him. I'm an intense person, and I am attracted to intense men. Therefore, I need time away and he will probably need time away from me as well.



And that's totes okay.

 

[Animus]

Minimun? 3.14 hours daily.

Maximun? The rest of his life if he's into pi and stuff. ...just saying.

That's irrational

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Once a week is cool. I think i'd have to talk to him in between, that would just make things awkard hanging out with someone you don't talk to, but once a week.

 

[wisebeardman]

I could go weeks into months without saying something to someone..

 

[1still_waters]

Texting, smart phones, email, and the Internet has really, super big time made this more complicated than it used to be.
With the ability to have some form of contact every second of the day, comes new, and maybe unrealistic and possibly unhealthy expectations.

Step back, and try to look at things the way we did before texting, email, smart phones, Internet etc.

Back in those days you might talk on the phone once a day. Maybe a nice good night chit chat on the phone.
Back in those days you might go out on a date once or twice a week.

But now with all of the technology we think if we're not texting/emailing/whatever at least five times a day, there may be some drought in the relationship. Yes one could say ..well why not go back to times we didn't have phones..or cars or..eh... No need to get absurd.

I'd say seeing each other once a week would be a minimum.
Of course the ability to glom onto each other electronically 24/7 can ruin that perspective if they only glom on 10 texts a day instead of 20.

 

[1still_waters]

Also if things progress from..Hey pretty lady I like your smile so let's hang out...to...Well hey pretty lady with the nice smile whom I've grown fond of, as you have of me.....

If things progress along those lines, one should expect more than one scheduled "date" a week. I'd think having a spur of the moment lunch, coffee, whatever should be expected too.

 

[wisebeardman]

Also if things progress from..Hey pretty lady I like your smile so let's hang out...to...Well hey pretty lady with the nice smile whom I've grown fond of, as you have of me.....

If things progress along those lines, one should expect more than one scheduled "date" a week. I'd think having a spur of the moment lunch, coffee, whatever should be expected too.

All is good, until you run into someone like me. I have spent my entire life alone. I am 31 almost 32 and I am very set in my ways. I really am pretty much a hermit. I get annoyed with people pretty quick. I can see someone I have not seen in 10 years and be annoyed by them after 5 minutes. I also do not contact people. I dont do phones and such. if I do happen to send an email its short and to the point. and I expect all reply to be the same.

 

[BananaPie]

Okay, lunch at JimmyJohn's. Later.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

All is good, until you run into someone like me. I have spent my entire life alone. I am 31 almost 32 and I am very set in my ways. I really am pretty much a hermit. I get annoyed with people pretty quick. I can see someone I have not seen in 10 years and be annoyed by them after 5 minutes. I also do not contact people. I dont do phones and such. if I do happen to send an email its short and to the point. and I expect all reply to be the same.

The probability of someone running into a person like you is slim to none since you're a hermit and all.

 

[wisebeardman]

The probability of someone running into a person like you is slim to none since you're a hermit and all.

Ah but this is what I have grown into. When you are pretty much forced to be alone young due to nobody wanting to be around you just because you have been set to be the kicking can, the one to be rejected, the one to be hated. by those in your generation. many become just like me.

 

[seoulsearch]

All is good, until you run into someone like me. I have spent my entire life alone. I am 31 almost 32 and I am very set in my ways. I really am pretty much a hermit. I get annoyed with people pretty quick. I can see someone I have not seen in 10 years and be annoyed by them after 5 minutes. I also do not contact people. I dont do phones and such. if I do happen to send an email its short and to the point. and I expect all reply to be the same.

All that love in your heart and no one to give it to... Such a shame...

 

[wisebeardman]

All that love in your heart and no one to give it to... Such a shame...

chance for that died when I was a teen. like I have said many times before. I gave up on the whole love/relationship garbage when I was about 16. I realized it was NEVER going to happen. so I quit caring. I ended up doing some things I wanted to do. (which really wasnt a whole lot.) but I have done all those things now. so now I just sit and watch the world go by as I wait to die. maybe someone here and there will learn something from me before I do die but if not oh well.

 

[seoulsearch]

chance for that died when I was a teen. like I have said many times before. I gave up on the whole love/relationship garbage when I was about 16. I realized it was NEVER going to happen. so I quit caring. I ended up doing some things I wanted to do. (which really wasnt a whole lot.) but I have done all those things now. so now I just sit and watch the world go by as I wait to die. maybe someone here and there will learn something from me before I do die but if not oh well.

No one who loses hope in something takes the time to repeat how much he doesn't care and has lost all his hope over and over again. If one doesn't care, they'll want to spend their time on anything else than what they supposedly don't care about. Why would someone who doesn't care at all purposely come to a place where he can tell us over and over again how much he pretty much hates humanity and the idea of love?

It just makes me sad when people pour out their seething bitterness and hatred as if it's something everyone wants to take part of.

I know because I've gone through times of pretending not to care either.

You're not the only one who's been hurt and rejected, it's just that not all of us express it with constant posts of "I Hate Humanity and You All Can Just Go Jump Off a Bridge and Die Because I'm Gonna Pretend I'm Above Talking to You Anyway (when really, deep down inside, I'm insecure as heck and would love to find someone to talk to.)"

 

[wisebeardman]

you think I hate people? Not true. I don't really hate anyone. I do however don't like where society in general is heading.
you think I hate "the idea of love"? I don't. I just accepted long ago it wasn't going to happen to me.
so what if I talk about things. isnt that what forums are for? expressing opinions and thoughts?

as for bitter, yeah maybe I am so what. I think with a lot of the crap I have had to put up with in my life I deserve to be a bit bitter.

I just call things as I see them. most people don't like that. but I have helped others with my thoughts and bitterness. others wish they would have listened to me in the 1st place like.. well lets just call him joe. joe got with chick, i met chick. knew right away she was a scumbag. called it out. she down right hated me. I told joe she will be like the wraith in stargate atlantis suck your life away and leave when you have nothing left. and I was right. going down the path I have went has given me a interesting perspective on things. and most of the time I am right.

 

[Stephen63]

Gee, so much for the romantic luv-at first-site thing......some of these posts are so 'calculated', it sounds down-right legalistic!
Whatever happened to the day when a person thought with their heart instead of their head?!?

So planned out.......& sooooo not working.

 

[Stephen63]

you think I hate people? Not true. I don't really hate anyone. I do however don't like where society in general is heading.
you think I hate "the idea of love"? I don't. I just accepted long ago it wasn't going to happen to me.
so what if I talk about things. isnt that what forums are for? expressing opinions and thoughts?

as for bitter, yeah maybe I am so what. I think with a lot of the crap I have had to put up with in my life I deserve to be a bit bitter.

I just call things as I see them. most people don't like that. but I have helped others with my thoughts and bitterness. others wish they would have listened to me in the 1st place like.. well lets just call him joe. joe got with chick, i met chick. knew right away she was a scumbag. called it out. she down right hated me. I told joe she will be like the wraith in stargate atlantis suck your life away and leave when you have nothing left. and I was right. going down the path I have went has given me a interesting perspective on things. and most of the time I am right.

One thing about being bitter..... when you call 'em as ya see 'em, you eventually start seeing 'em as ya call 'em. Been there, done that, watched the video.