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I thought you were in the room when I was talking to Shour about how I have a milk allergy. I guess you weren't 
but I have an allergy to lactose (which is the least severe one), casein (that's the most severe one), and whey (it's kind of in the middle). None of them are extremely severe, but milk product just doesn't sit well in my stomach. I'm much better off without it. >.<
but I have an allergy to lactose (which is the least severe one), casein (that's the most severe one), and whey (it's kind of in the middle). None of them are extremely severe, but milk product just doesn't sit well in my stomach. I'm much better off without it. >.<
I thought you were in the room when I was talking to Shour about how I have a milk allergy. I guess you weren't but I have an allergy to lactose (which is the least severe one), casein (that's the most severe one), and whey (it's kind of in the middle). None of them are extremely severe, but milk product just doesn't sit well in my stomach. I'm much better off without it. >.<
but I have an allergy to lactose (which is the least severe one), casein (that's the most severe one), and whey (it's kind of in the middle). None of them are extremely severe, but milk product just doesn't sit well in my stomach. I'm much better off without it. >.<
If you really knew me:
You would know how incredibly anxious I am in social settings—not a good trait for an extrovert.
You would know that I almost never cry for myself, but will sob over imprisoned missionaries, victims of human trafficking, and the damage my abusive marriage did to my son.
You would be amazed that I have the audacity to get up every morning, to keep struggling every day to get out of this pit.
You would know that every idea is so complicated because my left brain and right brain are ALWAYS arguing.
You would know that the fighter that I think I come across as on cc is not who I have ever wanted to be, but who I have had to become.
You would know that I wanted to grow up to be a granola-eating, baby-wearing, homeschooling stay at home mom with 5 or 6 kids.
You would know that for most of my life I was a pharisee and judged single moms, working moms, divorcees, people with debt, date-rape victims, feminists, and women who tolerated their abuse—all of which I have now become or have been.
You would know that my prayers are honest conversations with God.
You would know that my body aches for the children I will probably never bear.
You would know that I mourn the loss of my innocence that let me trust so easily and love so freely,
You would know that I am grateful EVERY DAY for the blessings of a full tank of gas, a son who is finally starting to thrive, food in the pantry, and my house that is for the first time a HOME.
You would know that Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You" is playing in my head as I am crying and typing this post during hour 4 of the waiting room at the Toyota dealership.
You would know how incredibly anxious I am in social settings—not a good trait for an extrovert.
You would know that I almost never cry for myself, but will sob over imprisoned missionaries, victims of human trafficking, and the damage my abusive marriage did to my son.
You would be amazed that I have the audacity to get up every morning, to keep struggling every day to get out of this pit.
You would know that every idea is so complicated because my left brain and right brain are ALWAYS arguing.
You would know that the fighter that I think I come across as on cc is not who I have ever wanted to be, but who I have had to become.
You would know that I wanted to grow up to be a granola-eating, baby-wearing, homeschooling stay at home mom with 5 or 6 kids.
You would know that for most of my life I was a pharisee and judged single moms, working moms, divorcees, people with debt, date-rape victims, feminists, and women who tolerated their abuse—all of which I have now become or have been.
You would know that my prayers are honest conversations with God.
You would know that my body aches for the children I will probably never bear.
You would know that I mourn the loss of my innocence that let me trust so easily and love so freely,
You would know that I am grateful EVERY DAY for the blessings of a full tank of gas, a son who is finally starting to thrive, food in the pantry, and my house that is for the first time a HOME.
You would know that Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You" is playing in my head as I am crying and typing this post during hour 4 of the waiting room at the Toyota dealership.
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U
though I may seem harsh in dealing with people it always comes from a good intent.
even though im known for being blunt at times I can also be too worried about being judged and wont speak up.
I may seem confident or even arrogant in posts, im actually quite insecure.
im also much more shy and quiet than my posts may imply.
im way less intelligent and spiritual than people assume.
I have much deeper feelings, emotions and compassion than most people, even close friends, may realize.
even though im known for being blunt at times I can also be too worried about being judged and wont speak up.
I may seem confident or even arrogant in posts, im actually quite insecure.
im also much more shy and quiet than my posts may imply.
im way less intelligent and spiritual than people assume.
I have much deeper feelings, emotions and compassion than most people, even close friends, may realize.
I'm trusting to a fault.
I'd rather be at home in my pj's than anywhere else.
I'm constantly worried that if I don't bring out my every fault that I'm being deceptive.
There are things I know I need to do but I have no motivation to do them right now.
I'd rather eat beef jerky than most other foods .. I wish I had some now.
I'd rather be at home in my pj's than anywhere else.
I'm constantly worried that if I don't bring out my every fault that I'm being deceptive.
There are things I know I need to do but I have no motivation to do them right now.
I'd rather eat beef jerky than most other foods .. I wish I had some now.
If you really knew me you'd know that...
I'm loyal as a puppy, but very easily hurt like one too.
I don't talk much but I'm always thinking about things
When I get hurt I need to shut down and disappear for a long time.
The things i think about sometimes overwhelm me and sometimes they calm me
I often open my bible while asking God to show me what He wants to say to me and I often land upon an eerily appropriate scripture.
I spend a lot of time in my car thinking, praying and talking to God.
I hope that one day I'll be surrounded by people who love me and treat me like their equal
I hope to have friends again
I miss the friends that I did have.
I'm always hoping that one day I'll meet a woman who sees the good in me and is willing to give me a chance (and who doesn't live a thousand miles away)
I'm loyal as a puppy, but very easily hurt like one too.
I don't talk much but I'm always thinking about things
When I get hurt I need to shut down and disappear for a long time.
The things i think about sometimes overwhelm me and sometimes they calm me
I often open my bible while asking God to show me what He wants to say to me and I often land upon an eerily appropriate scripture.
I spend a lot of time in my car thinking, praying and talking to God.
I hope that one day I'll be surrounded by people who love me and treat me like their equal
I hope to have friends again
I miss the friends that I did have.
I'm always hoping that one day I'll meet a woman who sees the good in me and is willing to give me a chance (and who doesn't live a thousand miles away
)
If you really knew me you'd know:
I like watching drama, but I don't like it in my life.
I love deviled eggs.
I have a special place in my heart for animals and children, stray animals and kids tend to follow me home.
I love to read, I like my Kindle but one of my favorite places in the world is a library.
I like to study history.
I love praise music. And I love teaching the Sunday school kids praise and worship music.
I love Subway and Taco Bell. I don't eat it all the time but I could. Oh an Papa John's pizza is really good too.
I love nature and enjoy spending time alone in peace outside. I love my yard and I love my privacy fence. I like to dig in dirt and plant things and grow our own veggies. I have a big bunch of strawberries and we always have tons of tomatoes.
I would rather listen than talk. I do not like to be the center of attention it makes me very uncomfortable.
I do not enjoy being around bossy pushy people.
I like watching drama, but I don't like it in my life.
I love deviled eggs.
I have a special place in my heart for animals and children, stray animals and kids tend to follow me home.
I love to read, I like my Kindle but one of my favorite places in the world is a library.
I like to study history.
I love praise music. And I love teaching the Sunday school kids praise and worship music.
I love Subway and Taco Bell. I don't eat it all the time but I could. Oh an Papa John's pizza is really good too.
I love nature and enjoy spending time alone in peace outside. I love my yard and I love my privacy fence. I like to dig in dirt and plant things and grow our own veggies. I have a big bunch of strawberries and we always have tons of tomatoes.
I would rather listen than talk. I do not like to be the center of attention it makes me very uncomfortable.
I do not enjoy being around bossy pushy people.
A
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I am very passionate about the things I love.
I like getting to know people, but I rarely ever start conversations with new people.
I am quiet and keep to myself unless I have to speak up.
I can take allot of "joking insults", because I learned as a kid to never take to heart what people say.
I don't like being put in new situations, as I don't think well or quick when either stressed or rushed.
If you really knew me, you would be one of two or three people on earth. haha
I am very passionate about the things I love.
I like getting to know people, but I rarely ever start conversations with new people.
I am quiet and keep to myself unless I have to speak up.
I can take allot of "joking insults", because I learned as a kid to never take to heart what people say.
I don't like being put in new situations, as I don't think well or quick when either stressed or rushed.
If you really knew me, you would be one of two or three people on earth. haha
I love Christmas Hymns.
I like my steak Medium Well.
I love traveling and exploring. I pick a cardinal direction and go as far as I can, until I absolutely must turn around and go home.
Its actually hard for me to answer this question because, I'm very different than I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. What I love to do, who I love and who I am are so different that I don't even know anymore.
Everything Monica said applies to me as well.
I once believed that I would travel, not to explore, but to be found. I believed that around every corner was unknown possibility and adventure. Because I believed in these things, I made them happen. I met beautiful wonderful courageous noble people who changed my life forever. But somewhere along the way I lost that sense of possibility. I lost that sense that the reward is worth the risk.
I was never the smartest, or the fastest, or the most diligent but, I was always the most willing, the most daring and now that I'm not anymore, I don't really know what I am.
I like my steak Medium Well.
I love traveling and exploring. I pick a cardinal direction and go as far as I can, until I absolutely must turn around and go home.
Its actually hard for me to answer this question because, I'm very different than I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. What I love to do, who I love and who I am are so different that I don't even know anymore.
Everything Monica said applies to me as well.
I once believed that I would travel, not to explore, but to be found. I believed that around every corner was unknown possibility and adventure. Because I believed in these things, I made them happen. I met beautiful wonderful courageous noble people who changed my life forever. But somewhere along the way I lost that sense of possibility. I lost that sense that the reward is worth the risk.
I was never the smartest, or the fastest, or the most diligent but, I was always the most willing, the most daring and now that I'm not anymore, I don't really know what I am.
D
I was speaking with an Atheist one time that was brought up strictly Catholic. We were just having a back and forth about theology in general and I said something about the Sabbath actually being Saturday because he mentioned the Sabbath was Sunday.
The atheist said "I was always told it was Sunday....perhaps it was a MASS delusion? Get it? MASS DELUSION?" and he starts cackling like a hyena. lol
The atheist said "I was always told it was Sunday....perhaps it was a MASS delusion? Get it? MASS DELUSION?" and he starts cackling like a hyena. lol
If You Really Knew Me:
* You would think that I am at least two different people. You know how some comedians make you laugh 'til your sides hurt and then you find out in real life, they're struggling with repeated suicide attempts? That would be me. There are days when even the household cleaners in my cabinet become a temptation. I only show the side that makes people laugh, of course, because that's what most people want to see. I am blessed to have a few friends who accept both sides, but they are far away and I wish I could be the whole me around more people. I'm never dishonest about who I am. But when I let "the other side" slip out, most people ignore or threaten that part. I'm not afraid of the rejection, just the loneliness. And I understand very well about feeling completely alone in a room full of people. Because of my own struggles, I have a deep concern for other people living with depression and suicidal thoughts.
* I usually wind up listening more than talking in chat and real life, but sometimes I wish someone would ask me what's on my mind and be able to handle my answers. (This is why I write threads--people have the option of "listening" or not, and as you can tell, I usually have a lot on my mind.) I let the more dominant people talk because I want to be known as someone who might not speak as often as others, but hopefully is seen as having an impact when she does speak.
* You would find out that one of my very best friends whom I've been friends with for over a decade is someone incarcerated. In the whole time we've known each other, we have never spent a single day, hour, or minute together outside a prison visiting room. God can use anyone, in any situation, to touch our lives.
* I always seem to go in phases and extremes. I'll watch movies for an entire weekend, every weekend for a month straight... and then never watch another movie for 6 months. I'll be gone every free day I have for 6 weeks... and then spend all my other days off for a month never leaving the house. I'll workout every day for 2 weeks... and then do nothing but surf the internet, read, and write letters for the next month.
* Sadly, I've lost all my other ambitions in life except to travel, experience, learn, and explore. I've lost my taste for everything else in this life except freedom.
* Bright colors make me happy. My parents can decorate everything in 50 Shades of Brown but not me!! I am a Color Rebel. Though my clothes are fairly toned down, I do admit to recently buying a pair of sneakers that are neon pink, yellow, and turquoise (yes, all at the same time) and have bright neon green laces. I realize these are the kinds of shoes 15-year-olds are wearing but I don't care. I am currently decorating my place with colors such as 3 different shades of blue (sapphire, sky, and robin's egg), seafoam, bright cherry red, deep lavender, and teal. An even better idea is to have a child color a brightly-colored picture for you to hang on your walls or fridge--double happiness!
* Because I am not married and never had kids, I often feel as if I never grew up and am in a perpetual state of "in-between-ed-ness." I dream of meeting someone who is like me... I often feel like the lost puzzle piece that never found the right puzzle it belongs to. I would love to meet another "puzzle piece" who "doesn't fit" into their current environment... because the puzzle we both belong to and will fit into is within the life God has for us together.
* The most beautiful thing in the world to me is when I can just given someone an outlet to vent with, say something to make them laugh, or give them a hug and they say, "I feel better now." That makes everything else in life worth it.
* Many, many years ago, I had a dream about a guy (I didn't see his face--I don't know what he looks like) who had a drumstick in his hand. He went to the edge of a river, touched the water with his drumstick, and the water split in two (yes, just like Moses and the Red Sea.) This guy then crossed through to other side on dry land and when he reached the other side, God told him that all his life, he would march to the beat of a different drum, and that this "different beat" he would march to was God's Own Heartbeat.
In my dream, God then gave him the other drumstick to match the one he already had... And the other drumstick was me.
I don't know if this dream was from God or not (maybe it was just a bad piece of pizza?), but yes, I've often wondered if this guy exists... and if I'll really meet him.
* You would think that I am at least two different people. You know how some comedians make you laugh 'til your sides hurt and then you find out in real life, they're struggling with repeated suicide attempts? That would be me. There are days when even the household cleaners in my cabinet become a temptation. I only show the side that makes people laugh, of course, because that's what most people want to see. I am blessed to have a few friends who accept both sides, but they are far away and I wish I could be the whole me around more people. I'm never dishonest about who I am. But when I let "the other side" slip out, most people ignore or threaten that part. I'm not afraid of the rejection, just the loneliness. And I understand very well about feeling completely alone in a room full of people. Because of my own struggles, I have a deep concern for other people living with depression and suicidal thoughts.
* I usually wind up listening more than talking in chat and real life, but sometimes I wish someone would ask me what's on my mind and be able to handle my answers. (This is why I write threads--people have the option of "listening" or not
, and as you can tell, I usually have a lot on my mind.) I let the more dominant people talk because I want to be known as someone who might not speak as often as others, but hopefully is seen as having an impact when she does speak. * You would find out that one of my very best friends whom I've been friends with for over a decade is someone incarcerated. In the whole time we've known each other, we have never spent a single day, hour, or minute together outside a prison visiting room. God can use anyone, in any situation, to touch our lives.
* I always seem to go in phases and extremes. I'll watch movies for an entire weekend, every weekend for a month straight... and then never watch another movie for 6 months. I'll be gone every free day I have for 6 weeks... and then spend all my other days off for a month never leaving the house. I'll workout every day for 2 weeks... and then do nothing but surf the internet, read, and write letters for the next month.
* Sadly, I've lost all my other ambitions in life except to travel, experience, learn, and explore. I've lost my taste for everything else in this life except freedom.
* Bright colors make me happy. My parents can decorate everything in 50 Shades of Brown but not me!! I am a Color Rebel. Though my clothes are fairly toned down, I do admit to recently buying a pair of sneakers that are neon pink, yellow, and turquoise (yes, all at the same time) and have bright neon green laces. I realize these are the kinds of shoes 15-year-olds are wearing but I don't care.
I am currently decorating my place with colors such as 3 different shades of blue (sapphire, sky, and robin's egg), seafoam, bright cherry red, deep lavender, and teal. An even better idea is to have a child color a brightly-colored picture for you to hang on your walls or fridge--double happiness! * Because I am not married and never had kids, I often feel as if I never grew up and am in a perpetual state of "in-between-ed-ness." I dream of meeting someone who is like me... I often feel like the lost puzzle piece that never found the right puzzle it belongs to. I would love to meet another "puzzle piece" who "doesn't fit" into their current environment... because the puzzle we both belong to and will fit into is within the life God has for us together.
* The most beautiful thing in the world to me is when I can just given someone an outlet to vent with, say something to make them laugh, or give them a hug and they say, "I feel better now." That makes everything else in life worth it.
* Many, many years ago, I had a dream about a guy (I didn't see his face--I don't know what he looks like) who had a drumstick in his hand. He went to the edge of a river, touched the water with his drumstick, and the water split in two (yes, just like Moses and the Red Sea.) This guy then crossed through to other side on dry land and when he reached the other side, God told him that all his life, he would march to the beat of a different drum, and that this "different beat" he would march to was God's Own Heartbeat.
In my dream, God then gave him the other drumstick to match the one he already had... And the other drumstick was me.
I don't know if this dream was from God or not (maybe it was just a bad piece of pizza?), but yes, I've often wondered if this guy exists... and if I'll really meet him.
I
IYRKM you'd know...
That I rarely have dreams & if I do and I remember them they are usually very intense. So much so that it sometimes takes me half of the day to really stop feeling like the dream was real,and usually these are bad dreams,rarely good ones.
I also have never dreamed in anything but color. I have met a ton of people that say they dream in black & white,and I sort of look at them like they must be crazy.
That I only have a G.E.D. and dropped out of school when I was 15 (end of 10th grade) By law at the time I had to wait until I was 16 to take the test. I purchased a book to study for the test but only opened it once. Took the test,and somehow by the grace of God I practically aced it. I had the opportunity to go to college,and would have had 3 courses for free because my step father was a teacher there,but I was so hell bent on my musical career that I never thought I'd need a "real" education.
People think I am smarter than I am. I think I'm extremely stupid to be honest. If I'd felt I was smarter or had the discipline I would have studied to become a surgeon because the thing's that gross most people out don't even phase me.
People assume that I like being the center of attention because I like to joke around & make other's smile or laugh. Truth be told,I'd much rather not be the focal point of anything. (which is one reason I never did drum solo's when I played out live & only did them during band practice or if a few friends wanted to see how something was done in a song)
When I say I'm going to do something or make a promise to someone I will go to great lengths to keep my word,and if something beyond my control interferes with that,it angers me so much because I feel like I've let someone down,and it makes me appear to be untrustworthy.
When I tell someone that I love them. I mean it. Period. If it's someone I am "in love" with...then I love them so deeply and so unconditionally that some would say it's almost blind & to a fault.
There were times in the past few years that nightly when I closed my eyes to go to sleep the last thoughts or words to God were "Please just take me,let me die in my sleep. I have no desire to continue living,and I don't even care where I end up...just make this nightmare that is my life end."
Thankfully,I don't feel like that anymore.
I would go through all of the heartache,pain & sorrow,sickness & material loss again that I had the past few years,if it still led me to meeting,loving & knowing the best friend I've ever had.
That I rarely have dreams & if I do and I remember them they are usually very intense. So much so that it sometimes takes me half of the day to really stop feeling like the dream was real,and usually these are bad dreams,rarely good ones.
I also have never dreamed in anything but color. I have met a ton of people that say they dream in black & white,and I sort of look at them like they must be crazy.
That I only have a G.E.D. and dropped out of school when I was 15 (end of 10th grade) By law at the time I had to wait until I was 16 to take the test. I purchased a book to study for the test but only opened it once. Took the test,and somehow by the grace of God I practically aced it. I had the opportunity to go to college,and would have had 3 courses for free because my step father was a teacher there,but I was so hell bent on my musical career that I never thought I'd need a "real" education.
People think I am smarter than I am. I think I'm extremely stupid to be honest. If I'd felt I was smarter or had the discipline I would have studied to become a surgeon because the thing's that gross most people out don't even phase me.
People assume that I like being the center of attention because I like to joke around & make other's smile or laugh. Truth be told,I'd much rather not be the focal point of anything. (which is one reason I never did drum solo's when I played out live & only did them during band practice or if a few friends wanted to see how something was done in a song)
When I say I'm going to do something or make a promise to someone I will go to great lengths to keep my word,and if something beyond my control interferes with that,it angers me so much because I feel like I've let someone down,and it makes me appear to be untrustworthy.
When I tell someone that I love them. I mean it. Period. If it's someone I am "in love" with...then I love them so deeply and so unconditionally that some would say it's almost blind & to a fault.
There were times in the past few years that nightly when I closed my eyes to go to sleep the last thoughts or words to God were "Please just take me,let me die in my sleep. I have no desire to continue living,and I don't even care where I end up...just make this nightmare that is my life end."
Thankfully,I don't feel like that anymore.
I would go through all of the heartache,pain & sorrow,sickness & material loss again that I had the past few years,if it still led me to meeting,loving & knowing the best friend I've ever had.
I am a huge coward.
I believe myself to be unworthy of just about everything.
My heart breaks for most situations and the pain that people are in.
When my mother dies I will be completely alone in this world, and that terrifies me.
I had an infectious disease about 6 years ago that changed my DNA. The disease is no longer active, but because I was sick for so long, I'm now unable to do things I thought I'd be able to do.
I think that anyone who loves me will leave once they figure out who I actually am. It seems to take about 18 months.
I stay away from people because it feels like I just can't take any more pain and rejection.
I rarely let myself feel the gravity of the pain I'm actually in.
I believe that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me because my own father couldn't love me. Technically, he's a diagnosed sociopath, and I know from my schooling/training that he isn't capable of love. Nonetheless, he still refused to love me. My head and my heart fight about his often.
The whole time I've been typing this I've wanted to delete it. Who knows? Maybe I will.
I believe that me writing about relationships and love will have to be enough for me. I was told as a little girl that I couldn't count on a man ever loving me, and as y'all can see, I realize why it was said to me. And it's okay. It has to be.
I'm kind of a slob.
I'm in a mild panicked state because telling y'all this stuff will change things. It always does.
I believe myself to be unworthy of just about everything.
My heart breaks for most situations and the pain that people are in.
When my mother dies I will be completely alone in this world, and that terrifies me.
I had an infectious disease about 6 years ago that changed my DNA. The disease is no longer active, but because I was sick for so long, I'm now unable to do things I thought I'd be able to do.
I think that anyone who loves me will leave once they figure out who I actually am. It seems to take about 18 months.
I stay away from people because it feels like I just can't take any more pain and rejection.
I rarely let myself feel the gravity of the pain I'm actually in.
I believe that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me because my own father couldn't love me. Technically, he's a diagnosed sociopath, and I know from my schooling/training that he isn't capable of love. Nonetheless, he still refused to love me. My head and my heart fight about his often.
The whole time I've been typing this I've wanted to delete it. Who knows? Maybe I will.
I believe that me writing about relationships and love will have to be enough for me. I was told as a little girl that I couldn't count on a man ever loving me, and as y'all can see, I realize why it was said to me. And it's okay. It has to be.
I'm kind of a slob.
I'm in a mild panicked state because telling y'all this stuff will change things. It always does.