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Im struggling. I have walked with God my whole life and remember 2 times getting mad at God. One time when my mom was dieing when I was a teenager and the 2nd time was when my ex husband cheated and left me. Though I didnt get really mad at God for the 2nd one, because I knew my husband made that choice, but was upset, because we waited till marriage and did it the right way and I still felt like I got screwed over. So that bring us to today. Last August, I was fine and content in life, not even looking for a man. Low and behold, this man walks in my life. I was NOT looking for him nor ready to be with him. I didnt even pray about it because to me it wasnt an option. I hung out with him, got to know him and he wanted to see if things could work out with us and he asked me to pray about it, for God to either open or close the door. I agreed and the next morning woke up and prayed for the situation to either happen or not, but I was allowing God to handle it, pretty much. That morning, just a few hours later, I was at work and my friend texted me, who never saw or heard me talk about him, other than us going on dates and hanging out, said.....I dont know what it is about that Brian guy, but I think your going to marry him......later she told me that God laid on her heart that this was the last guy I was going to date and that we were going to have children.
Whats weird is God started to tear down walls that I had built up from the pain I had gone through, and I was slowly building them back up, but God was tearing them down faster. I remember before this guy walked into my life, I was praying for the next guy that I get into a relationship with is the next guy I marry. About a week later into the relationship, I felt God tugging at my heart again, this time he reminded me a list I made after my husband left me, of what I want my next husband to be, The first day I ignored it and the next day while sitting with my friend at dinner, I pulled it out of my purse that has been traveling with me for 3 years that I forgot I had, and handed it to her to read. Each time she read one, she would say his name after because he was everything off that list, but one thing, which there were about 30 of them on there. I even had added 3 more in my head, which was weird, because I wanted to marry a guy named Brian Adam, and his name was Brian Allen...... Later that day, I met up with him and I handed him the list and walked away. He laughed and said where are you going, and I said, just read the list. After he read the list, he smiled and handed it back to me. Later he told me, thats the night GOd told him I was the one for him, and if i look back, I can see how God was telling me he was the one for me, because I was in denial and thats why I walked away.
All the pieces started to fall together. We started praying together and praying for each other and I prayed for a month before saying yes, because I knew that was going to be it and i wanted to make sure this was the man God had for me. So skipping forward, We arnt together right now. We had alot of issues in our relationship, I brought alot of baggage over and needed to work on me alot, which I knew I struggled with. Im going to therapy, with my past hurts, but in a way I feel like God has lied to me. This guy dosent talk to me and dont want to talk to me, but even my relationship with God is very rocky and I hate it. I dont blame God for Brian walking away, but I know what I felt, and everytime I prayed and asked God if this is my husband, I hear and heard YES. I know God can do anything, but sometimes I do question if I want to be with a man who leaves. He says he is working on himself and Gods relationship, but I wonder if that was just a cop out to get out of this relationship. I guess im struggling with why GOd would tell me something and now it looks like its not happening. I would of never gotten into this relationship, for this to happen.........
Whats weird is God started to tear down walls that I had built up from the pain I had gone through, and I was slowly building them back up, but God was tearing them down faster. I remember before this guy walked into my life, I was praying for the next guy that I get into a relationship with is the next guy I marry. About a week later into the relationship, I felt God tugging at my heart again, this time he reminded me a list I made after my husband left me, of what I want my next husband to be, The first day I ignored it and the next day while sitting with my friend at dinner, I pulled it out of my purse that has been traveling with me for 3 years that I forgot I had, and handed it to her to read. Each time she read one, she would say his name after because he was everything off that list, but one thing, which there were about 30 of them on there. I even had added 3 more in my head, which was weird, because I wanted to marry a guy named Brian Adam, and his name was Brian Allen...... Later that day, I met up with him and I handed him the list and walked away. He laughed and said where are you going, and I said, just read the list. After he read the list, he smiled and handed it back to me. Later he told me, thats the night GOd told him I was the one for him, and if i look back, I can see how God was telling me he was the one for me, because I was in denial and thats why I walked away.
All the pieces started to fall together. We started praying together and praying for each other and I prayed for a month before saying yes, because I knew that was going to be it and i wanted to make sure this was the man God had for me. So skipping forward, We arnt together right now. We had alot of issues in our relationship, I brought alot of baggage over and needed to work on me alot, which I knew I struggled with. Im going to therapy, with my past hurts, but in a way I feel like God has lied to me. This guy dosent talk to me and dont want to talk to me, but even my relationship with God is very rocky and I hate it. I dont blame God for Brian walking away, but I know what I felt, and everytime I prayed and asked God if this is my husband, I hear and heard YES. I know God can do anything, but sometimes I do question if I want to be with a man who leaves. He says he is working on himself and Gods relationship, but I wonder if that was just a cop out to get out of this relationship. I guess im struggling with why GOd would tell me something and now it looks like its not happening. I would of never gotten into this relationship, for this to happen.........