Toxic Family

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S

snowhite

Guest
#1
#1
How do I deal with my toxic family. One of my sisters is toxic and causes problems all the time. My Father gave me & my other sister an ultimatum that if we carry on contact with her that it would end our relationship with him. How can I honor my Father when he acts like this? I'm at a loss, everyone says that you should stay close to your family no matter what but I'm going insane with the constant drama. I pray, and get peace from Jesus but they just keep dragging me back down into their toxic lives. Is it ok to cut them off?
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#2
#2
Would you like to hear my toxic family story? maybe it might shed some light on yours
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#4
#4
Maybe thats not a good place to start. Family dynamics are so hard. Especially when there are less than humble people involved. Sometimes our family members really have no idea that their actions could possibly be hurtful.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#5
#5
Ok. I'll try to keep it short. My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. Shortly thereafter, I moved in with my dad. Fast forward to me being a 40 year old man and it is revealed that all those years my mom held that against me. She took it as a rejection of her. In 2009 my wife began divorce proceedings against me. Keep in mind that we at the time had a 2 1/2 year old. My soon to be ex began a war of scorched earth policy. Spreading lies like I was abusive etc. Today, my family has her over for family gatherings and thinks I am the bad guy for not wanting to attend. It was so absolutely heart wrenching for me for so long, but as I have remained steadfast in my relationship with Jesus he is healing me.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#6
#6
It is so hard to not get wrapped up in the emotions of the rejection that you feel...but I promise you that it gets better when you can start to take the high road in all your interactions with them. I would seriously suggest you find a good biblically based counseler to help you thru this.
 
S

snowhite

Guest
#7
#7
Sirk said:
Maybe thats not a good place to start. Family dynamics are so hard. Especially when there are less than humble people involved. Sometimes our family members really have no idea that their actions could possibly be hurtful.
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My fathers actions have caused me grief like I have not felt for years. It's like everything from my childhood and early adulthood has come to this surface again. I can't keep reliving this over and over again. I'm praying that God gives me the strength to be able to cut him off from me emotionally so that it is his issue, not mine. It is so hard to do this though as I am a very emotional person.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#8
#8
snowhite said:
My fathers actions have caused me grief like I have not felt for years. It's like everything from my childhood and early adulthood has come to this surface again. I can't keep reliving this over and over again. I'm praying that God gives me the strength to be able to cut him off from me emotionally so that it is his issue, not mine. It is so hard to do this though as I am a very emotional person.
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Henry Cloud has a great book called... "Unlocking your family patterns". I would suggest you get it and read it as it will help you understand how you participate in the circus and help you to change to healthy way of dealing with an unhealthy situation.
 
S

snowhite

Guest
#9
#9
Sirk said:
Henry Cloud has a great book called... "Unlocking your family patterns". I would suggest you get it and read it as it will help you understand how you participate in the circus and help you to change to healthy way of dealing with an unhealthy situation.
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Thanks I'll look it up.
 
I

isoneedahug

Guest
#10
#10
If a family member compromises your walk with Jesus and makes you backslide or stumble through repeated provocation, if your relationship to them becomes dangerous to your relationship to Christ, and if no amount of prayer and extending peace has changed the situation, i would strongly advise you to cut off contact and put the priority on your vital space as a christian.

It can become sin if we persist on keeping people in our lives that are dragging us into what God is trying to cleanse us from. It becomes idolatry and disobedience. I kindly remind you that not one of them has given their blood and life for your salvation :)

I do understand this can create emotional pain and i'm not minimizing it, but the Lord is able to fill that void and give you a better life. Nothing stops you from interceding for your sister from afar... God bless.
 
J

jogoldie

Senior Member
#11
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#11
I would never presume to answer that question........but what I can say is......I would never let anyone keep me from
my walk with God....the most you can do is pray for them.....plant the seed and just keep praying for them....
God tells us to honor our parents.......I dont think that means accepting the wrong behavior....I walked away from
my family years ago and at times I question my decision.... I never regret it.... I didnt have the strength to leave
them till my mother passed away....she was a magnificent woman.....but my father and I never learn to love one
another.....my sisters turned from me and that was painful....but it seemed necessary to go....
I have made my own family and we are small but mighty....what I dreamed a family should be.....
we lift each other when we fall and accept each other for who they are.....keeps me able to focus on my walk....
I wouldnt have it any other way.. . I will pray for you and your family and hope you find your answer from God.....
Peace and joy to you my sister in Christ.......
 
S

snowhite

Guest
#12
#12
Sirk said:
Ok. I'll try to keep it short. My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. Shortly thereafter, I moved in with my dad. Fast forward to me being a 40 year old man and it is revealed that all those years my mom held that against me. She took it as a rejection of her. In 2009 my wife began divorce proceedings against me. Keep in mind that we at the time had a 2 1/2 year old. My soon to be ex began a war of scorched earth policy. Spreading lies like I was abusive etc. Today, my family has her over for family gatherings and thinks I am the bad guy for not wanting to attend. It was so absolutely heart wrenching for me for so long, but as I have remained steadfast in my relationship with Jesus he is healing me.[/QUOTE
Life's little challenges aye. I'm extremely blessed in the fact that I have the best husband and 3 great children. I have made a conscious effort to not repeat my families bad behaviour. I hope things get easier for you.
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S

Sirk

Guest
#13
#13
snowhite said:
Sirk said:
Ok. I'll try to keep it short. My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. Shortly thereafter, I moved in with my dad. Fast forward to me being a 40 year old man and it is revealed that all those years my mom held that against me. She took it as a rejection of her. In 2009 my wife began divorce proceedings against me. Keep in mind that we at the time had a 2 1/2 year old. My soon to be ex began a war of scorched earth policy. Spreading lies like I was abusive etc. Today, my family has her over for family gatherings and thinks I am the bad guy for not wanting to attend. It was so absolutely heart wrenching for me for so long, but as I have remained steadfast in my relationship with Jesus he is healing me.[/QUOTE
Life's little challenges aye. I'm extremely blessed in the fact that I have the best husband and 3 great children. I have made a conscious effort to not repeat my families bad behaviour. I hope things get easier for you.
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Thank you. I also have a great Godly woman who is my wife. We have had so many challenges but He always works in our best interest if we let Him.
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tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#14
Mar 13, 2014
42,717
17,176
113
70
Tennessee
#14
I have found that real close-knit families can hinder long-term spiritual growth and maturity. It is best to live a distance while at the same time stay close as possible without being dragged in the drama. I am all set with the drama part.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#15
Mar 13, 2014
42,717
17,176
113
70
Tennessee
#15
Sirk said:
Ok. I'll try to keep it short. My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. Shortly thereafter, I moved in with my dad. Fast forward to me being a 40 year old man and it is revealed that all those years my mom held that against me. She took it as a rejection of her. In 2009 my wife began divorce proceedings against me. Keep in mind that we at the time had a 2 1/2 year old. My soon to be ex began a war of scorched earth policy. Spreading lies like I was abusive etc. Today, my family has her over for family gatherings and thinks I am the bad guy for not wanting to attend. It was so absolutely heart wrenching for me for so long, but as I have remained steadfast in my relationship with Jesus he is healing me.
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I have my own horror story also. Years ago, ex-wife - very bad. My little baby girl caught in the middle. It was like a war zone. God finally delivered me from years of physical and mental abuse.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#16
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#16
You are brave, Snowwhite!

Well, allow me to show how I see it (because we humans are seen same way, as toxic, from other´s side).

Any time, your Dad would pass away and, the blood is nothing compared to real friendship bonds, no matter what your dad might say. Do you love the others as yourself? If so, you are honoring GOD, not the world an its limits.

Al tend to be troublemakers and seldom we are trobleshooters: Where are you in that? Solving or messing thigs up? (I guess in the right WAY: Jesus).

Your are not going insane, that´s another insanity. If you are strong enough, you can dealt with that (and more) but, what are you seeking there? Will you keep it up, once you got it? (Just your decision).

I have heard of families like that. Mine is not that sort and, as far as I remember, I was the toxic part (and I know my limitations) and, since I still serving some of my family, I´m not so poisonous (as I was, in my childhood) so I guess you would succeed if you willingly wnat to lease your loving drives and family bonds: Just follow Jesus.

Jesus had toxic brothers. They disbelived Him and wnated to hurt Him (read His account and sayings in) (*) so, any day, you would enjoy the good deeds you could plan for those you like.

(*)

Joh 7:3 So Jesus' brothers told him, "Leave this place, and go to Judea so that your disciples can see the things that you're doing.
Joh 7:4 No one does things secretly when he wants to be known publicly. If you do these things, you should let the world see you."
Joh 7:5 Even his brothers didn't believe in him.
Joh 7:6 Jesus told them, "Now is not the right time for me to go. Any time is right for you.


:)
 
S

snowhite

Guest
#17
#17
I just got told by my sister that my Stepfather has organised a surprise 60th party for my mother next Saturday (17th) and am I coming because she only turns 60 once. I live in Australia and they all live in New Zealand. It's not like I can just pop over for the weekend! This is the first I've heard of it and he hadn't even bothered to invite me. Am I wrong to be upset?
 
J

jogoldie

Senior Member
#18
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#18
You have every reason to be upset......but if you go make sure your light is shining ......smile and remember why you came...
dont hold grudges.....let God deal with them....pray before you go...ask for patience and strength against the devil
and his tricks.....enjoy your mother she deserves a good day with all her children......and have a good time...
Must be incredible there where you live....I so could live there.......
Im praying for you .....
 
S

snowhite

Guest
#19
#19
jogoldie said:
I would never presume to answer that question........but what I can say is......I would never let anyone keep me from
my walk with God....the most you can do is pray for them.....plant the seed and just keep praying for them....
God tells us to honor our parents.......I dont think that means accepting the wrong behavior....I walked away from
my family years ago and at times I question my decision.... I never regret it.... I didnt have the strength to leave
them till my mother passed away....she was a magnificent woman.....but my father and I never learn to love one
another.....my sisters turned from me and that was painful....but it seemed necessary to go....
I have made my own family and we are small but mighty....what I dreamed a family should be.....
we lift each other when we fall and accept each other for who they are.....keeps me able to focus on my walk....
I wouldnt have it any other way.. . I will pray for you and your family and hope you find your answer from God.....
Peace and joy to you my sister in Christ.......
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Thank you for your words. It makes a difference hearing other peoples stories to know I'm not the only one with a messed up family. I was never physically abused but the emotional abuse has been quite detrimental. My parents stayed together until I was in my 20's I wanted them to divorce when I was 8. Unfortunately they stayed together and the damage was done. I haven't lived near them for over 20 years now but there is the phone and internet which they use to bring me into the drama. I won't move back to my home country because of them. I have my own family now, and God has blessed me with the ability to raise my kids in a loving environment so the cycle can be broken. Like you said "we are small but mighty" and how a family should be. My husband keeps telling me to focus on that, that they need me and they love me. I try but the toxic family is like a vine smothering you, you try to cut it back but it just grows more vigorously. Sucking the life out if you. Sorry for the rant, I just need to vent I think.
 
B

biscuit

Guest
#20
#20
snowhite said:
How do I deal with my toxic family. One of my sisters is toxic and causes problems all the time. My Father gave me & my other sister an ultimatum that if we carry on contact with her that it would end our relationship with him. How can I honor my Father when he acts like this? I'm at a loss, everyone says that you should stay close to your family no matter what but I'm going insane with the constant drama. I pray, and get peace from Jesus but they just keep dragging me back down into their toxic lives. Is it ok to cut them off?
Click to expand...
Leave the hornet nest and move out. I left the hornet nest 40 years ago and it is one of the best moves I ever made.
 
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