Boyfriend as roommate?

[breno785au]

After a few months of dating long-distance, I'm planning/hoping to move to the city where my boyfriend is located. I am not 100% decided yet, but leaning toward it and have a few job offers. It would be difficult for him to move here as it's way more expensive and his field of work doesn't pay well at all out here. I've been looking for apartments in his city and found a few somewhat dodgy ones, but a bunch of two-bedrooms that would be great if I found a roommate. He has suggested sharing a 2br townhouse or apartment with a signed roommate agreement; we'd split the rent, chores, etc. It's cheaper for us that way, of course. I know there's the issue of temptation, accountability, the type of witness it would be... but that is possible even without being roommates. I just wanted to get you guys' thoughts, backed by scripture, on how - or whether - to go about this. Please be nice; bashing me won't really help much. God bless.

Very unwise decision. I'm not going to back anything up by scripture..how about Holy Spirit? He's a darn good source of conviction of sin

 

[SweetShelly35]

Having a live in partner or boyfriend roommate is never a good idea. It is not good to invite temptation into your life. I understand that it is more cost effective for you, but this will cost you in so many other negative ways.

 

[JesusLives]

After a few months of dating long-distance, I'm planning/hoping to move to the city where my boyfriend is located. I am not 100% decided yet, but leaning toward it and have a few job offers. It would be difficult for him to move here as it's way more expensive and his field of work doesn't pay well at all out here. I've been looking for apartments in his city and found a few somewhat dodgy ones, but a bunch of two-bedrooms that would be great if I found a roommate. He has suggested sharing a 2br townhouse or apartment with a signed roommate agreement; we'd split the rent, chores, etc. It's cheaper for us that way, of course. I know there's the issue of temptation, accountability, the type of witness it would be... but that is possible even without being roommates. I just wanted to get you guys' thoughts, backed by scripture, on how - or whether - to go about this. Please be nice; bashing me won't really help much. God bless.

Pretend that Jesus is standing in front of you and you just asked His opinion of this face to face - what did He tell you? Do you still think it is an o.k. thing to do?

 

[kipusa12]

Yes, guys, $450 a month. He lives in the midwest. There literally are decent, 700 sqft apartments in fairly safe neighborhoods in that price range. The safer areas are about $600 and a luxury apartment is $800! For me the east coast that is beyond cheap, especially if I'll be making about the same amount of money.

You know the big issue now? it's the extent to which your bf actually wants to live a life of daily Bible reading and prayer, in communion with the Lord Jesus.

If he really wants to do this - and to spend his life with you as you both share in these precious, prayerful and Scripture reading activities - he won't just get a bed delivered: he'll offer you a ring.

I cried laughing at this. But it's true.

I can't see anything wrong with this as long as your boyfriend is a good, loyal, and honorable man and intends to marry you proper (am assuming as young folk like myself you both simply need more money to smoothe out the formalities). Also I suppose some sort of parental consent/knowledge would be necessary before such a move too. Essentially moving in with eachother is starting a family is it not?

My parents know about the move and have invited him over so they can "scrutinize" him before I leave. (It's a little irritating, since I'm 29, but I realized that before I become a wife, my primary honor and submission on earth is to my parents). When we had the discussion we knew that his reaction to the suggestion alone would say a lot about him. I thought he would refuse to do it but he was actually quite agreeable and is going to confirm his visit date later on this week. Also, we have discussed marriage and are heading in that direction. I would prefer a proposal first before I move, ideally. It's been almost a year. But the distance really sucks , especially with everyone in my ear about how you can't really get to know a person from afar, etc. But not honoring God is worse .

 

[kipusa12]

Pretend that Jesus is standing in front of you and you just asked His opinion of this face to face - what did He tell you? Do you still think it is an o.k. thing to do?

Well, the reason I asked this question here is because I actually thought it would be an okay thing to do, which freaked me out because I thought I was backsliding. So yeah... that strategy didn't work... I decided to go for the "in a multitude of counselors there is safety" strategy.

 

[kipusa12]

If you feel like your relationship is heading toward marriage, there's nothing wrong with moving to his area and setting up your own residence while you get to know each other better. Just make sure that you'll be able to completely support yourself on your own, so that you won't ever be in a position of needing to rely on him (aka move in together to save money).

Yes, I do have job offers and would be able to, if I find a place. I'm willing to do a hotel until I do. I am also aware that this could go in any direction, so my life cannot revolve around him.

 

[tourist]

Yes, I do have job offers and would be able to, if I find a place. I'm willing to do a hotel until I do. I am also aware that this could go in any direction, so my life cannot revolve around him.

I believe that you have had the answer in your heart all along. Just go with the flow on this river, check with your Navigator, and use the paddle that will be provided. Safe Passage.

 

[kipusa12]

I believe that you have had the answer in your heart all along. Just go with the flow on this river, check with your Navigator, and use the paddle that will be provided. Safe Passage.

Thank you, tourist.
Thanks so much, everyone.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Yes, guys, $450 a month. He lives in the midwest. There literally are decent, 700 sqft apartments in fairly safe neighborhoods in that price range. The safer areas are about $600 and a luxury apartment is $800! For me the east coast that is beyond cheap, especially if I'll be making about the same amount of money.



I cried laughing at this. But it's true.



My parents know about the move and have invited him over so they can "scrutinize" him before I leave. (It's a little irritating, since I'm 29, but I realized that before I become a wife, my primary honor and submission on earth is to my parents). When we had the discussion we knew that his reaction to the suggestion alone would say a lot about him. I thought he would refuse to do it but he was actually quite agreeable and is going to confirm his visit date later on this week. Also, we have discussed marriage and are heading in that direction. I would prefer a proposal first before I move, ideally. It's been almost a year. But the distance really sucks , especially with everyone in my ear about how you can't really get to know a person from afar, etc. But not honoring God is worse .

You seem like a good girl to me, which is why I see nothing wrong at face value in this so long as the guy, whom I do not know, also is of like mind and committment to you and to God.

I think though right here where you say your parents would like to meet the man first to scrutinize him for themselves, I think that's the best logical next step for your relationship. Heh I understand the somewhat annoyance factor, but indeed you are good girl because you care about your parents and your parents care about you, so their say should take pre-eminence over anything I could tell you. And aye I would hope he propose before the move too since that is what I would want to do if I were in such a position. It is mostly because I cannot perceive this man's heart that I'd say there is some doubt here. But that's where you parents come in, they know you more and love you more than anyone on this website trully, so surely their opinion is the most worthy of opinions.

So my final say on this topic be, indeed have this young man come meet your parents then whatever your parents deem fit with this situation make that your decision.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I think it's an interesting question because waaaay back in the day, like ancient Israeli times. People didn't really court the way we do now. There was no long periods of dating generally (I know, maybe an exception or two where they had to wait a loooong time before they could actually marry).....you just spoke with someone a few times, spoke with their parents, made a vow, you kept it, you had children, and you made it work.

Most people would call it foolish to marry without knowing someone for a long period of time these days, and people will call it sinful to move in together before hand and try to see if they can get along first. So how do you win there? What is the ideal situation? What about two poor people that are busting their tails off to survive, moving in together enables them to actually be able to eat well and get out of debt, but they aren't sure they want to marry.....That's sinful by most people's definition.

I'm not saying one way or the other is good, but someone please explain to me how it's "supposed" to work.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Most people would call it foolish to marry without knowing someone for a long period of time these days, and people will call it sinful to move in together before hand and try to see if they can get along first. So how do you win there? What is the ideal situation? What about two poor people that are busting their tails off to survive, moving in together enables them to actually be able to eat well and get out of debt, but they aren't sure they want to marry.....That's sinful by most people's definition.

I'm not saying one way or the other is good, but someone please explain to me how it's "supposed" to work.

I'd say if it has to be one or the other, then make the commitment and get married. "Trying out" a marriage before actually marrying is a bad idea. If you aren't sure you want to marry, you shouldn't be having sex, right?

If you are talking about moving in together but abstaining from sex, please see my first post in this thread.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I'd say if it has to be one or the other, then make the commitment and get married. "Trying out" a marriage before actually marrying is a bad idea. If you aren't sure you want to marry, you shouldn't be having sex, right?

If you are talking about moving in together but abstaining from sex, please see my first post in this thread.

I read what you posted.

I'm eliminating sex from the equation altogether. Lets just not even think about sex or bring it up yet, and 100% assume there is no sex. It's STILL considered sinful to live together if your speaking in Christianese (I made that word up, but we all speak it I think....lol). It's just the fact that your living together out of wedlock, all sex eliminated from thought.

But like you said, even if your not doing that....people are still going to say it (That's not going to make it true, but it's going to be an accusation and the grapevine will be buzzing about it.)


I'm thinking about it this way. You have two people with low class incomes, not enough money to save, they are in the hole every month and it's unsustainable for them to live by themselves indefinitely. They can both get their heads above water slowly if they pool their resources and room up, but that's sinful. They don't want to marry because they think it's too soon but they really like each other.

So basically, these people either have to get married before either one of them are comfortable with the idea, or shack up and be labeled as sinners. They have no other choice right? There's no other way for people in more complicated situations to deal? It's either get married, or your sinning. Marriage might not work because you both didn't take enough time to see how compatible you were, so now your divorcing and that's a sin too. Just couldn't get along under the same roof though things were great when they first met. So people like that are screwed if they do and screwed if they don't.

That's an entirely hypothetical scenario there, I've never known anyone personally in that situation. But I'm sure it's an issue someone has went through in recent history. I'm a philosophical thinker

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I read what you posted.

I'm eliminating sex from the equation altogether. Lets just not even think about sex or bring it up yet, and 100% assume there is no sex. It's STILL considered sinful to live together if your speaking in Christianese (I made that word up, but we all speak it I think....lol). It's just the fact that your living together out of wedlock, all sex eliminated from thought.

But like you said, even if your not doing that....people are still going to say it (That's not going to make it true, but it's going to be an accusation and the grapevine will be buzzing about it.)


I'm thinking about it this way. You have two people with low class incomes, not enough money to save, they are in the hole every month and it's unsustainable for them to live by themselves indefinitely. They can both get their heads above water slowly if they pool their resources and room up, but that's sinful. They don't want to marry because they think it's too soon but they really like each other.

So basically, these people either have to get married before either one of them are comfortable with the idea, or shack up and be labeled as sinners. They have no other choice right? There's no other way for people in more complicated situations to deal? It's either get married, or your sinning. Marriage might not work because you both didn't take enough time to see how compatible you were, so now your divorcing and that's a sin too. Just couldn't get along under the same roof though things were great when they first met. So people like that are screwed if they do and screwed if they don't.

That's an entirely hypothetical scenario there, I've never known anyone personally in that situation. But I'm sure it's an issue someone has went through in recent history. I'm a philosophical thinker

I don't think you can take sex out of the equation in a situation like that, realistically. If you could, sure, there'd be no sin involved, but ya know... how likely is that if you are romantically interested in one another and you are living alone together.

The answer to your scenario would be for each person to find a roommate of their own gender to share expenses with. That can and does happen all the time, with great results.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I don't think you can take sex out of the equation in a situation like that, realistically.

It's something that happens, under certain circumstances.

But the basic scenario is avoidable.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I'd say if it has to be one or the other, then make the commitment and get married. "Trying out" a marriage before actually marrying is a bad idea. If you aren't sure you want to marry, you shouldn't be having sex, right?

If you are talking about moving in together but abstaining from sex, please see my first post in this thread.

I agree 100%. Blessings.

 

[Searching4Truth]

You're a grown woman. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

 

[Ugly]

After a few months of dating long-distance, I'm planning/hoping to move to the city where my boyfriend is located. I am not 100% decided yet, but leaning toward it and have a few job offers. It would be difficult for him to move here as it's way more expensive and his field of work doesn't pay well at all out here. I've been looking for apartments in his city and found a few somewhat dodgy ones, but a bunch of two-bedrooms that would be great if I found a roommate. He has suggested sharing a 2br townhouse or apartment with a signed roommate agreement; we'd split the rent, chores, etc. It's cheaper for us that way, of course. I know there's the issue of temptation, accountability, the type of witness it would be... but that is possible even without being roommates. I just wanted to get you guys' thoughts, backed by scripture, on how - or whether - to go about this. Please be nice; bashing me won't really help much. God bless.

"But that is even possible without being roommates". Sorry, but this is not a valid form of reasoning. In actuality it's not even as true as you're making it out to be. All of these things can be strongly limited by how you choose to maintain your relationship. Largely by not being alone, but keeping dates in public, or with others around. It may not seem ideal, but it limits all of this.
On the other hand, moving in together is essentially the same as guaranteeing some of this, and Greatly increasing the others. Your witness Will be affected. Period. Your accountability, zero. The level of temptation, nearly impossible to resist.
The bible says to run from temptation and to avoid appearances of evil. Do you think your moving in together would still be following this biblical ideal, or going against it? Seems to me that the very fact you are even questioning it should tell you something about where your conscience lies, as well as his. Sometimes we want to take the easy way out, even if that means compromising what we know is right, deep down inside.
Let me ask you this. If you do marry one day, what will you have to signify your new life? You've already lived together. Most likely will have had sex by then. So what will be different in your life? What will make it special?

 

[Ugly]

You're a grown woman. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Since when does 'being grown' have anything to do with making wise decisions? That is poor advice. People need each other for reasons just like this. Emotions, fears, finances or a myriad of other things can interfere with our judgement, or sometimes just a lack of knowledge. Being 'grown' doesn't prevent these things or make us magically able to make good decisions. It just means we're not children.

 

[FireWire]

The fact of the matter is you cannot co-habitate with somebody you love without something going to happen however you choose to justify and rationalize it. There's a reason why God gave certain commands regarding this.

Many people have done it and absolutely regretted it even in the heathen world. That fact of the matter is that sex outside marriage is lust not love. That's how the heathen conduct themselves since their mind is darkened. i.e. no light.

 

[Dayen]

Flee from any form of temptation