Best Intentions

[Grace-Like-Rain]

What are some things people have done for you, or said to you when you were hurting, that were intended to help but failed miserably?

Why did the gesture fail?

What could have been done to make it more edifying?

Did you let the person know that what they said/did hurt more than helped? Why or why not?

 

[lil_christian]

Well, when my cat got ran over, a person or two thought I might have started to put too much focus on him. Not helpful at all, and I didn't really let them know because I didn't know what to say to the one person and the other is my pastor's wife and when she has her thoughts set on something, it's best not to say anything.

 

[Nocturnus]

People seem to think that I have a strength for dealing with things on my own, unassisted by anyone or anything whatsoever, which is a crazy assumption to make of anyone who's human, since we are all built to interact with each other. It's kind of funny in a way though; indeed I find myself laughing at the concept more often than not and I usually can't be angry at people for not offering me advice or comfort.

 

[kenthomas27]

oh, I don't know Grace. It's monday and your question is too hard. But it does remind mef Rachelsedge story about the cute guy who was a waiter that paid attention to her while she was at the restaurant and then her friend made out like he had left her a voice mail a few days later and it turned out it was all bogus. Her friend was thinking she was making Rachel feel good but instead caused her to take a double hit - she hurt Rachel by lying, that's true, but what was worse was that she was telling Rachel that we're going to have to make up a story so that she'll think someone actually likes her. Now - Rachel was kind enough to shake it off and saying that it broke skin on some old wounds, but to me it smacked of betrayal; a treachery of friendship because apparently this friend does not share the same faith that many of us have for Rachel.

So this supposed well intention had the effect of wounding a healing soul and betraying a friendship. So, I would just recommend choosing a good intention wisely. After all, they only call an "act of kindness" a good intention after if fails.

 

[keep_on_smiling]

When my cousin died people kept saying they were sorry and talking about the situation of his passing. I understand that it's difficult in those situations to know what to say to someone that's in pain, but it didn't help me. Talking about it so early made it hard.

One thing that stands out is a lady kept telling me that everyone has their time to pass (I completely understand that) but it really didn't help.

I didn't say anything to these people because I knew they were trying to be helpful and supportive. I've also been in the "comforter" position when someone else has passed and know it's hard to know what the right thing to do or say is. I think the best thing at the time would have been if people were just there to lean on, to listen, to pray and cry with me. I don't think talking was necessary for me.

 

[gypsygirl]

i have been on the receiving end of a lot of ill-timed or rather inappropriate feedback, sympathizing, and genrealy insensitive "advice" that too often was neither relevant, welcome, nor helpful.

sometimes it's hurtful to have someone tell me they know how i feel, but typically i can appreciate that they are fumbling with good intentions and simply didn't think through the folly of their words.

however in the same vein, i've said a number of well-meaning things that only sound inappropriate after they've hung in the air for a short while and i've grasped the idiocy of what i just said.

i'm rather fabulous at the backpedal.

makes me appreciate how important it is to see each other through the lens of love and tolerance.

 

[seoulsearch]

Well, when my cat got ran over, a person or two thought I might have started to put too much focus on him. Not helpful at all, and I didn't really let them know because I didn't know what to say to the one person and the other is my pastor's wife and when she has her thoughts set on something, it's best not to say anything.

Oh my goodness, Lil.

Things like this roast my potatoes in the WORST way. I have a really bad mean streak in me and as I've gotten older, I've learned to turn things around and throw them back at people--especially old-fashioned Jesus Jukes. I would have been like, "Oh really? So tell me, what are the idols (which is what they were obviously implying, that your beloved kitty had become an idol) in YOUR life? Your husband, self, or ministry, perhaps??? Because if you're putting too much focus on your husband... let's see if God allows HIM to be run over."

Now obviously I couldn't say that to your pastor's wife.

But when my husband left, people would tell me "comforting" things such as, "Well at least you didn't have any kids--you have it so easy," and, "Just get up and move on with your life."

I got SO tired of hearing this that with a few people, I would tell them, "You know... someday... unless God calls you first and not your spouse, you're going to be single, too. And I hope the people who 'comfort' you... come back and tell you the exact same kinds of things you're telling me."

When one of the female elders told me on the phone that I "needed to get closer to God", I finally lost it. Trying not to shout, I asked her, "Have you ever prayed during sex? I have. That's how close my relationship is with Him. I don't know how to be any closer to someone than that. Do you?" I am not afraid to pray to God during any situation or time in my life.

I obviously hit a nerve somewhere because there was dead silence on the phone for a good span of time. And when she finally did talk, it was a very flustered, diverted answer. I wanted to ask her... "Really now? Exactly how close is YOUR relationship with God... to be able to give you the right to judge mine?"

I'm not saying a person has to be able to talk to God like I do in order to be close to Him (maybe sometimes He wishes I wasn't quite so close ), but what I can't stand is people not checking their own hearts before they blurt out very unhelpful "Christian-esque" things without thinking or putting themselves in your situation.

 

[Fenner]

The day I got married 15 years ago, it rained all day. Stopped for maybe a few minutes, but everything was inside, so I did't care. People kept saying to me, the number of rain drops on your wedding day foretells the number of children you'll have. My thought was, are you people insane? How many children do you all want me to have, 2 billion?

 

[Fenner]

By the way, I have 2 kids, that's it. So those people had no idea what they were talking about.

 

[Fenner]

I'm sorry I just read the original post, wedding day's aren't hard times, usually. I know that people have said dumb things to me, but can't think of any now.

I'll tell you what someone said to my older sister when my Dad died. A friend of Mom's was big into selling Tupperware, she said to my sister, Maybe it would help if you had a job, like selling Tupperware. So I said, Oh we could put Dad in a human size Tupperware container and make sure it burps before we bury him. My Mother of course said, Jennifer!

Someone had to say it, true story.


Can you imagine trying to solicit new Tupperware sellers at a funeral? Especially when it's one of the people grieving. Oh and my Father would have loved that I said that.

 

[hoss2576]

Years ago, I might have gotten upset if someone gave me some poorly chosen words of comfort when I was suffering. I have learned what I think was a valuable lesson. Even the poorest attempt is better than silence. At least with a bad attempt to comfort you or offer advice generally shows the person cares about you. They may not know the words to say, but they want you to know they care, and I can take comfort in that.

 

[seoulsearch]

Years ago, I might have gotten upset if someone gave me some poorly chosen words of comfort when I was suffering. I have learned what I think was a valuable lesson. Even the poorest attempt is better than silence. At least with a bad attempt to comfort you or offer advice generally shows the person cares about you. They may not know the words to say, but they want you to know they care, and I can take comfort in that.

This is a great point, Hoss--thank you for reminding me that what people are really trying to do is show they care.

I do think it really depends on the situation and your relationship with the person. Some people have good intentions but speak into or about things without really considering the other person's feelings. I also think that the value of presence can be much more important than words. Even silence, at times, can speak volumes more than words.

When my Grandma died, I learned the most important thing I could do for my Grandpa is be there. I visited him weekly after she died and often, I wouldn't say much in the way of comfort. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to do. I would fix a pizza for us and sit with him at the table. I remember the first time he started crying and I felt like my heart was being shredded. He would talk about having no reason to go on without her. All of my family had left the area so I was trying to carry his spirits by myself. When I got in my car to make the 45-minute drive home (which wasn't so much fun during the winter), I bawled my eyes out and told God, "God, I can't go back there. Don't make me go back. I can't stand to see him like this and I don't know what to say. There is nothing I can do for him." But I believe God told me, "Kim, I want you to go back. I am teaching you how to counsel someone through grief." I can't say it got any easier. But I definitely learned lessons I could not have otherwise learned.

When a good friend's father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, all I knew was to be there. This friend was extremely popular at work but she pointed out, and still does to this day, that only two of us from work (our boss and myself) showed up at the visitation or funeral. I didn't know what to say, so in all honesty, I didn't really try to say anything. And I worked with her everyday. All I did was listen and cry with her. She would tell me stories about her wonderful father and I would be the one crying. When I showed up to the visitation, I hugged people, shook hands, and cried along with them. I didn't have any words--all I had was shared sorrow and tears.

I think that for myself, this is also what I prefer. If I'm going through something... The right words are nice but so seldom found. Presence (actions), to me at least, means everything. It's like, please don't say too much to me right now.

Just be there.

 

[lil_christian]

Oh my goodness, Lil.

Things like this roast my potatoes in the WORST way. I have a really bad mean streak in me and as I've gotten older, I've learned to turn things around and throw them back at people--especially old-fashioned Jesus Jukes. I would have been like, "Oh really? So tell me, what are the idols (which is what they were obviously implying, that your beloved kitty had become an idol) in YOUR life? Your husband, self, or ministry, perhaps??? Because if you're putting too much focus on your husband... let's see if God allows HIM to be run over."

Now obviously I couldn't say that to your pastor's wife.

But when my husband left, people would tell me "comforting" things such as, "Well at least you didn't have any kids--you have it so easy," and, "Just get up and move on with your life."

I got SO tired of hearing this that with a few people, I would tell them, "You know... someday... unless God calls you first and not your spouse, you're going to be single, too. And I hope the people who 'comfort' you... come back and tell you the exact same kinds of things you're telling me."

When one of the female elders told me on the phone that I "needed to get closer to God", I finally lost it. Trying not to shout, I asked her, "Have you ever prayed during sex? I have. That's how close my relationship is with Him. I don't know how to be any closer to someone than that. Do you?" I am not afraid to pray to God during any situation or time in my life.

I obviously hit a nerve somewhere because there was dead silence on the phone for a good span of time. And when she finally did talk, it was a very flustered, diverted answer. I wanted to ask her... "Really now? Exactly how close is YOUR relationship with God... to be able to give you the right to judge mine?"

I'm not saying a person has to be able to talk to God like I do in order to be close to Him (maybe sometimes He wishes I wasn't quite so close ), but what I can't stand is people not checking their own hearts before they blurt out very unhelpful "Christian-esque" things without thinking or putting themselves in your situation.

Yeah, though I gotta say, there is a happier part to this. I texted my aunt (my mom's youngest sister) telling her about my kitty, and she called me, and she cried with me over the phone. She told me how much she hated this for me, and how she wish she knew what God's plans were, because she doesn't know how this will all work out, either. Then she let me talk to my cousin (I love my cousin soooo much. She's such a tender heart and loves Jesus, and she's definitely a light in my dim life. I don't know what I'd do without her.) and she started to talk to me about how she felt bad that it was Mister Moustache's time to go, and she also talked to me about how every day, we're in a battle spiritually and how we have to stay close to Jesus. And while it was sorta "Christiany," it was also something I did need to hear, and she did it in such a way it didn't even sound "Christiany." It just sounded like a loving cousin who wanted to reach out to me and love on me.

Even though sometimes I wish I'd had a different life, sometimes I wouldn't trade it for the world because of all the wonderful people I DO have in my life.

And don't get me wrong, my pastor's wife is wonderful. She and the pastor, along with my youth pastor and his wife, stayed with us at Hospice until 2 a.m. and it was the day before Mother's Day, which means it was a SATURDAY. They stayed up that late, on a SATURDAY. Just so they could be there for us.

Sometimes, as humans, we hit the nail on the head. Other times, we hit and smash a window.

 

[hoss2576]

Years ago, I might have gotten upset if someone gave me some poorly chosen words of comfort when I was suffering. I have learned what I think was a valuable lesson. Even the poorest attempt is better than silence. At least with a bad attempt to comfort you or offer advice generally shows the person cares about you. They may not know the words to say, but they want you to know they care, and I can take comfort in that.

Silence is probably not the word I was looking for as much as avoidance. Times when you are suffering, and people are afraid to approach you at all during that period. Just to know that some one has decided to overcome the uncomfortable nature of a situation, means more than if they try to approach me during the painful time. Even when they choose the wrong words or don't have the words at all.

 

[seoulsearch]

"Other times, we hit and smash a window."

Lil, I've said this before and I'll say it again. I hope I'm as smart as YOU when I grow up.

I'd even settle for being HALF as smart as you, because I'm pretty sure that would still be smarter than I am now.

And by the way, WE LOVE YOU. I don't know if you are up to looking at any other pets but I would love to take you to pick out another kitty and then go out for your favorite non-dairy, gluten-free treat!!! We could even pick up a few cat toys along the way for your new buddy.

 

[tourist]

When my wife died my brother-in-law, who is a minister told me, "Don't worry, everything is going to be alright." I told him that I am not worried because she is with Jesus. And everything is definitely not alright as my wife is dead and I would never see her again in my lifetime. The pain may lessen but that does not make anything right. I then told him that I would pray for him.

 

[tourist]

I'm sorry I just read the original post, wedding day's aren't hard times, usually. I know that people have said dumb things to me, but can't think of any now.

I'll tell you what someone said to my older sister when my Dad died. A friend of Mom's was big into selling Tupperware, she said to my sister, Maybe it would help if you had a job, like selling Tupperware. So I said, Oh we could put Dad in a human size Tupperware container and make sure it burps before we bury him. My Mother of course said, Jennifer!

Someone had to say it, true story.


Can you imagine trying to solicit new Tupperware sellers at a funeral? Especially when it's one of the people grieving. Oh and my Father would have loved that I said that.

Very amusing anecdote. I am sure your dad would have had a good laugh.

 

[seoulsearch]

We are so sorry, Tourist.

People say everything is going to be all right. But when it's their spouse that leaves or dies... are they feeling like everything is "going to be all right"? And would they really want people to say that to them at that time?

Sigh. I know. But people don't now what else to say. Just as I don't know what to say to you. Except that I am very sorry.

(I always think of the fact that when Lazarus' died, Jesus wept... right along with the others. Even though He knew He was going to raise him from the dead in a few minutes! And surely Jesus of all people knew He would see Lazarus again in heaven. But He was overcome with sorrow... and he wept.)

 

[Yahshua]

What are some things people have done for you, or said to you when you were hurting, that were intended to help but failed miserably?


Why did the gesture fail?


What could have been done to make it more edifying?


Did you let the person know that what they said/did hurt more than helped? Why or why not?

I think *everything* someone has said to me, at the time I was hurting, failed miserably and hurt more because - to be perfectly honest - I don't actually want to feel better when hurting.

I WANTED to stay right where I was in my pain. I felt justified to be in pain because *I* was having it...and so nothing anyone says to me is good enough, as if to say to them "how dare you try to prevent me from feeling this way!?"

If I'm angry, unless they're trying to further justify my anger, what they're saying fails. If I'm sad, unless they're sad with me and saying things to further justify my sadness, what they're saying fails. If I'm feeling like a failure, unless they're trying to further agree with me as to why I should feel like I failed, what they're saying fails.

...And I would be very vocal to them as to why they are failing; I'll find reasons why their words don't help...and yet if they didn't try to console me I'd feel they didn't care.


Of course since I'm flesh I will fall into feelings of hurt like anyone else, justified by situations that come... But for me, the only thing that will succeed in bringing me out of that state is if someone reminds me of what I've said to them in a similar situation or what I've quoted scripture says - to prove I'm not justified to remain that way for too long.

And because I hold scripture and God so highly (something I can not say "fails"), holding it higher than this flesh and its feelings, I'm forced to stop cold in my tracks - feeling and all - and actually take in what words or advice I'm receiving else I'm proving that I'm a hypocrite; that I shouldn't be so quick to provide scripture to others if I'm not willing to swallow the medicine myself.

That double-edge sword cuts right back at me something fierce, forcing me to let go.

 

[tourist]

We are so sorry, Tourist.

People say everything is going to be all right. But when it's their spouse that leaves or dies... are they feeling like everything is "going to be all right"? And would they really want people to say that to them at that time?

Sigh. I know. But people don't now what else to say. Just as I don't know what to say to you. Except that I am very sorry.

(I always think of the fact that when Lazarus' died, Jesus wept... right along with the others. Even though He knew He was going to raise him from the dead in a few minutes! And surely Jesus of all people knew He would see Lazarus again in heaven. But He was overcome with sorrow... and he wept.)

Jesus Wept is my favorite bible verse. I was telling my mom the other day about Lazarus the same way that you just did. Your words comfort me and you are a blessing to me and others as well. Thank You.