Forgiving and Forgetting

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MissCris

Guest
#1
#1
Until very recently, I had always considered myself to be a very forgiving person; I didn't get the whole idea of holding a grudge against someone, or the hateful attitude that went with it. If someone saw fit to apologize to me over anything, I was always quick to let them know it was ok, I wasn't upset with them.

I find, however, that the people who have truly wronged me in some way are the ones that don't see a need to apologize...and I don't expect that from them. But I know I should forgive them anyway...and I really don't know how.

It's easy for me to forgive a truly remorseful person. But when the person doesn't even realize that what they've done was wrong...or if they don't care...I'm having a pretty difficult time knowing how to let that go.

I've prayed about this, I've tried to just "give it to God"...I just feel very hung up on this.

What does true forgiveness look like? What's it feel like when you manage it?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
Good question.
I think this comes down to (cringe, quick, a cliche is coming!) 'looking through Gods eyes'. As people we so easily see the negative impact selfish, hurtful people have on ourselves, our friends, family and people we care about. We see the pain dealt by these vampires and soul hunters. We seek to point the finger. We're miniature superheros in our minds hunting down the arch-villain that we can beat up, lock up and save people from ever having to be hurt again. That they're evil doers and plotting masterminds with no care. Who actively and willfully revel in our misery. And yes, there are some people who are like that.
But most people that hurt others are hurt themselves. They're they weakest among us. But they mask their weakness in anger, vengeance, selfishness until these behaviors become natural to them. At the core though, they're still hurting people who don't know what to do. Maybe too prideful to admit it. Too scared to change. Too stupid to know it. I don't know, i'm sure the reasons are varied why they don't do something more proactive to change what's going on inside.
But i think this is the key to 'unsought forgiveness'. Viewing a person not as a hunter (even if that is the role the engage in at times) but seeing them as hurting as bad, or worse, than you, and quite frankly, doing a much worse job than you at coping with what's inside them. See, while it's easy to feel victim to these people, because we perceive them as hunters, in reality, each time one of these people act out in this way, it only proves to you how much stronger You are than they are. Because you have the wisdom, heart, desire, strength, humility to lay down your hurts and try to become a better person, while they hide like a wounded animal lashing out in fear whenever someone comes near. So next time you come across that kind of a person, don't fear them. Pity them. Because they're flashing their weakness at you, not their strength.
 
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ronnie2796

ronnie2796

Senior Member
#3
May 9, 2014
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#3
Forgiveness is love. Complete love.

I've had friends betray me, and get angry when it upset me. They still aren't sorry, to this day. It really hurts.

But, they need Jesus you know?

It helps me to see them as a broken person that needs that love. Helps me realize that getting hurt or angry about it is silly,...They're hurting too, maybe more than I am.

Now, I don't trust this person, I'm not getting in line to get another slap in the face, But they know that I'm there for them if they need me. They know I don't hate them, I still love them. Its really hard,..I could revisit that memory many times, and get angry and resentful all over again. But,...That won't help me, or them, or anyone else.

All I can think of, is how, When Jesus was on the cross he said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

He saw people for who they really were. Broken, hurt people that needed Him. People that didn't know what they were doing.

I also know from personal experience in the "Past life" Before I became a Christian, I hurt a lot of people, and I owed a lot of apologies. But, when I was running around hurting others, I wasn't trying to hurt others. I was focused on my own hurt, and just tried to fix it any way I knew how, but was too Stubborn to come to Jesus. If it weren't for other people loving me, and forgiving me before I asked for it, and continuing to pray for me, I don't know if I'd be where I am now.

Its a really hard thing to do,..But it is needed, and definitely worthwhile.
 
ronnie2796

ronnie2796

Senior Member
#4
May 9, 2014
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#4
Ugly,....Were our brains connected when we were replying,...Or what?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#5
#5
ronnie2796 said:
Ugly,....Were our brains connected when we were replying,...Or what?
Click to expand...
haha. Maybe God is speaking to Cristen. We just were the fortunate ones to get to be the mouthpieces of God to help this awesome woman. :) (kind of makes me feel like the Mouth of Sauron in LOTR, which is pretty cool, cause i liked that guy)
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#6
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#6
I'm all for forgiveness, never really got the point of forgetting. Like, Im going to remember you hurt me in some way so that I dont get hurt by you again in that way. But they're right true forgiveness is hard. Its certainly not immediate either. There are some people who hurt me in my life who Ive only recently been able to fully forgive about 5 years later.
 
T

Taith

Guest
#7
#7
ronnie2796 said:
Ugly,....Were our brains connected when we were replying,...Or what?
Click to expand...
I was actually thinking the same thing when I read the post.


I have had people hurt me terribly. And it was very hard to forgive them
I found myself becoming bitter at myself for not forgiving when I knew it was right. and eventually it became I was being to get bitter at God.
Forgiving is not if the person apologizes, But it is more of a focus on yourself. How close are you to Jesus that you can forgive someone who hurt you and never said they were sorry? I had to fix myself before I could truly forgive those that hurt me.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#8
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
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#8
That's a hard one, MissCriss.

Someone wronged me greatly a few years ago. I'm a pretty forgiving person, but this...I held onto it for almost a year, at which point God spoke to me pretty blatantly and told me I was obsessed with being angry at this person, for holding onto it for so long. My pride said, "She wronged you, she hurt you. You deserve to feel this way about her." God said, "Forgive. This is not affecting her at all, this is only affecting you." He was right. It was keeping me from healing properly. I had fought with God, with "Why can't I let this go? Why am I still hurting?" Well, this was why. This person whom I was still so angry at.

A few months later, after hearing some convicting messages from Matt Chandler about forgiveness, I decided to send this lady an email. I told her that I forgive her for what she had done to me, and that I hope she could forgive me for any wrongs I had done. That part was almost harder, because while she really was more of the perpetrator of "wrongness", I did have some small part to play, but I didn't want to admit that, because I wanted to feel that I did nothing wrong.

Anyway, she emailed me back, "I have forgiven you, but I am not sure what I did that made you so upset?" I was half expecting that answer, because during the whole ordeal she had no idea the affect she was having on people with her actions and words. But I had hoped so much that within that year, she had changed and realized the wrong she had done. I was back to being angry. She didn't even know how she had hurt me and it was so obvious how she had.

That was something else I had to struggle with, as well. Not only the forgiveness on my part towards her, but that I could not control her reaction/behavior after the fact.

As far as how that looks? That verse about the need to forgive people 70 times 7...I think that goes for in our hearts. Maybe they don't necessarily wrong us 70 times 7 times, but when we feel that bitterness, that anger, welling up in us again, we forgive them again. Maybe we have to forgive that person 40 times that day because it's just a day where we struggle with their actions. I am not so sure that for us humans, forgiveness is a snap of the fingers. I think it is a decision, yes, but it's ongoing.

I'm not saying stuff the emotions, because anger isn't always wrong, and forgiveness is not a condoning of the actions. But when we hold onto those emotions, and dwell on them, unforgiveness becomes a poison to us. For me, it wasn't that I was stewing and huffing and puffing all the time. But whenever I thought about it, or whenever I saw/heard/smelled something that reminded me of that time, my mind would just go off.

Now, forgiving someone doesn't mean that we have to continue to let them hurt us, that "70 times 7". i would never go back to work with that lady who hurt me unless I knew she had genuinely changed, otherwise I'm just putting myself in the same situation again. If a friend is constantly insulting you, you should keep forgiving them, but maybe not hang out with them since they aren't encouraging to your spirit. Hopefully that all makes sense. It's hard.
 
ronnie2796

ronnie2796

Senior Member
#9
May 9, 2014
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#9
Ugly said:
haha. Maybe God is speaking to Cristen. We just were the fortunate ones to get to be the mouthpieces of God to help this awesome woman. :) (kind of makes me feel like the Mouth of Sauron in LOTR, which is pretty cool, cause i liked that guy)
Click to expand...
Well,..How cool is that?!? :)

I need to revisit the LOTR,...I haven't watched them in years, though I have seen the 2 Hobbit movies. Super cool! Sorry,..Back on track now.

Yay love! :)
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#10
#10
Nautilus said:
I'm all for forgiveness, never really got the point of forgetting. Like, Im going to remember you hurt me in some way so that I dont get hurt by you again in that way. But they're right true forgiveness is hard. Its certainly not immediate either. There are some people who hurt me in my life who Ive only recently been able to fully forgive about 5 years later.
Click to expand...
Forgiveness if for your own peace of mind. But NOT forgetting is also for your own peace of mind as well. Forgive those who don't seek it. But we are called to be wise as well. Wisdom is learning from our mistakes. Good call bringing that out, Nautilus.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#11
#11
I would generally define forgiveness as deliberately releasing feelings of resentment or vengeful thinking towards something or someone that harmed you. I would NOT define it as excusing or condoning an offense that caused damage to myself or a relationship. While I do think that forgiveness can heal a damaged relationship with the person that harmed you, I DON'T think it reconciles the person or releases them from from accountability.

In many ways, this is how God's forgiveness behaves except on a spiritual realm. He is (in my way of thinking) releasing His feelings of resentment or anger towards our spiritual selves and forgetting our actions, but is not releasing us from the damage our sin caused. This is summed up in God's forgiving the sinner but not the sin which I've always thought of as the great tragedy of humankind.

So, while you are releasing your feelings of hurt or vengeance towards the sinner, the retribution still belongs to the sinner. Never think that because you forgive that consequence will not find its prey.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#12
#12
Giving someone forgiveness who doesn't seek it is less about absolving them, and more about setting yourself free from their control. As long as you hold something against them, they hold you. Once you let go of their wrongs, they lose control of you as well.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#13
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
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#13
Criss, just know that it takes time to forgive sometimes. I actually struggled with this and the guy was dead. Whenever we're younger things happened and it scared me for years. I've forgiven him now. It took time but with professional help it happened.
 
A

Animus

Guest
#14
#14
I think it is important to make a distinction here. Forgiveness defined as "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you" and forgiveness as forgetting past offences. The first is something that happens inside of you, and can therefore be done regardless of the other persons attitude. But there is no sense in forgiving someone in the second sense unless they ask for it. If my friend breaks my trust and tells people things told in confidence, I can choose to not feel resentment towards him, but I cannot trust him. But if he comes to me and sees that what he has done was wrong and truly apologizes then I can forget his past offenses, and trust him again.

There are two other approaches that I feel are incorrect,

1. Forgive but never forget
The problem with this is that while you have freed yourself from resentment and anger you will never restore the relationship.

2. Forgive and forget right away

The problem with this is that the person has not seen the error or their ways, and so they will never learn anything, and they may very well do what they did again.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#15
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
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#15
Sorry for the grammatical errors I'm on a Kindle.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#16
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
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#16
About forgetting...

If I forget ALL, do I need to re-learn what I actually knew or learned? Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. That´s why they say "men are the only beings who hit twice the same stone".
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#17
#17
I know when I've truly forgiven someone when even though I remember what that person has said or done to me,the sting of it is no longer there. It's not something in my heart I still feel that I'm clinging to or holding against them. For me it's just a peace of mind I suppose. It starts with a choice...a determination that I tell God...I purpose & then resolve in my mind until it becomes something I know in my heart. It's not ever easy,but as long as I keep rejecting the offense I feel done against me,God is always faithful to help me move past it.

I know it's not as spiritual an answer as many have given,but then again..God never speaks to me in eloquent ways,because He knows how simplistic I think. I can only hope that what I say makes sense to others.
 
N

NewWine

Guest
#18
#18
I was taught that forgiveness wasn't for the one who wronged us, but rather for our own good. When the disciples asked Christ how to pray He gave them "the Lord's Payer". In that it says to forgive us as we forgive others. When we withhold forgiveness we are withholding ourselves from God, even if it's only that small part of us we're withholding. When we give ourselves to God we have to give Him our WHOLE self, and by withholding even the smallest part of us, we are robbing God of ourselves. By holding onto a wrong we are holding onto some deep seeded resentments and anger and that won't allow us to fully live in God's grace. Forgiveness simply means that we want God to bless the other the same as He blesses us. It doesn't mean continuing a relationship with the other, or even that we have to ever see the other, just that we want God to bless them. Continuing the relationship with the other would take reconciliation, which is a whole other thing.
Anyways that's my opinion on things.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#19
#19
​You guys are all kinda really fantastic :)
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#20
Mar 13, 2014
42,373
16,868
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Tennessee
#20
MissCris said:
Until very recently, I had always considered myself to be a very forgiving person; I didn't get the whole idea of holding a grudge against someone, or the hateful attitude that went with it. If someone saw fit to apologize to me over anything, I was always quick to let them know it was ok, I wasn't upset with them.

I find, however, that the people who have truly wronged me in some way are the ones that don't see a need to apologize...and I don't expect that from them. But I know I should forgive them anyway...and I really don't know how.

It's easy for me to forgive a truly remorseful person. But when the person doesn't even realize that what they've done was wrong...or if they don't care...I'm having a pretty difficult time knowing how to let that go.

I've prayed about this, I've tried to just "give it to God"...I just feel very hung up on this.

What does true forgiveness look like? What's it feel like when you manage it?
Click to expand...
True forgiveness comes flowing with God from your heart. God is love. I do not know what God looks like nor love so I cannot answer your question but can only say that it is real and enduring.
 
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