S
...like I'm missing a particular chip or co-processor or something.
(More of a ramble than an actual thread, but you guys are more than willing to take the thing and run with it. Wisebeardman, I'll save you the trouble of posting the usual "The OP was too long, so I didn't read it," and tell you now that this will be long, so you don't have to read it. ^_^ )
My phone rang after 11pm tonight. It was my older brother, who I'd visited earlier this week. I've had a long day, so I let it go to v-mail. If it's important, he'll leave a v-mail. He didn't leave one, but 20 minutes later, I received the following text: "Gabe [my 3 y.o. nephew] wanted to call. He misses his uncle and wanted to talk to him!"
At least half of you (mostly the women) reading this just said, "AWWWW!" (Mentally or out loud.) I rolled my eyes when I read the text.
After I left my brother, nephew, and sis-in-law, I drove down to visit a close friend and his wife, who were blessed with their first child in March. I spent a day with them, mainly to hang out with my friend, who is a stay-at-home dad to his son. Afterwards, I drove out to spend a couple days with Grace-Like-Rain, who quizzed me about the visit.
GLR: "How's his baby doing?"
Sh-: "Seems alright. Sleeps a lot, eats, cries, poops. You know, three month old baby."
GLR: "Did you hold him?"
Sh-: "No."
GLR: "Did you WANT to hold him?"
Sh-: "No. If he'd asked me to, or even just stuck the kid in my arms, I would have. I'll help. But he didn't, so...meh."
On an hour-long drive with my other brother, who is not married, but is itching to become a father, we discussed parenthood and desires. He described being called to parenthood the highest, most noble responsibility given to us by God, that it was our duty to raise Godly children. He feels the urge stronger than ever, and he feels his time is running out.
I have never felt compelled to sire children. I've never had the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear that it's my duty to bring up a child and teach them to follow Christ.
Last year, the day after my brother's wedding, I took my nephew off of his hands so that he and my sister-in-law could have a little break. We were at a brunch buffet at Treasure Island; my cousin and aunt (both mothers) were at the table, and you'd think my brother would have handed the kid off to someone better experienced and equipped, but whatever. My nephew was squirmy and wanted to run into the casino with all the lights and sounds. I held him firmly, and sang Billy Joel's Lullabye into his ear. He went to sleep. My cousin and aunt gawked and said that I was made to be a father.
I don't find Anne Geddes portraits to be insightful, adorable, or artistic. Seeing a one year old dressed up in a costume doesn't make me melt or amuse me...not even the irony of it. I met a pair of teenage sisters recently, one of whom was more than willing to talk with me and share her dry (and sharp!) wit...and the other, who wanted nothing to do with me and said nothing more than, "Hi." before retreating to her room. It didn't hurt me or bother me that this child responded to me this way, because in my brain, it computes that I can't make someone like me; all I can do is simply be kind and respectful to a person, be they five, fifteen, or fifty...and if they don't like me, I can't change that. I wasn't compelled to change the situation.
I don't have a fathering instinct.
The way some people talk (my single brother, and my cousin, for instance), I'm supposed to. Whether it's due to my faith, or due to what they believe they see in me. When it comes to things like dealing with my nephew, dealing with my students, dealing with the two sisters I met this week, or even with people like lil_christian or other teens on CC, I don't feel compelled to "take care" of them the way a father would. I feel the need to be responsible for them: to protect them from danger and to demonstrate Christian love and morals...but that goes for EVERYONE I meet, not just children.
It concerns me. It bothers me...that it doesn't bother me.
At my age, it is more than likely that if God sees fit to bless me with a companion, she is likely to have children already. I do not have a problem with this AT ALL. But I wonder if the fact that I'm so...so...just...MEH...about children...seals my fate. Because good parents...good single mothers...are ALL ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN. As they should be. And they're not likely to invest in a man who is so utterly meh about children. I would take care of my step-children. I would protect them, and teach them Godliness as best as I can. I'm sure that I could grow to love them, as we become a part of each others' lives. I understand that it's a responsibility that is not to be taken lightly, and I would rise to the challenge as the Lord tasks me.
But in the end, I can't help but wonder...am I missing the 'father' chip?
We now return you to your regularly scheduled banter-and-nonsense...
(More of a ramble than an actual thread, but you guys are more than willing to take the thing and run with it. Wisebeardman, I'll save you the trouble of posting the usual "The OP was too long, so I didn't read it," and tell you now that this will be long, so you don't have to read it. ^_^ )
My phone rang after 11pm tonight. It was my older brother, who I'd visited earlier this week. I've had a long day, so I let it go to v-mail. If it's important, he'll leave a v-mail. He didn't leave one, but 20 minutes later, I received the following text: "Gabe [my 3 y.o. nephew] wanted to call. He misses his uncle and wanted to talk to him!"
At least half of you (mostly the women) reading this just said, "AWWWW!" (Mentally or out loud.) I rolled my eyes when I read the text.
After I left my brother, nephew, and sis-in-law, I drove down to visit a close friend and his wife, who were blessed with their first child in March. I spent a day with them, mainly to hang out with my friend, who is a stay-at-home dad to his son. Afterwards, I drove out to spend a couple days with Grace-Like-Rain, who quizzed me about the visit.
GLR: "How's his baby doing?"
Sh-: "Seems alright. Sleeps a lot, eats, cries, poops. You know, three month old baby."
GLR: "Did you hold him?"
Sh-: "No."
GLR: "Did you WANT to hold him?"
Sh-: "No. If he'd asked me to, or even just stuck the kid in my arms, I would have. I'll help. But he didn't, so...meh."
On an hour-long drive with my other brother, who is not married, but is itching to become a father, we discussed parenthood and desires. He described being called to parenthood the highest, most noble responsibility given to us by God, that it was our duty to raise Godly children. He feels the urge stronger than ever, and he feels his time is running out.
I have never felt compelled to sire children. I've never had the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear that it's my duty to bring up a child and teach them to follow Christ.
Last year, the day after my brother's wedding, I took my nephew off of his hands so that he and my sister-in-law could have a little break. We were at a brunch buffet at Treasure Island; my cousin and aunt (both mothers) were at the table, and you'd think my brother would have handed the kid off to someone better experienced and equipped, but whatever. My nephew was squirmy and wanted to run into the casino with all the lights and sounds. I held him firmly, and sang Billy Joel's Lullabye into his ear. He went to sleep. My cousin and aunt gawked and said that I was made to be a father.
I don't find Anne Geddes portraits to be insightful, adorable, or artistic. Seeing a one year old dressed up in a costume doesn't make me melt or amuse me...not even the irony of it. I met a pair of teenage sisters recently, one of whom was more than willing to talk with me and share her dry (and sharp!) wit...and the other, who wanted nothing to do with me and said nothing more than, "Hi." before retreating to her room. It didn't hurt me or bother me that this child responded to me this way, because in my brain, it computes that I can't make someone like me; all I can do is simply be kind and respectful to a person, be they five, fifteen, or fifty...and if they don't like me, I can't change that. I wasn't compelled to change the situation.
I don't have a fathering instinct.
The way some people talk (my single brother, and my cousin, for instance), I'm supposed to. Whether it's due to my faith, or due to what they believe they see in me. When it comes to things like dealing with my nephew, dealing with my students, dealing with the two sisters I met this week, or even with people like lil_christian or other teens on CC, I don't feel compelled to "take care" of them the way a father would. I feel the need to be responsible for them: to protect them from danger and to demonstrate Christian love and morals...but that goes for EVERYONE I meet, not just children.
It concerns me. It bothers me...that it doesn't bother me.
At my age, it is more than likely that if God sees fit to bless me with a companion, she is likely to have children already. I do not have a problem with this AT ALL. But I wonder if the fact that I'm so...so...just...MEH...about children...seals my fate. Because good parents...good single mothers...are ALL ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN. As they should be. And they're not likely to invest in a man who is so utterly meh about children. I would take care of my step-children. I would protect them, and teach them Godliness as best as I can. I'm sure that I could grow to love them, as we become a part of each others' lives. I understand that it's a responsibility that is not to be taken lightly, and I would rise to the challenge as the Lord tasks me.
But in the end, I can't help but wonder...am I missing the 'father' chip?
We now return you to your regularly scheduled banter-and-nonsense...
