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Most days, I am COMPLETELY fine with being single.
This week, two days after church camp, two of the girls in my youth group got into a relationship with someone... FROM church camp. Granted, when a guy even attempts to flirt with me I give them a dirty look or think in my head about throwing a stone at them. It's because I don't need a boyfriend. Then....things like what I just said happen...and I feel almost "left out." It doesn't help that the girls think I should date this one guy I know. Then my youth pastor has been teasing me about him, too. While he's pretty cool, I don't really know if I like him or not. I'm dead serious. I just don't. I'm not all for dating him, but I'm not opposed to dating him if he asked. If I were to even date at the moment, he'd have to be willing to work with a huge work in progress. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a HUGE mess. So I'm probably better off not even thinking about this. Yet, here I am, thinking about it...ugh.
This week, two days after church camp, two of the girls in my youth group got into a relationship with someone... FROM church camp. Granted, when a guy even attempts to flirt with me I give them a dirty look or think in my head about throwing a stone at them. It's because I don't need a boyfriend. Then....things like what I just said happen...and I feel almost "left out." It doesn't help that the girls think I should date this one guy I know. Then my youth pastor has been teasing me about him, too. While he's pretty cool, I don't really know if I like him or not. I'm dead serious. I just don't. I'm not all for dating him, but I'm not opposed to dating him if he asked. If I were to even date at the moment, he'd have to be willing to work with a huge work in progress. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a HUGE mess. So I'm probably better off not even thinking about this. Yet, here I am, thinking about it...ugh.
Okay, I'm going to be honest and be really selfish here.
So, I'm moving. I don't know when, but I am. My friends know. When we hung out last night, they were talking about how much they were going to miss me, we need to hang out a lot, etc. etc.
Tonight I was supposed to hang out with friends. But we didn't realize that the time we were going to hang out was the same time there was a meeting at their church. So, one of my friends and I hung out and went out to eat while waiting for them to get done, because we were going to do something afterwards. Well, after they got done, a few of them changed their minds and went to a bonfire that they were invited to, and I guess the others went home.
Now, here comes the selfish part. "Aw, we're going to miss you! Seriously Rach, you will be so missed" (almost word for word) just is not meshing with the "I have a chance to hang out with a friend that is moving soon but instead I will go to someone's house who lives here all the time." One of them even thought that I was moving this weekend and still chose to go to the bonfire.
It makes it hard for me to believe that you truly care about the relationship when you do not initiate or pursue spending time with me before I move. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, I could initiate it myself. But I'm tired of being the initiator. I am selfish and want to be the one asked sometimes, to be the one pursued. And these are sweet, wonderful people, don't get me wrong. I have great friends. I'm just a little hurt. I guess I expected more when I shouldn't have. It makes me question my value to them.
And I am fighting this, I am fighting for there not to be bitterness in my heart over this, to push people away because of it, to distrust more because of it.
I just need to go to bed. Sleep it off.
So, I'm moving. I don't know when, but I am. My friends know. When we hung out last night, they were talking about how much they were going to miss me, we need to hang out a lot, etc. etc.
Tonight I was supposed to hang out with friends. But we didn't realize that the time we were going to hang out was the same time there was a meeting at their church. So, one of my friends and I hung out and went out to eat while waiting for them to get done, because we were going to do something afterwards. Well, after they got done, a few of them changed their minds and went to a bonfire that they were invited to, and I guess the others went home.
Now, here comes the selfish part. "Aw, we're going to miss you! Seriously Rach, you will be so missed" (almost word for word) just is not meshing with the "I have a chance to hang out with a friend that is moving soon but instead I will go to someone's house who lives here all the time." One of them even thought that I was moving this weekend and still chose to go to the bonfire.
It makes it hard for me to believe that you truly care about the relationship when you do not initiate or pursue spending time with me before I move. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, I could initiate it myself. But I'm tired of being the initiator. I am selfish and want to be the one asked sometimes, to be the one pursued. And these are sweet, wonderful people, don't get me wrong. I have great friends. I'm just a little hurt. I guess I expected more when I shouldn't have. It makes me question my value to them.
And I am fighting this, I am fighting for there not to be bitterness in my heart over this, to push people away because of it, to distrust more because of it.
I just need to go to bed. Sleep it off.
I totally get the sick of being the initiator want you to care enough to initiate stuff aspect. I go through that a lot. But I do feel like I should point out that as you are the one moving and it is constantly in your mind, you have a much bigger sense of the need for closure and time is running out etc than they do. That's just kind of the way it works, unfortunately, the fact that you are moving is easily forgotten in the busyness of their lives. Also some people hate long draw out goodbyes. I hope things look better after a good night's sleep.
M
Rachel... 
I'm sorry that happened. It's not selfish to expect your friends to care, and to show it. That's sort of what the point of friends is. They're missing the point, and you're not- and it's a little frustrating and it makes sense that you'd feel hurt.
People can just be...really thoughtless of the feelings of others. We all do it sometimes, and sometimes we hurt people we really do care about without meaning to.
I don't actually know where I'm going with this...I just feel sad that happened to you.
I'm sorry that happened. It's not selfish to expect your friends to care, and to show it. That's sort of what the point of friends is. They're missing the point, and you're not- and it's a little frustrating and it makes sense that you'd feel hurt. People can just be...really thoughtless of the feelings of others. We all do it sometimes, and sometimes we hurt people we really do care about without meaning to.
I don't actually know where I'm going with this...I just feel sad that happened to you.
That's true, cinder, I didn't even think about from that perspective: it's constantly on my mind but not really on theirs. I suppose this time I was more upset that we did have plans and then they changed them. Well, I'm still upset at what I originally said, but that specifically. But yes, thank you. As far as initiating stuff, you get me on that, but I'm guessing there's not really a cure for that, because if you ask them the initiate, it ruins the point a little.
And MissCriss, I gotcha. Thank you for... Posting.. And feeling for me? That sounds weird but you get what I mean.
As far as initiating stuff, you get me on that, but I'm guessing there's not really a cure for that, because if you ask them the initiate, it ruins the point a little. And MissCriss, I gotcha.
Thank you for... Posting.. And feeling for me? That sounds weird but you get what I mean. 
M
Things going through my crazy mind tonight...
I'm annoyed that I feel lonely. It's nothing new, as of late, but it's bugging me because I Like being alone. I don't want to give my time and energy to anybody. I don't want to share my space with them. I don't want anyone asking anything of me. So why do I crave company? It's not fair to want someone to just be around, when I have no desire to give back in any way. Right now, I don't have anything TO give. I think sometimes I just get tired of the silence.
I talked to my one girl friend who isn't really a friend, and she actually sort of listened to me tonight. I tried to explain the lonely feeling, and her advice? "So be with somebody. You need a boyfriend."
Riiiight...a couple of things about that...
1. No.
2. I can't even imagine feeling anything for anyone beyond just appreciating that they may be attractive, or witty, or whatever other quality it may be.
3. No.
4. I've been scary-crazy far too often in front of evvvverybody in my life, both in person and online, for anyone to even approach me that way (except that one guy on the swings...but he doesn't count because he hasn't seen me fall apart every other day). I'm surrounded by orange cones right now, holding a sign that says Hazard Zone. It's kind of neat.
5. No.
I hate that any of this is even on my mind currently. Of course it's not always there, but the very idea of any future romantic anything makes my head spin and I start freaking out a little.
I tried to explain that to my friend. I think it came out as gibberish, because she just said she had to go and hung up.
Maybe it's just this vast, unknown future stretching out before me that's got me all sick to my stomach. Maybe I inhaled a moth or something. I need to install an off switch for my mind. It's way too hot in here. It would help if my mom would stop trying to comfort me by saying that after my divorce is final, I'll meet a nice man and get married again.That's not comforting, it's terrifying.
I'm annoyed that I feel lonely. It's nothing new, as of late, but it's bugging me because I Like being alone. I don't want to give my time and energy to anybody. I don't want to share my space with them. I don't want anyone asking anything of me. So why do I crave company? It's not fair to want someone to just be around, when I have no desire to give back in any way. Right now, I don't have anything TO give. I think sometimes I just get tired of the silence.
I talked to my one girl friend who isn't really a friend, and she actually sort of listened to me tonight. I tried to explain the lonely feeling, and her advice? "So be with somebody. You need a boyfriend."
Riiiight...a couple of things about that...
1. No.
2. I can't even imagine feeling anything for anyone beyond just appreciating that they may be attractive, or witty, or whatever other quality it may be.
3. No.
4. I've been scary-crazy far too often in front of evvvverybody in my life, both in person and online, for anyone to even approach me that way (except that one guy on the swings...but he doesn't count because he hasn't seen me fall apart every other day). I'm surrounded by orange cones right now, holding a sign that says Hazard Zone. It's kind of neat.
5. No.
I hate that any of this is even on my mind currently. Of course it's not always there, but the very idea of any future romantic anything makes my head spin and I start freaking out a little.
I tried to explain that to my friend. I think it came out as gibberish, because she just said she had to go and hung up.
Maybe it's just this vast, unknown future stretching out before me that's got me all sick to my stomach. Maybe I inhaled a moth or something. I need to install an off switch for my mind. It's way too hot in here. It would help if my mom would stop trying to comfort me by saying that after my divorce is final, I'll meet a nice man and get married again.That's not comforting, it's terrifying.
The mother of one of the 3-year-old girls I babysit told me this story tonight:
a few days ago, their whole family was hanging out in the living room just before bedtime. Everyone was in their pajamas, but the 3-year-old came into the room in a dress. She marched into the middle of the room, put her hands out in razzle-dazzle jazz hands style and said "look everyone! I'm Hallie! MISS Hallie! *twirls in dress*
I love that she associates dresses with me I've known her since she was born and she's never seen me in a pair of pants haha so I guess it makes sense. But still. Adorable.
on another note, my dad and I made an interesting observation tonight. I have his feet. Seriously, it just occurred to me that our feet are identically shaped, his are just bigger. He said we should take a picture of them side by side (with his foot farther from the camera to create the illusion of it being smaller) and see if anyone can tell they're two different feet. He said he'll even go so far as to paint his toenails to reinforce the illusion.
I definitely see which parent passed on the "ridiculous" gene to me.
a few days ago, their whole family was hanging out in the living room just before bedtime. Everyone was in their pajamas, but the 3-year-old came into the room in a dress. She marched into the middle of the room, put her hands out in razzle-dazzle jazz hands style and said "look everyone! I'm Hallie! MISS Hallie! *twirls in dress*
I love that she associates dresses with me
I've known her since she was born and she's never seen me in a pair of pants haha so I guess it makes sense. But still. Adorable. on another note, my dad and I made an interesting observation tonight. I have his feet. Seriously, it just occurred to me that our feet are identically shaped, his are just bigger. He said we should take a picture of them side by side (with his foot farther from the camera to create the illusion of it being smaller) and see if anyone can tell they're two different feet. He said he'll even go so far as to paint his toenails to reinforce the illusion.
I definitely see which parent passed on the "ridiculous" gene to me.
Lol your post made me laugh, awesome sauce.
C.
C.
The mother of one of the 3-year-old girls I babysit told me this story tonight:
a few days ago, their whole family was hanging out in the living room just before bedtime. Everyone was in their pajamas, but the 3-year-old came into the room in a dress. She marched into the middle of the room, put her hands out in razzle-dazzle jazz hands style and said "look everyone! I'm Hallie! MISS Hallie! *twirls in dress*
I love that she associates dresses with me I've known her since she was born and she's never seen me in a pair of pants haha so I guess it makes sense. But still. Adorable.
on another note, my dad and I made an interesting observation tonight. I have his feet. Seriously, it just occurred to me that our feet are identically shaped, his are just bigger. He said we should take a picture of them side by side (with his foot farther from the camera to create the illusion of it being smaller) and see if anyone can tell they're two different feet. He said he'll even go so far as to paint his toenails to reinforce the illusion.
I definitely see which parent passed on the "ridiculous" gene to me.
a few days ago, their whole family was hanging out in the living room just before bedtime. Everyone was in their pajamas, but the 3-year-old came into the room in a dress. She marched into the middle of the room, put her hands out in razzle-dazzle jazz hands style and said "look everyone! I'm Hallie! MISS Hallie! *twirls in dress*
I love that she associates dresses with me
I've known her since she was born and she's never seen me in a pair of pants haha so I guess it makes sense. But still. Adorable. on another note, my dad and I made an interesting observation tonight. I have his feet. Seriously, it just occurred to me that our feet are identically shaped, his are just bigger. He said we should take a picture of them side by side (with his foot farther from the camera to create the illusion of it being smaller) and see if anyone can tell they're two different feet. He said he'll even go so far as to paint his toenails to reinforce the illusion.
I definitely see which parent passed on the "ridiculous" gene to me.
M
Is that how it came across? Cripes.
Obviously that's an issue. I didn't think it was necessary to point it out again, because we all know I'm still married. I would dearly love to be UNmarried- not so I can start dating, but just so I can be free from being constantly reminded that I'm still married to the guy who threw things at me and told me how stupid I am and threw out freshly cooked meals because I couldn't do anything right. I'm very aware that I'm still married. I'm reminded all the time when I have to talk to him and see him and fight to keep his hands off me and burden him with requests from his son to see him.
Of course it's an issue.
With the divorce being in the works, I am being constantly reminded by other people that I may, one day, end up dating somebody. All I was saying in my previous post is that looking BEYOND the end of this marriage I can't seem to get free from, it freaks me out to think of trusting anyone with my heart again, and that it's weird to be alone.
And I kind of just flipped out at you and I'm sorry. Struck a nerve...and then this reminder coming from you...just...
I apologize; this is no excuse, but it's been one heck of a crappy night.
Obviously that's an issue. I didn't think it was necessary to point it out again, because we all know I'm still married. I would dearly love to be UNmarried- not so I can start dating, but just so I can be free from being constantly reminded that I'm still married to the guy who threw things at me and told me how stupid I am and threw out freshly cooked meals because I couldn't do anything right. I'm very aware that I'm still married. I'm reminded all the time when I have to talk to him and see him and fight to keep his hands off me and burden him with requests from his son to see him.
Of course it's an issue.
With the divorce being in the works, I am being constantly reminded by other people that I may, one day, end up dating somebody. All I was saying in my previous post is that looking BEYOND the end of this marriage I can't seem to get free from, it freaks me out to think of trusting anyone with my heart again, and that it's weird to be alone.
And I kind of just flipped out at you and I'm sorry. Struck a nerve...and then this reminder coming from you...just...
I apologize; this is no excuse, but it's been one heck of a crappy night.
I
Ohhh no,no Cristen..it's ok,I'm not feeling like you flipped out at me here or anything of the sort. I was just reading what you'd posted & I didn't even think of it in that way,like "Duh..everyone knows yer' still married!" LOL..I guess it was just odd to see all your points in a row like that & then in my head I was thinking the obvious one of all...'cause like that's pretty much the crux of why we are not together...I mean not "all" of it,but yeah..ok..I'm rambling. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't mean it to come across mean sounding or like in your face. I should really just shut up for like ever. I'm sorry yer' having a craptastic night btw.
I'm sorry yer' having a craptastic night btw.